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    Ten Years On 
    #1
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    Cream Gravy?'s Avatar
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    Ten Years On




    It has been ten years.
    Everything has changed so much and yet things are still the same.


    It was ten years ago that I first saw her face.
    Her...
    The girl with the sly smile.
    What was she smirking about?


    Is it possible for me to forget every detail of her face?
    Her eyes were green,
    Exotic and enticing,
    Freckles dotting her cheeks.
    Such straight raven black hair,
    Long and always in a ponytail.
    Her hips wide and her waist small,
    A gate like I had never seen before or since.
    Such soft pale complexion.


    I know now that this was the truest form of infatuation.
    Such desire as I've never known again.
    "You're the most beautiful girl in the world"
    "Thank you!"
    "It's not a good thing..."


    We were but sixteen,
    Girls scared me.
    Every year since I hit puberty,
    I would crush on a girl,
    Only to wait the whole school year,
    To know that I didn't exist.


    But this was different.
    Somehow.


    Day after day she would smile as I passed her.
    Was she into me?
    No girl had ever been so friendly and kind before.
    This must be attraction.
    She must like me.


    Finally I worked up the courage,
    For the first time in my life.
    "Hey...
    Would you like to go to homecoming with me?"
    "Umm... Sure!"


    Success!
    My proudest moment in life.
    The most beautiful girl I had ever known,
    And she was going to the dance with ME!


    It was never communicated by her,
    Not till after,
    That she wasn't interested in me.
    We were going as friends.
    And at the dance my reclusiveness shined,
    I didn't ask her to dance,
    We barely spoke.
    I didn't know the people we were with and it just compounded my isolation.


    The next day she texted me,
    "I just wanted to let you know,
    That we went to the dance as friends.
    I'm sorry if you thought it was more."


    Such despair as I had never known flooded me.
    I gasped for air.
    "Sure, we can just be friends then."
    "Great, I'll see you around."


    Every day it became more agonizing.
    It became clear that she wasn't interested in me,
    Not in the slightest.
    It was my first lesson in the harsh reality,
    That are flirts.
    Girls who know no devotion,
    Yet they look you in the eyes like you're still human to them.


    Every attempt at expressing my affection,
    Became instead more reason for her to despise me.
    It was love I thought.
    What a fool I was.


    The months passed in agonizing pain.
    Every day it grew worse.
    Eventually she started changing her routes between classes.
    I became known as a 'stalker'.
    It didn't help she only lived a block away from me.
    It didn't help that my so called friends,
    Treated me like a pariah.
    One went so far as to take her on a date,
    And then ensured he picked me up to hang out,
    Before dropping her off.
    I know not if she was okay with such an expression of sadism.


    Eventually the pain grew to be too much.
    The kids at school thought I was gonna go bowling for Columbine.
    I was failing most of my classes.
    What did I care,
    I would rather be dead.
    She made sure everyone knew,
    That I was the 'stalker',
    Because I couldn't let go.


    She had a network of spies to alert her,
    If I was waiting outside after school,
    Or after band practice,
    Just to try and talk to her,
    Now that I had so many words to say.


    Enough was enough.


    I began practicing tying nooses.
    Youtube was surprisingly helpful.
    At one point I ate a bunch of ibuprofens,
    Only to realize the foolish painful death I was about to experience,
    And forced myself to throw up.
    My parents were so Catholic that they had no way to help me.
    I was alone.


    It was May.
    I was at wits end.
    In a last desperate attempt,
    Like some fool who thought affection could be forced,
    Or that maybe if she knew me,
    She'd love me,
    I left her a message.


    "If I don't hear back from you today,
    Then goodbye.
    I hope you have a happy life."


    My knot tying was finally going to pay off.
    All those years of forced Boy Scouting.
    I pushed my desk in front of my door,
    Stood on my desk chair,
    Tied the rope to the ceiling fan.
    I was so light I knew it wouldn't snap before I did.


    I cried,
    Like I've never cried before.
    "She doesn't care if I die.
    She'd rather me gone than deal with the inconvinience.
    Well I want her to be happy,
    That's love right?"
    So I thought I'd make her happy.


    Son?
    My mother was home.
    She called up wondering where I was.
    She heard the sobbing.
    Tried the door.
    In a feat of superhuman motherly strength,
    She busted the desk and door away,
    Enough to enter the room,
    And stop my solution.




    Three years go by.




    I'm a happy nineteen year old,
    Entering his sophomore year of college.
    A loving girlfriend.
    A group of new friends who never knew of my past.
    Eleven hours away from everything that had ever caused me pain in life.
    I'm the center of my friend group,
    Popular,
    The guy who had the good connections,
    LSD and THC.


    I had entered into a new state of mind,
    LSD and a violent car accident had left me with a new outlook.
    I was no longer an Athiest.
    Everything was connected and had meaning.


    The Arkansas campus is beautiful,
    Perhaps one of the strongest antidepressants of all.
    I would float between my classes,
    Carlos Casteneda in hand,
    My ears full of classic psychedelia.


    One day I'm sitting in the union,
    People watching in between chapters of my book.
    A lump in my throat...
    Is that her?


    In the distance I see a girl,
    She looks exactly,
    Like her.
    Is that her?
    It can't be.
    I left that town behind,
    Eleven hours away.
    She wasn't here.
    It's a doppelganger.
    She looks at me and I at her,
    But she looks away.
    It couldn't be.


    I pick up my bag and leave.
    Silly mind,
    Playing tricks on me.
    Maybe I need to chill on the LSD and THC.


    Weeks pass by.


    It's another beautiful Fall day,
    The leaves are new colors,
    Cool weather is here but the sun keeps us warm.
    I see a ghost.


    It can't be!
    I stop dead in my tracks.
    She smiles at me,
    Laughs and waves as she walks by,
    Locking her eyes with mine.
    It simply can't be.


    I turn and run through the crowd of students,
    Pushing and shoving,
    Until I see her clearly.
    I run up and shout for her attention,
    She continues to walk,
    I know that gate.


    "Are you real?"
    "Hahah. Of course I am!"
    "No...
    I thought you were still living at home."
    "I took a year off to help my dad."
    "Didn't you know I was here?"
    Surely her network of spies had tipped her off,
    I had talked to a friend of hers I'd seen a year ago.
    "Yes, she had told me you were here,
    But it's a campus of 40,000,
    I never thought I'd see you."


    Awfully certain of herself wasn't she.
    So she knew.
    She chose,
    Willingly,
    To come here and to ruin the paradise that I had spent more than a year creating.


    "I'll see you around."


    And see her around I did.
    It was a big campus.
    It was only once every few months.


    One day I see her having coffee in a cafe.
    I stop in to see if she'll talk to me.
    "Sure, have a seat."
    I always had so much to say but somehow it was never what I meant to.
    We talk half an hour,
    When someone interrupts us,
    "Hey, who's this?"
    "Oh, we went to high school together."
    "Nice to meet you,
    I'm jockey McHandsome Christian Alpha Male."
    Dear God...
    "Nice to meet you too.
    I was just going."


    Years pass.


    I'm a senior and finishing my last semester.
    I begin seeing her again,
    Often.
    We have some truly deep conversations,
    And she tells me how her father is battling cancer.
    Yet some part of me almost wished she'd suffer such a loss...
    How sadistic AM I...


    Some days when I see her,
    I skip the rest of my classes and go home,
    I would pick up a 750ml on the way home and finish most of it.
    I couldn't share this pain with my future wife.
    Instead I would cry,
    And drink,
    And cry.


    The last time I saw her,
    I asked her if she'd like to exchange phone numbers,
    To keep in touch.
    She shows me her phone.
    "Is that your number still?"
    "Yes..."
    "Okay, gotta run!"
    She didn't give me hers.
    She only verified mine so should I ever contact her again,
    She can know,
    And ignore it.


    And now it's over three years since,
    And she still haunts my dreams.
    Cannabis used to stop me from dreaming,
    But as adulthood onsets,
    Weed is something I had to leave behind.
    And as my dreams return,
    There she is again.
    Not always,
    But she's there.
    Haunting me,
    Hurting me.
    And in my dreams,
    She still has that smile.
    That sadistic smirk,
    That tells me she enjoys the attention,
    But would never,


    Ever,


    Return it.












    "All love is unrequited." -Commander Ivanava, from the series Babylon 5
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    #2
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    mal3volent's Avatar
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    I definitely feel for you man. The story flowed very well. Brought up a lot of things for me that I've been dealing with for about the same amount of time. I finally just ran away. Three states away. That wasn't the only reason I moved, but it was a reason. It was unbearable for me to be in the same general area as him, always having to avoid certain places but still knowing in the back of your mind that it was only a matter of time. I don't know what the future holds, but I know deep down that nothing will ever feel the same. However good or bad the rest of my life turns out, I'll never love anything the way I loved him. I don't know how we're supposed to deal with shit like that, but I guess we do. It's like a black hole in my mind. My best days are those I just manage to keep my distance and avoid getting sucked in. But there's no forgetting it's there.
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    #3
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    ^Thanks for reading.

    Yeah, I forget about my pain every once a while... but then after discontinuing cannabis use, I've been flooded with dreams nightly. She's not always in them, but she'll always be lurking, ready to enter my mind when I least expect it.

    I wrote this poem/story to try and deal with some of the trauma of it all. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go.

    I'm happily married now and yet this girl, from ten years ago, still haunts me, even when I haven't seen or heard from her in years. It makes me feel real shitty that my unconscious mind finds her in my sleep when I just want to be happy with the love I have.
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    #4
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    BehindtheShadow's Avatar
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    Thank you for sharing
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