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Thread: Shy with the ladies due to previous relionships

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    Shy with the ladies due to previous relionships 
    #1
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    Speed King's Avatar
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    First, TL;DR or utfse. That being said, I'm a nice good looking male. When I date anybody, I am a gentleman. I pull out all the stops. etc.My issue is I was married and due to various reasons I was severely hurt, which led to a bad self image, which led to a complete inability to approach women that I was interested in. I have been doing the whole walk it off, it's all in my head. Still shy. I am sure this effects a lot of men besides myself.I am seeking advice from people who been through similar situations or simply know how to snap out of it. Thanks for addressing this issue . This is for all folks with a similar situation.
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    #2
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    I think you need not blame yourself.

    Just think of her as just one more person, who did a bad thing, and you happened to be the target by sheer luck. Those types of people who emotionally destroy you at the end of a relationship, do it to everybody. They are very good at emotional manipulation, and will smell out all your insecurities like a bloodhound and attack when the moment is perfect. She'd do it to anyone.

    So this insecurity isn't a reflection of yourself, more so the reflection of her when she doesn't have it her way. If that makes sense.
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    Bluelighter zephyr's Avatar
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    Heh.


    I'm never being with a guy again, like in a relationship.

    Not shy, just not going through that shit again. So been there, never again.

    Sounds like you're forcing yourself out there when you're not ready.

    You'll meet someone when you are not expecting it, the more you put pressure on finding someone the less likely it'll work.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Speed King View Post
    First, TL;DR or utfse. That being said, I'm a nice good looking male. When I date anybody, I am a gentleman. I pull out all the stops. etc.My issue is I was married and due to various reasons I was severely hurt, which led to a bad self image, which led to a complete inability to approach women that I was interested in. I have been doing the whole walk it off, it's all in my head. Still shy. I am sure this effects a lot of men besides myself.I am seeking advice from people who been through similar situations or simply know how to snap out of it. Thanks for addressing this issue . This is for all folks with a similar situation.
    You've disclosed very little about, the details of your shyness. Do elaborate, with your concerns on the issue - with your effort to help your fellow-man, eh?
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    #5
    I feel your pain. I have a couple of personal experiences that I think contribute to my own problems meeting women and dating.

    1) I was bullied very badly through my childhood and even into my late teens/early 20's. Even though I know that I'm not *that guy* anymore (and have been reassured by countless people over the years), it's very hard to shake that negative self image.

    2) My public persona is very different from my personal one. I've met a lot of women through the local music scene and they see me as the romantic singer/songwriter dude. It's actually much easier for me to mix 'n' mingle in a room full of people than it is to have a one-on-one conversation. When they see my shy side, I think that they're a bit disappointed sometimes.

    3) I've been burned very badly in a couple of serious relationships, so I naturally have my guard up all the time. I would have to know someone very well for a very long time before I seriously considered dating them at this point.

    Hang in there my friend; You're definitely not alone.

    Peace, Love and Faith,
    Dreamflyer
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    #6
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    Let me first start by thanking those who take the time assisting me in getting over myself and loosing any shyness I have gained over the years. To keep this as brief as possible, i'll continue from my marriage. I was married to a woman who wanted things her way. I was still young enough that I wanted to experience things. We became pregnant and I wanted that baby oh so much, but it failed to help our marriage at all. She just was not interested and left me three days before the baby was born. The bitch even signed her maiden name on the birth certificate. She never took my last name to begin with. I should have known that something was a miss. Fun fact. She remarried. Her new husband has not sired any children with her. Also, since I am in the picture, new husband cannot adopt my child. I am happy about that.I never had a chance to get this off of my chest. It just decayed there. Since the time I was married, ready (1999-2001) yep, I have had a low self image that turned into a clusterfuck of negative images of myself stemming from events during that marriage. I have not been able to shake this feeling that anyone could take one look at me and see damaged goods. I guess I believed what I thought to the point, that it came true. I forgot the order in which these points were raised, but I look in the mirror and in my heart and know I am not as bad or ugly as I thought I was. Subjective, but I'm willing to just go for it here. I have an esteem issue. I have dated women that I wouldn't bring home to mama. That doesn't count. I am respectable and I expect an amount of respectability out of whomever I date. That being said, I have not had a real girlfriend in a while. I mean girl that is my friend that likes me for me and wants to hang with me and do dating things with me. If I cannot be friends with a lady, forget it. I am happy to say that I am not interested in a quick lay. Don't get me wrong, hot is hot and that is great, but I see the person inside. I want both. I'm ready to date her. If we are great friends, I'll make out, but I want a friend, period. A lady should want that. Once I know that I have been accepted by someone, the shyness doesn't exist. I may proceed with caution, but, I am over myself. I apologize for the wall of text. Its the laptop. I hope this explains where I am coming from. Feel free to keep posting your replies.
    Last edited by Speed King; 18-10-2018 at 14:31.
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    #7
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    Hey you considering going to therapy and working on processing everything that happened? It can also help you work on your confidence? Or if you don't want to go to a therapist, then next level down would be someone like a life coach -- or even a personal trainer/like for workouts-- they help build confidence too.

    Therapy may be covered under your insurance.. although I don't know where you live.
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    #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pretty_Diamonds View Post
    Hey you considering going to therapy and working on processing everything that happened? It can also help you work on your confidence? Or if you don't want to go to a therapist, then next level down would be someone like a life coach -- or even a personal trainer/like for workouts-- they help build confidence too. Therapy may be covered under your insurance.. although I don't know where you live.
    I just moved and have only limited coverage where I am at. I am open to alternatives to regular doctors. Heck, if there was a buddy system, all I would need afa general coach could be virtual and found within the community.We help each other here. I went to a therapist a few times before I moved. What a fucking joke. All they wanted was for me to give them information and not answer any direct question I had, all while smiling smugly. Nope. I will go further with a few or more good words here from people I trust, then from con's.
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