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    Relapse and asked to leave rehab 
    #1
    So discouraged, the rehab call me two weeks ago on a Wednesday at 2:00 pm to come in the next morning for 28 day inpatient rehab. I was in a binge and went there after a 4 or 5 day bender. I tried my best participated and followed all the rules. I had a day pass on Sunday and as soon as I walked out the door I forgot what I learned and picked up some to use. I stopped myself after and 1.5 hour and went back. My councillor wasn?t there and one of the ?educators? who I liked checked me back in. I lied when he asked me because I was afraid they would kick me out. Later that night I went down at 10:45 to talk to him and say the truth. He left at 10:30. (They even have it documented I went down) I just went to bed and was going to tell my councillor case manager but it was thanksgiving Monday (in Canada) and she wasn?t in. After the 9:00 am morning meeting I was pulled into an office and asked if I brought in syringes they found in the toilette tank. Because I was the only one there who injects (or the only one honest that I inject) I was told everyone was going to be tested so I told them the truth about using the day before on my day pass.
    The needles were seriously not mine! They tossed the rooms everyone was laughing with the inspectors except me. The worker threatened me if she gets pricked with a needle it would destroy my life, asked me where and how I?d bring it in if I did. Told me she?s not stupid and should be honest. It was a very stressful time and hearing at lunch everyone saying the jokes about their search. Today Tuesday there were 3 people who tested a ?false positive? for oxy they were open about the results and denied. Today I was asked to leave the rehab because I didn?t follow the day pass plan and wasn?t honest right away. I feel in my heart they think it?s me who brought the needles and that was a part of the reason. I admit I messed up but I was proud I went back and didn?t give up and turn the relapse into a 5 day binge. I was devastated today, that despite that I was still asked to leave, I am scared of myself to be home now, I felt safe there. I was told they arranged a outpatient plan and a possible new inpatient start date. I feel hopeless like they gave up on me.
    I feel like the biggest loser like I?m never going to get better. Thoughts?
    Injecting coke has a hold of me and I feel so powerless
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    #2
    I know its really hard and just saying it maybe wont help you at all, but inyecting coke is going to seriously diminish your life and will put you in the grave someday if you keep doing it, cocaine is a really harmful addiction, I think that at the end, the decision is only yours to quit. I dont know if rehab works, most people ive ever known who go to rehab relapse, you have to have the true desire and willpower to stop yourself... And im sorry you were treated that way, I know how it feels to be accused of something you didnt do, especially when you think you got kicked out for it... they definetly didnt give up on you, there are people who are way worse than you believe me, there are people going to rehab for the 7th or 8th time... keep your head up and stay safe bro, cocaine is a very harmful drug.
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    #3
    Pumpkinheart-

    You're not a hopeless loser. Don't beat yourself up --and it's a rehab!! They have seen it all. You using on your day pass is probably one of the milder things they've seen/dealt with.

    My thought is why would they give you a day pass that soon! I mean, c'mon. You're still really vulnerable and really early in your recovery.

    Also, the way you described their behavior while they searched your things was not professional at all. In fact, the way you described alot of stuff about that place - it doesn't sound like a good place or a place that's conducive to recovery.

    I hope you find a place better suited to you. Hold
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    #4
    Hold your head up. The fact that you want to get well is a great sign. I hope you come and k xfeedeep us updated! Sending you positive vibes and a hug from the USA. .,
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    #5
    Bluelighter ladyhlove's Avatar
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    I'm with 10 years...this doesn't sound like a very good rehab at all. It's incredibly unwise for them to give you a day pass this soon into your treatment, first of all, and yes the comments made during your search were incredibly unprofessional.

    Here's my opinion of rehab: they're usually a giant scam. To open one, you'd be quite surprised at how little actual medical experience is necessary and they are literal gold mines for their owners. Also, keep in mind that they are a business. What's the best thing for business? Repeat customers! Did they give you your money back? I would be surprised if they did. And now, you have to pay to get back in...more money for them! In my experience, you can get everything you need for recovery from a decent drive to really want to quit in addition to THERAPY and lots of it. Rehab's biggest strength is getting you into a place where you can not physically score drugs, giving you some distance and space from your last use and giving you the time to gain some clarity about your addiction without the drug clouding your thoughts. What kind of support system do you have? Parents, friends, a s.o? Do you have anyone that could stay with you for about a week and help you detox and help you not break down and use again during the toughest time (the first week or so)? I'm just saying, there are other options besides rehab. I've found outpatient treatment incredibly helpful.
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    #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by ladyhlove View Post
    What kind of support system do you have? Parents, friends, a s.o? Do you have anyone that could stay with you for about a week and help you detox and help you not break down and use again during the toughest time (the first week or so)?
    I would recommend this as well. I've been pretty lucky to be able to dry out at the houses of friends. If you don't have anyone you can stay with, I suggest immersing yourself in multiple support group meetings a day. That's not to say that I think 12 step is the end all of addiction treatment, but at least you will be around people that [mostly] are well-meaning and will try to be helpful, and it's an hour in which you're distracted from any craving you might have.
    Struggling with addiction? Join us at Sober Living. We can help.
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    #7
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    I blame the rehab. They straight set you up for failure. But thats not really helpful at this point. I suggest you reapply for rehab. Until then practice harm reduction and stay alive. That's the best you can do. If things get too out of control go to the ER and tell them your suicidal. That sometimes will jump you to the top of the list
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    #8
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    That rehab doesn't really sound like a good environment to begin with, like others have said.

    I'd look for a different rehab if possible. If not, find a counselor who can do intensive outpatient with you and try to get into a sober living if your current living situation isn't good. 12 step or group therapy is also a really good idea, try to go to at least 2 a day.
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    #9
    I hate that there are so many similar stories of people being asked to leave a rehab because of drug related issues. I mean, I get it kinda, but at the same time people are there for a reason. There should be other measures/ways to deal with situations other than just leaving people in the dust. But besides that, you're not a loser whatsoever. It's not easy, an if anyone ever said it was their full of it. I do hope you find a safe place where you can get the help you want/need.

    My unsolicited advice though in the meantime; I too was an iv cocaine user. It ruined my life for years. I couldn't see myself successfully doing a rehab, so I took matters into my own hands. Delete anyone and everyone you even could possibly associate with getting high. Remove yourself as best as you can from any potential triggers/enablers/etc. ***I know, sounds so easy on paper.*** If things were to get unbearable, I'd try local hospitals with a psych/rehab unit. I know 2 by me that you literally just say "I'm going to kill myself" and they will admit you for at least 72 hours and then go from there. Again, I realize that sounds a bit dramatic, but I'm just trying to throw suggestions. Good luck hun.
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    #10
    Thank you all for responding.
    It was a government paid service, I did not pay so I know it wasn?t a money reason they asked me to leave. The place had great staff and I found them to be really educated and genuinely liked what they do. Up until the moment my they searched my room I never felt disrespected. They said the only reason I was asked to leave was that I was dishonest when I came back on the Sunday. They said I could have told someone else or someone else in the morning.. right away. I was scared and maybe they are right but I had good intentions and came back and stopped a binge. Anyways I wanted to stay there because I was supervised, areound people. I have pretty much zero support at home (I live alone) and everyone around me wants nothing to do with me. This was my first rehab and they think I got kicked out on purpose and won?t give me the time of day to explain.
    I asked friends and family if I can stay with them and they all said no.
    Being alone is a trigger especially for 3days+ in a row. I don?t know where or what to do??
    For the outpatient service I?m supposed to be clean to start a week before and remain the whole time.
    I start tomorrow and I?m not, but I?m going to stop today and go tomorrow and take it one day at a time. These expectations of just being able to stop before and during when that?s the reason you?re there confuses me - they say don?t think of things as black and white but they are black and white. They say they know I can?t stop once started but can control myself to not let it start.. I?m still struggling not starting.
    I just feel like a big mess.
    But I?m going to keep trying. I don?t even like it anymore.
    One day at a time I?m not giving up
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    #11
    pumpkin,

    Wow for a rehab that has surely seen so much, they could have treated you with a lot more respect, especially since you did come clean with them.

    Try not to let it get you down, you are NOT a mess, EVERYONE makes mistakes and no ones struggles are more important than anyone elses. We all struggle. You have a really good attitude though, and you sound like such a great person.

    Hang in there, try to be kind and patient with yourself. You CAN do this and I am so proud of you already!

    Yes just take it one day at a time for the outpatient service, you can do this, and we will all be here to love and support you okay?

    And keep in touch and let me know how things are going when you can.


    Here for you anytime,
    and feel free to pm me anytime,
    love and support to you,
    your friend,
    Ash.
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    #12
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    Failing inpatient is pretty common. Failing outpatient is almost expected. Just go and be honest. If you keep relapsing they will probably refer you back to inpatient. It's a system. You'll learn how it works with experience
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
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    #13
    Thanks so much.
    I only felt disrespected by the one person who searched my room. I can understand the high stress on the staff when there is a danger and an unclear certainty. She must have been scared or worried that clouded her emotional control in that moment. We are all not perfect.
    They said the only reason I told them the truth was because they said everyone is getting drug tested. That if I told them before that it could have changed... I told them that I?ve been there for 10 days 9 of which sober (the morning I went in I was still high)and that the drug test would be inconclusive because it can stay in your urine for 2 weeks maybe longer with chronic heavy users. So no I didn?t have to tell you right there..
    I really respected the staff, and felt embarassed. I went to everything scheduled and gave my 100% in group and workshops. They told me they know I worked hard and had a pleasure spending time with me...

    Can?t harp on the situation anymore ( it still feels good to let it out tho lol)

    Tomorrow is my first outpatient meeting, I don?t know if they drug test there. If they do I will fail miserably. They told me I need to be sober for a week prior. I?m not going to go in there with using that same day or high.. but yesterday I used... not sure if I should tell them or just go and not say a thing?
    Any thoughts on that.
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    #14
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    Every outpatient I've been to drug tested. I don't know what you should do honestly. I worry if your honest they won't let you start. On the other hand if they drug test they'll know anyway. I'm not an expert on Canada's health system but in the states failing out of outpatient gets you a referral to inpatient. So failing may get you back into inpatient the fastest. Can any Canadians weigh in on that?
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
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    #15
    No advice on what to do PH, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, and I wish you nothing but the best today my dear friend!!

    Please let me know how it goes today.

    I'm rooting for you.

    Love hugs and support to you,
    here for you anytime,
    your friend,
    Ash.

    Quote Originally Posted by Pumpkinheart View Post
    Thanks so much.
    I only felt disrespected by the one person who searched my room. I can understand the high stress on the staff when there is a danger and an unclear certainty. She must have been scared or worried that clouded her emotional control in that moment. We are all not perfect.
    They said the only reason I told them the truth was because they said everyone is getting drug tested. That if I told them before that it could have changed... I told them that I?ve been there for 10 days 9 of which sober (the morning I went in I was still high)and that the drug test would be inconclusive because it can stay in your urine for 2 weeks maybe longer with chronic heavy users. So no I didn?t have to tell you right there..
    I really respected the staff, and felt embarassed. I went to everything scheduled and gave my 100% in group and workshops. They told me they know I worked hard and had a pleasure spending time with me...

    Can?t harp on the situation anymore ( it still feels good to let it out tho lol)

    Tomorrow is my first outpatient meeting, I don?t know if they drug test there. If they do I will fail miserably. They told me I need to be sober for a week prior. I?m not going to go in there with using that same day or high.. but yesterday I used... not sure if I should tell them or just go and not say a thing?
    Any thoughts on that.
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    #16
    I understand what you're saying Pumpkinheart. The staff was great, etc. You tried your best and feel embarrassed for messing up...

    That being said, and this I just my very humble opinion, it was kind of crazy to allow you a day pass so soon.

    If I had been allowed out of jail, no kidding I would've gotten something. I was a my mental, physical and emotional wreck at that stage.

    I give you huge credit for calling it at an hour and a half and heading back to rehab. I also feel bad, and pissed off, that you got thrown back to the wolves, so to speak.

    Of course your're using again. Getting thrown out caused a lot of anxiety, shame, etc. The perfect storm. So-called professionals know this.

    Being allowed a day pass so early was the mistake the rehab made. Not you.

    I don't know what to tell you about your current situation. I hope someone will guide you to get the help you deserve.
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    #17
    My first meeting in outpatient was good. No testing or questions. I knew 2 people from the inpatient. I likes this meeting more than the ones inpatient.
    People were more focused and open and the flow was nice. The two people I know invited me to a ca meeting tomorrow night. Never been a little skeptical of 12 steps. I would not go alone to my first meeting so it was nice to be asked.
    Feeling a bit more hopeful today.
    Not going to use until after the next meeting and take it from there.
    Thanks again I love this site
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    #18
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    Glad it went well. One day, minute, even second at a time is all you gotta do. You got this
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
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    #19
    Oh good pumpkin! I'm so glad it went well.

    One thing, one day at a time.
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    #20
    Oh that's so great to hear, I have been thinking about you and hoping it went well, now I know it did!!!


    Have a great day, and keep us updated. Glad you're here, You're in the right place for love and support.

    Here for you anytime,
    your friend,
    Ash.

    Quote Originally Posted by Pumpkinheart View Post
    My first meeting in outpatient was good. No testing or questions. I knew 2 people from the inpatient. I likes this meeting more than the ones inpatient.
    People were more focused and open and the flow was nice. The two people I know invited me to a ca meeting tomorrow night. Never been a little skeptical of 12 steps. I would not go alone to my first meeting so it was nice to be asked.
    Feeling a bit more hopeful today.
    Not going to use until after the next meeting and take it from there.
    Thanks again I love this site
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    #21
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    I've been through 8 rehabs over the past 30+ years (incidentally, the first one was for IV cocaine) and had varying degrees of success. I think my follow-through was much more important than the rehab itself. Once I relapsed after 3 years clean&sober and it wasn't because anything dramatic happened-- I just wanted to be high more than I wanted to be sober. It takes what it takes. Just keep trying. The only failure is in giving up completely.

    Best wishes to you.

    Peace&Love,
    jasper


    "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." -- Jimi Hendrix
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    #22
    Thinking of you Pumpkinheart, and I hope things are going well today, would love to hear an update from you.

    Hugs,
    your friend,
    Ash.
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