Bluelight

Thread: after all the pain and suffering it turns out that...

Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. Collapse Details
    after all the pain and suffering it turns out that... 
    #1
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Edge of the abyss
    Posts
    75
    well, turns out that i don't want to quit drugs. not really anyway..

    i feel like shit most of the time and i remember posting about it many times -
    i had a few replies from people who said that my drug use is what make me feel like shit.
    obviously drugs do make me feel shitty but i didn't start using for fun or out of boredom but because of earth shattering traumatic events that led me to escaping my painful reality. it's a stupid self medicating actually and very problematic at that.

    for years i thought to myself that i want or even need to stop using but now after much consideration and thought
    i came to the understanding that quitting is not something i want. maybe it's fear or denial but i can't risk not being able to numb my emotions and to feel exposed, like i am without skin or sort of an armour - it can and probably will overwhelm me and possibly create more serious problems then abusing drugs.

    i truly believe that in some cases complete abstinence can worsen things sometimes even to the point of suicide or suicidal ideation, severe anxiety and depression. not to mention withdrawal psychosis which is not that rare to my knowledge. in some cases tapering to a minimum is preferable. just my opinion though..

    as i'm typing those words i suddenly have the feeling that maybe i'm lying to myself to some extent.
    i really don't know what i want and very confused also..

    i think my mental health is deteriorating and i feel like nothing matters actually - i'll suffer either way. i guess i'm a complete escapist that can't or won't be able to face my reality without drugs.

    thank you for reading my rants and rambling.
    sure would like some advice or empathy if you have some to spare..

    peace,
    jona
    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
     
    #2
    Hey Jona! I know exactly where you are coming from dude. I have been mired in my own self-medicating mess for years. In the beginning it was fun. And I mean that sincerely. First few years I was living my own version of a rock-n-roll fantasy life. It all came crashing down when I realized I no longer had control over the drugs, it was vice-versa. And that is when the fun stopped, at least for me. I had no freedom. The drugs dictate every iota of my life. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for years. When I found heroin, it was a godsend. Literally took all my pain away. Over time it took everything dear to me, including my partner of 20 years. Now I am trying to quit. I have tried multiple times before. It gets harder with age. I used to think that if I had a bottomless bank account, I would keep using forever. Why the fuck not, right? But it feels like a cop-out. Like I'm not living an authentic life. I still haven't properly mourned the death of my man and that scares the shit out of me. When he died I truly believe the heroin kept me from joining him in the grave. So I get what you are saying about complete abstinence worsening a situation. I NEEDED DRUGS during that time! Now, I am just tired of living this way. I don't know how long you have been using, or what your doc is, but you know it doesn't get better or easier. I am trying to find the courage to kick. So far no such luck. But I want it and that wasn't always the case. You are not alone. This place is full of thoughtful, cool people suffering right along with you. And many have found their way out....I hope you can. I hope I can too. Thanks for sharing.
    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
     
    #3
    Bluelighter
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    who
    Posts
    2,782
    What is it that you get from drugs that you believe that you can not get without drugs?
    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
     
    #4
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Edge of the abyss
    Posts
    75
    it's hard to explain precisely what i get from drugs that i can't without and i'm not even sure what's true anymore..

    i don't think there's s a specific thing i get from drugs that i can't get without and the question i think should be asked is what will happen if i'll get off drugs after years and years of abuse, years that took a mighty toll on my body and mind. truthfully i don't think there's anything i can get from drugs that i can't get without drugs, only the fear of what will happen to me in the transition between taking drugs and abstaining from them - i might kill myself out of desperation, i might lose what's left of my mental health through withdrawal induced psychosis, become a menace to society and probably without substances i'll become addicted to some kind of behaviour in which maybe it won't be just hurting myself but also others (even if they would want me to).

    it all may sound like a defence strategy so i can continue using opiates and crack etc. with justification but i really fear losing my mind or commit suicide. i am stuck between my addictions and an unknown devil that may or may not exist. i fear that there's too much at stake - in a sense losing my sanity is far more frightening than losing my life so i guess it's all about dread and fear.
    Reply With Quote
     

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •