Not to be a dick, but in the future please don't write gigantic walls of text without breaking them up into paragraphs. If your posts are difficult to read, they won't get read for the most part. I'm going to edit this as a one-time courtesy.
After many years halfway managing to be functional on opiates, mostly poppy seed tea, and later heroin and now methadone...i decided to get on methadone because if anything it adds stability to my life and lets me save money/have time for living. well being on methadone comes with a learning curve and dont you know after id been on 'done for about 6 months i decided to get a gram of h one day for a good price just to sell to the people around me and about triple my money. well one thing led to another and a week later this new connect starts fronting me bundles. shit got a little wild so she decided to pull back and introduced me to her connect one day. a serious guy. i live in nc and he goes to NYC every week to two weeks to pick up 1/4 or 1/2 key type of connect. been selling for years, done 15 years for trafficking, beat a murder charge after sitting in jail for nearly 4 years, fully affiliated with the local Blood gang and higher up in their hierarchy. that type of connect. only the second SCARY and serious connect ive ever had.
anyways back to the story. i did fine for 6 months then one thing led to another and i started getting fronted-10 bundles with the new guy when i was used to 1-2 with the old girl connect. so everyone knows with methadone once you get to a certain dose (around 60-70mg) it starts blocking the rush from opiates and blunting the high. well i found out the hard way and for around 2 months i was constantly in a state of "oh my god hes going to kill me if im short again and barely scraping enough bread up to pay my debt while slowly adding a running tab up. of course he doesnt care, hes a real dope dude, he WANTS you in debt because then he controls you in a lot of way. so he HAPPILY let me get almost 1000$ in debt while knowing ful well i wasnt selling but maybe 1/4 of the shit he was fronting me. i would do 2 bags as a tester and then over the course of the night I'd be constantly back and forth doing shot after shot with my bags in each shot yet diminishing returns because the methadone. it got to where all the dope i did had to be the fentanyl dope because the regular, very very good heroin i was used to getting just couldn't cut thru the methadone like some fent dope can. so a perfect storm of a dope man wanting me in debt, my first time being on methadone and still trying to get high, not needing money to have access to large quantities of dope, and no real oversight led me into getting into multiple hundred dollar debts, constantly, pay him 200, still owe him 300,400, pay another couple hundred and then end up owing 2-300more. this adds up and had me in basically a constant state of "Oh god he's going to kkill me because he fronted me 7 bundles and after 3 days I only made 150$ and have to tell people i dont have dope because ive stayed up all night doing the shit. one shot of 3-4 turns into 'fuck it i might as well do 6-7. i can do 6-7 but ive never shot a bundle(11 bags here not 12 or 13) so im gonna do a bundle. well every bundle shot ends up in me owing him 70$" shit got out of control fast...all because the methadone vibes decent with the fentanyl dope. it got to where the only dope around had me constantly being negative on my drug tests for heroin/morphine/opiates while i know full well it's got to where it is literally only fentanyl. I got some dope that was light grey, rocked up good, looked just like great chunks of dope like pieces of concrete you can pick up off the ground...like the dope i got in new jersey and delaware and baltimore. chunks of concrete, but the dope i got would instantly turn the water dark dark blue JUST like if u put a drop or two of blue food coloring in it. the shit was surreal. you'd swear it was fake until a dime bag makes an associate overdose who's not on methadone, while im on 100-120mg and steady burning through 2-3 bundles on a 4-6 night a week basis and sometimes going as high as 5-6 bundles in one fucking night, maybe once every week to two weeks id do that one night. ALL BECAUSE IT WAS FENTANYL AND FENTANYL ANALOG DOPE. last an hour get a decent rush, fall asleep then 30-mins later im back in the kitchen fixing another 4-6 bags. you burn through dope extremely fast with fentanyl dope
SO that's a huge tangent. but my point is virtually unlimited access to fentanyl dope while on methadone has got me to the lowest, most anxiety filled, every 5 minute stressing my ass off, severe anxiety looking over my shoulder bottom I have ever been to. but this is a different kind of bottom. i'm not having to rob people only by sheer circumstance although I have done that three times with bad dope, and one out right 100 run off with someone's money. but it has just reminded me how bad life can get while everyone on the outside who does dope would be at my house looking into my life thinking "damn, this dude get to do 2-6 bundles a night and never gets cut off...he is only having to sell 2 bundles and doing 3-4 for free, while they never know the pain in my mind and the never satisfying urge to do more, chasing the high that isn't there anymore and getting such small returns on such huge shots that no one i know but a rare few could even survive size shots. they all think i've got it made. a dope man who wont cut me off and keeps fronting me dope, unlimited supply, call him and hes there in 20 minutes with bad ass prices(for me of course). no one around here can get a brick of dope( 5 bundles of 11 bags a piece ) for less than 100 a bundle(a bundle is over a gram and hes not cutting it, he's chopping it straight off multiple ounce chunks and giving it to me as the same shit people up north with phone connects get when they order "RAW" dope. everything seems like it'd be okay but because of this fentanyl dope God has shown me another section and type of Hell I've never seen or thought of before and it only gets deeper and deeper to where the guy has so much control over me that i never have a dollar in my pocket, over the last 6 months i have only kept money i was given ONE time, this past week, instead of giving it straight to him because i owe him so many hundreds of dollars, so much control over me where when he tells me something I basically HAVE to do it, i'm always wrong and hes always right and everything that comes out of everyone's mouth is pure game/a lie and the only person who is being 100% is him, which isn't true but i see how he thinks that, being a big time dope man everyone he interacts with probably do run nothing but hella game on him 99% of the time because he has the dope. especially girls.
it hasn't been all bad, he came to the house a few times and brought a girl with him to fuck me/suck me/anything i want and hes already paid her, thank god i only said yes twice, i found out later she may be a sexy ass little white girl but shes a full out prostitute and fucks a dope man down the street on the regular who is openly HIV+/ has Full blown AIDS and is constantly getting sick and having to stay in the hospital many weeks. he pops up out of nowhere with a girl who has to do what i tell her to, many guys would love that shit especially seeing how sexy this 28 yr old petite white girl is, but damn, him coming over every single day and only tripping occasionally, although it gets bad on those occasions, him coming over and giving me free dope to test and let him know whether to make the bags huge or small or if it really NEEDS cut BC it's too fucking strong and not safe to release in the wild.
many people would think i'm living in a heroin/fent dope dreamland and by many views i am but no one but a select couple people really have a true view into what my life really is and how down i always am, especially after i just celebrated a year without any heroin or methamphetamine(my other and ultimately my bigger demon who drug me down after many years of being functional to doing meth getting hooked and being a full blown HAVE-TO-SELL-DOPE and be the DOPE MANS-LITTLE BITCH basically like his personal slave and even though he is very smart and should realize the type of person he should want around him is the rare person who will tell him, NO YOU'RE WRONG, YOU'RE FUCKING UP, DON'T DO THAT, YOU'RE NOT RIGHT, instead of the usual suck up who doesn't have the balls to say anything but yes to him because they don't want to fuck up him giving them free dope, when in reality those people, the yes-men, those are the ones you need to drop from your circle because they will yes, yes, yes your way right into some hella trouble - the kind of trouble where you're lucky it's the police catching up to you instead of the much more likely random young fuckers on the street who are just waiting for you to slip so they can come up and don't give a fuck about your life or safety and will kill you in a heartbeat if you're not able to help them, or if you don't have dope, or wont give it to them, whatever. yes man are demons to a hustler. yes your way right into a case if you're lucky and a coffin if you're caught up in more likely situations while holding traffickable quantities of heroin/fent dope.
it only takes one slip for someone to realize what you have access to and i'm willing to bet 95% of the time they will be trying to rob you thinking they might get a couple balls or maybe close to an ounce if they re really fucking lucky and they end up getting 300 grams of raw dope and when that happens shit really changes because you're no longer a human being, you're obviously someone who is going to come back ten times harder at the people who just robbed you and can afford to pay people to find out information and can pay people to sling some bullets and the first hint of the person who was wearing the ski mask. everyone knows when you're ON it's a dime a dozen when it comes to finding a junkie who's willing to go beat someone's teeth down the person who robbed you or even someone who is affiliated with the robber just so you can get to the one's who are really at fault. family are free reign and most of the time preferred too because you get to torture the robber before their time comes. LIFE is PURE HELL. this is a life i didn't sign up for, and what's worse is I was sat down and although I knew this shit happens and knew eventually doing drugs and being around lots of dope and money and the people associated with that lifestyle, that I would eventually see the demonic side of the drug world. not to mention i was literally sat down before my dude started really fronting me quantities, after i had paid him then fell in hole then paid him add rinse repeat about 20 times over 2 months, he sat me down and was like look. just because you're young doesn't get you a pass in this game. the people i sling for ultimately don't give a fuck about why you don't have the money, they only care that it's not there, he aid i cant go to them and tell them oh my homeboy who sells fucked the money up but hes gonna get it. no that's a quick way to get kidnapped, your family hurt, and ultimately and hopefully you getting killed quickly instead of tortured and watching your family suffer before you die. he told me i may be young but this game has real life consequences, everything i do has a consequence whether it's good or bad, everything i do causes something else to happen, and shit can get deep and scary real fucking quick, especially for someone like me who got into the drug game ultimately self medicating and ended up being decent at it and feeling like it's the only place I've ever belonged because people would fuck with me and i "fit in" for the first time anywhere in my life.
i wasn't born into this or around anything associated with drugs. im suburban middle class-raised, medical professional family, was on my way to medical school before my pain conditions showed up when i was 17 ish and opiates finally got a grasp on my life. i made it for about 10 years but ultimately doing meth, living with people selling it, 5-7 people in the same house selling meth, and all doing heroin and some selling that too, life gets normal. it was crazy the first time i realized how normal it had got to me. i go from being around 5-8 people, three couples, where the men all sell dope, everyone but one person are IV meth users and all are awake any normal day for a week at a time, for years on end, where people coming in to slam meth and heroin and having 3 sharps containers is normal and running around with everything in the neighborhood electronic wise is taken apart and some mad scientist lab of to be fixed electronics covers the house and the basement and it being nothing to sell dope and at any normal time at "home" i was around a minimum of 2-8 ounces of meth, with one of three connects showing up at 3 am like clockwork and coming in with multiple pounds of meth and just passing the big Ziploc bag around to 6-8 people and everyone doing 1/2- even a gram shot of good freshly cooked crystal meth/ice and if you were coming off a 2 year long binge and had managed to get 3-4 hours sleep before your body giving in to the massive amount of meth still in your system and waking back up to go another 4-5 days before nodding out while seeing everything and everyone in your life who you don't want to and hearing everyone around you constantly talking about you while half of you always fight with the other half, living with someone who's house it is while our buddy stayed with us too and his wife of 7 years was over there everyday although she had pushed the guy who owned the house out her car one day when he was overdosing on tar, who she wrote bad checks when she was around 21 and everyone had a huge trafficking scheme going on and she ends up catching nearly 60 forgery and bad check and uttering forged instrument felonies, and for some reason is a pure wimp and even though her moms the one who pressed charges and shes never been in trouble so her mom was going to drop the charges once she had sat in jail a while and even if she dint she would only have to do probation, which she ended up completing after 5 years, only because she broke under pressure and snitched on every single person she knew and told everything about them all selling dope when her charges had nothing to do with those people or with drugs besides she was stealing from her mom to get drug money, if she would have kept her mouth shut then the charges would not have got picked up by the state so they could have something over her head and she would have to continue snitching on everyone and about everything she knew had ever happened, if she has only kept her mouth shut.
fast forward 5-6 years later and shes back hanging around the guy who owns the house, and his sister and her old man and his old lady and our buddy who married her right after she snitched... shes back around again, in the same situation but instead of being addicted to crack/coke like the first time she's madly addicted to methamphetamine. worse than the other 7 or 8 people living in the house, but she doesn't live there she lives 2 miles away at her parents house, god only knows how because they know she's strung out, 35+yrs old and still going to jail every piss test because she wont/cant stop doing crystal 3 days before probation, knowing she'd be okay if she did stop and just slept until probation and then she could get right back at it, shed rather go in dirty every single time and it's by the grace of God she was grandfathered into the probation system under the old laws because in 2012 the state passed new probation laws/guidelines saying you have to do 2,3 days in jail, up to 9 times, before they send you off to prison for 3-4 months and you get back out of probation and the time you serve doesn't come off your minimum sentence, it comes off the back end, off the maximum term, so if you were to go to prison you'd still have to do the minimum term even if you've already been sent to jail 100 times and accumulated 2 -3 years of time that normal people would think would come off her sentence but because it comes off the back, maximum end it's basically dead time, and there are such big gaps between the minimum term and the maximum that over 5 years of probation you can legitimately pull 3 years and stil have to do 2 full years if two years was your minimum. she got sentenced to probation before that new law, so the probation officer legally could not sentence her to prison only for failed urine tests, she would just send her to jail for 2-3 days mostly weekends and then add rinse repeat for 5 years, and instead of sleeping in jail, half of the time she'd just take some meth into jail in her pussy, and literally go crazy in jail and make the time fly and sell crystal to those nasty ass, period blood smelling, aint-washed-her-pussy-in-a-week smelling bitches on the women's block and get them to meet her boyfriend on the outside and pay him or do western union and then they call their people get the money situated and then she calls her boyfriend and when he says it's all good then the other inmate gets the meth, and she got into such a pattern of doing this where her being sent to jail lost absolutely all aspects of being punishment and began to literally be a game and something she looked forward to because shes stay up the whole time and turn 150$ of meth which is a ball if you're getting hustled around here, and turn it into 500-600$ in two days and get to do as much dope as she wants, although she is a smoker and she would have to eat it or snort it in jail, that would literally be the only downside of her having to go to jail. she did this for so fucking long, like 3 yers straight, she'd have to see her PO every 2 weeks because her PO knew she was getting high and could only send her to jail for those 2-3 days then have to see her again to do it all over again two weeks later. she was looking forward to jail, not because 500 or whatever is a lot of money, that was a normal day's worth of hustling on the outside but because all she had to do was go chill with her "homegirls" who she'd built relationships with bc she kept going back and forth in and out of jail, seeing the ame people she knew from the street, and seeing the same girls who had to sit there for however many months and years waiting for trial or prison to come get them.
Long fucking story short, this girl, the wanna-go-to-jail-and-smell-the-stanking-pussy-block-and-traffick-in-meth-to-raise-hell, that girl, the girl who got popped on her own stupid ass choices stealing checks from her momuntil it got to the point where her mom literally could not just ignore it or write it off as her baby girl being strung out and maybe shel; get better one day but deal with it until that day comes, she nearly put her parents into bankruptcy, and finally her dad made her mom listen and press charges, bringing this little crack hoe thieving from family and ruin everyone she know's ass life to a hault, and instead of taking her charges and everything being dropped, she ran her mouth, literally causing her charges to stick, and bringing the wrath of the state against all her"friends she'd been selling drugs with since high school and had a good little business set up with about 20 people that the cops just couldnt seem to bust. she became their window into the world they knew existed but they couldnt shatter for 7 years and when she snitched she took probably 20 people down with her and caused a lot of people to do a lot of time, almost all but 4 of the people ended up getting sentences way fucking bigger than the nearly 60 felonies the girl had herself, like i said she got 5 years probation, like 80,000$ restitution(WHICH IRONICALLY AS LIFE ALWAYS IS, her mom of all people ended up paying probably 85% of for money that had been stolen from her!, all the while the girl, who's name btw is danielle, little cunt ass trick that she is, has her mom and family including her little girl who's life she gave up for crack and eventually meth as if she couldnt have been any worse on crack until the day they went to get 4 ounces of crack and the dopeman's plug had got busted so he started selling meth, they came back to our buddies house and all of us are expecting our coke because we all put in together, well instead of an ounce of coke a piece we wended up getting brought into the meth game without being given a choice to get our money back or try the new drug, considering none of us had ever done more than try it and didnt know anyone who did it ebcause we sold coke nd people who do coke prefer coke usually, but little did we all find out how big of a fucking grip meth would take over our little country town in just 6 months or so, it came and spread like wildfire, everyone you knew was doing it, selling it, getting caught cooking it, or caught stealing shit to get money or beating the shit out of someone because theyre higher than giraffe pussy at noon and not thinking rationally because rationality stopped being possible a week and a few 8 balls ago. this girl came back with half a pound of meth instead of 4 ounces of coke, and looking back on it we didnt get shitted, we all got back 3-400$ and got two ounces instead of one ounce, but at the time we were pissed. it only took a couple days for our lives to change dramatically and go from coke fiends supporting ourselves and maybe helping family while maintaining our lives to full blown, psychosis on the regular good day meth heads and the needle came very soon after the bowls began rolling and once you graduate from rolling bowls smoking meth, doing the occasional hot rail or if wer'e feeling froggy doing a whole point in a line, back when a whole point seemed like so much, a four inch line split in two for each nostril. the usual dose for crystal IV seems to be 1/8 gram trying it out, testing the waters, but soon escalates to 1/4 gram being the go to normal amount and only going up from there. long gone were the days thinking our little brushes with psychosis from being awake 4-5 days on coke, long gone are the days thinking that's as bad as it can get. get 3 couples and 2 extra guy friends all in the same house, all doing crystal around the clock, with two people who turn into a paranoid fuzzball as soon as the shot hits them, even rolling bowls but good god a shot literally will send one of our friends over the fucking deep end. he used to run around crying begging us to stop, thinking we're police, setting up neuses to hang hinself and his dog in the woods, disappearing for hours sometimes whole days when the last thing we saw him doing was being suicidal cutting himself but knowing we cant call 911 because forget about the half a pound of meth and ounces of heroin in the house, if he sees the police coming for him he is going to literally lose his fucking shit, go crzier than craziest's crazy uncle as if that were possible and lose his shit, get all of us busted and most likely end up fighting the cops, getting shot, and that's if he's lucky, he'd most likely get shot, keep coming at the cops, get severely injured, end up in the ER strapped down going berserk attempting to be sedated with haldol and ativan and pentobarbital all the while little do the doctors know he's been awake for nearl 6 months and seriously may have accumulated 2 weeks of sleep in 6 months and that seems like that's way beyond what he ended up truly getting, going 6-7 days and sitting down, nodding out for an hour then his body getting just enough enrgy to come back to psychotified life for another few days all the while being taxed further and further into methamphetamine psychosis dreamland and his body seeming to only be in existence for one thing, the ingest methamphetamine and send him to even more psychotic, paranoid, demonic, hellfire reality. it'd be a good day if he ran away from all of us thinking were out to get him, all of us fucking his wife, and him disappear in the woods, breaking into our far off neighbor's barn of the many in the huge field behind our house watching use thru telescopes and binoculars, sneding us crazy texts from random burner phone numbers pretending to be god knows who saying god knows what.
it's is time to sit down and chill once you get to think it's normal being around 6 people selling meth and heroin, if there's not someone in the room weighing dope, selling it and always doing a shot somewhere then something is wrong, seriously wrong, being used to seeing multiple ounces and pounds of meth just laying around while having a couple ounces at all times in your pocket, while the bedroom has a safe in it with a pickle jar thats bigger than a gallon, a glass jar, that''s always filled up more than half way and usually almost full and someone constantly guarding the two doors just so they can get their' puny little couple quarter gram shots for free whenever they want 3-4 times a day and all they have to do is keep it together enough to know whether someone is supposed to be there or not and to realize whether everything is okay or not albeit remembering your in a psychotic meth-induced dreamland where nothing is normal except for everything to be not normal. someone sitting on the couch watching tv just chilling is true cuse for suspsicion but 6 people all throwing in on a quarter ounce of meth in a babyfood jar with 200 units of water and us all slowly passing the jar around until all of our needles are as full as we can comfortably stick ourselves and still fit enough blood in the rig to make sure youre not missing because shots this big leve massive golfball size welts that over the course of a week or two, normally faster if you actually slept, but usually took two weeks before you actually might have got 16 hours of sleep enough for your body to have a massive infectious response and the shot to slowly rise to your skin level before causing a huge two inch wide hole of pus and liquid that's green and yellow to finally break the skin and slowly make it's way out until 3-4 months later youre finally healed up in what should have taken 2-3 weeks to heal but you never get sleep so you never heal and your arm is just a massive welt of scar tissue and god-only-knows-what-else and then you remember your mother who's been clean 28 years from cocaine, psychedelics and marijuana in general, whom you cannot hide being high from even if you had just got out of prison and been slept up and just hit a joint and it's been six hours since u hit it. a mother who it is impossible to hide it from because she knows the ins and outs of everything you do normally and not normally and all your reactions like shes a computer and even your expressions. you remember she called two hours ago to tell you she'd be coming by to get you to go out to eat and visit but you normally could have just chilled at your grandma's where your mom is staying the few days she's down to visit but you cant go there anymore and be normal, only rarely and god knows everyone is thinking the whole time whether youre really just getting something to drink or you're stealing the percocets, or the massive 15 year old stockpile of hundreds of half used klonopin bottles your grandma has accumlated until there is a tote full of thousands upon thousands of unused klonopin because medicaid just keeps sending them and youve over the years stole many tens and probably over a hundred bottle of 40-90 klonopins without anyone knowing a thing because there are literally 250+ bottles just sitting in the open, or if you're really opening your grandpa's liquid morphine or ativan from his hospice kit that's so brazenly just sitting in the fridge and so obvious it seems like you're almost expected to go get some like your family is trying to trick you and trap you off catching you stealing a few sips for your drink or to stick in a medicine vial for your to sneak off to the bathroom and snag one of her insulin needles and blast off 5-6 shots because only 60mg of morphine fit in a 100 unit syringe, but normal people dont think that way. to go from holding half a pound of meth and digging in yourself for 30 minutes tryin your hardest not to make welts but caring more about getting the shit into you than looking crazy because in your mind it's bettter to be high and be able to stay awake than to go eat dinner and nod off in your plate because you finally sat down for the first time in over a week and your lack of sleep finally caught up to you. and of course yourmother swears youre lying to her and you nodding off, getting constantly kicked under the table because shes trying to make me wake up, she thinks it's because im high on heroin when in reality it's simply because its the first time i sat down in a week and my body cant go anymore, but being honest no matter how brutally so wil never seem like what it is, the truth to your family much less your mother after so many years of lies and stealing and manipulating to get everything you could ever fiend over and want and absolutely plundering their entire life because the only thing that matters to you is you not having to feel what normal is. your skewed sense of what normal is is god knows nowhere near what reality is for a normal person, but you're so far down the rabbit hole that there is no light anymore, only darkness and you think you're getting used to the shadows talking to you and think you finally know what theyre up to and what they want but in reality there are no shadows because you're a hopeless meth addict on his way to enternity, but wait im already there
And it all started with thinking i'm feeling normal for the first time and being accepted by people just like me, but something in me knows there is hope.
i've beat the meth somewhat and the fent dope is coming along too, one week is a lifetime but it goes so fast i believe i can do this afterall. well see
