• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Recovery IV FENTANYL DETOX(long post)

Yes Painful One!!! You go to that Doctor and you tell him!! After 9 years it's time!! You certainly deserve some peace and quality of life! I'll be thinking of you sweetie! ❤
 
Ugh that was a rough one. Last day and half was tough. Methinks I didn't realize how much I was masking the pain/symptoms this whole time. The Lyrica is definitely working though. After rolling around in pain all day, night, and morning like a pyschopath, I began to stretch out automatically and yawn. I get a few bouts of that and out of the blue the pain and muscle tightness is down from a 6 to a 2 (i consider 10 being set on fire lol).

At a 6 or so, I can't walk properly because of muscle tightness, so it's bizarre that it loosened me up almost entirely over 30 minutes. I've noticed this yawn/stretch since my first dose of Lyrica, but not everyday and not as severe of a contrast. I just hope it keeps up.

Thanks Ash. Yea I'm pretty certain about it, so much so that I'm waiting to use the Kratom in my room until I finish the outpatient program at the very least (90days?). I'm exploring all options though, so maybe Lyrica and something else, combined with my lifestyle change will do the trick. And as far as being hard.on myself, this junky boy needs a little toughening up, fast haha.

10 years, I started laughing when you said "keep in mind I'm on 80 mgs of methadone..." At 60 mgs doesn't Methadone start to block the effects from even IV'ng opiates?? Anyway I get what you're saying and appreciate it. I think this is one of those "everybody's different," type of things.

I have a few years of experience and research with Kratom. I used it to get off of Oxy, Sub tapers, prolonged use, and to manage pain in between scripts. I've found it extremely manageable and have only decreased daily dosage from whenever I started, eventually leveling off (within a gram or two) depending on strain, time of day, and how I feel; it's the complete opposite for me with traditional opiates. There's just something about Kratom that makes me doesn't pull on my "more" strings.

For me it's very subtle and there is a specific dose for that pain relief, energy, or anxiolytic effect, any more causes nausea, dysphoria, and the "eye wobbles." So it's basically a built in anti abuse mechanism, for me. And I'm not trying to make my case, just showing how it has worked for me in the past, and how I believe and hope it will work for me in the future. Oh yea, and plain leaf only! Tinctures and all those Kratkom extracts do not have all of the above and act more like vicodin/percocet, addiction wise.

PainfulOne you had me laughing as well. Hmm I wonder where... one of the most beautiful states to drive through (next rest stop 150 miles!!!Texas wasn't even that cruel). As far as people understanding, my theory is: I don't need to be skinned alive to know that it is an absolutely awful experience, putting it lightly. So I don't need empathy or complete understanding to have sympathy for something someone is going through. I don't get the lack of insight people have sometimes, but you're definitely not alone PO, although it seems your engulfed by these types.

My father and sister, who have no idea about what's been going on with me, as well as my mother who does know a decent amount (she's the one who's been taking me to doctors as a teenager) have been arguing with me about everything related to whatever it is that I have from day one. Last night my sister witnessed me during a flare up and had to leave and go to her apartment. She messaged my mother confused and scared I guess. After 15 years she finally saw what she only heard a little bit about.

So I can only imagine how stubborn your family is, since you have visible pathological injuries. It's definitely time for the next step. Just be cautious with narcotics. It seems you're the only one on Bluelight who is too cautious with drugs. Have to get some life back, no?

Catlady, yes absolutely. I just have to be extra cautious since I have crossed the line and the 17 lines after that lol. I'm definitely not falling back into addiction, I'll commit Sepuku before that happens. I know millions have said it before me, well maybe not the Sepuku part haha, but addiction only compounds more symptoms on top of pre.existing conditions. I'm done with all that nonesense.

Thank you all again for the therapy session.
Trip

Jeez Painful. Loperamide is dangerous to use since such high doses are needed to get any relief. I've eaten many a box, and drank many a bottle in gas station parking lots to make it through a few hours. Makes you feel awful and is toxic at those doses. It's an ugly state of affairs I say!
But seriously, when you do go, you may have to be firm or even pushy with your doctor. Because of the opiate epidemic, legitimate scripts are being withheld. Most likely, he won't have an issue given your history, but just be prepared to not back down. Remember it is your life we're talking about.
 
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Hi Trip! How's your day going?

I'm not on methadone - that was someone else's comment. Nada me.

I'm on Subutex. It seriously was a big step going on Subs. I put alot of thought into it I managed to get myself re-addicted by chipping. Never a good idea. So, here we are. For now anyways.


As far as Kratom, it sounds like you're experienced with it, know your limits, ideal dose, etc. If it works for you, great. I would use it if it helped.

I tried Kratom for w/d a couple times. I probably ingested 15-20 grams, and it was not a good experience for me. It caused anxiety and nausea, and didn't help w withdrawal.

Not to mention choking on it lol - and coughing out a greenish brown cloud. My God does that stuff taste awful! I was so bummed out that it didn't help me. After frequently reading about it on BL, I ordered it. So yeah, I'm in the percentage of people it doesn't help. Dammit.

I'm hanging in there. Today, I ran into a friend I haven't seen for a couple of years. He had a friend w him...that is a dope dealer. Really?! I'm too low on money, even if I wanted to use, I can't afford to. It was triggering. I felt a feeling of regret (that I can't afford it), and sadness. Gee-Zus! It's unbelievable that these strong feelings accompany meeting a dealer.

I hope you had a pain-free, great day! :)
 
That's it... i'm triggered and going back to Mother O. Just lost my entire post, and you know my posts are long AF. Lol i'll give it a go again after outpatient and gym.
Hope everyone's not in too much pain.
 
Yeah- Fucking Hate that!! 2 days ago, I wrote a mega long post. A detailed post about detoxing in jail, etc.

It was hella long. I don't even know what my finger touched, but it zapped my post into Oblivion. I lost my shit for a couple of minutes.

Or when you get "timed out" because your post is long. Ok. O.M.G.

Today is just a slow Saturday. I'm doing little things I've been procrastinating about. Hanging lights, hot gluing things - you know, being "normal". And I use that word loosely.

Boredom and anger are my biggest triggers. I'm feeling a little bored, such is life.

Hope you're having a great day. :)
 
Haven't chatted with you in a few, you good trip?

Thinking of you and I hope you're doing really well!!!!


Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Wassabi Trip?

Hope you're having a pain-free day.

Thinking of you and sending lots of positive vibes. <3
 
Hey thank you ladies.
Lmao, "zapped my post into oblivion." I usually select all and copy when I notice I have a paragraph or two, but Blulight.org caught me sleeping and did just that while I was scrolling up.

Yes, no falling off of the wagon for me! Pain is another topic altogether. It's getting frustrating as hell, more so now, since my mindset is completely different. I want to do things now, and want to develop and move it along, but the physical side is stopping me dead in my tracks. I understand there's a lot of repairing to do in all realms, and just physically rebounding from suddenly stopping heavy long-term opiate use is its own beast (super fatigue/stomach pains/digestive issues/aching bones).

These are all going to last another month at least, but I have no issues powering through it. 37 days ago I would have been a sobbing mess with no thoughts of the future. It's just that this muscle pain i've been masking for so long, stops me from doing a lot of things. It might dampen a bit further into sobriety, but I don't see it chipping away enough for me to even be able to have a part time job or to take a class.

It's strange when I get like that and realize there's nothing for me to take for it. Along the lines of when I was driving home from a meeting the other night and I went to reach for a cigarette and I realized I haven't had one in 38 days.

And I've already had a dream that I sniffed dope and woke up freaking out. Lmao I used to wake up freaking out if I dreamt I used all of my dope. It's also strange to be keeping my head during this and not contemplating suicide every time I get flare ups.

NA is going well. Went to visit a friend overnight in the city (passing all my old dope exits) and he tagged along with me for a meeting. The meetings I go to on Friday and Sunday are by far the best group I've come across for my deranged brain. They seem to be warming up to me and taking me a bit more seriously. I'm sure tons of people pop in for a few weeks and are never seen again, so I get the hesitation.

How's everything going with all of you? Any interesting and wonderful developments on your end? Thanks for all the love and support.

Trip

Jesus it just happened again!!! I literally posted it and it was there and then gone after I went to edit it.
Select all. Copy. Select all. Copy. Select all. Copy. Dot Dot Dot...
 
Thank you for updating your progress Trip.

Do you have any sort of meditation practice? Mindful awareness of the present moment is a powerful tool in dealing with chronic pain (or anything else for that matter). There are some simple "body scan" type tools that have been very helpful in changing my perception of my own pain. There are many apps in the play store, but the one I utilize the most is "insight timer". There are no remarkable differences between the free and pay versions. There are about 10k guided meditations for just about any topic I can think of. Glad to hear that you are regularly attended meetings to the point where other members are beginning to recognize you and warm up to you.
 
Hi Trip,

Good to hear you are hanging in there. I know the pain from withdrawal lasts a very long time and it is severe in the first few months.
Going through the loperamide withdrawal totally sucked because it lasted so long. I was surprised I wasn't freaking out rolled into a ball also. But I wasn't. Distracting yourself is helpful. I have a lot of rock concerts here with light show. Lol! And long soaks in Epsom salt baths with aromatherapy. Also "tea time" that one is a good one. Whenever I feel like I need something more for relief, I have tea time! I have found some great, helpful teas like sleepy time tea, green tea, and peppermint (combo mint) tea. The peppermint tea really helps out with the digestive issues. I am permanently managing those since having liver failure.

I'm really hoping that your pain eases up and you are able to do things. Really hoping for that! Give it some time.

I do know how disabling the pain is though. I keep telling myself everyday that I need (and want) to get to freaking work!
But then I go take a shower and just doing that and dressing myself is so hard for me. I then think, "oh yeah, this is why you have not been getting your ass to work and social activities and stuff!"
So very frustrating it is!

I really need to go sit on the beach for the winter! The weather changes really effect me. Do you find that as well?

Sounds like you found some good meetings with a group of people that are pretty cool and are not bugging you more. Lol!
I think it is great to have support and any support is good. Glad you found a few days where there is a good group!

How is the vein thing doing? I'm hoping for that to heal completely too. That is pain you don't need!
Are you keeping up the exercise as much as you can? I try to do that. I do good in the spring and summer with that but autumn and winter I have too much pain to do it much but I must because it is more painful when I don't exercise. Stretching and just little things help.

I have been having problems using this website the last- maybe week. I hear you guys.

I hope everyone is doing well and has a good day today!

Love you all very much!

❤️

Thank you for updating your progress Trip.

Do you have any sort of meditation practice? Mindful awareness of the present moment is a powerful tool in dealing with chronic pain (or anything else for that matter). There are some simple "body scan" type tools that have been very helpful in changing my perception of my own pain. There are many apps in the play store, but the one I utilize the most is "insight timer". There are no remarkable differences between the free and pay versions. There are about 10k guided meditations for just about any topic I can think of. Glad to hear that you are regularly attended meetings to the point where other members are beginning to recognize you and warm up to you.

Thanks for that information Jd. I agree about the meditation. It is the most helpful thing for me!
 
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Meditation has been a game-changer for me and a big part of why I enjoy Refuge Recovery meetings more than the traditional 12 step meetings, although I've been going for long enough now that the lack of variety in the meditations is starting to become noticeable. I think I may just start meditating at a Buddhist temple for the variety.

I was reminded of the value of mindful awareness at an AA meeting recently, when someone shared that in early sobriety and they were really jonesing for their DOC and called their sponsor, the sponsor asked them "What are you feeling?" "Well, I'm feeling like I want to use." "No, literally, what are you feeling? Are you sitting? Tell me how that feels. Describe how the chair feels underneath you. Tell me how the chair feels against your back etc." I had forgotten how useful mindfulness can be, although a rehab therapist taught us this is a great practice when our thoughts become disturbed. It was a great reminder to hear this shared at a meeting. Worth the price of admission right there.
 
I'm sorry to hear that your pain is screwing everything up. I get it though. Yoour mind and heart are ready to go. Ready to live - for the first time in a long time. And BAM! Down on your knees you go. It's a mf'r of a thing.

Out of sheer necessity (so I wouldn't run through a glass door), unbeknowest to me at the time, I taught myself bio-feedback. How to lower my heart rate and to ride through the pain. With my mind.

I had no other choice. Oxygen is used to treat cluster headaches. I know, weird. I thought the same thing when my neurologist prescribed it. You breathe oxygen at a high liter flow like 15-25 lpm You can't use a canula - not that I'd want to, the left side of my face (left nostril included) is in excruciating pain I'd go through the roof if a canula was put in my nostrils.

A guy that has cluster headaches, invented an oxygen mask, that seals tightly to your face, (so the O2 isn't leaking out) w a rebreather made of heavy duty rubber. It cuts your use time down tremendously.

Phew I digress (Jesus. Sorry!). When I moved to Florida for 5yrs, I lost my medical benefits. I couldn't afford or even get oxygen. And I need a high-flow valve too. I taught myself to calm down and focus on one thought. I sit completely still, with my eyes closed and think of pleasant (to me) thoughts. I used to pace and rock. At first, I just concentrate on my breathing. On getting it normal - I hyper-ventilate at first. I go into panic mode. The pain is overwhelming.

I say to myself "Just focus on your breathing." And that starts everything off. When I was at Valley Forge cp rehab, I was hooked up to a machine I had leads on my forehead and temple, and on.my finger tips. The guy would talk to me, and tell me to lower my heart rate. If I successfully did, a low-pitched sound came out of the machine and a rock would pile on top of a pile of rocks on the screen. Well, I'm a "zen-master" lol. It's true - the computer said so.

Sorry for the novel. Hope you're well Trip and everyone else!! Love you guys. I'm gonna be so pissed if I can't post this....
 
Haha remember Select All. Copy. Repeat. And of course it's a good omen as are all things AIC related.10, I'm honestly surprised that you can meditate through cluster headaches. I get migraines often, regular bad one's up to 3 or 4 times a month, and an outright fucking traumatic one every year or two.

Migraine's (I can't imagine cluster headaches) are a different animal. They absolutely demolish me. I don't even include them when I talk about pain or addiction. No meds work for your cluster headaches??? Sumatriptan 100 mgs helps me out hugely if I catch it in time, which is why I keep them accessible at all times. I really couldn't imagine meditating through one, let alone cluster headaches!!

Regular chronic pain I can understand. Lately I've just been rocking in my chair and moving a lot, clenching muscles etc... at groups or meetings (verry noticeable lol), and dealing with the pain instead of getting up and leaving. There's just no way around it.

I've considered beginning meditation/yoga in the near future so I'm glad to see the trend/hear it can be done, and appreciate the suggestions and references. Once I start leveling out physically/mentally and get a good baseline, I'm definitely trying both. Thanks JD and everyone for suggestions/references. Willing to try anything that could help.

Painful, ha my rock concerts are a little more on the grunge side. And yea, that's why as soon as I could manage without it, I stopped taking loperamide regularly (initially 4 or more a day, now tops 2 every other day or so). It's ridiculous what opiates do to your digestive system. I still have to walk around to burp myself like an infant lol.
Gym regularly is an absolute must for me. Certain days I just can't because my muscles get insanely tight. So much so that it changes how I walk and how I stand. Been keeping track and it doesnt seem like anything in particular causes it.
The weather just makes my muscles tighter. It's not nearly as much of a factor compared to someone with bone or joint issues. Gym with sauna or steam room maybe until the beach?

One vein is Hasta Luego for sure, but it was always a little messed up on the inside of my left bicep. Someone said it could have gotten that way from weight lifting?? Injecting hardcore drugs into it definitely didn't help, so that experiment failed. My main worry was the large vein running down the center of my left forearm. It got dark. Very dark. Before I quit, I couldnt believe how noticeable it was until i passed a mirror in a room with very little light. The entire vein was not only visible (i'm white in case anyone was wondering), but unbelievably obvious.

The length of "the darkness" let's call it, has been shrinking the last 2 weeks and most of the vein is starting to pop during workouts like in the other less damaged ones; so I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm pretty certain it's going to recover and I'm pretty sure it's from the upper body weight training greatly increasing circulation to the area.

Aihfl thanks. Never heard of Refugee Recovery before. It's nice to see some alternative programs and approaches. I really hope NA updates some of their literature a bit and allows some room on the pages for something such as Mindful Awareness or even as simple as "Go to the gym and eat well. If you do not know how, ask a member who does."

Too many passages feel like "It doesn't matter what you believe or what creed you follow, but you better surrender to God motherfucker or you're gonna be fucked." Lol. Just left a different meeting where 2 people had real issues with this type of thing. Refugee seems like something I could graduate to down the line. That goes for most of these suggestions, actually. I mean, if you guys saw me just 3 weeks ago... I'm grateful only a few people did lol.

Thanks again. Really appreciate the sharing and recommendations.
Peace and love. Peace and love.
Trip
 
Just for today dogma is in the person not in the book, whatever book that may be. The only understanding of God (or whatever anyone chooses to call that) I have is that I have no understanding, and it is better that way. I had a misunderstanding previously that I had some understanding and that limited me to the framework of my understanding. Today, with an understanding that I have no understanding I become capable of all understandings. Sometimes a belief in a power greater than me begins with a belief in a power OTHER than me. As long as I continue to understand that I have no understanding, my lack of understanding will not be limited by the constructs of my misunderstanding. Give me an understanding, especially a misunderstanding, and I won't believe a word you say until I convince myself otherwise. That was fun...
 
That was a bit of a mental tongue twister so to speak, but I get what you're saying; I may not understand it, but I'm following lol.

I'm very green and very new to NA, but in my extremely limited experience, I've listened to two people (with around 5 months and 3 sober) at two different meetings voice their frustrations with the use of "god," "higher power," and the conflation of cognition and spirituality.
It's one of the things that turned me off to it all these years.

I understand most groups or individual NA members are not trying to shove this stuff down a newcomer's throat, but it gets frustrating if you want to explore "the steps" and are forced to have "a god of your understanding." Why can't I just be an addict who is joining this group? I obviously have no problem with people talking about it, and falling into all aspects of the program fully. If a belief I don't have is getting and keeping someone clean, than it works, for them.

It just seems like a lot of verbal runaround for people that don't have theological or spiritual beliefs, like myself. It doesn't mean that those are missing pieces for people like me. I'm an atheist who's more "christian" than 99 of percent of practicing Christians. Also, I probably have just as much comfort and confusion and fear as any religious person does in life.

I fully submitted when I signed those releases at the hospital and fought with that asshole doctor so I could continue my detox in the psych ward. The higher power in my life is dope, and there's no love lost there.
Thanks jd
Trip
 
Trip-

It happened again. Lost a long post yesterday. It isn't easy to meditate through "a hit" (term used by us cluster headaches people for an episode). It took a few years to learn how to stay still through them. It's not an easy state to get to

What I wanted to tell you - I get migraines as well. Have you ever tried Maxalt sub-lingual tablets for your migraines? They're a game changer. You have to get the sub-lingual tabs and not the tablets you swallow. The Dr may argue that they're the same thing, but they really work differently. It has to be the tablets you put under your tongue.

I react badly to most protocol meds. My heart bangs out of my chest, I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin for about 12hrs and they cause rebound headaches. I've tried many things.

I wanted to make sure I told you about Maxalt sub-lingual tablets. If your insurance will pay for name brand, get name brand.
 
Do you know how to get BL to mobile phone format? Somehow, I have desktop format right now. I don't even know how I managed to get it. :?
 
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