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    I have absolutely nowhere else to vent this... 
    #1
    ***I'm almost embarrassed posting this. But as I literally know no one here, this is my best option to get this shit out. I'm not looking for sympathy, just someone to hear it that isn't myself I guess. I don't know.

    A few years back, I was in a terribly abusive relationship. I won't get into much details. Towards the end, he put me in a Coma for 2 weeks. (You get an idea of just how bad) 2 years of my life was a literal hell, an it unfortunately left it's scars in more than just a physical aspect.

    Anyways, When I think back to possible factors that helped guide me into drug abuse, this is one of the first that pops into my mind. He stole my youth, my security, who I was as a person. (Not permanently, so I've learned through time) I have slowly but surely picked up the pieces of myself I blocked out for so many years. (8 to be exact)

    Fast forward to 2 months ago, this man ran into me at a local pub. It wasn't pleasant to say the least. Ended with him in jail. Which, you'd think that would/should satisfy me. However, some how I am not. I check his record/current court activities daily, obsessively almost.

    I have the feelings of impending doom again. The constant worry again. This feeling of nervousness that never quits. The feeling of needing to shut myself down and out away from everyone to protect myself. And thus it leaves me lonely, on my own accord.

    I hate this. I've been catching myself doing more than just the recreational use. It's like I subconsciously just want to remain numb so I don't have to face my fears. Fears some would see as irrational. I'm scared. I feel myself going back down a path that I fought so hard to get off of. I don't know what to do. I am failing myself, an I just can't seem to stop. Things weren't bad, they weren't good necessarily either, but this just pushed me past my limits it seems.
    Last edited by PearlBoots; 30-09-2018 at 15:11. Reason: Misworded
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    #2
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    He's where he belongs, and you're where you belong - in the free world.

    All i can say is, don't go down the path that he wants you to go down.
    He's a major loser, and can't call the shots from jail.

    Stay strong.

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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by madness00 View Post
    He's where he belongs, and you're where you belong - in the free world.

    All i can say is, don't go down the path that he wants you to go down.
    He's a major loser, and can't call the shots from jail.

    Stay strong.

    Thank you. He is indeed. I'm just hanging on to knowing I fought my ass off to be where I am now. Hopefully I can keep that in sight as motivation to not give in. It came so unexpectedly, just wasn't mentally prepared I suppose.
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    #4
    Administrator spacejunk's Avatar
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    that sounds really traumatic, and i'm not surprised the abuse and violence has affected you so much.

    i don't think you should downplay the seriousness of these ordeals, or your responses to them. there is nothing to be embarrassed about; it's perfectly understandable that such a mentally and physically abusive relationship has taken a toll on your sense of self and your overall wellbeing.

    have you spoken to a counsellor about what you've been through?

    there is nothing irrational about how you are reacting to everything you've been through, although post traumatic stress can be quite unpredictable and erratic in what it does to you - and of course, we're talking about emotional responses which are not necessarily rational.

    there is nothing unusual about using drugs to help you deal with it, either - and it's a good thing you are at least concerned and aware of that being a problem.

    i've certainly used drugs when my natural coping mechanisms didn't quite seem enough. it's not a healthy response, but it's not unusual.
    many - if not most - of the people i've known who have a complicated relationship with drugs seem to have some form of trauma in their past.

    addiction can be quite a trap for lots of people with difficult emotional and psychological stuff to deal with - and for a lot of people,
    working through those issues is a big part of detox and recovery, if/when it comes to that. dealing with the underlying causes of addiction of chemical escapism.

    trauma can have a lot of weird and unpleasant psychological impacts - like hypervigilance, depression, anxiety, insomnia - all sorts of awful crap.

    if it is possible for you, i would really recommend CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) because not only can it help to talk to a psychologist about what you've been through and how you're coping (or not coping) with it - but it can also help you to process some of the trauma and work on strategies to put in place to get on with your life.
    ✺✹✺✹BLUA✺✹✺✹
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by PearlBoots View Post
    ***I'm almost embarrassed posting this. But as I literally know no one here, this is my best option to get this shit out. I'm not looking for sympathy, just someone to hear it that isn't myself I guess. I don't know.

    A few years back, I was in a terribly abusive relationship. I won't get into much details. Towards the end, he put me in a Coma for 2 weeks. (You get an idea of just how bad) 2 years of my life was a literal hell, an it unfortunately left it's scars in more than just a physical aspect.

    Anyways, When I think back to possible factors that helped guide me into drug abuse, this is one of the first that pops into my mind. He stole my youth, my security, who I was as a person. (Not permanently, so I've learned through time) I have slowly but surely picked up the pieces of myself I blocked out for so many years. (8 to be exact)

    Fast forward to 2 months ago, this man ran into me at a local pub. It wasn't pleasant to say the least. Ended with him in jail. Which, you'd think that would/should satisfy me. However, some how I am not. I check his record/current court activities daily, obsessively almost.

    I have the feelings of impending doom again. The constant worry again. This feeling of nervousness that never quits. The feeling of needing to shut myself down and out away from everyone to protect myself. And thus it leaves me lonely, on my own accord.

    I hate this. I've been catching myself doing more than just the recreational use. It's like I subconsciously just want to remain numb so I don't have to face my fears. Fears some would see as irrational. I'm scared. I feel myself going back down a path that I fought so hard to get off of. I don't know what to do. I am failing myself, an I just can't seem to stop. Things weren't bad, they weren't good necessarily either, but this just pushed me past my limits it seems.
    You have come to the right place for support. Bluelight is like a family. I hope that you are well and I only send love your way.
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    #6
    Yours fears don't seem irrational; you went through something traumatic and that can linger even after the actual threat is gone. I hope you are able to find some support and peace of mind.
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    #7
    I just wanted to update: I started back with therapy. Mostly to refresh myself on healthy coping mechanisms. So far so good, and thank you for your words and comfort.
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    #8
    I just read your post,

    Good for you PB, you've been through so much, I hope this helps a little. Also feel free to lean on all of us here too, we are all here to support you and only want the best for you. Try to be kind and patient with yourself. I'm glad you came here, you sound like a lovely person.

    Here for you anytime, feel free to pm me anytime,
    hugs,
    your friend,
    Ash.

    Quote Originally Posted by PearlBoots View Post
    I just wanted to update: I started back with therapy. Mostly to refresh myself on healthy coping mechanisms. So far so good, and thank you for your words and comfort.
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    #9
    Bluelighter Painful One's Avatar
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    I am so sorry that you endured this kind of abuse.

    Please know that you are worthy of the best life has to offer! You are worthy of love!
    You did not deserve that kind of treatment. None of that was your fault.

    This is a sick person who did this to you. He will pay a very heavy price for what he has done.

    Don't let him keep hurting you. You are not a victim! Rise above this and do not live in fear!
    It doesn't matter where he is. He cannot hurt you anymore. Don't give him the power of fear over you.

    You are more than he is. You are strong. You are a survivor.
    You are loved. You are never truly alone.

    I am very proud of you for the work you have put in to overcome this. Reaching out for help is hard.
    Telling your story took a lot of courage. Keep working through this.

    We are here for you.
    ❤️
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    #10
    He is very ill indeed. I'm not so sure I believe in karma, however he is a registered sex offender as of 2015 so his yearly photo is posted on the registry. And holy shit he has deteriorated so much the past few years. A small victory, but satisfying. As for me, this past week has been a breath of fresh air. Full nights of sleep, no anxiety attacks, I've even socialized out and about a bit. It's getting better, but it will be a long road.

    Again, thank each and every one of you. Posting here has given me so much comfort. It's nice to be able to have gotten it out without any fear. It's not easy to talk about this with my close friends, I never want them to hold that in their heads about me, you know?
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    #11
    Also, I take comfort knowing there is someone out there that may be in a similar situation and reading this. Sometimes it feels impossible to have hope of being "okay" or out of the situation, but it can be achieved.
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    #12
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    Yes.. as i recently told another member here, you aren't the only one..

    So don't blame yourself - These types of people are in-discriminatory in who they choose to leave in their wake of destruction. Sure, you let him in once, but these types of people are deceptive. And once you let him in, he took advantage of everything he could, i'd imagine. Well, he's where he belongs. It was only a matter of time. RIP. Nawt.

    Be good to yourself hun
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    #13
    Bluelight Crew Asclepius's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PearlBoots View Post
    I just wanted to update: I started back with therapy. Mostly to refresh myself on healthy coping mechanisms. So far so good, and thank you for your words and comfort.
    So happy for you... to read this after your OP...smart and strong, move. Good luck with it!

    Quote Originally Posted by PearlBoots View Post
    He is very ill indeed. I'm not so sure I believe in karma, however he is a registered sex offender as of 2015 so his yearly photo is posted on the registry. And holy shit he has deteriorated so much the past few years. A small victory, but satisfying. As for me, this past week has been a breath of fresh air. Full nights of sleep, no anxiety attacks, I've even socialized out and about a bit. It's getting better, but it will be a long road.

    Again, thank each and every one of you. Posting here has given me so much comfort. It's nice to be able to have gotten it out without any fear. It's not easy to talk about this with my close friends, I never want them to hold that in their heads about me, you know?

    I have not been in such a drastic situation and can't fathom you're strength of character and I don't want to compare because it's pointless but have been in threatening situations where I was at rock bottom and didn't tell any one, at the time. I think with most trauma, one dissociates or compartmentalizes it's affects, in order to cope.

    I think, it makes complete sense that while you are still striving to cope and process the fall-out from this degenerate, that it takes time to understand yourself, learn to take your own time to put those pieces back and put the notion of other people's perceptions - especially those in your immediate social group, on hold - while you keep galvanising yourself.

    To me it makes complete sense that you would, quite understandably, fear judgement/misunderstanding/pity or, any of the range of opinion that people might think - and that is too much to deal with at the moment, until you feel comfortable about what is the best way for you to approach others with yourself; should you decide to.

    So glad you got support for yourself - that extra, support is so essential when you are carrying a burden that was foisted on you, think you have a smart and strong head on your shoulders and I salute you. Life is short and you deserve the best and more, after what you've been through.
    Go reclaim your life, heal and keep fighting for the right to reclaim your good self!
    Last edited by Asclepius; 14-10-2018 at 00:10.
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    #14
    Thank you!
    It's definitely been a multitude of different thoughts/fears/emotions throughout the years, but I'm glad to know it'll be just another thing that helped mold me into a better person somehow rather than define me. (If that makes sense?).

    As for your past situation/trauma, I am nobody to say it wasn't/isn't equally as bad. That is another reason I try to hold back talking about it though, for sure. I never would want someone to feel like I was trying to trump their pain with mine. Ever.
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