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    Doing everything but still miserable 
    #1
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    The tropical storm in my head has just been upgraded to a hurricane.

    Im in therapy twice a week. Cbt and emdr. Different therapists male and female. I'm not using. I'm not abusing my prescriptions. I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can. But all I think about is suicide. Everyday. I started self harming again this weekend. The sting of the razor as it slides across my skin reminded me of the needle. Something about metal on my flesh makes me all reflective. But the blade doesn't really bring the immediate relief l need. It's a desperate measure and I'm ashamed.

    I'm scared to tell my phychiatrist anything. I don't want to lose my Ativan script. It's the last link to my old life. I'm only taking it every few days but tolerance has become an issue way faster then I thought it would. It takes 4mg to get that good numb feeling and I only get 30mg a month. I want to be sedated. I want to stumble through life in a daze. But haldol has an adverse reaction in me. I get panick attacks from it.

    My therapist broke out the dsm5 today during out session. I have traits from a bunch of cluster b disorders. The hospital diagnosed borderline personality disorder but I think it's bipolar 2. I'm not a manipulative asshole I just have an intense feeling of dysphoria. Like it's so strong right now. It came out of nowhere and everywhere all at once. I'm not sure I want to keep living if I'm going to feel like this.

    I don't know theres a fucking bloodstain on my shirt now. I don't feel like I cut deep enough to really express the pain I'm feeling though. I want to order a scalpel because razors just don't go deep enough. Lidocaine would be cool too. I bet that would feel interesting.
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    If you have a condemnation feeling about your life, loosing that will allow the other helpful things you are doing work better. Anytime I became very depressed, it was due to thinking I was worthless and mistakes I made in my life.

    What helped make the depression and all that goes with it worse was focusing on those thoughts until that is all I thought about.

    Change your focus. Pick some random positive things about yourself and attach your focus on that. Continuing to focus and speak negative in your life will only bring you down.


    This is a deep subject, but realize the battle is in your head.

    I have harmed myself by cutting. For me, I realized that it released endorphins and in a incorrect, backward way made me feel better.

    From what I have learned so far, all types of exercise including running and weightlifting will help kick the endorphins into gear.


    You may or may not be into this, but acupuncture stimulates the release of endorphins. I am actually looking forward to this one.

    I have found that pursuing anything healthy that I am interested in helps me feel much better.


    I am not a fan of the phrase (wording) fake it till you make it, but doing that will help much. Focus on some positive attributes about yourself. You are a presence on this site for example. I have read posts you have made and they have helped me out. Other lurkers read those same posts. How have you effected their lifes?

    Things you have posted have made people think. You have provided plenty of HR to people that would by default make their life better.



    That may seem OT, but I just pointed things out, that you have to admit are examples to personally feel good about.

    I am sure this is understood, but I have found that helping people in areas that I need assistance actually helps resolve the issue I am having.



    I hope that you can benefit from something in this post.
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    I have gone through serious depression in different times in my life. Sometimes during WD and others related to life incidents. I recently cut my radial artery and after bleeding a pint or so changed my mind and bandaged it up. There are still things in life worth living for no matter how bad it gets.

    I fortunately do not have any psychiatric or mood disorders, so that I cannot relate to. I can however relate to the miserable " whats the point of anything" feeling. I'm starting a new high paying job in healthcare and want to/have to be clean of everything and it feels wonderful to think so sharply, though I too love the numbness of drugs.
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    I have spent the last 13 years of my life living inside my own head. Filled with constant fight or flight, intense fear and panic. Unable to engage with the world around me. Truly alone.

    Every day was a battle with pain from fibromyalgia and crohn's disease. My inability to cope with the pain led me to develop severe GAD and panic/social disorder. I spent 80% of my life at this time living in 1 room. i couldn't even muster the strength nor mental stability to look after myself. I am ashamed to say i didn't even wash or eat or talk for months on end. My mother did everything for me. She saw her boy living hell on earth every day, and she lived it with me.

    It wasn't until she died that i decided i had to do everything i could to break out of this prison. This vicious cycle of pain and fear.

    I went to my doctor and demanded better help with my mental and physical health. i asked him "Why have you never sent me to a pain clinic, why have you never referred me to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I tried to take more control over my mental and physical health.

    He initially referred me to a psychologist for cbt. Who i attended for 2 years. He discharged me because he said i was stuck. And he felt stuck with me and didn't know what to do with me any more. He always insisted i never required any drug therapy. The man truly failed me. Failed to see that there was a biochemical reason for my mental health issues. He did all the 'talking' he could do to try and help me. because that was all he was allowed to do.

    I went back to my Dr. and asked him to refer me to psychiatrist. He wouldn't. I had to threaten him that if he did not refer me i would go to an organisation called Mind (uk based) and they would refer me to a psychiatrist due to his incompetence. He immediately changed his mind and said "ok i will refer you then"

    At my first consultation with the psychiatrist i was still on the useless ssri medication and lyrica for nerve pain and nothing else. I had also been self medicating with alcohol for around 12 years. He said "Give up the drink and i will improve your quality of life" It wasn't a gesture. It was a promise. We tried various drug combinations with no success. I had almost given up hope. Every day still being a living hell. Then he tried a new combination. At this point my faith in Doctors and psychiatry as a whole was all but lost.

    But a miracle happened. I started to feel better. Over a few months this feeling became more and more persistent. My brain was finally beginning to stabilize. The Drug combination was venlafaxine and diazepam.

    They both helped with the GAD and constant panic because of the Noradrenaline reuptake inhibition. And the venla acted as a nerve pain suppressant like amitriptyline or Duloxetine would. I finally managed to break the pain/anxiety circle.

    Since then i have been pretty stable and able to engage/ reconnect with family and friends. This man saved my life.

    So. I guess what i'm trying to say is, NEVER give up. There are so many drugs out there that can help you that you probably haven't tried.

    Sometimes it's just about finding the right combination for you. It can take a long time. It took me 13 years. But all those times i think back on when i just wanted it to end. I wanted to turn the lights off, end the pain, for good. I now look back on with a feeling of pride that i never gave up. I just kept going until the right man. With the right attitude and the right drug combination came along.

    There is still hope for you my friend. And i know you are a mod here. And have probably seen more than i might ever see with regards to peoples suffering and mental health issues. Addiction issues. etc... I Just wanted to share my story. And tell you you can come out the other side your old self again.

    Never give up hope friend.
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    Thanks for the love it means a lot. I know a big part of the feeling is from lack of sleep. I'm only getting like 4 hours a night of really choppy sleep. Stay up till 5 doze off wake up at 7 and 9 really tired then get up. By the time of the next night I'm not tired anymore. It sucks.

    I hope I feel better soon. This isn't sustainable
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    Lack of sleep, especially if you think you have Bipolar Disorder, can be very determental to your health. Do you feel manic at all?

    Even if you don't, lack not getting enough sleep can really disturb your thought patterns.

    I too hope you feel better soon.
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    No I don't ever get manic. I switch from reasonably normal to extremely depressed quite often. I've been considering I could be bipolar 2 which if I understand correctly doesn't really have a manic phase.

    Whatever you want to call it my symptoms are rapid extreme mood shifts. Dysphoria that leads to suicidal ideation. Impulse control issues. Self harm. Multiple low lethality suicide attempts and gestures. Feeling empty. Lack of stable sense of self.

    I seem to click off most of the symptoms of borderline except for the splitting on people aspect. Imo it's some kind of cluster b personality disorder with Co occuring CPTSD, ADHD and Depression.
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    I hear you - I've got bipolar and "antisocial traits". It's hard to differentiate symptoms, but the first step is to identify them as you've done.

    Therapy can be tough, and I know you want your scripts, but the more honest you are the more you'll in turn learn about yourself.

    We are sort of in arrested development, and without a non judgmental third party for feedback we'll stay that way.

    Keep pushing through my friend things can always get better. Sometimes worse, but the more you Learn the more tools you'll have to combat the bad.
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    Just a thought. You don't need to be so worried about telling you'r psychiatrist about how you really think and feel. They'r not going to take away your benzo script if they think your suicidal. It's practically impossible to kill yourself with benzo's alone. So i don't see any issues there.

    Now if you said that and you were on amitriptyline. They would take you right off it coz that shit is proper lethal. That's why they wouldn't give it to me for nerve pain and went with venlafaxine which is alot harder to OD on.

    I also used to self harm. Just slicing up the top of my arms. I also used to heat up lighters. Clippers they call them here in UK. not sure if you get them where u from. Anyway i wud heat up the metal rim and the metal striker part and brand myself with what u call smileys. Because the metal rim and metal striker get red hot and leave a smily face brand on your arm, thigh wherever.

    I still have one quite visible on my arm and i just think to myself. Man what a fukin idiot. Iv scarred my body for life now. with a god damned smiley face. I'm gonna have to wear a long sleeve shirt When i start work again for the rest of my life.

    That was like 10 years ago but iv still got the cuts and burn scars and i just really regret it now. I suppose it was a distraction from other pain both physical and mental at the time. Sometimes it wud feel like there was so much pressure in my head and the self harm kinda released it u know?

    But as Speed King said. There are far more productive ways of releasing stress or pressure. I would even recommend masturbation. No joke.

    Get your endorphin releases elsewhere.
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    Quote Originally Posted by cj View Post
    The tropical storm in my head has just been upgraded to a hurricane.

    Im in therapy twice a week. Cbt and emdr. Different therapists male and female. I'm not using. I'm not abusing my prescriptions. I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can. But all I think about is suicide. Everyday. I started self harming again this weekend. The sting of the razor as it slides across my skin reminded me of the needle. Something about metal on my flesh makes me all reflective. But the blade doesn't really bring the immediate relief l need. It's a desperate measure and I'm ashamed.

    I'm scared to tell my phychiatrist anything. I don't want to lose my Ativan script. It's the last link to my old life. I'm only taking it every few days but tolerance has become an issue way faster then I thought it would. It takes 4mg to get that good numb feeling and I only get 30mg a month. I want to be sedated. I want to stumble through life in a daze. But haldol has an adverse reaction in me. I get panick attacks from it.

    My therapist broke out the dsm5 today during out session. I have traits from a bunch of cluster b disorders. The hospital diagnosed borderline personality disorder but I think it's bipolar 2. I'm not a manipulative asshole I just have an intense feeling of dysphoria. Like it's so strong right now. It came out of nowhere and everywhere all at once. I'm not sure I want to keep living if I'm going to feel like this.

    I don't know theres a fucking bloodstain on my shirt now. I don't feel like I cut deep enough to really express the pain I'm feeling though. I want to order a scalpel because razors just don't go deep enough. Lidocaine would be cool too. I bet that would feel interesting.
    What you say pretty much sums up how i feel so know that you're not alone....I've been diagnosed BPD and for me that makes sense (after looking at Dr Ramini go thru the 9 traits Youtube)........like you i feel like my doctor considered me to think her as my own personal legal drug dealer....then i realised that that was my assumption....i do not 'know' that is how she thinks.....BPD's are not manipulative on purpose....that is just how other people sometimes interpret us as we can behave completely irrationally and it can come from nowhere that those close may feel like they are walking on eggshells around me......it , infact, was only recent that i realised that my tendency to lose my temper and throw things around and kick furniture was not 'normal'....i'd not thought about the fact that i don't see other people behave like that....neither do i see them collapse on the floor in hysterics because they can't find something.......i also cut myself.....my arms and upper chest and tops of my legs are like road maps from scars.....i don't do this to try and permanently hurt myself but i do it when i feel like at emotional balloon about to explode and the craft knife is the 'pin to the balloon' i slice and draw blood and that releases pressure......i had spent the last 3 years clean...prior i'd spent 6 years self medicating with 'legal highs' but since they were banned in 2016 i've been on a rapid decline and like you....would fantasise about death.....i don't leave my house as i'm agrophobic......only recently did i fully disclose to my doctor what had been going on the past 9 years as she had sat quite happily chirping away that i'd get better as i'd had it before......so i told her....the only reason was because i could purchase a certain substance legally online and self medicated with it...now that its no longer available i realise i'm unable to cope without it as the rapid decline in my mental health has me as a living corpse.......i too wish to stumble thru life in a daze...i'd even fantasised about having a terminal illness so i can live the rest of my days in a morphine induced state of bliss that could justify my death to my children....yes...i'm a mother.....and my kids live with me......i was so worried that i was in no fit state to look after them i told my doctor i am DESPERATE to get better...i'll do anything.....admit me to hospital, section me, anything.......she's referred me to BPD specialists so i have yet to see what will come of that......
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    Quote Originally Posted by Barry big tits View Post
    I have spent the last 13 years of my life living inside my own head. Filled with constant fight or flight, intense fear and panic. Unable to engage with the world around me. Truly alone.

    Every day was a battle with pain from fibromyalgia and crohn's disease. My inability to cope with the pain led me to develop severe GAD and panic/social disorder. I spent 80% of my life at this time living in 1 room. i couldn't even muster the strength nor mental stability to look after myself. I am ashamed to say i didn't even wash or eat or talk for months on end. My mother did everything for me. She saw her boy living hell on earth every day, and she lived it with me.

    It wasn't until she died that i decided i had to do everything i could to break out of this prison. This vicious cycle of pain and fear.

    I went to my doctor and demanded better help with my mental and physical health. i asked him "Why have you never sent me to a pain clinic, why have you never referred me to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I tried to take more control over my mental and physical health.

    He initially referred me to a psychologist for cbt. Who i attended for 2 years. He discharged me because he said i was stuck. And he felt stuck with me and didn't know what to do with me any more. He always insisted i never required any drug therapy. The man truly failed me. Failed to see that there was a biochemical reason for my mental health issues. He did all the 'talking' he could do to try and help me. because that was all he was allowed to do.

    I went back to my Dr. and asked him to refer me to psychiatrist. He wouldn't. I had to threaten him that if he did not refer me i would go to an organisation called Mind (uk based) and they would refer me to a psychiatrist due to his incompetence. He immediately changed his mind and said "ok i will refer you then"

    At my first consultation with the psychiatrist i was still on the useless ssri medication and lyrica for nerve pain and nothing else. I had also been self medicating with alcohol for around 12 years. He said "Give up the drink and i will improve your quality of life" It wasn't a gesture. It was a promise. We tried various drug combinations with no success. I had almost given up hope. Every day still being a living hell. Then he tried a new combination. At this point my faith in Doctors and psychiatry as a whole was all but lost.

    But a miracle happened. I started to feel better. Over a few months this feeling became more and more persistent. My brain was finally beginning to stabilize. The Drug combination was venlafaxine and diazepam.

    They both helped with the GAD and constant panic because of the Noradrenaline reuptake inhibition. And the venla acted as a nerve pain suppressant like amitriptyline or Duloxetine would. I finally managed to break the pain/anxiety circle.

    Since then i have been pretty stable and able to engage/ reconnect with family and friends. This man saved my life.

    So. I guess what i'm trying to say is, NEVER give up. There are so many drugs out there that can help you that you probably haven't tried.

    Sometimes it's just about finding the right combination for you. It can take a long time. It took me 13 years. But all those times i think back on when i just wanted it to end. I wanted to turn the lights off, end the pain, for good. I now look back on with a feeling of pride that i never gave up. I just kept going until the right man. With the right attitude and the right drug combination came along.

    There is still hope for you my friend. And i know you are a mod here. And have probably seen more than i might ever see with regards to peoples suffering and mental health issues. Addiction issues. etc... I Just wanted to share my story. And tell you you can come out the other side your old self again.

    Never give up hope friend.
    It's such a revelation to read your story as i feel i am going through what you described myself...the fight or flight...panic and anxiety about being around people...i have 2 kids and only recently have they reached an age where they can walk safely to and from school...but , oh boy, doing the school 'run' avoiding parents...

    always arriving late on purpose so i dont have to make eye contact...make any contact with any other person whatsoever....then i began self medicating (before the UK blanket ban)...i did this for 6 years and all those around me considered me well and functional...i still had social anxieties but i showered daily, my house was spotless and i was always 'making

    things' ....after the ban i thought 'right i can do this'....and i tried....i really did...but i just could not get out of the constant feeling of total exhaustion...i tried self medicating with alchohol in the evenings but began doing really stupid things...impulsive things...like leaving daftness on social media, getting 'engaged' to someone from the US who i'd never physically

    met (he was bonkers too...i'd say perhaps Pschytzophrenic <(Spelt wrong i know)maybe as he thought he had special powers and insisted he 'astral travelled' at night to visit me in my house....and he would accuse me of things because he had 'special senses' that picked up on (imaginary) wrongdoings)....bought kittens when i live in rented accomodation where

    pets are not allowed....i stopped drinking about 3 months ago and do feel alot better for it but i am still in a state where i have not bathed in months neither have i combed my hair, brushed my teeeth, washed...my personal hygeine is zero bar the fact that i do use toilet paper after using the lavatory.....i am SO ashamed of how i am...my Doctor i was beginning

    think had it in for me as she could not treat me in anyway that made any difference....eventually i admitted that i'd self medicated for 6 years and for that time was reasonably healthy and functional, tidy house, clean, pride in my appearance, enthusiastic about the day ahead and single handedly raising 2 young children .....she surprisingly did not insist on

    further decreasing my medication (diazepam and co-codamol plus 1 x dihydrocodeine 30mg per day...it was 2 per day....but she reduced it when i had a bit of a childish tantrum during a consultation where i was desperately trying to get her to help me)......instead she remarked that now she understood that i had lived an unusually traumatic life where i've had

    to deal with a multitude of issues that it had caused me to be somewhat at a loss of identity.....so now diagnosed with 'Borderline Personality Disorder' I await a letter of appt with 'someone'......i do hope they manage to 'fix me' as i'm so sick of feeling like this....i hate the life i live, i hate the way i am, i'm ashamed that my children have to bare witness to the

    person that i am right now....although...bless their hearts.....they seem quite perplexed by the notion that the way i am right now is not who i really am.......i guess the OCD Mum of 3 years ago has become somewhat of a distant memory......i watched this new series on 'Netflix' called 'Maniac'....there's a character in that called 'Annie' played by 'Emma Stone'

    and i SO relate to her behaviour and desperation to get into a drugs trial as she's dependant on one of the drugs they are testing......I'd be the first at the door of an MPA drugs trial...i'd camp on their doorstep....i'd look into witchcraft to cast a spell to make sure i got onto it (not that i know anything about witchcraft other than the ramblings of my err......'ex

    Fiance' i mentionned earlier......sorry i do tend to ramble on beyond a point i'm meant to be making, what i really wanted to say i guess is thank-you for sharing your story, It's always a glimmer of hope when i read that someone else has been the same as i am now.....it's somewhat reassuring knowing that It's not just me
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    Quote Originally Posted by cj View Post
    No I don't ever get manic. I switch from reasonably normal to extremely depressed quite often. I've been considering I could be bipolar 2 which if I understand correctly doesn't really have a manic phase.

    Whatever you want to call it my symptoms are rapid extreme mood shifts. Dysphoria that leads to suicidal ideation. Impulse control issues. Self harm. Multiple low lethality suicide attempts and gestures. Feeling empty. Lack of stable sense of self.

    I seem to click off most of the symptoms of borderline except for the splitting on people aspect. Imo it's some kind of cluster b personality disorder with Co occuring CPTSD, ADHD and Depression.
    .....like you i don't do the 'splitting' the everything is either 'really good' or 'really bad'......and i don't 'idealise' people .....but my mood shifts rapidly but tends to be mainly low......and i certainly do not have days of feeling on top of the world....if only.....
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    My mood has shifted back to baseline I guess. The intense dysphoria subsided yesterday. I've realized my baseline is a really numb feeling. Like it took me 2 days to respond to you guys posts because every time I started typing it just comes out flat feeling and subued. Like the only emotions I can strongly feel are the negative ones. I dunno I just feel stupid.

    I appreciate everyone taking time to respond it means alot.
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    #14
    I have been miserable ever since I lost everything and am considered "poor" now. I've never been close to poor but this state of life is torture. No brands anymore, no labels, no dining out and no nice cars. Money really does make you happy, and only poor people say it doesn't...so I guess I can start saying that as well. :-(
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    The insomnia has become very severe. I will sleep 1-3 hours a night for a few days before getting absolutely exhausted and sleeping 8. When I'm awake I feel overly stimulated like I've taken adderal but I'm sober. I'm starting to get a little scared
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    You might be getting manic - i'd let your psych know and maybe get on a good mood stabilizer or take some AP's that make you sleep.
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    It's such a revelation to read your story as i feel i am going through what you described myself...the fight or flight...panic and anxiety about being around people...i have 2 kids and only recently have they reached an age where they can walk safely to and from school...but , oh boy, doing the school 'run' avoiding parents...

    always arriving late on purpose so i dont have to make eye contact...make any contact with any other person whatsoever....then i began self medicating (before the UK blanket ban)...i did this for 6 years and all those around me considered me well and functional...i still had social anxieties but i showered daily, my house was spotless and i was always 'making


    things' ....after the ban i thought 'right i can do this'....and i tried....i really did...but i just could not get out of the constant feeling of total exhaustion...i tried self medicating with alchohol in the evenings but began doing really stupid things...impulsive things...like leaving daftness on social media, getting 'engaged' to someone from the US who i'd never physically


    met (he was bonkers too...i'd say perhaps Pschytzophrenic <(Spelt wrong i know)maybe as he thought he had special powers and insisted he 'astral travelled' at night to visit me in my house....and he would accuse me of things because he had 'special senses' that picked up on (imaginary) wrongdoings)....bought kittens when i live in rented accomodation where


    pets are not allowed....i stopped drinking about 3 months ago and do feel alot better for it but i am still in a state where i have not bathed in months neither have i combed my hair, brushed my teeeth, washed...my personal hygeine is zero bar the fact that i do use toilet paper after using the lavatory.....i am SO ashamed of how i am...my Doctor i was beginning


    think had it in for me as she could not treat me in anyway that made any difference....eventually i admitted that i'd self medicated for 6 years and for that time was reasonably healthy and functional, tidy house, clean, pride in my appearance, enthusiastic about the day ahead and single handedly raising 2 young children .....she surprisingly did not insist on


    further decreasing my medication (diazepam and co-codamol plus 1 x dihydrocodeine 30mg per day...it was 2 per day....but she reduced it when i had a bit of a childish tantrum during a consultation where i was desperately trying to get her to help me)......instead she remarked that now she understood that i had lived an unusually traumatic life where i've had


    to deal with a multitude of issues that it had caused me to be somewhat at a loss of identity.....so now diagnosed with 'Borderline Personality Disorder' I await a letter of appt with 'someone'......i do hope they manage to 'fix me' as i'm so sick of feeling like this....i hate the life i live, i hate the way i am, i'm ashamed that my children have to bare witness to the


    person that i am right now....although...bless their hearts.....they seem quite perplexed by the notion that the way i am right now is not who i really am.......i guess the OCD Mum of 3 years ago has become somewhat of a distant memory......i watched this new series on 'Netflix' called 'Maniac'....there's a character in that called 'Annie' played by 'Emma Stone'


    and i SO relate to her behaviour and desperation to get into a drugs trial as she's dependant on one of the drugs they are testing......I'd be the first at the door of an MPA drugs trial...i'd camp on their doorstep....i'd look into witchcraft to cast a spell to make sure i got onto it (not that i know anything about witchcraft other than the ramblings of my err......'ex


    Fiance' i mentionned earlier......sorry i do tend to ramble on beyond a point i'm meant to be making, what i really wanted to say i guess is thank-you for sharing your story, It's always a glimmer of hope when i read that someone else has been the same as i am now.....it's somewhat reassuring knowing that It's not just me
    I'm so glad that my experience had given you some hope. And you are definitely not the only one out there that feels like this. It took me a very long time to realise that there are countless other people going through the same constant fear and anxiety i was. Oh BTW my sister recommended me that series Manic on netflix too. Id forgotten about that. She knows what iv been through and said she thought i'd like it. Thanks for reminding me

    The sad part was the way my GP handled my situation. As also seems to be the case for you. A lot of the time, when it comes to peoples mental health. GP's try to handle the situation themselves. Which they are neither properly trained to do nor legally allowed to prescribe appropriate medication for. Instead of being the first port of call, and a means of referral for you to obtain specialised medical treatment they become a barrier to this. Essentially, they become part of the problem.

    I'm sure that once you get to speak to a psychiatrist that things will change for you. If you get a decent one, they will try everything they can to improve your mental health. Psychiatrists understand that many people suffer from biochemical imbalances in the brain. That cause mental health problems. In general i have found they are far more willing to take risks to dig deep and find out which aspects of your brains chemical balance need adjusting in order to stabilize you. The field of psychiatry in general is a difficult one. In my case it was a matter of throwing medications at me until something stuck. Starting with the least harmful or addictive.

    Getting past your GP and Referred to a psychiatrist is the first big step in a very promising road to recovery and stabilization.

    You being more stable will result in your children growing up in a more stable environment. And this will impact how they raise their children. Not just you, but generations of your family can be helped by proper psychiatric treatment.

    I wish you all the best. And thank you for also sharing your story. You can PM me if you would like to chat about anything

    Kindest Regards. Barry
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    #18
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    Today was bad. Really bad. I feel like I'm close to the edge.
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    #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by cj View Post
    Today was bad. Really bad. I feel like I'm close to the edge.
    What happened today buddy? how u feelin? You can talk me through it if you want to.
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    #20
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    I got turned down for the transitional housing program I applied to. Im really trying to change my life but it's not working out
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    #21
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    So sorry to hear this CJ. I know how much you were counting on this "out" to your living situation. Did they give you a reason? If you don't want to post about it, you can always PM me if you care to share. I understand if you don't. From the last time we talked, it sounded like there were other options. Do they still exist?

    I have a sleep app on my phone and I've been sleeping like shit. Generally under 6 hours a night and most of my sleep stages are light sleep and REM sleep so basically I'm getting no rest. I couldn't sleep in if I tried, I don't think (haven't had the opportunity). The only blessing is I had been falling asleep fairly quickly, but since I quit taking the Ambien and switched to trazodone, I've taken the trazodone enough nights in a row where it's starting to stop working and the Remeron stopped doing it's thing long ago, but the psych doc wants me to keep taking it as an antidepressant.

    My dysphoria has been pretty extreme, too. I'm usually chain-smoking all morning because of anxiety and I feel better for a little while after my second Adderall dose of the day, but I usually end up skipping meals because I have no appetite, so the anxiety returns pretty quickly. Then by the time I'm done with work, I take 1-2mg Ativan but I crunch numbers so I can't really take it during the workday even as anxious as I am.
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    #22
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    They gave a few reasons. Said I seemed to need more structure then they could provide. That I needed to already have a job in that area. The guy never said it was because bof Suboxone but he did take a few jabs about Suboxone meaning your not sober so I don't know if that played an unsaid part

    There's a rehab I could go to that will let me stay on sub. They have a transitional housing aspect but it has bad reviews and your not guaranteed a spot just because you complete there rehab. It's a United way type place so I'm not really itching to go honestly
    Last edited by cj; 03-10-2018 at 23:47.
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    #23
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    Was this one out in Colorado?
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    #24
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    No it was in Birmingham. The one in Colorado didn't pan out either.
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    I haven't seen Somni around in awhile, but maybe see if he knows of a place that would be willing to at least consider your circumstances in Daytona Beach. Personally, I find the recovery community over there a bit sketchy, but it's huge, and they really do seem to try and help each other out. I remember him saying he could help you line up a job.
    Last edited by aihfl; 04-10-2018 at 00:23.
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