I have spent the last 13 years of my life living inside my own head. Filled with constant fight or flight, intense fear and panic. Unable to engage with the world around me. Truly alone.
Every day was a battle with pain from fibromyalgia and crohn's disease. My inability to cope with the pain led me to develop severe GAD and panic/social disorder. I spent 80% of my life at this time living in 1 room. i couldn't even muster the strength nor mental stability to look after myself. I am ashamed to say i didn't even wash or eat or talk for months on end. My mother did everything for me. She saw her boy living hell on earth every day, and she lived it with me.
It wasn't until she died that i decided i had to do everything i could to break out of this prison. This vicious cycle of pain and fear.
I went to my doctor and demanded better help with my mental and physical health. i asked him "Why have you never sent me to a pain clinic, why have you never referred me to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I tried to take more control over my mental and physical health.
He initially referred me to a psychologist for cbt. Who i attended for 2 years. He discharged me because he said i was stuck. And he felt stuck with me and didn't know what to do with me any more. He always insisted i never required any drug therapy. The man truly failed me. Failed to see that there was a biochemical reason for my mental health issues. He did all the 'talking' he could do to try and help me. because that was all he was allowed to do.
I went back to my Dr. and asked him to refer me to psychiatrist. He wouldn't. I had to threaten him that if he did not refer me i would go to an organisation called Mind (uk based) and they would refer me to a psychiatrist due to his incompetence. He immediately changed his mind and said "ok i will refer you then"
At my first consultation with the psychiatrist i was still on the useless ssri medication and lyrica for nerve pain and nothing else. I had also been self medicating with alcohol for around 12 years. He said "Give up the drink and i will improve your quality of life" It wasn't a gesture. It was a promise. We tried various drug combinations with no success. I had almost given up hope. Every day still being a living hell. Then he tried a new combination. At this point my faith in Doctors and psychiatry as a whole was all but lost.
But a miracle happened. I started to feel better. Over a few months this feeling became more and more persistent. My brain was finally beginning to stabilize. The Drug combination was venlafaxine and diazepam.
They both helped with the GAD and constant panic because of the Noradrenaline reuptake inhibition. And the venla acted as a nerve pain suppressant like amitriptyline or Duloxetine would. I finally managed to break the pain/anxiety circle.
Since then i have been pretty stable and able to engage/ reconnect with family and friends. This man saved my life.
So. I guess what i'm trying to say is, NEVER give up. There are so many drugs out there that can help you that you probably haven't tried.
Sometimes it's just about finding the right combination for you. It can take a long time. It took me 13 years. But all those times i think back on when i just wanted it to end. I wanted to turn the lights off, end the pain, for good. I now look back on with a feeling of pride that i never gave up. I just kept going until the right man. With the right attitude and the right drug combination came along.
There is still hope for you my friend. And i know you are a mod here. And have probably seen more than i might ever see with regards to peoples suffering and mental health issues. Addiction issues. etc... I Just wanted to share my story. And tell you you can come out the other side your old self again.
Never give up hope friend.
It's such a revelation to read your story as i feel i am going through what you described myself...the fight or flight...panic and anxiety about being around people...i have 2 kids and only recently have they reached an age where they can walk safely to and from school...but , oh boy, doing the school 'run' avoiding parents...
always arriving late on purpose so i dont have to make eye contact...make any contact with any other person whatsoever....then i began self medicating (before the UK blanket ban)...i did this for 6 years and all those around me considered me well and functional...i still had social anxieties but i showered daily, my house was spotless and i was always 'making
things' ....after the ban i thought 'right i can do this'....and i tried....i really did...but i just could not get out of the constant feeling of total exhaustion...i tried self medicating with alchohol in the evenings but began doing really stupid things...impulsive things...like leaving daftness on social media, getting 'engaged' to someone from the US who i'd never physically
met (he was bonkers too...i'd say perhaps Pschytzophrenic <(Spelt wrong i know)maybe as he thought he had special powers and insisted he 'astral travelled' at night to visit me in my house....and he would accuse me of things because he had 'special senses' that picked up on (imaginary) wrongdoings)....bought kittens when i live in rented accomodation where
pets are not allowed....i stopped drinking about 3 months ago and do feel alot better for it but i am still in a state where i have not bathed in months neither have i combed my hair, brushed my teeeth, washed...my personal hygeine is zero bar the fact that i do use toilet paper after using the lavatory.....i am SO ashamed of how i am...my Doctor i was beginning
think had it in for me as she could not treat me in anyway that made any difference....eventually i admitted that i'd self medicated for 6 years and for that time was reasonably healthy and functional, tidy house, clean, pride in my appearance, enthusiastic about the day ahead and single handedly raising 2 young children .....she surprisingly did not insist on
further decreasing my medication (diazepam and co-codamol plus 1 x dihydrocodeine 30mg per day...it was 2 per day....but she reduced it when i had a bit of a childish tantrum during a consultation where i was desperately trying to get her to help me)......instead she remarked that now she understood that i had lived an unusually traumatic life where i've had
to deal with a multitude of issues that it had caused me to be somewhat at a loss of identity.....so now diagnosed with 'Borderline Personality Disorder' I await a letter of appt with 'someone'......i do hope they manage to 'fix me' as i'm so sick of feeling like this....i hate the life i live, i hate the way i am, i'm ashamed that my children have to bare witness to the
person that i am right now....although...bless their hearts.....they seem quite perplexed by the notion that the way i am right now is not who i really am.......i guess the OCD Mum of 3 years ago has become somewhat of a distant memory......i watched this new series on 'Netflix' called 'Maniac'....there's a character in that called 'Annie' played by 'Emma Stone'
and i SO relate to her behaviour and desperation to get into a drugs trial as she's dependant on one of the drugs they are testing......I'd be the first at the door of an MPA drugs trial...i'd camp on their doorstep....i'd look into witchcraft to cast a spell to make sure i got onto it (not that i know anything about witchcraft other than the ramblings of my err......'ex
Fiance' i mentionned earlier......sorry i do tend to ramble on beyond a point i'm meant to be making, what i really wanted to say i guess is thank-you for sharing your story, It's always a glimmer of hope when i read that someone else has been the same as i am now.....it's somewhat reassuring knowing that It's not just me
Because the metal rim and metal striker get red hot and leave a smily face brand on your arm, thigh wherever. 
