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    hard time with craving ,guys, help 
    #1
    OK, so I got depression, anxiety, OCD since a kid and family problems. Almost 1.5 years ago, I made a bad decision, I started to take opiates to stop the pain from my life.
    So yeah, I started with oxycodone, then I tried morphine, vicodin, then codeine, tramadol, pentazocine, even fentanyl, opana. Never heroin. Never injected any of these drugs.
    My principal drug was oxy. but I enjoyed the morphine much more. But I love all opiates,l even 120mg codeine make me feel euphoric, but I have a big tolerance,so...
    Anyway, I wouldn't lie, at first, opiates helped me, relived the depression,the anxiety, the stress, I really loved em. But then, you know, the dark side of them, man. The cravings, the boredom when you aren't high, when you wake up in the morning and first thing you do is searching for your pills, the hellish and painful withdrawals who makes you almost suicidal, the emptiness you feel...I was an addict for 6-7 months. The last 2 months I didn't even get doped, I did it only to not feel sick.
    I needed to move another country, I didn't knew nobody here ...And got cold turkey from 240 mg oxy...I had the luck to find benzos.. Anxiety and depression got worse.
    Now I'm almost sober for 9 months. What almost means? I still popped some tramadol and codeine, max 2-3 times. After a few months after I stopped doing opiates, my father passed out, but I had the power to endure the pain and didn't take any pill.
    I started smoking weed, but I stopped. Why? Yeah, everyone enjoys weed, I still smoke at parties or with my homies, but I can't smoke daily, it's making me anxious, paranoid and I start feel dissociated from everything, and sometimes weed makes me very sad. But I still smoke it, low quantity, only at parties and with friends, or rarely when I wanna feel relaxed and sleep well, but I can't use weed to improve my daily life
    I don't like alcohol, it makes me feel like shit and I can't even get very drunk, when I drink with my friends, often I'm that guy who is not feeling that fun from alcohol and it's still sober.
    Benzos...I never popped more than 3 mg (xanax) , but now I keep it 0.5, and not daily. Yeah, it removes my anxiety, but at the same time it makes me so uninterested in anything, and I don't like it. It dosen't make me happy, it only makes me to care less.
    I tried dxm 15-20 times I think, but I stopped bcuz I can't get no more. This is a definetly "yes" for me, it gives me the euphoria and creaivity from opiates (not comparable, really, but...), and it makes me feel dissociated, but I still act sober.
    Now, I barley pop a xan 0.5 xanny 3-4 times a week.



    The problem is I don't like the "sober life". And sometimes my life is crap. And I can't deal with it anymore. It feels like I'm kind of vampire (lol) and opiates represent the blood. I'm weak, sad, angry without them and sometimes I get intense cravings, where I feel even 100 mg codeine+0.5 xanny=heaven. But I know, If I start to do opiates again, I can't stop.And I'm young, I don't want to spend my life in rehabs, or jails, or to one of these homeless dopeheads who cut or suck other people to stop the withdrawal, or even overdose and die.
    I wanna live my life, I wanna get a job, a car, I wanna mary a beautiful girl, have kids, get some dogs, things that normal people wanna do it. Sometimes, I tell myself "man, u don't need to be doped. You will destroy yourself, you will regret that, you will end up on the streets, or in jail, and eventually you will die". But sometimes, another "me" says "Man, you will not be happy without dope. Never. Your life is going down,and the opiates are your healing. Only be careful how much and how often you will do it".
    I need a little help and guidance, thank you very much.
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    #2
    Bluelighter
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    The list of reasons people start doing drugs is endless, from legitimate medical reasons, to traumatic life events, to just having fun and everything in between. Usually there are a gamut of factors that led someone down the path, but these aren't as important as the factors that are currently keeping you from moving forward with your life.

    Recovery from substance addiction is about much more than just abstaining and staying sober. Without addressing some of the damage caused, you may never fully move forward. The things you mention that you want in your life is going to be largely what keeps you motivated to stay sober. Drugs often serve as the replacement for the important things in life, like a solid group of friends, a job you're happy with, and so on. It's all those things that make life interesting and worth living and it can be easy to lose focus and motivation when those things aren't present in your life. It also becomes extremely discouraging the longer those things aren't in your life.

    This is why it is important to take things one day at a time. If you are constantly comparing your life to where you want to be and to others' who are already where you are.. it's going to be a very frustrating and discouraging journey. Social media and even some regular media(tv, Netflix, hulu, etc) makes this hard not to do. Things like journaling can really help to stay focused on your goals and track your progress. Write down your goals and develop a plan to get there. Every night write a plan for the next day and a review of the day. What did you do to get closer to your goals today? What can you do better tomorrow? This can be simple things, like for me one of my goals is getting better at guitar. A way to do that is practice, and if I practiced only 15 minutes today that is still progress but a way I could do better is maybe spending 20-30 minutes tomorrow. Or your goal can be to get in shape, pushing yourself a little bit more each day. Make a plan how you are going to get a job, a car and a dog.

    And as far as trying to regulate and control your dose... the quicker you get rid of the idea that it is even possible to do so, the better off you will be. There is a honeymoon period before things spiral out of control that is extremely deceptive. It's easy to think "if only it stayed like that", but with things like tolerance and physical dependence it never really dose. Even if you are able to maintain the dose you will build tolerance and adjust so the effect is diminished.

    There might be an element of truth to your thoughts of "you will never be happy without dope". You probably won't, so long as nothing changes. And cravings might be a sign of your life going downhill. The lie is that opioids are the only solution, or even a solution at all. For me, I've began to notice a shift in my focus from "I need drugs to live" to "drugs are inhibiting my life". This happens when I start to see all the ways in which drugs were holding me back. They might make me momentarily feel more motivated to practice guitar, but that feeling doesn't come without consequence and ultimately I am more focused and productive when I am sober.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by MrMorpheus View Post
    OK, so I got depression, anxiety, OCD since a kid and family problems. Almost 1.5 years ago, I made a bad decision, I started to take opiates to stop the pain from my life.
    So yeah, I started with oxycodone, then I tried morphine, vicodin, then codeine, tramadol, pentazocine, even fentanyl, opana. Never heroin. Never injected any of these drugs.
    My principal drug was oxy. but I enjoyed the morphine much more. But I love all opiates,l even 120mg codeine make me feel euphoric, but I have a big tolerance,so...
    Anyway, I wouldn't lie, at first, opiates helped me, relived the depression,the anxiety, the stress, I really loved em. But then, you know, the dark side of them, man. The cravings, the boredom when you aren't high, when you wake up in the morning and first thing you do is searching for your pills, the hellish and painful withdrawals who makes you almost suicidal, the emptiness you feel...I was an addict for 6-7 months. The last 2 months I didn't even get doped, I did it only to not feel sick.
    I needed to move another country, I didn't knew nobody here ...And got cold turkey from 240 mg oxy...I had the luck to find benzos.. Anxiety and depression got worse.
    Now I'm almost sober for 9 months. What almost means? I still popped some tramadol and codeine, max 2-3 times. After a few months after I stopped doing opiates, my father passed out, but I had the power to endure the pain and didn't take any pill.
    I started smoking weed, but I stopped. Why? Yeah, everyone enjoys weed, I still smoke at parties or with my homies, but I can't smoke daily, it's making me anxious, paranoid and I start feel dissociated from everything, and sometimes weed makes me very sad. But I still smoke it, low quantity, only at parties and with friends, or rarely when I wanna feel relaxed and sleep well, but I can't use weed to improve my daily life
    I don't like alcohol, it makes me feel like shit and I can't even get very drunk, when I drink with my friends, often I'm that guy who is not feeling that fun from alcohol and it's still sober.
    Benzos...I never popped more than 3 mg (xanax) , but now I keep it 0.5, and not daily. Yeah, it removes my anxiety, but at the same time it makes me so uninterested in anything, and I don't like it. It dosen't make me happy, it only makes me to care less.
    I tried dxm 15-20 times I think, but I stopped bcuz I can't get no more. This is a definetly "yes" for me, it gives me the euphoria and creaivity from opiates (not comparable, really, but...), and it makes me feel dissociated, but I still act sober.
    Now, I barley pop a xan 0.5 xanny 3-4 times a week.



    The problem is I don't like the "sober life". And sometimes my life is crap. And I can't deal with it anymore. It feels like I'm kind of vampire (lol) and opiates represent the blood. I'm weak, sad, angry without them and sometimes I get intense cravings, where I feel even 100 mg codeine+0.5 xanny=heaven. But I know, If I start to do opiates again, I can't stop.And I'm young, I don't want to spend my life in rehabs, or jails, or to one of these homeless dopeheads who cut or suck other people to stop the withdrawal, or even overdose and die.
    I wanna live my life, I wanna get a job, a car, I wanna mary a beautiful girl, have kids, get some dogs, things that normal people wanna do it. Sometimes, I tell myself "man, u don't need to be doped. You will destroy yourself, you will regret that, you will end up on the streets, or in jail, and eventually you will die". But sometimes, another "me" says "Man, you will not be happy without dope. Never. Your life is going down,and the opiates are your healing. Only be careful how much and how often you will do it".
    I need a little help and guidance, thank you very much.

    Leave the drugs dude. Take my advice. I've been to 10+ rehabs since I left school and I'm 30 now and I am sitting with fuck-all. I've got nothing.
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    #4
    Senior Moderator
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    herbavore's Avatar
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    Nobody teaches you how to change your life. Dysfunctional families, shitty schools and a society built entirely on buying, buying, buying all work together to create misery and then call it life. But the truth is, you have air in your lungs and blood running through your veins so all is not lost. You want a simple life but to be hapy with that simple life you have to be happy with yourself. That's the task in front of you. You could get off all drugs and still not be clear in the head and the heart. Everyone has to figure out how to get there themselves because we've all swallowed different parts of lie from the culture that teaches us to undermine and belittle ourselves, to be in a constant state of unhappiness and angst. But the truth is, we keep agreeing to live with all that BS in our heads. It takes work to unlearn--more work than it takes to learn if you ask me. Society really doesn't value any of us, we have to value ourselves.

    You can create that life you want but you have to clear your head. It helps to have support for that. I hope you can stick around and use this thread you started to keep exploring, keep taking steps to reclaim your life.
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    #5
    Greenlighter
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    Well first off, the honeybadger that lives in my garbage can wants to give you mad props for quitting! 9 months, wow! And the way you realize that this was an issue, have identified what your goals are and understood drugs aren?t going to help you get to where you want to go is an amazing perspective to have - she wishes she had been that thoughtful when she was younger and started popping pills.

    The way honeybadger sees it, she?s an addict (hate the term but let?s be honest). She, maybe like you has a very addictive personality, and that addiction needs to be fed. So, instead of doing drugs, she?s trying to refocus that addiction on something healthy. She?s an athlete and loves to workout, so when those cravings come she tries to hit the gym or find a pickup game.

    The point is there are a lot of other things to enjoy in life that don?t include drugs that maybe you haven?t discovered yet. Do you like to paint? Maybe start going to see more live music, go dancing. Idle hands are dangerous when you?re quitting drugs, and boredom can lead to the thoughts you?re having now. So maybe pickup some new hobbies to fill your time, go back to school, get a professional certification that can further your career - do anything that?ll keep you busy and makes you enjoy your days when you?re not high.

    You?re doing great, don?t be so hard on yourself you can have those things and be happy without the drugs, but nothing will change if you don?t do anything to fix it. Stay busy. You can do this!

    Gotta go, honeybadger is trying to climb into the Brazilian neighbors window to attack them for voting for Bolsonaro. Since she got sober she?s paying a lot more attention to what?s going on in politics around the world and doesn?t want to see her favorite vacation spot go down the toilet even more than it already has.

    - Honeybadger don?t care
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    #6
    Hey can you send me a private message? I'd like to speak to you about some stuff
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    #7
    Bluelighter dopiejay's Avatar
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    Yeah the way it is with opioids and opiates, once u get a taste it's never enough afterwards. Everything is so beautiful when you're high. The trees, the way the wind blows over your face, even something as simple as enjoying a cigarette on the deck feel like pure heaven.

    But that isn't reality. I like the vampire analogy to refer to addiction a lot because that's certainly how U start to feel. The best and only way to stay clean off opioids is to stop. No doses in between whatsoever because as soon as it wears off the devil will come out in you again.

    There's not an opioid on this planet I haven't tried, and there's not one I don't regret taking. Think of how badly it will ruin your life if you keep at it. There's no such thing as taking small doses to keep sickness at bay. There's no such thing as 'every now and again' because once you've been there, in that opiated, blissful place, you can never really leave without leaving a part of you behind.

    Currently struggling with oxycodone addiction myself, and if I'm a vampire and that's blood, I'm always thirsty. Once you've gotten yourself to the point where you're getting dopesick without it then it's time to stop while you're still somewhat ahead of the problem.

    Trust me when I say, there are two levels of opioid use once you become addicted: straight abstinence, or straight abuse.

    Currently sitting on my couch, getting sick with a migraine, can't do anything, waiting for my guy to drop off a few pills just to make me feel ok for a little while. It's no way to live my friend.

    When you look back after being off it for one year, you'll say damn I can't believe it was ever so hard. The little devil on your shoulder may still be nagging at you, trying to get you high, but tell him to fuck off whenever he shows up no matter how persistent he gets.

    Edit: forgot to add my little rule of thumb, when you start getting sick in the absence of opioids as opposed to the other way around, it's time to take a break. Good look my friend, it's a long and hard road.
    Last edited by dopiejay; 08-10-2018 at 23:29.
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