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    Bingers Support Thread 
    #1
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    Hi all,

    I am not sure if i am an addict or not. My therapist says i am, but i dabble in basically whatever is in front of me. The problem is, i have a poor financial situation, which causes me to binge bi-weekly.

    I think a lot of people get the misconception that all addicts are everyday users, where in reality i think a lot of addicts are just waiting for their next paychecks to put it all up their nose in one night, like me.

    I want this thread to be a safe heaven for people like me to discuss our issues out loud.

    I'll start:

    I've recently been introduced to meth, and i am spending all my money on it. Even money i need for food, i now get free lunches at one of the homeless shelters around the city. I have absolutely no money saved. I am looking to stop this vicious cycle, but i feel i have nothing in life to hold on to except for drugs. No significant other, no friends, and not even much self love. I don't really take care of myself, and it shows. Hopefully i will be able to break this cycle, but i really see it as my only way of life, for now.
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    #2
    Greenlighter
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    Yeah man. We're pretty much alike. I spend way too much money on one binge and then I'm fucked until then next pay. That sucks but on the other hand that mean that we're not deep enough to put ourself in really long term trouble just for the binge to go on.

    I have no self control but I don't loose touch with mySELF. If you know what I mean... It seems that I have pretty much accepted the fact that I'll always feel shitty so it doesn't bother me to spend all my money on drugs (mainly cocaine cause no plug for opiates). I feel bad to not earn greater money much more that I feel bad for spending all my shitty amount in two nights.

    I mean... I feel freaking bad since I'm twelve years old. I earned the right to escape elswhere from then to then. Each binge is like a short prison escape. Fuck!

    Therapy for me is more to me like the process to accept my life sentence. I won't accept it!! Its just sad that only rich people can affford a lifetime of escape. And that's sooo hard to swallow.

    I turned to the needle just because it enable me have the most of the little drug I can purchase. That's... yup. Sad.

    My biggest wealth is my girlfriend. But its also a big burden. I've dragged her in my mud. She's not an addict or a binger or a recreational user but my self-neglection affects her big time. I tried to break up many times for her sake but she won't go. That's a huge burden.

    Although that proves that she knows that I'll never let my using go totally overhand. I think that she defenitly understand the difference between an addict and a binger. I want to simply survive the best I can.

    Other than her there's no one. Only a shitty muddy job. I wish I had at least someone to relate to or to use with but I absolutlety cannot relate with the "average" addicts. I offer people drugs sometimes but I'm always too INTENSE for them and they are always too FAKE for me.

    I understand that people like us are usually the object of rejection and hatred and that's so true. I always get hated in jobs, and school before that. But fuck even with other users I always stand out. Fuck! Even in NA meetings! They thought I was faking the whole thing. Its crazy!!! You go there to relate and be accepted.

    Anyway, I really hope other people will join in on this thread. Maybe we're more alike than we think.
    *Edited mistypes*
    Last edited by Blopflop; 30-09-2018 at 22:07.
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    #3
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    You seem to have a lot of good structure in your life - a girl, a job, etc.

    It's insane how high functioning we can look , while in the inside we are just waiting for our next pay check to absolutely blow it.

    And it takes a toll on you mentally. Ruminating on it. Even dreaming about it.

    I can't wait to get my hands on meth or adderall and i'd do almost anything for it. I even signed up for a gay website that is centered around "partying" with meth, even though i'm straight. I'd do almost anything for meth.
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    #4
    Greenlighter
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    In fact I discovered something today. There's self discipline and there is self-control. I will contradict myself and say that I have one hell of a good capacity to control myself. What I don't have is self discipline. Idgaf about my life so I won't really do better than break my back (litterally) every fuckin working day. On the other hand, give me the most hellish drug and you will be disppointed to see me withstand the song of the sirens without being eaten.

    On the other hand, there's people with a great deal of self discipline ( let's say "driven" people) that will get compleeetly crushed by drugs in no time after indulging. Personality-wise, socially or financially. Not nessecerally the typical "I lost everything to drugs" kind of guy, but let's be honest, most of the time it's the guy...

    I abhoooor those people because, having dealt with them, I realised that I haaaate (deeply) people with no self control. Although, I admit that it's the best people to save from the lifestyle because when they're sober they become really productive, really fast. *There's a spectrum to addiction, I'm talking about the two extremes here*

    Me. High or sober, idag. I will never be a good contributer! to society (and my wallet).

    -----
    But, no, friend, I don't have structure. Don't jelly me because I have a job. I was jobless for two years before that and decided to take this shitty job just for drug-tokens. I would never have taken it if I wasn't nearly homeless. I think you have the wrong idea about my life but wgaf.

    I cocaine IVed (yeyeyey) yesterday and fuck. lol I did 1g in 4 shots. There goes a hund' in 45 min (prop prop)!! Fuck it I'm thinking about starting a meth habit myself aha

    Btw there's other simpler and better ways to have money than what you're thinking. But if you can't comeup with anything good luck! Once you get there take your hit and CIAO BYE AMIGOS.
    Peaaaace
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    #5
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    Didn't mean to jelly you - i'm sure it's tough for you as well.
    I just wish i had those things (job, relationship) in my life, too.

    I also think i over-dramatized my liking to meth. It's simply my drug of choice, and i'm constantly using drugs. So when i have money, it goes to meth. Sure, i signed up for that website like i said, but i've always been sort of bi-curious anyway.

    In regards to self discipline and self control, i'm not sure where i stand.
    In fact, i don't really know the difference.
    But what i do know, is i need to be in control. My therapist always comments, saying i need/love control, but let drugs control me. And she asks why, to which i reply "I am in control." Which is obviously a lie. But i've gone days and says without my DOC. I could pull a hustle, but i don't.

    Not necessarily addicted, just have an addictive personality. Everything is short lived, though.
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    #6
    It can be a difficult cycle to break. For a long time I was blowing my month's money in one or two days then completely broke for the rest of the month. Oddly enough what helped me keep money in my pocket was when I moved back in with my mother and she started charging me rent. I had a commitment that I had to keep. While living on the street I didn't have any real reason to keep my money because I didn't have a single bill or commitment. Now I look back at those days when I thought I had hardly any money but didn't have to pay rent I was practically rich compared to how much extra money I have now.
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    #7
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    That was kind of your mother to let you in. And teaching responsibility can't hurt.

    Man, i'm having a really rough day. First of all, i ran out of my mood stabilizer and not sure when i'll be getting it back. But that's not the worst of it. I have been sitting on 2 grams of meth for four days now, and it's absolutely killing me. I can't use yet because i have a drug test in two days. Every single day i've been manically chopping up the crystals for hours on end, taking pictures of it, smelling the bag, rubbing it on my face, hiding it in different hiding spots only to take it out again and look at it, dreaming about using, taking caffeine pills to try to mimic the effect then having uncontrollable rage at the fact that it doesn't compare, and more or less obsessing about it. Every night i can't sleep because i'm considering using despite my upcoming drug test. I know it makes me sound like a wimp, but i actually feel suicidal because the pain of holding onto this bag is so great.

    I am on the verge of losing my sanity, and i don't know who to tell, or what to do.
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    #8
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    Not doing so hot.

    Not sure if it's a bipolar mood swing, drug related, or one of the other things in my life that is currently uncertain. I think mostly drug related. I just sold my $200 vaporizer for a bag of meth that i still have yet to see. And i may not be able to get the 8 ball on thursday. I feel very bad right now. There's some other things going on that i won't mention, but man. IDK what to do. I don't know what to feel.

    All i know is it's bad.
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