Hilopsilo
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2016
- Messages
- 606
I notice a lot of people coming to this forum and listing derealization as a symptom of the issues they are having, I wasn't entirely sure what this term meant, but I sort of inferred and now looking it up I was right, and I feel I've always sort of had this feeling since the first time I took psychedelics maybe ~9 years ago. The experience introduced me to the possibility that none of this is real, simply a project of my mind/energy in some other state, a simulation, or what have you. This "possibility" has been compounded by many more experiences, some positive some negative (or, difficult I guess I should say).
Overall, aside from times I've scared myself, I feel its almost made me stronger mentally. Obviously, if these "delusions" were coupled with other symptoms like depression or anxiety, it would probably be a disaster. But it's almost like I've become comfortable with the possibility that none of this is real, that it's fine, and even if none of it matters, what I am feeling makes me feel good/happy and thats well good enough. Maybe there is no purpose to any of this, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
I actually had an experience this past summer (took a high dose of LSD and very good MDMA) and I actually became scared at one point because it felt too good to be real, I pretty much freaked out for a couple minutes as I thought what I was experiencing was heaven and I had died somewhere along the way to that point. This passed after removed myself from the quite intense situation I was in and grounded myself a bit, but the feeling caught me off guard.
There was also one derealization experience that really scared me in a negative way, I had a quite intense experience adding 3 balloons of nitrous to that same candy flip while cuddling with my S/O; the trip became so powerful that reality faded away completely, and the true reality was that her and I were always one singular being, representing male and female characteristics or something heady I guess, and that I would never see her face again since I had broken back into the true reality in which we are the same. This was beautiful at first, and then scared the absolute shit out of me as I tried stand up during the experience and all of her movements perfectly mirrored mine (in some weird kaleidoscope swirl that was unraveling from this single point which was our hands); I was stuck in this dystopian mirrored reality in which she was only ever a figment of my imagination. Once it was over I was quite shaken (her two since she has never ever seen me become afraid during, this passed, but it was incredibly real and made me put down the cracker and go the fuck to bed for the night. I've gotten past being scared of letting myself go and surrendering myself to these experiences, but what I haven't gotten comfortable with is not being afraid of facing the idea that I might lose her or that she might not be real, the most important thing in my life. Sort of like the experience was telling me, you've what you've always been looking for, why are you trying to blast yourself so far out from this reality you've come to love so much? Certainly made me question what I was doing and why.
Both sort of come back to this idea, that its all too good to be true. And after the experiences, I'm left with a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation for what I do have in life. It crosses my mind once a day at least, that all this might just be a dream, but like I said thats not really bad if its a good dream right?
Overall, aside from times I've scared myself, I feel its almost made me stronger mentally. Obviously, if these "delusions" were coupled with other symptoms like depression or anxiety, it would probably be a disaster. But it's almost like I've become comfortable with the possibility that none of this is real, that it's fine, and even if none of it matters, what I am feeling makes me feel good/happy and thats well good enough. Maybe there is no purpose to any of this, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
I actually had an experience this past summer (took a high dose of LSD and very good MDMA) and I actually became scared at one point because it felt too good to be real, I pretty much freaked out for a couple minutes as I thought what I was experiencing was heaven and I had died somewhere along the way to that point. This passed after removed myself from the quite intense situation I was in and grounded myself a bit, but the feeling caught me off guard.
There was also one derealization experience that really scared me in a negative way, I had a quite intense experience adding 3 balloons of nitrous to that same candy flip while cuddling with my S/O; the trip became so powerful that reality faded away completely, and the true reality was that her and I were always one singular being, representing male and female characteristics or something heady I guess, and that I would never see her face again since I had broken back into the true reality in which we are the same. This was beautiful at first, and then scared the absolute shit out of me as I tried stand up during the experience and all of her movements perfectly mirrored mine (in some weird kaleidoscope swirl that was unraveling from this single point which was our hands); I was stuck in this dystopian mirrored reality in which she was only ever a figment of my imagination. Once it was over I was quite shaken (her two since she has never ever seen me become afraid during, this passed, but it was incredibly real and made me put down the cracker and go the fuck to bed for the night. I've gotten past being scared of letting myself go and surrendering myself to these experiences, but what I haven't gotten comfortable with is not being afraid of facing the idea that I might lose her or that she might not be real, the most important thing in my life. Sort of like the experience was telling me, you've what you've always been looking for, why are you trying to blast yourself so far out from this reality you've come to love so much? Certainly made me question what I was doing and why.
Both sort of come back to this idea, that its all too good to be true. And after the experiences, I'm left with a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation for what I do have in life. It crosses my mind once a day at least, that all this might just be a dream, but like I said thats not really bad if its a good dream right?