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Thread: I relapsed after 107 days

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    I relapsed after 107 days 
    #1
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    Well tonight there was some awkward heat and frustration which made me relapse.

    I still find it hard to believe that it even happened.

    I did not feel in control today, maybe due to a lack of sleep or something else that was building up inside of me. Whatever the case I relapsed.

    I bought:

    2 x grams of coke = $500
    10 x 4.0 apple ciders = $24.90
    25 x jps silvers = $35 @ at the servo

    The experience was dead flat primarily due to losing my phone on either the bus or at the petrol station.

    I just ended up drinking at the beach and snorting a few lines at the bathroom there.

    The feeling itself felt dead flat. I just kept on telling myself this is what you used to do.

    Eh it sucks that I lost my phone. I tried calling it a few times with no luck.

    Any how I know now why I can't be doing this. First of all it is not:

    - Fun
    - viable due to the cost
    - relative to me being 33 years old and the lifestyle which I live. I genuinely accept that I have overstayed my welcome with using anything.
    - what it used to be.

    I am not kicking myself though for using. In the past I would of done this. I just knew that it was going to happen any how and is part of the process.

    Any how whatever was left over I threw in the bin. Just wish I could get my phone back.
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    #2
    Noonoo

    It happened. It happens.

    The great part is your attitude. You realize that it doesn't mean you have to continue. And you really don't.

    <<<Huge Hug>>>. Dust yourself off and get back on the horse.

    ♥️🌞🌝
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    #3
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    My hopes are blighted, my heart is broken, my life a burden, everything around me is sad and mournful; earth has become distasteful to me, and human voices distract me. It is mercy to let me die, for if I live I shall lose my reason and become mad.
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    I’m glad you’re ok. Stay safe. We all slip up some time.
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    #4
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    Don't get down on yourself. But do try to identify the triggers you experienced leading up to the relapse
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
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    #5
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    I wouldn't call that a relapse , just an adventure down the recovery road. The coke price alone should be enough to discourage reuse . Don't put yourself in a guilt trip over this. Btw , contact your cell phone provider and see if they can track your phone .
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    #6
    Bluelighter FlawedByDesign's Avatar
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    At least now you know it’s not worth it. I’ve been creeping on your signature with your number of days sober lol. Nice idea, very encouraging for other people in the same boat. You got this!!
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    #7
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    Having used on Saturday just made me realise how much using is just bullshit but at the same time made me realise how quickly it can all fall apart.

    I also admit the coke probably fucked me over which probably made me sell the car and steal from my parents and go gambling etc a few months back, plus in combination with other things going on in my life. Specifically the realities of accepting that my bipolar issue isn't going to go away but rather that I should be managing it instead. To say I haven't been managing it would be a lie but my approach has been wrong. I've been doing whatever is necessary to try and find ways to get rid of this problem that lives within me rather than going, ok it is a part of you let's work out a way to manage you so that you can live a some what normal life.

    Well I did 107 days sober, now it's time to beat the score
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    #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by noonoo View Post
    Having used on Saturday just made me realise how much using is just bullshit but at the same time made me realise how quickly it can all fall apart.

    I also admit the coke probably fucked me over which probably made me sell the car and steal from my parents and go gambling etc a few months back, plus in combination with other things going on in my life. Specifically the realities of accepting that my bipolar issue isn't going to go away but rather that I should be managing it instead. To say I haven't been managing it would be a lie but my approach has been wrong. I've been doing whatever is necessary to try and find ways to get rid of this problem that lives within me rather than going, ok it is a part of you let's work out a way to manage you so that you can live a some what normal life.

    Well I did 107 days sober, now it's time to beat the score
    It's shocking how quickly old habits and ways come back. Selling drugs was such a big part of my life that I've made a point to stop listening to rap music and other seemingly minor things that have big implications for me. The last time I used Xanax I almost immediately found myself in a manic state and reverting to old ways. It's one of the times that gave me a first hand understanding that relapse is much more than just the physical act of using a drug. It usually starts way before the actual physical relapse. For me, it starts with little things like letting myself stay up late and sleeping in. It's little things, like eating regularly and journaling, that help keep us in control.

    Stay positive man, that's a good goal.
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    #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mafioso View Post
    It's shocking how quickly old habits and ways come back. Selling drugs was such a big part of my life that I've made a point to stop listening to rap music and other seemingly minor things that have big implications for me. The last time I used Xanax I almost immediately found myself in a manic state and reverting to old ways. It's one of the times that gave me a first hand understanding that relapse is much more than just the physical act of using a drug. It usually starts way before the actual physical relapse. For me, it starts with little things like letting myself stay up late and sleeping in. It's little things, like eating regularly and journaling, that help keep us in control.

    Stay positive man, that's a good goal.
    You are right and I can relate to the music thing you mentioned.

    I have been listening to harder styles of music since I was 9 or so and I am now 33 turning 34. It has been a big part of me and listening to happy hardcore, hardcore, hard trance etc as a form of an escape unfortunately this now leads to flashbacks of using etc..Might stop listening to it for a while or just see what happens? I usually go through a phase of actively listening to music for a month or 2 and then taking a break for 3 months.

    Let the process continue.....
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    #10
    Bluelighter ladyhlove's Avatar
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    Well, you had mentioned a little while ago that you were thinking about relapsing to remember how shitty using drugs and alcohol is...do you think that you accomplished this? Sounds like it.
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    #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by ladyhlove View Post
    Well, you had mentioned a little while ago that you were thinking about relapsing to remember how shitty using drugs and alcohol is...do you think that you accomplished this? Sounds like it.
    I believe I have, since using on the weekend I have barely thought about it.

    I just really want to bury it.

    I was even thinking to myself yesterday and today how I am going to this engagement party that my old drinking buddy is having and I won't be drinking. I just keep on going in my headspace "fuck if I'll be drinking or doing anything". Having been sober now for this long minus this relapse on the weekend am starting to be able to handle not using anything but just enjoying food instead. The headache that comes with getting wasted is just not worth it for me as I am getting older. Any how I have said this stuff all before so I will let my days of sobriety do the talking instead.
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    #12
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    I was always told that relapse isn't an if, it's a when. That seems to frame people in a good mind-state.

    But, regardless, congratulations on having so much time clean. Now you got a number to best!
    Last edited by Ho-Chi-Minh; 20-09-2018 at 05:44. Reason: adding other bit
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    #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by noonoo View Post
    You are right and I can relate to the music thing you mentioned.

    I have been listening to harder styles of music since I was 9 or so and I am now 33 turning 34. It has been a big part of me and listening to happy hardcore, hardcore, hard trance etc as a form of an escape unfortunately this now leads to flashbacks of using etc..Might stop listening to it for a while or just see what happens? I usually go through a phase of actively listening to music for a month or 2 and then taking a break for 3 months.

    Let the process continue.....
    I wasn't allowed a phone or any electronics for the first few weeks in rehab and that was after a month in jail. I love music but the quiet did seem to bring with it some clarity. Like it was easier to see what my authentic emotions and feelings were without all the outside influence.
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