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Thread: I haven't been in a proper relationship for 9 years. How do I get into one?

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    I haven't been in a proper relationship for 9 years. How do I get into one? 
    #1
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    noonoo's Avatar
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    Due to being on SSRI's a long time now and having other uneventful issues in my life which I didn't want to put on someone else I have been single now for too long.

    I think I have let my low libido from the SSRI's and other excuses from my anxiety issues get in the way of pursuing something long term. It's not that I don't crave it, it's that it has been too long since I have been in a relationship and I have more or less gotten used to being alone thus it has left me single and lonely.

    I have never had much luck with dating websites in the past and don't know what the best one is to use. I don't even know where to go looking. I definitely don't want to go overseas and then secure a visa for someone back here in OZ. So where do I go looking? What should I say to someone I fancy? Do I let my weight get in the way and not even bother?
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    #2
    Bluelight Crew Asclepius's Avatar
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    Being lonely sucks. I definitely think it's a good idea to go out experiment and connect with people.

    When you say persue something long-term - what exactly do you mean? I mean what if you don't have a choice, or if you get let down; how do you plan to deal with unmet expectations?

    The only reason im asking, is that there are plenty of people in long-term relationships who are unhappy, lonely and unfullfilled -am not detering you, by any measure -if, you know what you want but it always makes me wonder when people discuss relationships - as if they were a commodity to be purchased; as sometimes, this leads to disapointment and going back to being bruised and or, closeted again, because of a bad experience/ unfullfilled expectations.

    I think having a sense of yourself of imperfections and humility, is really important. Obviously having been on your own you probably are at a better vantage point to know what you need but it is also possible that you could find someone and then feel just as lonely or, disconnected from them - if they werent right for you, or if they have a specific flaw that just triggers some wound - relationships tend to do that; a lot!

    I think you should look at things, as an organic project, a phase 1 of reconnecting with the world - as a means to find your own resillience - date, chat-up, sleep with whomever you feel is right but with a view to just finding out what is right for yourself first; rather than toward settling- down with a quick-fix, comfort blanket - that would be my 2c.

    Just talk and connect with women. Focus on building your own interests and passions and see where these overlap with a chance to connect with people you could possibly date.

    Regards to your weight, I would say, just aim to keep yourself as healthy as possible - dont go changing yourself;in order to be bait ( but if its the concept of self-improvement that motivates you to improve your lifestyle, then go for it) - just aim to please yourself first; do what boosts your own confidence; reap the benefits for yourself first - then you can choose who is worthy of you spending your time and energy, on.

    I'll leave this link here, as its related to human foible and relationship complexity.

    Last edited by Asclepius; 16-09-2018 at 01:06.
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    #3
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    Pretty_Diamonds's Avatar
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    New way is via app. Try Tinder or Bumble. It's super easy.
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    #4
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    exactly

    if body issue is a problem maybe remember that ssri's make people fat quite often and to counteract that you need to excercise a lot or switch form say citalopram to lexapro etc

    apps, get realistic standards and try it on with as many as possible
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    #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by noonoo View Post
    Due to being on SSRI's a long time now and having other uneventful issues in my life which I didn't want to put on someone else I have been single now for too long.

    I think I have let my low libido from the SSRI's and other excuses from my anxiety issues get in the way of pursuing something long term. It's not that I don't crave it, it's that it has been too long since I have been in a relationship and I have more or less gotten used to being alone thus it has left me single and lonely.

    I have never had much luck with dating websites in the past and don't know what the best one is to use. I don't even know where to go looking. I definitely don't want to go overseas and then secure a visa for someone back here in OZ. So where do I go looking? What should I say to someone I fancy? Do I let my weight get in the way and not even bother?
    Do the SSRI's help to reduce you depression and anxiety? If so, is it enough to justify the side effect on libido?

    If not, you might want to reconsider whether you should be taking them. I always ask people (friends etc) who are on SSRI's if they think they help with their depression/anxiety, and to date not a single person has said yes. The closest I get is that people say they are unsure.

    I think that depression is usually - largely - a symptom of circumstance. If you're overweight then I would say that this may well be one of the causes.
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    #6
    Bluelighter
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    Just get an Escort mate. No drama and you can fuck all diffferent hot women.
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    #7
    Bluelighter Vastness's Avatar
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    Do you participate in any social activities during which you could meet new people organically? I would suggest using MeetUp if not and looking for activities or groups in your local area.

    Besides that, as has been mentioned yeah, try dating apps. Personally I have never had that much luck with the ones based primarily around swiping and have met a lot more interesting women on the ones that are more web based and allow users to create a more fleshed out profile - although even those generally now have mobile apps with a swipe left/right function since that seems to be what a lot of people want.

    I can't tell if you are a man or a woman from your post, although I'm guessing a man, probably a straight man, since it's usually straight men that ask these kind of questions.

    If you're a woman online dating definitely is easy and with just one or 2 good pictures you will have tons of matches and potential dates. As a man, you should expect to need to put a little more effort in, read up on how to write a good profile, select good pictures, and be prepared to swipe or contact as many people as you can that you might have even a vague interest in. You can start filtering them out once you actually get some conversations going because the vast majority will ignore you completely, and only a small minority of those you get a conversation going with will actually be up for meeting you - be prepared to be the one making most of the conversational effort and taking the initiative to arrange to meet the vast majority of the time as well.

    All that said, as long as you can accept that this is just reality, and not get disheartened, bitter or angry about it, for many people online dating is still easier than just approaching attractive people in the street or whatever.

    You mentioned also that your weight may be an issue - I would add to the suggestions already given to start dealing with this if you are not already, being healthy is just objectively a good thing and a positive goal to be working towards for a huge range of reasons.
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    #8
    Bluelight Crew CFC's Avatar
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    I would meet people out in social places like cafes, bars, galleries, museums. Apps are all well and good for some people, but for others they're terrible, though you can just as easily be pursuing both strategies at the same time.

    It might be easier to go out if you can go with friends, and bump in to new people organically from there. A lot of people don't give a shit about having regular or decent sex either, so don't put that to the fore of your mind.
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    #9
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    Dude,

    Get an Escort.
    Relationships are for losers
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    #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Specified View Post
    Dude,

    Get an Escort.
    Relationships are for losers
    trololololol

    thanks for that typical response, really helpfulolololol
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    #11
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    Actually it's not a bad idea.
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    #12
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    given that meaningless sex has a sort of let down effect a day later (feel great for an hour after, then feel shit later cos where is the follow up?) paying for some skanky experience or draining your bank for a fancy one surely will leave a dent in your ego postjaculatorily speaking on the cumdown


    prostitution really wont make you feel good unless you have endless money and therefore it brings a sense of control in your life
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    #13
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    When I had my breakdown I was snorting a lot of coke and seeing prostitutes and to me the whole experience was numb. It just didn't have any meaning and most of the times I wouldn't even blow my load but would rather just go back to the hotel unfulfilled.

    Am not a young adult any more where pointless sex is awesome.

    Maybe it's the SSRI's that I take are making me think this way but I don't know......
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