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Thread: Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

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    Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel? 
    #1
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    Hi all,

    This thread should be a safe haven for those with MI, where we can chat with each other and talk about how we are feeling for the day.

    I have Bipolar Disorder, and today i feel pretty stable. I've been sober for a week now because i have a probation piss test coming up, but will soon do some meth. The thing is, i stay up all night when on it, so it could quite possibly make me hypomanic.

    But what's wrong with a little hypomania when your on Lithium, Lamictal and Vraylar? Can't be that bad of a crash. I mean, i've done meth before on these meds and i was fine.. I obviously don't recommend it but self medication is such a big part of my life, unfortunately.

    Anyway, hopefully i can get to know some of you and we can talk about problems, successes, and just anything that's on your mind.

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    #2
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    #3
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    Okay, so i've heard early use of weed can progress mental illness, and yes i'm guilty of self medicating with it. I feel like it calms down my mania and gives me perspective when depressed.

    OT: Today i feel fine. Went on a meth binge recently and stayed up for 3 days so hopefully i don't get manic but like i said, i feel fine now after sleep.
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    #4
    Bluelighter Barry big tits's Avatar
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    Hey madness00.

    A good idea for a thread. i like it

    Im feelin not bad today. Trying to change my sleep pattern coz it was all fucked up. Like nocturnal living.

    So i was up around 6:00am this morning took my diazapam, venlafaxine, clorphenamine, propranalol, pregabalin.

    Walked down to the store at 7:00am to buy some smokes. My GAD and panic disorder still seems to be under decent control. I felt a bit of anxiety and panic/paranoia creeping through today though so i took another diazepam and another lyrica when i got back.

    Now im just chillin. Plans for the day fell through so ima just chill and Smoke my way through a carton of B&H Blue, Make some pizza and watch some shit on amazon video.

    Fukin lame plans for a saturday but fuk it.

    How bout you? How you feelin today madness00?
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    #5
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    My man Barry big tits, home made pizza is what's up.

    My plans include screwing around on my computer, drinking coffee and smoking double diamonds because i spent a third of my disability check on a ball of meth. The other third i get at the beginning of the month (as opposed to the middle), and the other third goes to a rep payee.

    Anyway, feeling actually a bit low this morning. Woke up very tired. Could possible be from the binge i went on earlier this week.

    Thanks for asking
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    #6
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    hi guys,
    this thread is a great idea. thanks!

    lately i'm not stable at all.
    some days i'm hostile and cranky and the other days just plain depressed and desperate.
    i'm on subutex and other AD, stabilizers and tranquilizers for a long ass time and developed what looks like a serious "addiction" to crack. i have been diagnosed and re-diagnosed all my life ranging from unspecified personality disorder to severe depression to bipolar and one doctor even diagnosed me as suffering from schizoaffective disorder (mini schizophrenia) so from i know about my self i think i'm probably bipolar but my highs are not this happy energized and having creative fun it's more like i'm full of anger and rage, snappy. if i'm being honest i feel like a total maniac.

    today i'm tired after not sleeping enough for some days - hitting the pipe a little too much. missed a few days at work which is not regular for me and spending all my disability, salary and rent aid money on rock which is. fuck it man.

    thanks for the opportunity to vent a bit.

    be safe guys and best regards,
    jona
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    #7
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    Hey Jona,

    Thanks for opening up and joining the thread

    As your username suggests, maybe we don't need a label, or a solid sense of identity. Maybe who we are is more fluid, which is something i can relate to. And on top of that, maybe it simply suggests that we are just one more person in the world, equally as important as anyone else.

    Imagine all the vacations you could go on if you saved up some money do you like to travel?

    Do you have a significant other? I wish i did. It would motivate me to get clean, also.

    Anyway, i'm in a similar situation as you, spending all my check on drugs. It's a tough habit to break, but baby steps are what work best. And good reasons/motivation to stop, like vacations and SO's. What would be your reasons to quit?

    All the best my friend.
    Last edited by madness00; 23-09-2018 at 15:08.
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    #8
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by madness00 View Post
    Hey Jona,

    Thanks for opening up and joining the thread

    As your username suggests, maybe we don't need a label, or a solid sense of identity. Maybe who we are is more fluid, which is something i can relate to. And on top of that, maybe it simply suggests that we are just one more person in the world, equally as important as anyone else.

    Imagine all the vacations you could go on if you saved up some money do you like to travel?

    Do you have a significant other? I wish i did. It would motivate me to get clean, also.

    Anyway, i'm in a similar situation as you, spending all my check on drugs. It's a tough habit to break, but baby steps are what work best. And good reasons/motivation to stop, like vacations and SO's. What would be your reasons to quit?

    All the best my friend.
    Hi madness00, how are you mate?

    first i'd like to apologise for this lengthy post, just feel i have to get this of my chest.

    sadly i don't have a girl for almost two years now plus i've neglected all my friends and though they know i have issues they have their limits i guess.

    there is a correlation between my drug use and the end of my last relationship which frankly was not healthy or good to begin with but i have the "beggars can't be choosers" mentality, probably because i lack confidence. she dumped me and i got involved with crack which up until then i didn't really liked that much, i was a opie kind of guy..

    the situation at home is really hard - i live with my mom (she's 72 and i'm 37) at a bad neighborhood, the apartment is not ours so we have to pay outrageous rent. i love my mother but shes very hysterical and have over the top ocd. her behaviour got my brother and sisters to move away, running for their dear life - leaving me holding the bag. my coping mechanism with her craziness is using drugs. mom's unemployed is due to her being sick and old and i work half time after a decade of unemployment. had approx. a 5 years H habit that brought me to engage in all sorts of criminal activities (small time, nothing big though) and after a few run ins with the law decided to get a job and it took a while, to get clean which i failed miserably and after withdrawal induced mania that almost got me killed or maybe worse - rotting in prison i decided to get on subutex and try to find some stability.

    i do like to travel but don't care much for hotels and restaurants, to be in the nature, let it heal my emotional wounds is what i want and in need of. also my old car need fixing but i cant mange to hold the money for that, i just smoke it up in no time.

    i have no motivation whatsoever. i don't get out much except for work and for buying crack and it's like i'm stuck in a rut, in a vicious circle or whatever. don't have much hope but must admit that writing this stuff here on BL helps a lot.

    you know madness00 i think you hit it right in the spot when you wrote - "that we are just one more person in the world, equally as important as anyone else." - see i cant get myself to feel this way. i always feel like i'm a waste of resources. i have a lot of respect for the homeless and prostitutes etc. and basically everyone but me. in my mind i don't deserve the chair i'm sitting on, the food in my belly and my running water hot and cold.

    jeez i wrote all this shit and now feel the need to apologise again, that it's just a waste of your and others time. i genuinely feel that i'm not worth it. really. i don't want to be pitied but also not criticized, just heard i guess..

    so i'll stop here..

    all the best
    jona
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    #9
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    My situation is pretty similar. I don't want to compare sob stories, but things can always get worse. Always can get better. The fact that you are even concerned and writing this all goes to show how motivated you could be to improve your life. You say you're unmotivated, but you come here, tell your story, and are coming to turns with the hurt. That's the first step.

    In regards to being just one more person, maybe you don't deserve the chair you sit on. Maybe you don't deserve the food in your belly. Maybe no one does. Maybe we were made for a much simpler life full of human connection and less focused on what we can buy with our money. Sell your chair, and buy a month subscription to a dating website

    Also, have you tried filling your chillum with weed? You might get a new perspective on your life. Reality, weirdly enough, might slap you in the face. At least that's what weed does to me.

    Keep us updated. This can be a thread for you to vent. People will listen, maybe give unsolicited advice and be able to relate to what you're going through, which is a win-win.

    Take care friend.
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    #10
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    yea mate, i've smoked weed from age 15 to 30 every day all day and it was much better then regarding hard drugs.
    i used to take x (well before mdma was available) here and there but that's it. when i smoked weed it automatically made me not want to use drugs and drink alcohol but now when i smoke it's like a slap to the face - i get a panic attack, feeling like an alien and saying to myself that i got a BIG FUCKING CRACK PROBLEM and what the fuck am i gonna do, stuff like that. when not smoking weed i minimize the crack smoking, money grabbing, lying, stealing, cheating and being a fucking asshole especially to myself, no matter how cheesy and dishonest it may sound..
    every now and then i buy some weed and not smoke crack for like a week but then i get used to the weed and it doesn't stop me from scoring..

    i have something that bothering me very much but it's so complicated and heavy i wouldn't know where to begin.. maybe i'll try soon.

    thanks a bunch

    jona
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    #11
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    You know yourself best. Always here to listen.

    Today i feel wicked tired. Smoked weed last night and then brought blankets over to another part of the city for my homeless friend. He is my Tina connect and he dragged me around for 4 hours while he was trying to get himself situated with all his belongings. I finally left and he didn't even thank me for the god damn blankets. The nice things i do just to be seen as a loyal customer..

    Just because i'm a binger because of my poor financial situation doesn't mean i'm not a god damn addict.
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    #12
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    I suffer from PTSD and repressed memories and for the last 8 years at least i have been remembering both good and bad events and
    both good and bad things from my past i have done over the course of my 38 year life and in some cases i'm remembering events from 20 to 30 years ago.

    I won't go into details but i've done some bad shit in my life but at the same time i've done some good things too and about a week ago i had one hell of a repressed memory came back to me that was both a positive and negative but one good thing about remembering this series of events was that i finally realised it's not all my fault.

    I'm not saying my mental illness is cured however i do feel better about myself.
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