The Kick begins in earnest tomorrow....but have questions and a shi*t ton of anxiety!

[lovemissile66]

Ya' know 10....You swoop in wearing some sort of cape, I'm sure....and you magically just make me feel so much better about myself!! I need to figure out how to feed myself tonight (and I cook for a living, doh!) and get some sleep. But tomorrow a.m. I plan on responding to your lovely post at length. Take care my dear. So good to see you again

 

[lovemissile66]

Happy Thanksgiving folks! I am heading further South to hang with my mom and step-dad for about 5 days. I only have enough gear for the first couple of days, depending on how quickly I utilize it. Holidays, even with the best of families, are stressful, so we shall see. Anyhoo, no dope for this chick! Which means I am putting myself through an intentional kick whilst away. And these tend to go very well. Mostly because I am away from my sources and out of my environment. Change of the 'ol scenery. I will have a good 3 days clean once I am back. And I know its a drop in the bucket, but its a long overdue start.

So...everyone have a great turkey day and if you aren't into holidays then by all means just have a nice chill day. Be kind. I'll post when I return, maybe before then. See how shitty I feel and go from there.

 

[lovemissile66]

Well, its really happening! Can't say I would ever recommend this method to anyone else, but it seems to be the only way I know how to get off the gear(unless, of course, I am behind bars). Took the Amtrak down to my Mom's for the holiday. Knew I would have enough dope to last the trip and for the actual Thanksgiving day. I really didn't relish the thought of ruining such a fine feast by being deep in
the bowels of junk-sickness.

So, all was peachy until yesterday. And the minute i was left alone in their house, I did a search for any and all drugs. Turns out my mom is one healthy fucker. I did manage to score 5 5mg vikes. And I spent half an hour debating whether it would even be worth taking them. Pills usually do nothing for me....but i was in that fiending mode, so anything probably would have sufficed. I took two and had the last klonopin as a chaser. Within an hour I was feeling ok. Mostly sleepy. But i knew it would be short-lived. And It was. Couple hours later I ate the rest of the vikes and had the worst night that I can remember in a long long time. I should have said "screw the pills", and just taken my sub. But its hard to let go.

I rocked back and forth all night long.....literally. I put a half piece of sub under my tongue I think at like 4am. And waited. Then another half. I think I finally passed out for a couple hours at 6 or so.
Not feeling great right now, so I took another half. Mostly its just the not giving a fuck about anything mood that is messing with me. That and no energy. But I am doing this! No dope (heroin) for two days. I head back home on Monday so hopefully I will have a solid 3 day start to this sobriety thing.

I'll keep ya posted. Man, I do not miss the taste of this stuff. Nor the nasty sweats that go with it. And I have zero desire to jump into the shower. So I am smellin like a rose right now.

Hope everyone had a nice holiday.

I miss you 10!!! Where are you?

 

[Stargazer]

Aaw LM. I so get what you're going through!!! Wish I could be with you, and re-assure you/PROMISE YOU, it IS going to get better. And I NEVER promise anything, unless I mean it.

And, btw,. AWESOME WORK!!! You're doing it lady. You're doing it. Take a breath. You really are ok. This is a small thing for a giant like yourself. It's just part of the shitty process.

Damn your mom for being healthy lol! I get that feeling too. Like, "How can you not be on or have some kind of opiates or benzos?!"

We, addicts, are the minority. Shocking isn't it??!! I learned that in rehab. Most people don't want to get high. I really was taken aback to learn that.

Thanksgiving was just another day. Unfortunately. I love spending time with my daughter and husband, (when we're all normal lol) on holidays. But, it didn't work out that way. I saw my daughter for a little while. But, things haven't been the same since she's become a meth addict. When I tell you my heart is bleeding, I couldn't mean it more.

How are you feeling today LM? You're on day 2 right? Hang on sister. With every passing second, you're on your way to feeling stable. I promise.

Please stop in and update. Thinking of you. And I'm with you in spirit.

 

[lovemissile66]

10! Someday soon we need to talk, if you are open to it of course. There are waaaaay to many similarities between us. And now that you mention your daughter, of which I also have one who is addicted to speed. She started out conning her shrink back when she was still in high school, to get Adderall. Then sold them to other students and she had to be taken out of school. She ended up with a GED, but man did she spiral out. And then came the meth. It has destroyed the beautiful girl she once was. Its like the flicker of light is out in her eyes. I know being a heroin is no picnic, but I think meth is pure
evil.
Yes, I am on day two. And honestly, its never as bad as I think it will be, which is the maddening part. Because I keep spending money on dope out of fear. The Zub is doing its job and I'm not being stingy with it this time around. Now I am concerned about once I get back home. There is some fire waiting for me and I want to be able to say no. My heart goes out to you 10. Damn wish you were here holdiing my hand.

love you and hope your week gets better

 

[Stargazer]

I wish I was there holding your hand too LM. I also wish I was there to beat the shit out of your dealer for telling you she has fire. As if it's not difficult enough. It's not going to be easy LM. But, it is going to be worth it.


I know how difficult what you're going through right now is. I feel emotionally raw when I'm inducting. I often think how much easier it would be with some support. You always have my support.

My daughter started with Adderall too. (We do have some uncanny similarities.). I would love to talk to you LM. Of course.

I will post more later. I just wanted to say hello, and let you know you're in my thoughts.

 

[lovemissile66]

Hey Lady 10, I'm getting ready to start my train trek back up to VA. Thank you for all the kindness while I've been tackling this beast called addiction. I will write more later tonight when I get back home. You are in my thoughts and I hope you have a wonderful, kind day!