The Kick begins in earnest tomorrow....but have questions and a shi*t ton of anxiety!

[lovemissile66]

How are you? I've been thinking about you and hoping that you are alright-whatever that means! Just wanted to put that out there.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey girl! I'm so glad you checked in!

You know what I was thinking - I know how shitty it feels to mess up (since I so frequently do myself) and feel ashamed, etc. , Instead of looking at this thread as the "I'm inducting myself tomorrow" thread - look at this thread as simply your recovery journey. And this is how your journey is working - for now.

You have the desire to stop. It has to start w that first. Now your brain has to catch up to your heart Some people have been getting high for 20yrs w no desire to stop. Having the desire is a big deal.

I do like to read. I will add that book to my list. Thanks!

We will be deal

 

[Stargazer]

...we will be dealing with not being able to casually take/use opiates for the rest of our lives.

Something that drove that point home was meeting someone that had been clean for THIRTY-FIVE YEARS and relapsed like 3yrs ago. He's now on methadone and using IV fentynal. Wth? If you told that guy this was going to happen 4yrs ago...omg. I can't imagine.

So yeah. That's probably going to be the case for us. We're not alone LM.

So glad you checked in!

 

[lovemissile66]

Beenbetter- Just want to say I'm thinking about you and hope all is well. And if its not....that is okay too.

 

[Stargazer]

^^I second this bb.

Give me a call or shoot me a text. Hope you're well!

You too LM. I'm dealing with some cravings today. Nothing new.

On a good note, though it doesn't feel good right now, I lost my connect. Due to his tendency to be very rude and difficult, he pissed off his connect I'm actually shocked it hasn't happened sooner.

This guy is above and beyond rude. He's had me wanting to slap him senseless on many occasions. He charges a ridiculous price.

I know it's a blessing in disguise. I keep telling myself how much money I'll have for Ulta, Sephora and clothes, etc. if I completely stopped.

So, that's where it is now. Hope you're having a good day Lovemissile.

 

[lovemissile66]

Man!! 10-I am soooo going through the same situation, i.e., losing one of my connects. For about 15 years, I more or less dealt with the same woman who sold me my heroin. I certainly copped from others, but she was my steady. The best part was that she delivered to my doorstep!! I lived in the pathway to her job, so just about every morning she would leave me my 'package' under my front door doormat. Nothing better than waking up at 4 or 5am, and knowing what's waiting for you downstairs. She would always let me pay later in the day, on her way back home. But! And there is always a 'but', she had a wicked habit as well. She never shot her dope, always snorted. But more often than not, she would run up a HUGE tab with her connect, and the next thing you know.....he drops her because she owes him too much and then all of her customers are fucked because she can't control her use. She lost a lot of great connections that way. Anyhoo-over time I found another woman who sold. She also had a habit. The nice thing about her, was that she could sell you 'weight', as in grams. Instead of my having to buy bundles, I could just buy a gram or two and be set for days. It was usually really good shit. Kids! Listen up! THERE ARE NO FRIENDS IN THE DOPE BUSINESS!!! For as old as I am, I can still be quite na?ve. This chick was super cool to me for the better part of two years, and then her habit got way out of control and she decides she is going to 'beat' me. Not once, but twice. (because I love the pain, apparently!). Now, I know this is standard procedure in the drug game...getting burned. But I really really thought she was....a FUCKING FRIEND damnit!! So, I had to stop going to her because-get this-I somehow fucked her over! Yeah, I wasn't being generous enough with my drugs. I was supposed to give her a portion each time I copped. Which is ridiculous, because her guy (that supplied it) gave her more than enough free shit every time he did a drop. Which was every day!
A blessing in disguise. Just like you said. I was so mad for days. Mostly because I was able to buy dope and still have money left over each week. Now I'm back to spending too much for too little. I know its all petty. And there was a part of myself that wanted to do something so wrong, so evil. Like get her busted. But I can't. I'm not a snitch. Its just the dirty part of the game I signed up for when I became an addict. But still!!! I don't think if the roles were reversed, I would do shit like this to people. Just saying...I can relate 10!!! And I WILL be better off for this because I cannot afford to keep seeing my current dealer. Its fucking outrageous what she charges and the little bit you get for your money. Hope you are working through it. Wonder how many small islands I could own by now?!

 

[lovemissile66]

Hey 10-Hope you and everyone else is enjoying their weekend. Same 'ol, same 'ol here. But it is gorgeous outside, the temps finally dropped to the 50's last night and high of only 65 today!! Going to do something good for myself-go for a nice bike ride and try to not think about drugs. 8)

 

[Stargazer]

Hey!!

I don't know how I missed this. So glad you posted.

Omg - I have been furious- beyond furious at the guy who was my connect. I've considered doing mean things to him only because of the really mean things he does and his mouth.

He picks up working girls all of the time. That's nothing against working girls. It's just he trusts them around my stuff - and it's been tapped a few times I understand why they'd do that - to him. But I suffer for his bullshit. So, yes, it really is a blessing.

He feels like I owe him. He's also a really bad gambling addict. So, when he loses all of his money, that's somehow my problem.

You are so so right - there are NO FRIENDS IN THE DOPE BUSINESS! I too, have felt I was friends with people that burnt me. And it really hurt. I mean, we see them everyday. Talk to them everyday - even use w them sometimes. So it's understandable why we feel we're "friends" Especially if you're a loyal person by nature that genuinely cares about others.

We are a minority LM. Most people I encounter are very self-centered. I end up being everyone's therapist. Listening to them for hours. Giving them pep-talks, etc. Now, I'm hoping to find a friend that will do the same for me.

You honestly awesome. Hopefully, I'll meet a friend like you IRL. To keep total transparency, I used yesterday But I was blocked by subs.

How are things?

 

[Stargazer]

*you seem awesome

I can't edit w my phone. If I do, I lose my entire post. We all know how shitty that is.

 

[Stargazer]

My connect is nuts too. He will turn situations around like I'm the one who's wrong, rude, etc. Just thinking about it makes me want to punch him. Hard. More than once.

 

[lovemissile66]

Hello 10!! I've been MIA, as of late....just working too hard. And then I get home, clean up, try to eat (which is REALLY a frickin chore because I cook all day), maybe watch some tube if I can keep my eyes open, read and then pass out! One day stretches into the next and I cannot believe how the time really does fly. Remember when you were a little kid and the summer vacation seemed like it lasted for years??! What happened to that?? I am still using and I am currently trying to taper before this coming weekend. UGH!! Its like, here we go again! But! I managed to score a few benzos to aid in the induction process, so I am feeling much more confident about this next stab at kicking this crap. You made me laugh as I was reading your post about the dealer you want to punch and do not so nice things to!! I'm in the same boat, sister! I have had the most detailed scenarios floating around in my head about the grimy shit I want to do to one of mine. And yet I can't. And it pisses me off that I am so thoughtful like that! In the end I just can't lower myself to that level. Wish I could.

I don't know where you live, but it is finally cooling off here. Today it was so beautiful outside it was painful. Does that make any sense?! I ride my bike to work and when its time to head home, that ride is one of the highlights of my day. And today was just perfect. That awesome crisp air and the sky was like a forget-me-not blue. What do you like to do (besides opies)?! I ride a lot. I feel most free when I'm on that bike. I'm usually trying not to get hit by cars...so I focus only on staying alive in that moment. NO time to think about the bullshit in my life, you know what I mean?

I hope you are staying well and fighting the good fight! YEAH! Hey-I meant to ask you....what the real difference is between Subutex and Suboxone (besides one being a full agonist, right?) and why you chose one over the other.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey Lovemissile!

It's always great to see you around. . I'm from Pennsylvania. Where are you from? Yes, the weather is perfect right now. So beautiful it hurts. Indeed. I know what you mean - that melancholy feeling that accompanies appreciation of "normal" things.

Have you ever looked at say a family, sitting in the park, talking and laughing or any other normal-type thing and felt a sadness? Yeah.

I love to ride bikes! I'm in the market for one right now. I saw a couple really cute ones w a basket, a cup holder, phone holder, rack on the back and saddle bags for added carrying ability. Riding a bike is freeing and relaxing.

I so remember Summer vacation as a kid...and yes, it felt sooo long. Three months was an eternity then lol Now, time just flies. It seems slow but fast. That doesn't make sense, but, it's how it feels. I miss Summer vacation.

Subutex - the reason I'm on it is because the Dr., On her own accord, prescribed it. I'm glad because the naloxone in Suboxone gives me a bad headache and a bit of anxiety. But, other than that, I notice no other differences. Really. It was weird to have something white, rather than orange. And the tablet instead of a film.

It was easier to get an accurate dose w film - due to it being well, film lol. You know - being able to fold it and cut it instead of breaking a tablet into pieces.

I'm still fighting the good fight. Stay positive lady. Everyone's journey is different, and we're all on our own timeline. I hope you are well today.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hello 10!! I've been MIA, as of late....just working too hard. And then I get home, clean up, try to eat (which is REALLY a frickin chore because I cook all day), maybe watch some tube if I can keep my eyes open, read and then pass out! One day stretches into the next and I cannot believe how the time really does fly. Remember when you were a little kid and the summer vacation seemed like it lasted for years??! What happened to that?? I am still using and I am currently trying to taper before this coming weekend. UGH!! Its like, here we go again! But! I managed to score a few benzos to aid in the induction process, so I am feeling much more confident about this next stab at kicking this crap. You made me laugh as I was reading your post about the dealer you want to punch and do not so nice things to!! I'm in the same boat, sister! I have had the most detailed scenarios floating around in my head about the grimy shit I want to do to one of mine. And yet I can't. And it pisses me off that I am so thoughtful like that! In the end I just can't lower myself to that level. Wish I could.

I don't know where you live, but it is finally cooling off here. Today it was so beautiful outside it was painful. Does that make any sense?! I ride my bike to work and when its time to head home, that ride is one of the highlights of my day. And today was just perfect. That awesome crisp air and the sky was like a forget-me-not blue. What do you like to do (besides opies)?! I ride a lot. I feel most free when I'm on that bike. I'm usually trying not to get hit by cars...so I focus only on staying alive in that moment. NO time to think about the bullshit in my life, you know what I mean?

I hope you are staying well and fighting the good fight! YEAH! Hey-I meant to ask you....what the real difference is between Subutex and Suboxone (besides one being a full agonist, right?) and why you chose one over the other.

oh my god, just do it already. you can do it! if I were you I'd induct with a high dose whilst taking precuation to avoid precipitated withdrawal. the advantage of taking 8mg or more for a few days is then you have no choice - heroin will be blocked, so you're stuck on the subs. that's how I do it - I am lucky enough to never have PW for some reason, but I will start on 10 or 8mg for a couple of days (will have no physical symptoms but the transition from heroin + cocaine to subutex is a little rough mentally) then drop down to 4mg and maintain on there. You will always find reasons to delay it til tomorrow, but the problem with tomorrow is that unfortunately we always live in today.

 

[lovemissile66]

Thank You Rio!! Sometimes I just need a blunt (not an actual blunt) kick in the ass! You are absolutely right...always finding a reason to delay, delay, delay. And in the moment the reasons just sound so damn....REASONABLE! The procrastination is just coming from a place of fear. I have had some nasty inductions on sub, but I lived. And after a couple days on it I am ok. In the past I never needed much more than 2mg a day, even with the amount of dope I was slamming. I no longer iv my dope, so I hope that is to my advantage. Maybe I should have taken more in the beginning? I was taught less is more with the sub, so I dunno. Anyway, the battle continues in my brain. Right this second I am trying to figure out how to stay well for the work week, as my financial resources hit the shitter. OR!!! I could just TAKE THE SUB!!!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Thank You Rio!! Sometimes I just need a blunt (not an actual blunt) kick in the ass! You are absolutely right...always finding a reason to delay, delay, delay. And in the moment the reasons just sound so damn....REASONABLE! The procrastination is just coming from a place of fear. I have had some nasty inductions on sub, but I lived. And after a couple days on it I am ok. In the past I never needed much more than 2mg a day, even with the amount of dope I was slamming. I no longer iv my dope, so I hope that is to my advantage. Maybe I should have taken more in the beginning? I was taught less is more with the sub, so I dunno. Anyway, the battle continues in my brain. Right this second I am trying to figure out how to stay well for the work week, as my financial resources hit the shitter. OR!!! I could just TAKE THE SUB!!!

Yes, less is more in terms of for some reason taking 4mg some people, me included, feel a more distinct opioid buzz compared to 8mg, for example. I was suggesting the high dose since then you can't use dope for a couple of days which I figured may make you more likely to stick to the course. Instead of saying "Tomorrow" permanently, why not set a realistic goal like wednesday or thursday or whenever is most convenient (as long as it's fuckin soon)? Then you can prepare yourself and stop finding daily excuses to put it off another day, and can plan exactly what you're going to do on induction day (i.e. stop using at x time the day before, wake up at X time, take subutex at X time) then once it's done it will only be onwards and upwards!

All you're doing right now is leaving yourself in suspended animation so you can keep using relatively guilt free because "I may be using now, but I will induct tomorrow!", but you're lying to yourself. You are repeatedly justifying using heroin today because of a fantasy tomorrow that never happens, so you need to break this cycle.

 

[Stargazer]

So you're already aquainted w Rio, Lovemissile? Lol. He jumped on your thread just to type "oh my god, just do it already" (says the guy who relapsed - well and to let you know all you're doing wrong in his opinion) He can't resist trying to start an argument.

You handled that perfectly. . The only person you have to be accountable to is you. Noone else. I know you're going to do it. You've already started the process by having the desire, reaching out and starting a thread - even if it's online.

The people I'm close to on BL, are really important to me. They genuinely matter to me. I genuinely care about them. Some of them became real-life friends We talk on the phone. They can contact me 24/7 if need be - and I can do the same.

Hey Rio-! Glad you're back posting on BL. Share your experience about your relapse with us. How long did it last? What triggered you to make the final decision to use? Emotional things? Boredom? How are you feeling now that you're back on track? How big is/was your habit?

Rather than be cranky and lash out on anyone you feel is vulnerable, share your experience with all of us. Thats what really helps and matters.

You're fortunate to feel stable right away on subs. Not everyone does. Me included. It takes a few days.

Hope you're well today Lovemissile and Rio.

 

[Stargazer]

Ps- And you're an amazing writer! I've been meaning to tell you that. You're threads are compelling and easy to read.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

So you're already aquainted w Rio, Lovemissile? Lol. He jumped on your thread just to type "oh my god, just do it already" (says the guy who relapsed - well and to let you know all you're doing wrong in his opinion) He can't resist trying to start an argument.

You handled that perfectly. . The only person you have to be accountable to is you. Noone else. I know you're going to do it. You've already started the process by having the desire, reaching out and starting a thread - even if it's online.

The people I'm close to on BL, are really important to me. They genuinely matter to me. I genuinely care about them. Some of them became real-life friends We talk on the phone. They can contact me 24/7 if need be - and I can do the same.

Hey Rio-! Glad you're back posting on BL. Share your experience about your relapse with us. How long did it last? What triggered you to make the final decision to use? Emotional things? Boredom? How are you feeling now that you're back on track? How big is/was your habit?

Rather than be cranky and lash out on anyone you feel is vulnerable, share your experience with all of us. Thats what really helps and matters.

You're fortunate to feel stable right away on subs. Not everyone does. Me included. It takes a few days.

Hope you're well today Lovemissile and Rio.

Would you disagree that lovemissile should start the subutex that he meant to start weeks and weeks ago? I am not trying to lash out at someone vulnerable and lovemissile took the post in the spirit it was intended. You have read malice & anger in my post when really there is none and are getting offended on their behalf. Relax. All is well! My response was triggered by me reading through the entire thread in one go - do that & the problem is obvious, and it's that they won't take the jump. Sometimes people need to be pushed. I mean no harm.

My relapse lasted through all of September and ended eight days ago. I used because it was literally shoved in front of my face during a moment of weakness and I figured I could keep it to a day - the dreaded delusion! I feel great that I'm back on track but I'm frightened for the next week or two since my most common relapse time by far is around day 14 for some reason - if I can get through that I think I have a fantastic chance of making this stick. 2018 started out with an earnest resolution to get sober, and I broke it 11 days in, and then other than two months around Easter this whole year has just been an endless cycle of relapse, super short stretch of sobriety (as in days not weeks), relapse again, rinse & repeat. I really want to end it now - I've been round this merry go round enough times to know that it doesn't get any better.

 

[ladyhlove]

Not to steal your post, lovemissle..

But Rio. I meant to answer this in my thread, but I got carried away with my own personal drama.

I do attribute the success I'm having to methadone. It works so much better for me than suboxone. It gets rid of the cravings and, the one or two times I've attempted to use on it, it's been absolutely pointless. And not like a block from suboxone which just takes more drugs than usual to get high...like using and using and using and not so much as a yawn. And then you get into OD territory there, so not a good idea either. When I am tempted to get heroin, I remember it is literally a complete waste of money. I would have to stop taking methadone for days in order to feel full fledged opiates once again, and I don't feel like going through that misery just for that.

Getting off methadone will be hard, and I know that. But it's nice to be out of the insanity for awhile.

The reason I'm saying this is...it might be a good option for you. I just know that I finally took the plunge with it after I had failed suboxone so many times and I knew my life was very close to falling to pieces if I didn't do SOMETHING. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing time and time again and expecting a different result...

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Not to steal your post, lovemissle..

But Rio. I meant to answer this in my thread, but I got carried away with my own personal drama.

I do attribute the success I'm having to methadone. It works so much better for me than suboxone. It gets rid of the cravings and, the one or two times I've attempted to use on it, it's been absolutely pointless. And not like a block from suboxone which just takes more drugs than usual to get high...like using and using and using and not so much as a yawn. And then you get into OD territory there, so not a good idea either. When I am tempted to get heroin, I remember it is literally a complete waste of money. I would have to stop taking methadone for days in order to feel full fledged opiates once again, and I don't feel like going through that misery just for that.

Getting off methadone will be hard, and I know that. But it's nice to be out of the insanity for awhile.

The reason I'm saying this is...it might be a good option for you. I just know that I finally took the plunge with it after I had failed suboxone so many times and I knew my life was very close to falling to pieces if I didn't do SOMETHING. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing time and time again and expecting a different result...

I hate methadone like you hate subs. It makes me a nodded out zombie all day incapable of functioning and I like subutex because the times I've tapered off I've been basically totally withdrawal-free all the way down to 0mg. The problem hasn't been the pharmacological agent, it's been *me*. Had I been on methadone this past month I'd have relapsed all the same - my cravings that have led me to lapse have mostly started with crack with heroin coming along for the ride, so no opiate is going to effect that. I need to create change in my life and my mindset and that's what I'm working on and it's been the help of Smart Recovery coupled with my earnest *need* to change that have even propelled me these seven days. Thank you for your advice though - if I keep on failing I'll certainly consider methadone again.