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Thread: My recovery journal -meth

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    My recovery journal -meth 
    #1
    Tomorrow will be day 1 (again!!) no idea why I always fall back.. I love it at first but then I honestly hate it!! I hate how I feel on it, how I treat my husband, how I feel my normal natural patience slip away from me when with my children. I've never hit rock bottom as such but I'm also not living my best life at all! I finally found the strength through praying and opening the bible again and I flushed all my remaining crap down the loo. I hate that all it takes is some weight gain, a big event, a messy house or exhaustion to push me back to the crap so easily.. and how once I start it always ends up being a daily thing for a few months.. the thought of going without would terrify me. I'm not scared anymore but I know I need to be accountable and honest in a safe place.. this is my fist time posting! I need to make this serious and be honest with myself this time.. and hopefully hear from people who are also beginning this journey or those who have clean time already and can motivate me, help me, hear me.. and I hope to do the same for you!
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    #2
    Bluelighter
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    Feb 2017
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    Dmb85 welcome to Sober Living at Blue Light. Reaching out is the first step in getting in to a solution. I will circle back around to this post when I get more time later today. I am glad you are here!
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    #3
    Bluelighter ladyhlove's Avatar
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    Nov 2017
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    The land of Oz. Can't seem to make it past this damn poppy field.
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    Welcome to SL, dmb85. You're in a great community!
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    #4
    Please don't give up. I recently relapsed on meth Friday, and I've been in a binge since, and I still have at least a gram left. I haven't ate anything since Friday except for 2 chicken nuggets today. My body feels like shit, I'm run down, my skin is red because of the lack f oxygen in my blood 😏 I'm so fatigued because the lack of food and water, and I just need hope that someone else is doing this, so I can do it too. I hope you find your way, and I hope you can kick this demon. I hate the way I get on it too; emotionless, numb, the deafening silence... I should probably go eat but I'd rather smoke instead. I'm not strong enough right now, but you are!! Keep at it, you got this
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    #5
    Bluelighter
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    May 2015
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    Trust me when I say IT GETS BETTER. It doesn't seem that way right now, but it really does get better and it gets easier. Personally, I could not do it alone-- I tried for 30 years and failed repeatedly. Just keep reaching out to recovering people. Any CMA meetings in your area?

    Peace&Love,
    jasper

    "Donald Trump does not touch alcohol, which is really respectable. But think about that. That means every statement, every interview, every tweet-- completely sober." -- Hasan Minhaj
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    #6
    I'm a mother, and in my state if you try to enter a program, or they sense your on something, they take your kid before they even ask questions. I wanna get help, and reach out, but it's too big of a risk for me man. And it's feeding my downfall
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    #7
    Bluelighter ladyhlove's Avatar
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    ^^that sucks...but, is that really so? I've known several women who have gone into rehab while having children who kept their kids. There's even some kid-friendly long-term facilities around here...a girl I went to high school with went to one for 90 days with her two toddlers. I'm sure if you're in and out of rehab, yeah sure they'll take them away, but the first time? And...how do they even know you're in rehab? Seems like HIPA laws would keep that kind of information from getting to DFCS. But then again, these are all just guesses...I have no children and we probably don't live in the same state.

    Edit: Now I see where you are...we are NOT in the same state, but we are in states that touch (GA) and I know a lot about laws in NC actually, due to having a lot of family there. AND i just looked this up to make sure...a rehab center CANNOT report you being a patient to anyone, including DCFS, unless you have expressed a desire to harm someone (in DCFS case, a desire to harm your child). That breaks all sorts of confidentiality laws.
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    #8
    Bluelighter
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    Anonymous meetings are very low-risk.

    Peace&Love,
    jasper
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    #9
    I asked my therapist back in March about my "friend" needing help, and her having kids, and she said when kids are involved, legally she has to report it. It's might not be the same with the programs, I got paranoid after she said that, and stopped going. I'll look into it now, thank you. I'll have to come up with a way for me to get out of the house for 90 days without our families finding out I'm going to rehab, I don't want them being disappointed in me again or saying I'm a bad mother. Just sucks everything's happening right now with taxes due, trying to fix up the rental house to sell, holidays sneaking up slowly, THIS HURRICANE! Lol I'm stressin
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    #10
    Bluelighter
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    May 2015
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    Chattanooga, TN
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    Re: Kids & Rehab. I've been to rehab several times and every time there were mothers there. They even got visitation with their kids while there. I'm in TN; other states might be different. IMHO, it would be much better for someone to find out you're in treatment than to find out that you're using and NOT in treatment. Generally speaking, people already know more about you than you think they do. In any case, keep in touch with recovering people, whether here or at meetings or both. Best wishes!

    Peace&Love,
    jasper


    "You know you're an alcoholic when you misplace things for like a decade." -- Paul Williams
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    #11
    Hey Dmb!

    Hope you're ok girl. Your thread hits me straight in my heart. My daughter is struggling w meth. Even worse, IV meth.
    It's heartwrenching.

    I'm from Pennsylvania, 10mins from Philadelphia. In my state, there are rehabs that accept mother's and children. They (the system), really try not to separate mother and child, if there's the possibility the mother wants/gets help. And it sounds like you are a great mother, whose struggling ATM, and trying to be responsible out of that love for her children. There are mother's that don't give a damn about their kids. Which, I cannot even remotely understand.

    As a mother, I completely understand the terror you feel at the thought of being separated from your kids. Do your research, and see what you can do. If it means going to another state for treatment, so be it. Well worth it.

    I just wanted to say hello and let you know I'm sending you positive thoughts and vibes from PA. ♥️🍂🍁
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