Frankwait35
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2018
- Messages
- 1
So, congrats to me for taking the 5 seconds to create this free account... instead of just using Google as my free search ticket XD.
Little intro of me, not really sure what type of category or subcategory I actually fit in. I've never been a hardcore addict, like doing whatever or hurting whomever to get the high I'm searching for. I'm also not a recreational user. Basically, around 4 or 5 years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD, so my use has always been anything considered an "upper" lol or as I like to call them, the "dopamine ticklers". Started off with OTC cough and cold meds, if I felt like escaping for a while that's when I'd do it; worked hard in school, but got with an older "lost" crowd and just got introduced to the wrong sh*t at the wrong time for all the obvious wrong reasons... got some help from family members, got my life "together" (well to a "normal" teen extent), graduated, met the love of my life, and got pregnant a month and some change literally right after turning 18. Had my son, and at the time had only tried prescription painkillers once and through my guts up after eating white castle burgers (lolol cliche I know, but it was legit a reenactment of the exorcist). I was given a prescription for percocet after delivery, and had some much motivation and energy that I was instantly awestruck! Jump ahead several years, I wanted to try ecstacy for V-day bc I had heard it maximized all senses and figured it would be excellent for a romantic rendezvous, given the hyped up "holiday". Couldn't find any so we did coke. Got pretty much in debt for that stupidity, but I had a pretty level headed husband on my side to eventually say no. Got back on PP, hydros (my grandparents lived next door and I'd do stuff like go to the store or run errands, not anticipating a reward, (back was screwed after preg) so they'd "pay" me with their hydros. A few months after got on adderalls and non-tylenol perks (snorting) from husband's coworker and my cousin. Both got cut off, husbands coworker turned us on to crystal (snorting not smoking). My grandpa passed away shortly after starting it and it helped keep the pain away from dealing with him leaving so unannounced. We bought when we wanted it or had extra money, but we paid our bills and necessary expenses, not on time but kept them out of past due lol. Anyway, bottom line to this extended ramble, being a mom for almost 9 years now, and it becoming a part of me so abruptly at such a young age, caused me to forget or even know what things I like or motivate me that haven't involved drug use. Meaning, if I'm high on something that gives me energy and a sense of motivation (which creates a false satisfaction) then I'm always tired and lethargic and being that way, lol i.e. sober, has and does effect not only myself, but my family and kids lives. After, might as well say 10+ years, of using drugs as a source of self fulfillment, gratification, and a motivational trigger, it's hard as hell to "retrain" your brain to function on the normality of "natural" or sober-oriented resources; especially when you are more than aware how much easier drugs make any regular task.
To sum it up, I'm far from typical, I've made mistakes, and every day is a battle between making the right choices and focusing on sobriety to be there for my husband and children. It kills me to know how much my family means to me and that I have to focus so much of my energy and time to stay away from drugs, because I let the shit become more of a selfish, controlling priority rather than focus and choose them instead. I'll never stop loving them, but it's scary and sickening that I love getting high that there's even a possibility I'd choose that over them.
... uhm... I love trying to help people with their problems, even if I'm not personally in a position to advise even a random ass tree about life decisions. I'm 4 classes shy of an associate's degree in mechanical engineering technology, I love the natural flow of physics principals in our world, it's memorizing and mystical that, without any human manipulation, nature and life flows with specific, reoccurring rules and regularity. No choices to be made. No reason for deviations. No occurence meant to be second guessed. Purpose is evident and existence is necessary. I also like coloring, but more enjoy picking from 20 shades of one color to correlate just right amongst the other shades present.
Thanks! Sorry for the endless rambling...
Little intro of me, not really sure what type of category or subcategory I actually fit in. I've never been a hardcore addict, like doing whatever or hurting whomever to get the high I'm searching for. I'm also not a recreational user. Basically, around 4 or 5 years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD, so my use has always been anything considered an "upper" lol or as I like to call them, the "dopamine ticklers". Started off with OTC cough and cold meds, if I felt like escaping for a while that's when I'd do it; worked hard in school, but got with an older "lost" crowd and just got introduced to the wrong sh*t at the wrong time for all the obvious wrong reasons... got some help from family members, got my life "together" (well to a "normal" teen extent), graduated, met the love of my life, and got pregnant a month and some change literally right after turning 18. Had my son, and at the time had only tried prescription painkillers once and through my guts up after eating white castle burgers (lolol cliche I know, but it was legit a reenactment of the exorcist). I was given a prescription for percocet after delivery, and had some much motivation and energy that I was instantly awestruck! Jump ahead several years, I wanted to try ecstacy for V-day bc I had heard it maximized all senses and figured it would be excellent for a romantic rendezvous, given the hyped up "holiday". Couldn't find any so we did coke. Got pretty much in debt for that stupidity, but I had a pretty level headed husband on my side to eventually say no. Got back on PP, hydros (my grandparents lived next door and I'd do stuff like go to the store or run errands, not anticipating a reward, (back was screwed after preg) so they'd "pay" me with their hydros. A few months after got on adderalls and non-tylenol perks (snorting) from husband's coworker and my cousin. Both got cut off, husbands coworker turned us on to crystal (snorting not smoking). My grandpa passed away shortly after starting it and it helped keep the pain away from dealing with him leaving so unannounced. We bought when we wanted it or had extra money, but we paid our bills and necessary expenses, not on time but kept them out of past due lol. Anyway, bottom line to this extended ramble, being a mom for almost 9 years now, and it becoming a part of me so abruptly at such a young age, caused me to forget or even know what things I like or motivate me that haven't involved drug use. Meaning, if I'm high on something that gives me energy and a sense of motivation (which creates a false satisfaction) then I'm always tired and lethargic and being that way, lol i.e. sober, has and does effect not only myself, but my family and kids lives. After, might as well say 10+ years, of using drugs as a source of self fulfillment, gratification, and a motivational trigger, it's hard as hell to "retrain" your brain to function on the normality of "natural" or sober-oriented resources; especially when you are more than aware how much easier drugs make any regular task.
To sum it up, I'm far from typical, I've made mistakes, and every day is a battle between making the right choices and focusing on sobriety to be there for my husband and children. It kills me to know how much my family means to me and that I have to focus so much of my energy and time to stay away from drugs, because I let the shit become more of a selfish, controlling priority rather than focus and choose them instead. I'll never stop loving them, but it's scary and sickening that I love getting high that there's even a possibility I'd choose that over them.
... uhm... I love trying to help people with their problems, even if I'm not personally in a position to advise even a random ass tree about life decisions. I'm 4 classes shy of an associate's degree in mechanical engineering technology, I love the natural flow of physics principals in our world, it's memorizing and mystical that, without any human manipulation, nature and life flows with specific, reoccurring rules and regularity. No choices to be made. No reason for deviations. No occurence meant to be second guessed. Purpose is evident and existence is necessary. I also like coloring, but more enjoy picking from 20 shades of one color to correlate just right amongst the other shades present.
Thanks! Sorry for the endless rambling...
