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    I feel like I have over stayed my welcome in this world 
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    I feel like I have over stayed my welcome in this world. I have tried commiting suicide a few times now and the last serious attempts have failed. Every time I survive I just see life for what it is had I never died and it isn't getting much better despite focussing on my sobriety.

    My anxiety and depression is shit house. I have seen a psychologist / counsellor off and on for 20 years now. I have currently support and have been on the meds for the last 9 years.

    Every time I try and do something positive my bi polar fucks me over and makes me want to go down hill and ruin everything. I've been doing this loop my whole life, I am now 33.

    I thought growing up and as I got maturer that this would become easier to deal with however it has gotten more difficult.

    If this is what I need to deal with for the next 30 - 40 years then I want out.

    I don't know where this is going but I am just fed up trying new things blah blah. I just want to feel normal
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    Bluelight Crew neversickanymore's Avatar
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    Like they say "keep it simple" noonoo. You have to find homeostasis in one of the most complex systems we are aware of, your mind and all it controls inside of you. What are you doing to heal yourself?
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    Quote Originally Posted by neversickanymore View Post
    Like they say "keep it simple" noonoo. You have to find homeostasis in one of the most complex systems we are aware of, your mind and all it controls inside of you. What are you doing to heal yourself?
    Abstaining from using drugs Seeing psych, seeing psychiatrist etc...
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    Quote Originally Posted by noonoo View Post
    I feel like I have over stayed my welcome in this world. I have tried commiting suicide a few times now and the last serious attempts have failed.
    You haven't - you feel that way because society is cruel, difficult; often bat-shit insane and is not going to lead you toward what is right for you; unless you genuinely listen to your needs and strengths and aspire to apreciate your good-Self and your worth - we all need help with this - noone can live as a lone being without support and feedback that understands them; good, bad and indifferent; in their essence and for the value of who they are. I don't know your story and can't judge it but this is definitely a basic right and value that is free and that you deserve, Noone.

    Every time I survive I just see life for what it is had I never died and it isn't getting much better despite focussing on my sobriety.
    It sounds like you may be dissaociating from yourself/your real experience of feeling (Painful ones); like you can not connect to your feelings...maybe this is the 'block' - the thing that makes you yearn to end it; from my own personal experience, and not to minimise how abjectfully painful this is, there is an actual event-horizon where this leads to a realization but any barrier in it's trajectory usually lies in the fact that the dark feelings ( i.e. whatever is objectionable to us) appear beyond palatable ( which is understandable; especially if you are being extremely hard on yourself). The shitty darkness can be a key to understanding how lightly to take this life- it can release you from taking the burden on yourself- if you choose to understand that you need some love for yourself; to let yourself hate the things you hate and not feel it infiltrate the core of your essential being.

    It can strike now and again but you will be ok because having seen your posts on BL you seem like a really fucking cool person.
    My anxiety and depression is shit house. I have seen a psychologist/ counselor off and on for 20 years now. I have currently support and have been on the meds for the last 9 years.
    It's a shit to deal with; they don't fix us but is this therapist right for you, or are you getting tough realizations ( they're the fucking best! ha! You got to go full MMA champion knocked-out ) - can you be honest with them; do you even trust them and if not, what is it about youre dynamic, that isn't working( or maybe it is, but its going through the dark stuff) - there is a dynamic here; they dont hold all the cards ( nor do we) - it's a projection thing, often. Unless you need a different therapist. It's important for you to evaluate what you think is going on with this - you have every right to do this.

    Every time I try and do something positive my bi polar fucks me over and makes me want to go down hill and ruin everything. I've been doing this loop my whole life, I am now 33.

    I thought growing up and as I got maturer that this would become easier to deal with however it has gotten more difficult.
    Perhaps it's got more difficult because you are now realizing the measure of things ( how you can't control some feelings/thoughts, and others that are seemingly alien are now yours to step-up to realize - that's always fucking terrifying imho) - being empowered is never easy and usually never feels like it should ( at the start); until you get stuck-in; dealing with problems often manifests as beyond overwhelming. It looks, to me, as if you see how fucked-up the mode is. The hardest part is having no strategy to deal with it. The empowering part is finding your own strategy ( and this is an exploritive experience based on your own intuition and smarts - trial and error but I rekon you are aware of the error part but you got to go easy on yourself; this is where your metal is tested - it's counter rational but pro-intuitive). Knowing ourselves and how we fuck things up for ourselves - is one of the hardest things to deal with, I rekon - its a thin line between escape and self-care; that is an ongoing reflective excercise. :/ We are irrational beings with rationality - managing that takes a lot of patience, much frustration and compassion.

    If this is what I need to deal with for the next 30 - 40 years then I want out.

    I don't know where this is going but I am just fed up trying new things blah blah. I just want to feel normal
    You are you - you just got to find the ways to fit-in to normal and the space to escape from normal; like every seeming 'normal' person does.
    Behavior is learnt.
    Being yourself; is an exploration.
    Juxtaposing the two is an art that is life-long.

    Wishing you the best, bud
    Last edited by Asclepius; 11-09-2018 at 01:09.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Asclepius View Post
    You haven't - you feel that way because society is cruel, difficult; often bat-shit insane and is not going to lead you toward what is right for you; unless you genuinely listen to your needs and strengths and aspire to apreciate your good-Self and your worth - we all need help with this - noone can live as a lone being without support and feedback that understands them; good, bad and indifferent; in their essence and for the value of who they are. I don't know your story and can't judge it but this is definitely a basic right and value that is free and that you deserve, Noone.


    It sounds like you may be dissaociating from yourself/your real experience of feeling (Painful ones); like you can not connect to your feelings...maybe this is the 'block' - the thing that makes you yearn to end it; from my own personal experience, and not to minimise how abjectfully painful this is, there is an actual event-horizon where this leads to a realization but any barrier in it's trajectory usually lies in the fact that the dark feelings ( i.e. whatever is objectionable to us) appear beyond palatable ( which is understandable; especially if you are being extremely hard on yourself). The shitty darkness can be a key to understanding how lightly to take this life- it can release you from taking the burden on yourself- if you choose to understand that you need some love for yourself; to let yourself hate the things you hate and not feel it infiltrate the core of your essential being.

    It can strike now and again but you will be ok because having seen your posts on BL you seem like a really fucking cool person.


    It's a shit to deal with; they don't fix us but is this therapist right for you, or are you getting tough realizations ( they're the fucking best! ha! You got to go full MMA champion knocked-out ) - can you be honest with them; do you even trust them and if not, what is it about youre dynamic, that isn't working( or maybe it is, but its going through the dark stuff) - there is a dynamic here; they dont hold all the cards ( nor do we) - it's a projection thing, often. Unless you need a different therapist. It's important for you to evaluate what you think is going on with this - you have every right to do this.


    Perhaps it's got more difficult because you are now realizing the measure of things ( how you can't control some feelings/thoughts, and others that are seemingly alien are now yours to step-up to realize - that's always fucking terrifying imho) - being empowered is never easy and usually never feels like it should ( at the start); until you get stuck-in; dealing with problems often manifests as beyond overwhelming. It looks, to me, as if you see how fucked-up the mode is. The hardest part is having no strategy to deal with it. The empowering part is finding your own strategy ( and this is an exploritive experience based on your own intuition and smarts - trial and error but I rekon you are aware of the error part but you got to go easy on yourself; this is where your metal is tested - it's counter rational but pro-intuitive). Knowing ourselves and how we fuck things up for ourselves - is one of the hardest things to deal with, I rekon - its a thin line between escape and self-care; that is an ongoing reflective excercise. :/ We are irrational beings with rationality - managing that takes a lot of patience, much frustration and compassion.



    You are you - you just got to find the ways to fit-in to normal and the space to escape from normal; like every seeming 'normal' person does.
    Behavior is learnt.
    Being yourself; is an exploration.
    Juxtaposing the two is an art that is life-long.

    Wishing you the best, bud
    Thanks for reading and listening I appreciate it.

    I have been very honest with my psych and psychiatrist, no beating around the bush. Unfortunately it has reached a point where we just keep on discussing the same topic. In the past it didn't help that I was drinking every day but now that I am not we are slowly getting some where.

    Let's see what the future holds.
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    #6
    hey have you tried the eastern way? are you open to or have you practiced a bit in things like yoga, meditation, chinese medicine? does it sound stupid to you but would you try it at least?

    psychologists can be great. what they often overlook however is that the mind is intrically connected to the body.

    there is a reason why seemingly lots of former addicts, people with depression, anxiety, be it because of shitty genetics or abuse mentally/physically, not only enjoy doing these things but actually benefit because of their real results.
    ------

    but also maybe you are one of those people who would greatly benefit by just smoking weed.


    dont kill yourself yet. always wait. tomorrow there could be revealed that magic is real and that they invented something to heal all that shitty stuff in a wink. you never know. and then you would look stupid. do you really want that? I tried to be funny, but I hope you get what I mean.
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    #7
    Bluelight Crew neversickanymore's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by noonoo View Post
    I feel like I have over stayed my welcome in this world. I have tried commiting suicide a few times now and the last serious attempts have failed. Every time I survive I just see life for what it is had I never died and it isn't getting much better despite focussing on my sobriety.

    My anxiety and depression is shit house. I have seen a psychologist / counsellor off and on for 20 years now. I have currently support and have been on the meds for the last 9 years.

    Every time I try and do something positive my bi polar fucks me over and makes me want to go down hill and ruin everything. I've been doing this loop my whole life, I am now 33.

    I thought growing up and as I got maturer that this would become easier to deal with however it has gotten more difficult.

    If this is what I need to deal with for the next 30 - 40 years then I want out.

    I don't know where this is going but I am just fed up trying new things blah blah. I just want to feel normal

    In my opinion and exspieriece, the bi polar cycle consists of two interlinked parts. The parts are both determined by and determinant over each other. Cognition is both determined by and determines our emotional exspieriece. Our emotion exspieriece is both determined by and determines our thoughts. A negative input by either feature and the other is negatively affected. A positive input from either feature and the other is positively affected. Because, both cognition and emotion are determinant and affected, interplay can cause rapid fluctuation in our perception and resultant exspieriece of life.

    A negative thought can spring forth negative emotion that incubates negative thought that breeds more negative emotion spiraling us virulently into an extremely negative existence filled with depression and anxiety. The negative thoughts create negative emotions that promote more negative thoughts; This self feeding circuit drives a rapid downward spiral to the familiar low.

    The same process works on the jump to the highs.


    So what do we have control over. Emotion is wielded by the subconscious. Our conscience mind controls much our perceived thought. Polar opposite thinking, sometimes referred to as black or white thinking is at the root of bi polar driving cognition.

    In an attempt to reign in the dramatic shifts you have suffered from consider working to change in the underlying cognition that you can consciously effect. As a start begin to eliminate judgment of "Good or Bad" from everything. People and especially addicts do this so routinely. Its primitive and can be consciously changed. It's a large root to the bipolar exspieriece and addiction resultant thinking.


    Our life is what our thoughts make it. Marcus Aurelius
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    #8
    i know it seems tripe for yoy rn but... it gets better i got off mens and 2 years later i feel amazing , im normal , im like those normal fucks you see all around you ... idk what to tell you i balanced out after struggling with depression and substances and mood for 16 or so years thats fro the age 14 till now im 30 and ok .... im glad i didnt give up on recovery ... leaning about myself and how to function was harder than the actuall witdraw part of it .... it will get better ... but you gotta try everyday . everyday . as simple as getting a dog to spend time with... i mean hell sometimes ppl just suck
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    #9
    Bluelighter madness00's Avatar
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    noonoo - I too am Bipolar, so i understand how feelings can shift dramatically and quickly. Like you, i struggle with poly-substance abuse, gambling, and a nagging subconscious.

    Are you on medication, or not?

    Either way, and on top of what has been said, i will never know what it is like to be you.

    I wish i did.

    Maybe the best we can do is become closer, in hopes of finding some sort of attachment to this world.

    And i always find that new experiences help, too. Traveling, meeting new people, etc.

    Peace.
    Last edited by madness00; 16-09-2018 at 15:54.
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    #10
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    NooNoo--life can be exhausting indeed sometimes but you have not "overstayed" anything. I can only imagine how much the bipolar repetitions defeat you and because this is outside of my experience I won't try to offer anything specific to that aspect of the pain you are experiencing. But I can say this--there have been patterns in my life that I never expected to be free of--debilitating anxiety for one--and through experiences that should have by all rights worsened them, they have transformed. Life can be pretty mysterious and at this point (old age for me) I treasure the unexpected more than anything else. At one of my lowest points ever I tried to turn from what wasn't working (psychiatry, humans in general) and rely more on what did make me feel good (bonds with my animals, solo excursions into nature, travel to wildly different places) and in a way it was stepping out of a river I had been swept along in since birth and climbing up a ridge and finding another river flowing in the exact opposite direction and jumping in. I don't know what it is that gives you moments of peace or tranquility or even happiness but whatever it is, pay close attention to it and get curious about why it offers those feelings to you.

    I hope you feel better today.(())
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