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rehab- how to choose

I'm glad you find my insights helpful. It wasn't long ago when I was fairly oblivious to myself and my own problems. It seems like you would benefit a lot from cognitive behavioral therapy, which is a great way of exposing cognitive distortions and correcting them. It's a fairly simple concept that has had pretty big implications on my life. I feel much more in control of my emotions rather than feeling like other people are pulling the strings.

Fear of failure is something that is commonly talked about, but I think among people of higher caliber it is common to fear success. I know I find comfort in tossing away responsibilities and pressures to become something greater. In my mind, there is relief in being a fuck up. There is also comfort in routine, even if you hate it. It is one of the reasons people stay in bad relationships- it may suck but it more comfortable than the potential unknown. I think it is for this reason that change is rarely comfortable, although it can be exhilarating with the right mind set.

And I think we all deserve another chance. I just try to help in ways that I know I needed help when I was in a similar place.
 
Mafioso said:
It seems like you would benefit a lot from cognitive behavioral therapy, which is a great way of exposing cognitive distortions and correcting them. It's a fairly simple concept that has had pretty big implications on my life. I feel much more in control of my emotions rather than feeling like other people are pulling the strings.

....

I think among people of higher caliber it is common to fear success. I know I find comfort in tossing away responsibilities and pressures to become something greater. In my mind, there is relief in being a fuck up. There is also comfort in routine, even if you hate it.

...

And I think we all deserve another chance. I just try to help in ways that I know I needed help when I was in a similar place.
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i had cbt as a teenager and found it frustrating because it shows you exactly how you're being irrational, but you're still left with the feeling. it does nothing to address the underlying cause of whatever fucked upness it helps clarify. but i think in conjunction with working on the deeper problem, and with the maturity of being double the age, it could help. I found cognitive analytical therapy very helpful for getting to the route causes of why i'm so terrible at interacting with people.

i am somewhat flattered at your implication that i'm a higher caliber person. i used to crave success so badly and pushed myself so hard to achieve really monumental things. it was always driven by fear and feelings of inadequacy. i needed pieces of paper that say i did this stupidly hard mastered or enough original research in that field. and then not just a decent paying job, i needed a hard job, and eventually got onto the best team in the world at what they did (and what they do is not easy). i needed to be so much better than everyone else at certain things, things people could see, to make up for the fact that if they could just see inside my head, they'd realise how much worse i was. but no amount of success was enough, and in the end having people expect so highly of me got harder and harder to cope with. and knowing my coping mechanisms made me a scumbag in front of my colleagues and successful friends made me hate myself so much, it added an extra dimension to the burden of being a heroin addict.

i'v felt so relieved these last few months, because for the first time ever, i've not had to pretend i'm ok. i truly don't know how i've held it together so long.

and thanks- you really have helped. this is something the videos you posted about N/AA in your other thread misses- people who've been there can help in ways that people who haven't never can. another good aspect of the rehab i'm going to is that a lot of the staff, whilst professionally qualified, are ex addicts.





i'm so tense and nervous. i refused to get out of bed till 6 today. but i have to pack. argh.
 
As someone who has been through rehab 8 times, I got to where I looked at it like summer camp. Yes, I honestly had fun in treatment after the initial detoxing.

Best wishes to you!

Peace&Love,
jasper

 "Nothing is as good as it seems, and nothing is as bad as it seems. Somewhere in between lies realty." -- Lou Holtz
 
you had fun?!?!??!??

i'll be having at least 5 hours of therapy- in different formats, with daily 1-1 with modality based on my personal needs, group. it sounds exhausting!! i feel drained enough after 1 hour if i've actually been open and honest instead of people pleasing the therapist or not really engaging, and i intend to engage.


did it work for you in the end jasper? and what went wrong the first 7 times? how do you think the rehab should have been different? what should you have done differently?

i'd be really grateful if you could share more about your experience, so i can hopefully learn something and not need to go 8 times myself.



i'm packed and ready to go now, which reduced my tension, now feel numb, which is what my brain does when it can't cope. just puts the emotions in a box that i can't access until it feels its in a place where they can be released. and i've been helping it along with that with, but hopefully not any more.
 
My ex girlfriend called it summer camp. You can only take it seriously so many times imo. It depends on the facilities atmosphere too. I would say the vast majority of the rehabs in the US are a joke. It turns into a revolving door for people in there early 20s with insurance.
 
yeah american system seems a joke. if you've got insurance and parents want you to go i guess, mixed with unethical rehabs who will accept anyone- i don't really think they should accept people who haven't come to the decision themselves unless they are endangering themselves in some extreme manner.

leaving in bout 40 mins.

scared.

about to llose all control over my life.
 
First 2 times: In my 20's, not at all serious about it.
Next 4 times: Serious, but my follow-through varied. Stayed sober 1 year, 6 months, 3 years, 1 year. Best sobriety was with after care, halfway house, daily meetings.
8th time: Finally thoroughly convinced that I cannot do this alone. After care (1 month), 4-5 meetings per week, talk to someone in recovery at least once a day.

I didn't learn anything new the last 5 times; I went primarily for detox. For me, it's staying connected with recovering people that matters most.

Peace&Love,
jasper
 
Sorry I wasn't there to see you off, Chinup, but I look forward to seeing you when you're back and hearing about your experience.

I guess to outsiders, there must seem like there is a bit of a summer camp experience in involved, since they have to give you something other than to talk about and contemplate recovery, otherwise everyone would go bat shit. My ex has that idea since I have a tie-dye shirt I made on July 4, and another year I was locked up on Easter so art therapy was to make these giant, decorated Easter eggs. But consider that the fun stuff was .0001% of the time. All prohibited personal electronics and I'd say half even prohibited books on topics other than recovery. So no pleasure reading. One, on top the reading restrictions, also kept us from watching anything other than the news or recovery related material. I've seen "My Name is Bill W." so much I could do a Mystery Science Theater version of it (not that it's a bad movie - James Woods is a pretty compelling Bill Wilson). And summer camp also conjures up imagines of beautiful scenery and nature. Not the University of Florida Psych Hospital and one of the others had all the aesthetic appeal of 1980s elementary school building. It seemed like some kind of uninspired freshman drafting project.

JK - so true that it's close to impossible to do this alone. Which is why I'm in my current condition now. I'm a loner by nature (I work as a mathematician) and find people trite and irritating. It's probably what you would call a character defect on my part, but that's how it is. Don't really know what to do about it. Also have paralyzing social anxiety and walking into a room full of strangers gives me extreme dysphoria. And at a lot of meetings, people aren't exactly doing stuff to make the newcomer comfortable. We may have to just agree to disagree on that, but that is my experience.
 
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I've been to 5 rehabs and 6 psychiatric hospitals for drug induced psychosis thus far. some Five-star rehab resorts with butlers on call 24/7 and also some manual labour concentration camp ones. None have worked so far...
 
aihfl said:
Sorry I wasn't there to see you off, Chinup, but I look forward to seeing you when you're back and hearing about your experience.

I guess to outsiders, there must seem like there is a bit of a summer camp experience in involved, since they have to give you something other than to talk about and contemplate recovery, otherwise everyone would go bat shit. My ex has that idea since I have a tie-dye shirt I made on July 4, and another year I was locked up on Easter so art therapy was to make these giant, decorated Easter eggs. But consider that the fun stuff was .0001% of the time. All prohibited personal electronics and I'd say half even prohibited books on topics other than recovery. So no pleasure reading. One, on top the reading restrictions, also kept us from watching anything other than the news or recovery related material. I've seen "My Name is Bill W." so much I could do a Mystery Science Theater version of it (not that it's a bad movie - James Woods is a pretty compelling Bill Wilson). And summer camp also conjures up imagines of beautiful scenery and nature. Not the University of Florida Psych Hospital and one of the others had all the aesthetic appeal of 1980s elementary school building. It seemed like some kind of uninspired freshman drafting project.

JK - so true that it's close to impossible to do this alone. Which is why I'm in my current condition now. I'm a loner by nature (I work as a mathematician) and find people trite and irritating. It's probably what you would call a character defect on my part, but that's how it is. Don't really know what to do about it. Also have paralyzing social anxiety and walking into a room full of strangers gives me extreme dysphoria. And at a lot of meetings, people aren't exactly doing stuff to make the newcomer comfortable. We may have to just agree to disagree on that, but that is my experience.
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Alot of Truth in this post. I think the boredom is the thing i remember most about all my rehab experiences. I really think disallowing solo entertainment options like the internet and books is counterproductive. Lonelyness and boredom is a big driver of relapse in alot of people. Most people build social lives around drugs. This successful early recovery involves slot of time spent alone at home. Yet almost all your time in rehab is spent around a group of people. I think alot of people get caught off guard by the sudden return of individual time the first month out of rehab. It's just you and your thoughts alot of time.
 
thanks all for your input.... its my first time with my computer since i got in, and i only have it 20 more mins so gotta be quick but just wanted to thank everyone for their input, i have read it but don't have time to reply properly.

its up and down, i was feeling great last week and positive. was a ball of rage this morning. apparently you store drugs in your subcutaneous fat and even though i've gained weight like a mofo i'm still feeling a bit icky from them apparently being flushed out of my system. well, we reap what we sow.

aihfl- ace you're a mathematician!! i did a masters in mathematical logic and computing foundations then a phd in theoretical quantum computing. clearly brains aren't all we need in life.....
 
Dr. Chinup, best of luck to you. I found the link to the place you're going to and I would have given a left testicle to go to a place like that. The bulk of my treatment experiences have been at rehabs connected to teaching hospitals - care was for the most part competent, but not the most inspiring surroundings.

I started off as an accountant, which led to graduate work in applied statistics, which got me interested in the history of mathematics so my phd is actually in history. If I was a man of leisure, I would do a phd in pure mathematics. I'm not so interested anymore in the practical applications of number crunching as I am the endlessly fascinating properties and patterns found in numbers. I did my phd at the Florida State University where Paul Dirac taught for the last decade of his life. The science library is named in his honor and his remains were interred at Tallahassee's Roselawn Cemetery.

I have met a lot of brilliant people in rehabs. Ace attorneys (barristers to you guys), medical doctors, airline pilots, coders, people at the top of a variety of professions. Not being a naturally garrulous person, there's little that appeals to me about AA, but the level of educational attainment I've encountered in rehab and at 12 step meetings is higher than average. The biggest reason meetings aren't more appealing to me is I am on the autism spectrum as well (what would have been called Asperger's in the past) and am moderately agoraphobic.
 
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Proud of you chinup, and happy to hear an update from you!!!

Be extra kind and patient with yourself, you're going through a lot. Very proud of you!


We are all here to love and support you.

Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.
chinup said:
thanks all for your input.... its my first time with my computer since i got in, and i only have it 20 more mins so gotta be quick but just wanted to thank everyone for their input, i have read it but don't have time to reply properly.

its up and down, i was feeling great last week and positive. was a ball of rage this morning. apparently you store drugs in your subcutaneous fat and even though i've gained weight like a mofo i'm still feeling a bit icky from them apparently being flushed out of my system. well, we reap what we sow.

aihfl- ace you're a mathematician!! i did a masters in mathematical logic and computing foundations then a phd in theoretical quantum computing. clearly brains aren't all we need in life.....
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^EPL thanks!! its harder this week cos last week i was all hyped about recovery and this week i'm like fuck i can never use heroin again fuck fuck fuck. i was successful on heroin its crack that brought me to my knees, but that makes it insidious.

F.U.B.A.R. said:
I seriously believe that intelligence is a curse that predisposes one to self destructive behaviour.
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i do too- but have been told at least for depression its more common in people of low socio-economic status.

aihfl said:
Dr. Chinup, best of luck to you. I found the link to the place you're going to and I would have given a left testicle to go to a place like that.

..

If I was a man of leisure, I would do a phd in pure mathematics.... . I did my phd at the Florida State University where Paul Dirac taught for the last decade of his life. The science library is named in his honor and his remains were interred at Tallahassee's Roselawn Cemetery.

...
the level of educational attainment I've encountered in rehab and at 12 step meetings is higher than average. The biggest reason meetings aren't more appealing to me is I am on the autism spectrum as well (what would have been called Asperger's in the past) and am moderately agoraphobic.
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thanks, i know i'm so lucky, i have to pay the costs back to my parents and generally intend to. people towards the end of the program say its really helped them, and everyone is lovely which helps, having only 5 of us mean we form a bond.

i love the history of maths!! and physics. if i were a lady of leisure i'd do a phd in foundations and philosophy of quantum mechanics.

i went to bristol uni, Diracs home town, so loads was named after him. he is a fucking legend!!

i'm sorry you find 12 step meetings hard, i'm going to find them a vital resource. my parents think i'm somewhere on the abnormal end of the spectrum, or that there's something or other wrong with me psychiatrically and that's what causes my problems and being a loner and doing esoteric maths/physics/computer science is pretty classic for autism so i can see why they think so. i hope to get an assessment here because if i am i'd like to know and know what it entails so i can deal with it appropriately.

they took me for a sexual health test today so i get to find out in 5-7 days if i've truly fucked my life by charging an extra 30 quid (4 shots) to do it without a condom- i'm glad i'll still be here for the results
 
Dr. C. Yes, Dirac is a legend! I can't even begin to comprehend how such a brilliant mind even works! What I focused on in phd research though was how the "Dark Ages" really weren't. There was still plenty of scholarship taking place in monastic communities, even if it was based on empirical evidence since a scientific method had largely yet to be developed.

I hope you get the appropriate neuro-psych testing while you're there. It looks like a killer facility. When I was a college undergrad, the main library stacks (I found a way to sneak in - only faculty and graduate students were supposed to have access) were almost Medieval. 10 levels of low ceilings, the old cast iron shelving, almost dungeon-like lighting, musty smell...I would wander around in the stacks for hours just picking random books off shelves and reading whatever caught my eye. A definite sign of my agoraphobic and antisocial tendencies, in hindsight. But I would be the last person to discourage the use of 12 step if one finds it valuable.

I'll leave you with this photo I snapped back during my student days:
20fazhz.jpg
 
Yes!! and in the middle east but we conveniently forget the role of the islamic world.

apparently the psychiatrist thing is in hand, so we'll see... and yes that does sound quite autistic.

i'm finding it really hard, essentially i'm not sure i'm ready to give up heroin. i'm fine with the idea of never smoking crack again cos it destroyed me so comprehensively, and so quickly. but if i go back to dark light will always be available and i'm not sure i'd cope with the constant temptation. i feel like i've got to a point in group where i'm just repeating myself and not going any deeper. i have a lot of pain from my childhood and sexual violence in my 20s that i feel like i'd lose my humanity to give up. but i lost my humanity debasing myself with drugs. but i'm sorta like 'no wonder i like painkillers, fuck i actually need them'
 
Maintenance is always an option. I got on methadone for 3 years when I quit heroin and it was a godsend. Took away all the cravings. Then this year I tapered down and jumped to Suboxone. Now I'm trying to taper off of it to abstinence. Alot of people can't go straight from opiates to sober and there's no shame in that. At least give maintenance a try before you get back on heroin
 
i'm reluctant for maintenance cos in the UK once you've abused opiates its very difficult to get appropriate pain medication. i have an injury that my surgeon told me i would have arthritis in by now so i'm really scared of being consigned to a life of pain. BUT if i can't stay clean i'll have to consider it cos heroin addiction is a life of pain. thanks for the insight though, it is really useful to hear other peoples experiences and tbh i'd never considered it and you have made me realise i should take it as an option if i can't stay clean


i've had a truly awful day. my mum has been massively invading my privacy and has been asking about stuff from months ago that she knows the answer to so i can't see why she would other than to make me feel guilty. how the fuck is that useful? i may have fucked my life up but i'm not a fucking child.
 
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