• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

rehab- how to choose

i've had a truly awful day. my mum has been massively invading my privacy and has been asking about stuff from months ago that she knows the answer to so i can't see why she would other than to make me feel guilty. how the fuck is that useful? i may have fucked my life up but i'm not a fucking child.
I had a similar conversation with my mother this morning and I'm fucking 44 years old. I wish I had advice for you. If you have any for me, it would be most welcome.
 
Keep in mind that methadone is a painkiller.

Peace&Love,
jasper

true- still scared. i don't really know how painful arthritis is all i know is that i have a strong natural tolerance to opiates and if i broke my back or something i'm not having a fucking paracetamol when most people in the Uk would be given morphine or fentanyl. but i don't know if that's the addict in me speaking. when i smashed my elbow the morphine did very little for the pain, sent me to sleep thank fuck, but i can't imagine how awful going through something like that without strong painkillers.


I had a similar conversation with my mother this morning and I'm fucking 44 years old. I wish I had advice for you. If you have any for me, it would be most welcome.

well i've been bitching about it in therapy and to anyone who will listen, essentially we need to calmly explain to our mothers that we are in recovery, we have done bad shit in the past, but guilt shame and resentment are a fast route to relapse (i've been brainwashed by NA!!) and that their behaviours are triggering that. as we are committed to not relapsing, we need them not to behave in ways that foster such feelings. and then they need to fucking respect it. and the conversation needs to be had with no anger no tears so fuck knows really.

its affecting my recovery in here. i've started censoring my journal and notes cos she'll read it. i've wasted the last 2 days therapy cos i'm so angry. its not just about now its also that she fostered some of the feelings that caused me to be walked all over my entire life, and to care so little for myself that i ended up like this.

i'm starting to feel like i've hit a wall and this is pointless cos if i don't relapse i'll commit suicide or go away and never come back, which will foster guilt and shame and therefore relapse. so whats the fucking point? if i'd brought my bank card i'd have done one already.

everyone tells you 'just get to rehab' they don't tell you how fucking hard it is. and this is just the beginning. i have to repair what i have broken. and rebuild my life. i have never even wanted to be alive. argh fuck fuck fuck.
 
I wish I could offer you advice, but all I can offer are words of comfort and telling you I know your feelings exactly. I've never been one for journaling, so I don't have to worry about her invading my privacy that way. On one visit when she showed up unannounced (she lives a 13-14 hour drive away), she insisted that we go see my psychiatrist and therapist together and I actually had to make the phone call to the office to prove to her once and for all that appointments have to be scheduled well in advance. There's a reason I schedule my therapy appts one month ahead of time and the psychiatrist appts 3 months in advance. I did once give her a copy of one of my inpatient treatment records that reflected that a lot of my problems were because of her abuse as a young child and that shut her up for a while, but we're back to square one. She's just always going to be one of these people that thinks this is some sort of personal failing and not a psychological/psychiatric problem, which is ironic considering her background is in clinical psychology. She also has a lot of unmedicated psychiatric issues herself.

I will offer just one piece of advice FWIW. At least give a fair try to whatever medications your psychiatrist there recommends. It took about seven years of trial and error to finally figure out an appropriate medication regimen for me, and that was only after extensive (months long) neuro-psychological testing. As I told my mother, I don't know if I'll relapse or not, but I damn sure know the chances of a relapse would be much greater if I wasn't medicated and felt worse than I do on meds.

I had to listen to someone blather on yesterday in an AA meeting (the primary reason I went is one of my closer AA friends is moving to Miami next week) about the evils of medication/maintenance. That kind of talk used to make me bristle, but the principles of AA and NA date from a time when the only "treatment" was self-imposed abstinence. I hope one day treatment catches up with science and medicine, but I'm already middle age and I doubt I'll see it in my lifetime.

EDIT: I hope you have an open-minded doctor, as part of my treatment regiment includes controlled medications such as Adderall and lorazepam, medications a lot of doctors won't prescribe someone who had substance abuse issues. But the number of times I've had to go to the hospital because of Adderall: 0. The number of times I've had to go to the hospital because of lorazepam when alcohol WASN'T involved: 0.
 
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Man I can relate so much to what your saying. Especially the not wanting to be alive anyway. That said keep in mind your brain chemistry is really screwed up right now so those intensity of those feelings will probably subside a bit with time.

Rehab is hard and your right it's only the beginning. If this shit was easy the relapse rate wouldn't be 90+ percent.

Hang in there your doing well just by being there and engaging. All you can do is take it as it comes.
 
Chin up, you know that scene in kill bill where o ren is hi I cuts the fellas head off coz he's been muttering about her heritage? You've gotta go all out o ren ishi I vibe when anyone tries to bring up your past as a negative. Just cut em out and down with an... I've moved far forward from there now. No need to talk about the past unless that's where you wish me to remain. Practise it while you have time. It makes sense.
 
hey guys…. well i’m now over 2 weeks clean of all substances, i’ve not done that in 16 years, and i’m not crawling up the walls anymore but fuck i’m tired. before i came here clean to me was not using light or dark, not actually being clean. i’ll get my 30 day keyring from NA and deserve it, something i’ve thought completely impossible. not sure if i’ll make it to 60 days unless i’m still in here.

it turns out i’m autistic, though very high functioning, and have issues due to disrupted attachment- being in an ICU when i was born cos i was premature then my mum’s dad dying as soon as i got out- and complex trauma. it didn’t occur to me, having been raped over 50 times, then a year after that stopped my ex tried to strangle me on 2 occasions, that that could constitute trauma. so all in all i kinda forgive myself a bit for getting into the situation i did.

i feel like i’ve made my first honest relationships ever in here. that’s really helped my mood.

aihfl - thanks for your advice, so far they haven’t prescribed me anything- i convinced them that being depressed when i’ve so comprehensively destroyed my life and have so much work to do is a healthy emotional reaction. if they do prescribe me anything i’ll keep an open mind. i have a much more in depth autism screen to do that involves talking to my parents so i’ll see the psychiatrist again when that’s done.

Man I can relate so much to what your saying. Especially the not wanting to be alive anyway. That said keep in mind your brain chemistry is really screwed up right now so those intensity of those feelings will probably subside a bit with time.

Rehab is hard and your right it's only the beginning. If this shit was easy the relapse rate wouldn't be 90+ percent.

thanks. sorry you're feeling shit too. the feelings have subsided this week, i just need to not think about the future. though i've had a lot of outbursts of anger. mostly at this place. that's a fucking depressing statistic. though to be fair the rehospitalisation rate for anorexia is over 50% in the first year and i dodged that bullet.


No need to talk about the past unless that's where you wish me to remain.

this is what i'm trying to explain to my mum...

re the actual thread title- get information as specifically as possible and write it down and date it- ideally get answers to questions over email. i had to threaten legal action against this place because i was initially given 1 1-1 a week, despite being told i'd get, and having a genuine theraputic need for, more
 
looks like i'm staying in rehab at least another month after the first month is up. though they've offered me to move to a way way cheaper location and would be able to go home at the weekend and take some responsibility for my life. nice as it is here it does feel like a fucking prison now and i'm not sure how to not let it get me down if i have to spend another month so confined. i don't remember noticing this at all in anorexia ip. and given that when i was using i never left my room unless i had to, and we get an outing a day here, it shouldn't be so bad.

i really need the extra time but feel like a fuckup cos no one else i've met here has needed extra time in residential.
 
You are most definitely NOT a fuck up, so what if you need extra time, everyone works on their own timeline. I am just so proud of you for being there and hanging in there.

Just be extra kind and patient with yourself ok? You are doing really important things that will change the course of your life for the better.

Very proud of you, I am here for you and feel free to pm me if you'd like.

Much love and support to you ,
your friend,
Ash.


i really need the extra time but feel like a fuckup cos no one else i've met here has needed extra time in residential.
 
Take an of the extra time. It takes awhile for your brain chemistry to start getting back to homeostasis. That confined feeling is probably being amplified by PAWS. But I do know what your saying about feeling confined. I could never get used to in patient like some people seem to. Hell some people seem to enjoy it. Wierd
 
true- still scared. i don't really know how painful arthritis is all i know is that i have a strong natural tolerance to opiates and if i broke my back or something i'm not having a fucking paracetamol when most people in the Uk would be given morphine or fentanyl. but i don't know if that's the addict in me speaking. when i smashed my elbow the morphine did very little for the pain, sent me to sleep thank fuck, but i can't imagine how awful going through something like that without strong painkillers.




well i've been bitching about it in therapy and to anyone who will listen, essentially we need to calmly explain to our mothers that we are in recovery, we have done bad shit in the past, but guilt shame and resentment are a fast route to relapse (i've been brainwashed by NA!!) and that their behaviours are triggering that. as we are committed to not relapsing, we need them not to behave in ways that foster such feelings. and then they need to fucking respect it. and the conversation needs to be had with no anger no tears so fuck knows really.

its affecting my recovery in here. i've started censoring my journal and notes cos she'll read it. i've wasted the last 2 days therapy cos i'm so angry. its not just about now its also that she fostered some of the feelings that caused me to be walked all over my entire life, and to care so little for myself that i ended up like this.

i'm starting to feel like i've hit a wall and this is pointless cos if i don't relapse i'll commit suicide or go away and never come back, which will foster guilt and shame and therefore relapse. so whats the fucking point? if i'd brought my bank card i'd have done one already.

everyone tells you 'just get to rehab' they don't tell you how fucking hard it is. and this is just the beginning. i have to repair what i have broken. and rebuild my life. i have never even wanted to be alive. argh fuck fuck fuck.
I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. It helped me have a conversation that needed to be had with my own mother.
 
well this thread is turning into a diary of my rehab. hey ho. i'm sitting here crying my eyes out listening to journey to the end of the east bay cos i remember when i was 16 my ex, we were together at the time, covering it with his band. he sang and played the bass and probably murdered it but i thought he was a fucking god. so massive nostalgia for a simpler time before i comprehensively destroyed him then myself. he came to visit today. i should have married him instead of choosing drugs.

my parents came too and wouldn't even buy me a fucking 60p chocolate bar cos apparently i have to learn to take no for an answer. i'm in a place with no chocolate bars or cake or any sugary stuff at all, no caffeine, no escape cos its the middle of nowhere. i've been accepting no as the fucking default. well except for stealing teabags from fellowship meetings, my ex brought me some today too so now i have enough for a cup of real tea every morning till i leave. what a fucking low. hiding stolen/contraband teabags.

it was difficult with my mum. its got me back to feeling hopeless and trapped and like i wanna die cos i can't go home without hating myself and my life, but i'm financially dependent on my parents, so i have to. all the future holds is fucking bleakness. i know that projection is useless, well worse, completely counterproductive, but when its right in your face on visits its hard not to.

i've learned so much here about why i am the way i am. but i'm still fucking me. crying cos i didn't get a fucking chocolate bar and for what should have been, and wrapped up in self pity cos i have to face the consequences of my actions.

Take an of the extra time. It takes awhile for your brain chemistry to start getting back to homeostasis. That confined feeling is probably being amplified by PAWS. But I do know what your saying about feeling confined. I could never get used to in patient like some people seem to. Hell some people seem to enjoy it. Wierd

glad you get it. and yeah you're probably right, that would explain the difference- as would being on clonazepam 3 times a day in the anorexia place. i'd do anything for that script right now. so i'm definitely not ready to leave.

You are doing really important things that will change the course of your life for the better.

thanks. and i truly hope so. i'm back to feeling utter despair and hopelessness.

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. It helped me have a conversation that needed to be had with my own mother.

yay!! glad it helped. i haven't had mine yet, s how did it go?
 
i'm in a place with no chocolate bars or cake or any sugary stuff at all, no caffeine, no escape cos its the middle of nowhere. i've been accepting no as the fucking default. well except for stealing teabags from fellowship meetings, my ex brought me some today too so now i have enough for a cup of real tea every morning till i leave. what a fucking low. hiding stolen/contraband teabags.
Really? Wow. I thought I saw a picture of an afternoon tea service on the website you shared with us.

chinup said:
yay!! glad it helped. i haven't had mine yet, s how did it go?
Actually, it was surprisingly effective. We haven't had an irritating game of 20 questions since.
 
Hello hon,

Well that sounds like a totally shitty day, I'd cry too if I couldn't even have a chocolate bar after being through all you're going through!! I get it.

Not much to say except we love you here, and you know we are all here for you, you can count on us for love and support. Whatever you're going through and will go through, we've got you.

Much love and support and a hug too.
Feel free to pm me anytime,
your friend,
Ash.


P.S, tomorrow's going to be way better for you I just know it!!!



well this thread is turning into a diary of my rehab. hey ho. i'm sitting here crying my eyes out listening to journey to the end of the east bay cos i remember when i was 16 my ex, we were together at the time, covering it with his band. he sang and played the bass and probably murdered it but i thought he was a fucking god. so massive nostalgia for a simpler time before i comprehensively destroyed him then myself. he came to visit today. i should have married him instead of choosing drugs.

my parents came too and wouldn't even buy me a fucking 60p chocolate bar cos apparently i have to learn to take no for an answer. i'm in a place with no chocolate bars or cake or any sugary stuff at all, no caffeine, no escape cos its the middle of nowhere. i've been accepting no as the fucking default. well except for stealing teabags from fellowship meetings, my ex brought me some today too so now i have enough for a cup of real tea every morning till i leave. what a fucking low. hiding stolen/contraband teabags.

it was difficult with my mum. its got me back to feeling hopeless and trapped and like i wanna die cos i can't go home without hating myself and my life, but i'm financially dependent on my parents, so i have to. all the future holds is fucking bleakness. i know that projection is useless, well worse, completely counterproductive, but when its right in your face on visits its hard not to.

i've learned so much here about why i am the way i am. but i'm still fucking me. crying cos i didn't get a fucking chocolate bar and for what should have been, and wrapped up in self pity cos i have to face the consequences of my actions.



glad you get it. and yeah you're probably right, that would explain the difference- as would being on clonazepam 3 times a day in the anorexia place. i'd do anything for that script right now. so i'm definitely not ready to leave.



thanks. and i truly hope so. i'm back to feeling utter despair and hopelessness.



yay!! glad it helped. i haven't had mine yet, s how did it go?
 
That all sounds kinda extreme. I think you should look into sober living options when you get out. Going home to your parents house is a recipe for disaster. At the very least it's a step backwards. You need to sustain this momentum and use treatment as a stepping stone to independence
 
Really? Wow. I thought I saw a picture of an afternoon tea service on the website you shared with us.


Actually, it was surprisingly effective. We haven't had an irritating game of 20 questions since.

It'll be with decaf tea/coffee or at another facility- the rules aren't completely consistent across sites. We have had scones with clotted cream a few times. We're allowed cake etc if its not bought. so either the chef makes it or we do. I've not done any baking cos I've been too tired most of the time.

Glad it went well!! Gives me courage though i'm still putting it off cos i've had someone use the threat of suicide to manipulate me and even though it genuinely is making me want to die I need to be in a place where I definitely won't accidentally blurt that out.

P.S, tomorrow's going to be way better for you I just know it!!!

thanks so much for your support. sometimes some kind words of encouragement are just what's needed. and today was better. we went to reformer pilates, and endorphins are the only high i get now i've left the opiates and my dopamine receptors are still fucked. then got juice after, but cos 2 people have left and not been replaced yet, and our package is for drinks for everyone, there were 2 spare so i got a cup of real tea!!!

i really never knew what a raging tea addiction i have. i know its partly cos its literally the only thing i'm allowed now.

That all sounds kinda extreme. I think you should look into sober living options when you get out. Going home to your parents house is a recipe for disaster. At the very least it's a step backwards. You need to sustain this momentum and use treatment as a stepping stone to independence

i absolutely plan to. though my mum will probably not want me to cos she'll be concerned about the clientele. thats part of why i'm at such a fancy rehab, she didn't want me with hardened crims or women who'd had babies taken away. i find it hilarious cos some of the support workers did seriously bad shit before they got clean, and ones had 4 children taken away. but those who've been through the wars are brilliant cos they understand, when they say 'i was like you, i just could not stop using,' i believe them, and believe in recovery more for it.

22 days clean today. its been fucking awful but not as bad as i thought. no crack cravings at all. dark is a different matter. last night i was back to my default stance, heroin or suicide (to steal a leftover crack song title). i just can't believe someone can go through what i have and not hurt without strong painkillers.
 
Yay I'm so happy that today was better for you hon!!! That makes me really happy for you, I was thinking of you and wondering how you were.

Sounds like you're doing really well there and you have a good attitude, that will carry you far in life.



thanks so much for your support. sometimes some kind words of encouragement are just what's needed. and today was better. we went to reformer pilates, and endorphins are the only high i get now i've left the opiates and my dopamine receptors are still fucked. then got juice after, but cos 2 people have left and not been replaced yet, and our package is for drinks for everyone, there were 2 spare so i got a cup of real tea!!!

i really never knew what a raging tea addiction i have. i know its partly cos its literally the only thing i'm allowed now.




22 days clean today. its been fucking awful but not as bad as i thought. no crack cravings at all. dark is a different matter. last night i was back to my default stance, heroin or suicide (to steal a leftover crack song title). i just can't believe someone can go through what i have and not hurt without strong painkillers.

And 22 days is awesome!! Congratulations, keep posting too, I love to hear how you're doing!

Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.
 
thanks!! i'm feeling much much more positive today. I had my first session of EMDR and it was amazing. I cried a lot but now I feel really refreshed, and it made some stuff make sense to me. Its weird cos your brain goes to seemingly random places, and you're like 'what on earth do my friends from manchester have to do with my scared still at 4 years old' and then BAM, it clicks.

its comforting to hear you think i have a good attitude. cos i've been really worried cos i'm here essentially here to avoid being homeless, i'm not sure if not wanting the life i had is enough to want to get better. but i'm starting to occasionally believe in recovery and think that i do want it.
 
25 days clean and after a long time of thinking i was making no progress, its started again. i’ve realised i’m resisting recovery because it means i have to let go of pain, and i don’t really know what’s left of me without it.

i’ve had more EMDR and its been really like too good to be true amazing. i think they should offer it in all rehabs cos the therapists here believe all addiction has roots in trauma (not necessarily really obvious awful stuff though, it can be an accumulation of small stuff). i’m the only person here who’s had it and i feel that that’s a bit unfair because its obvious that other people here would hugely benefit.

drugs are receding. they almost seem irrelevant and incidental now, really a symptom not a cause. i’ve gone from craving heroin badly cos i’m so used to it, to just generally being upset about not being able to get off my tits on anything anymore, to being upset about what i’m actually upset about- that i don’t know how not to be hurting. that feels like monumental progress.

i’m actually going to get my NA 30 day clean keyring next Tuesday and deserve it. i never ever thought that was possible in a million years. it doesn’t feel like much of an achievement cos i’ll have been in rehab for 29 of those days but the fact is its been no where near as difficult as i thought. i could never have done it alone though.
 
EMDR was a good therapy for me. I was violently abused as a young child, and my rehab psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD from that. The rehab therapist was fucking useless, but I did EMDR therapy with the therapist at my psychiatrist's office post-rehab. When I had the neuro-psych testing done earlier this year, I was told there were no markers for PTSD.

I'm happy to hear that you'll be picking up your 30 day orange keytag next week! Keep it up, I know you got this!
 
I'm glad things are going well. What are your plans for after treatment? Sober living? Outpatient?

I really think it's important for people coming out not to go right back to your old life. A new place to live is pretty crucial imo
 
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