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    #26
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    thanks for sharing.

    i think its important not to feel like you're the worst most unfixable case going into these things- though its also important to identify. so somehow knowing that other people have perplexed drs is useful.

    my view re chocolate milk is its calories. i learned in anorexia treatment, a calorie is always better than no calories. maybe when i live a healthy life i'll care about the sugar and fats but its primary service was to prevent my body entering starvation mode, which it did.


    and yes, pets are amazing!! they make you feel like you deserve to be loved. and it is such a huge responsibility, i've had mine since 2009 and i'm amazed, it makes me feel less of a fuckup. couldn't handle a dog though!!!

    today i'm less set on bailing from the rehab, possibly thanks to clonazepam, so my mind is more towards preparation.

    what should i be doing now?
    what should i pack?
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    #27
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    Right now, I would just be focusing on getting yourself detoxed so that the rehab won't have to deal with that once you get there, since that will involve more time and money. As for what to pack, there is usually a list of what and what not to bring on the FAQ page of most rehabs. Personally, I'd go with the following:

    - Comfortable casual clothing; nothing too revealing or anything that could be construed with having addiction overtones (a t-shirt with a beer company logo would be an obvious example)
    - Laundry supplies: detergent and dryer sheets (even if they provide it, it's usually shit)
    - Toiletries free of alcohol
    - Easily protected electronics if allowed: digital music player, tablet etc. (I wouldn't bring a laptop)
    - Books, if allowed (remember, a lot of rehab is boring)
    - Notebook and pens
    - Bed linens and pillows (these may also be provided but with my sleep problems I'd rather have my own - especially pillows)
    - All your prescription meds in the bottles in which they were dispensed

    If I think of anything else, I'll edit this post.
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    #28
    The FTC has a good guide for picking a treatment center geared towards teens. The guide can also be used for adults. Take a look at it for some important questions to ask these places before you call.

    Much of this guide is geared towards American treatment centers. How they regulate these places in the U.K. differs especially since they have free healthcare. No place will be perfect but many places will be shit as far as America goes.

    One thing I can say as for sure in terms of state side based rehabs is avoid Behavior Modification treatment. These are places that like to implement therapies developed from boot camps and Synanon. This includes forced labor for long periods of time and group therapies that focus on shame and humiliation.
    https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/article...programs-teens
    Last edited by Prescottdave; 18-09-2018 at 21:38.
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    #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prescottdave View Post
    The FTC has a good guide for picking a treatment center geared towards teens. The guide can also be used for adults. Take a look at it for some important questions to ask these places before you call.

    Much of this guide is geared towards American treatment centers. How they regulate these places in the U.K. differs especially since they have free healthcare. No place will be perfect but many places will be shit as far as America goes.

    One thing I can say as for sure in terms of state side based rehabs is avoid Behavior Modification treatment. These are places that like to implement therapies developed from boot camps and Synanon. This includes forced labor for long periods of time and group therapies that focus on shame and humiliation.
    https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/article...programs-teens
    Good post! Aviod anywhere that talks up a "theraputuc community" it's a buzzword for having the patients play an overly large part in your treatment
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    #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by aihfl View Post
    Right now, I would just be focusing on getting yourself detoxed so that the rehab won't have to deal with that once you get there, since that will involve more time and money.

    i'm off the gear but am worried i'm picking up a benzo habit. gonna try not to have any today. only got 4 hours sleep so that should help.

    the list is really useful- especially bedding as i'm allergic to a lot, ditto washing powder. i'm indulging my control freak by bringing lots of pictures to decorate my room, i don't know if that's allowed. plus my own blanket. i'm basically controlling everything i can, not a great sign.

    i'll be taking lots of books. only really druggy one is requiem for a dream, cos i watched that on repeat once when i was desperate to not get straight back on the gear. if they won't allow it then so be it. it didn't work, i ended up having to smoke some dark to get over brutalising myself in that way.

    i've got the entire isabele eberhardt collected works- she's my hero, a true inspiration. i'm hoping that will help. i'm actually hoping to catch up on a lot of reading, and learn to draw.

    thanks Prescottdave and cj too- i have actually now chosen a place, but i really wish i'd seen the FTC website earlier. and yeah i've seen a few that advertise therapeutic community which is basically no one on one, I need a lot of 1-1. i'll get to learn to draw there. i really hope this thread is useful to others in the position i'm in now. if you have anything about preparing. i know that boshing through every pill you have is not a good idea but i'm finding it hard not to. i don't wanna throw them away and i don't want them here when i get back.

    i'm much calmer than i should be but thats probably last nights rivotril.

    anybody got any wisdom as to whats in store for me, better articulated than pain? i'm afraid. i'm worried i'm just going through the motions now cos i have to and i'm not really going to engage. but i can't just wait for my parents to die to fuck up cos they've got several decades in them yet.

    i don't really care that i didn't die the other night when i thought i would, the closest i can say is i'm grateful i might one day be grateful to be alive.

    so so so so much work to do. i've always been a fuckup. i disturbed people aged 4 and my parents thought i was going to kill myself when i was 6 (i remember wanting to die but not knowing how to do it). i don't see how a few months in a fancy hotel with 9-5 therapy and NA 3 times a week can fix a fundamentally broken person.

    if they can help me cope with the trauma of my life, from being put into a bin as a child (this is GREAT for your self perception, literal garbage, no wonder i was an overacheiver) to the repeat and sometimes horrific sexual violence then it'll be useful i guess

    sorry for the ramble
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    #31
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    Inpatient is just the very beginning of the journey. Those of us with trauma and a mental health diagnosis will need medicine and therapy for the foreseeable future. Rehab is like a waiting room almost. You go you get sober then you start planning the treatments that will eventually make a difference.
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    #32
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    damn, not what i wanted to hear!! this is going to be very intensive, basically 9-5 therapy of different types. i know i'll need aftercare but i need this to be a jump start, drawing a massive line in the sane between me now and the me who isn't going to die young and miserable having wrecked my family.
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    #33
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    It can be that. I guess I just don't want you to think your going to come out totally fixed afterwards. Your not going to get much 1-1 therapy at a normal rehab. It's going to be structured around group therapy and lecture. You seem smart so your going to feel out of place intellectually. That's not saying you can't improve while your there just realize inpatient goal is to get you stable enough to be able to access the more individual geared resources in the community.
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    #34
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    i don't expect to be fixed but i expect to be a damn site better at coping than i was going in.

    i have this perception that i'll always be broken- was named after someone who was sent to Belsen, hd her last rights read to her twice there, my grandmother spent 2 days picking through bodies looking for her, before entering a hut she's told not to go into as the psychiatric patients were there. she found her mum in a catatonic state. i was born 2 weeks before my grandfather died, i distressed him greatly because the meds he was on messed his mind up and he thought he killed me in his arms. i was 3 weeks premature but i came in this world just to hurt him. i feel like my fate is tied to my family history, and i've not even given half to it when it comes to suffering.

    so thats me from the start, born to a legacy of suffering and increasing the intensity of a traumtic death, i was noticed as disturbed at 4 and suicidal by 6. so i have no delusions about getting well. being able to be actually care whether i'm alive would be a great start for me. for the 5 years i had a respectable job that i was good at, i despised myself, because i knew my colleagues would despise me if they knew that really i'm a heroin addict. i'd like to restart my life not feeling ashamed or a fraud, and not using, having worked through some of my traumatic events, and with a realistic improvement plan.

    I think I get 1-1 every week day, which is part of why i chose it, i have a lot of work to do, The timetable is tailored to your needs each week so it varies, based on individual needs and there are only 6 places so it is very focussed. i'm super hoping to learn to draw,

    this is a super fancy place, you can see for yourself here/. i'd be super super grateful if those with experience, either yourself or someone close to you could maybe take a look and see if anything either positive or negative jumps out, of thaat i need to consider


    Thanks for saying i seem smart- i feel so dumb right now, but i have a PhD in theoretical physics and my last job was as an algorithmic programmer for bioinformatics research so i'm not an idiot. just got myself in a bad situation. thats also why i'm recommended this particular place. my counsellor thinks i can probably just learn the required answers for most rehabs, then phone it in, so i'd be able to complete it succesfully by going through the motions instead of working. but here they won't make that so easier because of the greater level of individual attention.

    have any of you had explicit therapy for trauma as part of rehab? or at all?- i'm getting more and more afraid of that- how integral do you think this is to recovery? do you feel its role in addiction is overstated? i feel like
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    #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by cj View Post
    Inpatient is just the very beginning of the journey. Those of us with trauma and a mental health diagnosis will need medicine and therapy for the foreseeable future. Rehab is like a waiting room almost. You go you get sober then you start planning the treatments that will eventually make a difference.
    It is just the beginning of recovery, but it is more like the operating room rather than the waiting room. Things are definitely happening at inpatient if done correctly, namely beginning a period of abstinence, dealing with acute withdrawals, and developing a plan for dealing with the disorder(s).
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    #36
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    Chinup, the reason I say usually not more than 90 days inpatient is because the long-term effectiveness of treatment hinders a lot on the transition. Meaning how well you return to normal life while maintaining new coping mechanisms and healthy behaviors without returning to old and unhealthy ones is a big factor in how effective the treatment will be. You will hopefully be learning a lot about yourself and the disorders you are dealing with, but knowledge alone is not the solution. Different therapies can help shed a lot of insight to why you are struggling so much with a particular disorder, but it is not insight alone that brings change.

    Knowledge and insight, combined with action, is what truly brings about change. And in my opinion, it is more about learning about learning how to deal with our behavior rather than to change our behavior. It usually seems pretty obvious what we need to change in order to correct our behavior with things like eating disorders and addiction- just stop doing drugs, start eating and stop puking, right? But it never is that simple in practice. That is where different therapies can really help, once you better understand why you do something then you can really begin to attack to root of the problem and bring about real change. More than just resisting an impulse or forcing yourself to do it, understanding why. Eating disorders are a perfect example of this- anorexia, in general, has a psychological cause rather than a physical one; in general people are not anorexic as result of a physical ailment but instead a phycological one. Often it is rooted in a distorted self-image, and this distortion is often caused by childhood trauma. There are other reasons, and you may be different, but this is the most common cause.

    So, all that to say, it is important to understand and address the root cause of the disorder not just the symptoms. Addictions, in general, also have a root cause much deeper than just taking a drug and becoming physically dependent. There are things that will make you more susceptible to addiction as well as things that will lower your risk.


    One thing that you seem to have going for you is an openness and receptiveness. It is a difficult time and being open and willing to change is a huge part of the battle. The counselors and staff will be telling you one thing but your disease will try to find every way to resist. Like how you mention you're not an alcoholic(which Ill believe) but you're afraid of not having anything. This fear is the lie of addiction. You don't need it and you are stronger without it and despite possibly having this cognitive realization, you will still be compelled to find ways around this reality.

    To be equally honest, a high level of intelligence might actually work against you. This is a time where you need to focus on yourself and work on yourself. It's more of an emotional battle than an intellectual one. Some of the exercises might seem extremely elementary, but most of us addicts are learning emotions at an elementary level in early recovery. Don't be afraid to make dumb mistakes, try to look at mistakes and embarrassment as part of the learning process.


    And to answer your last question... I believe it is integral to a full recovery. There is clearly a correlation and I believe there is a link between eating disorders and substance use disorders. "Up to 50% of individuals with eating disorders abused alcohol or illicit drugs, a rate five times higher than the general population. Up to 35% of individuals who abused or were dependent on alcohol or other drugs have also had eating disorders, a rate 11 times greater than the general population." link

    Substance use disorders are generally not the result of physical dependence and rewarding stimulation(high), although they do add to the problems and difficulty. The one common underlying link between all addicts is a poorly developed or poorly functioning emotional regulatory system. Either something went wrong and the person is no longer able to properly regulate emotions, or the person never really had a strong ability to regulate to begin with. And there are so many factors that affect this, from biological to psychological to social. who you are, who you are around, and the environment you are in all play a role. It is why the disease is biopsychosocial. Apart from the more apparent connections, like being moody from not eating leading to drug use, I believe there are also deeper ones unique to the individual. Like eating disorders, substance use disorders also have a deeper root cause than getting high/intoxicated. Things like cognitive distortions and childhood trauma are often at the root of the cause as well. Without addressing the root cause and learning new coping methods and ways to deal with thoughts and feelings, relapse is almost guaranteed.


    TLDR
    To answer your last question simply, yes, I think it's inevitable that whatever problems you haven't dealt with and have been covering up with drugs will resurface once the rugs are gone. You don't have to go back and revisit all the traumatic events in your life, but the ones that are still hanging out will need something done with them. This is where "one day at a time" comes into play. You don't need to solve a lifetime of problems during the months you stay at the rehab. This is just the beginning of a lifetime of change. The thought the "recovery is forever" is initially more scary than it needs to be. Self-discovery and self-exploration are forever as well, but when taken one day at a time there is always time.
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    #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mafioso View Post
    It is just the beginning of recovery, but it is more like the operating room rather than the waiting room. Things are definitely happening at inpatient if done correctly, namely beginning a period of abstinence, dealing with acute withdrawals, and developing a plan for dealing with the disorder(s).
    Yeah your analogy is way better.

    OP that looks like a great place. Way better then anywhere I've ever been so hopefully you will get the 1&1 attention you deserve
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    #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mafioso View Post
    Different therapies can help shed a lot of insight to why you are struggling so much with a particular disorder, but it is not insight alone that brings change.

    ....

    It usually seems pretty obvious what we need to change in order to correct our behavior with things like eating disorders and addiction- just stop doing drugs, start eating and stop puking, right? But it never is that simple in practice. That is where different therapies can really help, once you better understand why you do something then you can really begin to attack to root of the problem and bring about real change. More than just resisting an impulse or forcing yourself to do it, understanding why.
    ....

    One thing that you seem to have going for you is an openness and receptiveness. It is a difficult time and being open and willing to change is a huge part of the battle. The counselors and staff will be telling you one thing but your disease will try to find every way to resist. Like how you mention you're not an alcoholic(which Ill believe) but you're afraid of not having anything. This fear is the lie of addiction. You don't need it and you are stronger without it and despite possibly having this cognitive realization, you will still be compelled to find ways around this reality.

    Like eating disorders, substance use disorders also have a deeper root cause than getting high/intoxicated. Things like cognitive distortions and childhood trauma are often at the root of the cause as well. Without addressing the root cause and learning new coping methods and ways to deal with thoughts and feelings, relapse is almost guaranteed.
    thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and insightful response, you've made a lot of sense and its really really useful. i've pulled out some bits in quotes but really everything you said was great. i'm not surprised about the correlation between eating disorders and addictions though it saddens me. its funny when i was in full blown anorexia i though i could never be an addict cos the idea of needing anything was so awful, i hated needing to breathe oxygen, and i didn't eat because my disease would unleash mental hell on me in a way that is so much worse than any craving or withdrawal. that's also why dual diagnosis treatment is so important to me, i'd take my addiction at its worst over going back to that any day.

    the obviousness of what needs to change is part of what i find so frustrating and so baffling. i also think its a large part of why addicts are considered scum. though since i basically lost everything, using has become less counterintuitive because its literally the only thing i could do until i've made massive progress in recovery and things like any socialising that costs money or travel become options again.

    i am trying to mentally prepare for the fact that my addictions will have fucked me up in ways i don't even know about yet, and that this will interfere with my therapy at times. my 'recovery' from anorexia involved replacing every single thought, there's an anorexic way to make every decision in your life and realising that i was completely ruled by a disease even in things that seem unrelated to food/exercise was horrible, but the experience will be useful for what i have to go through now. and the disease resisting is also why i've delayed treatment for so long, i've delayed it until its the only option.

    thanks for your insights about trauma counselling. i guess i feel resistant to it because i feel like its right that some things hurt, because they are hurtful, and to take away the pain they cause is to take away part of your humanity. its also probably my diseased brain trying to fuck me up. i'd like to be able to cope with those things, and clearly other people do without destroying themselves. i don't really know if they're a root cause or a convenient excuse.

    i think i need to look into what trauma counselling actually involves and how it generally connects with addiction treatment cos right now i've just got a bunch of prejudices and am constructing excuses for self sabotage

    Quote Originally Posted by cj View Post
    OP that looks like a great place. Way better then anywhere I've ever been so hopefully you will get the 1&1 attention you deserve
    i'm super chuffed you think it looks great, super gutted its better than anywhere you've been, cos i'm sure you deserve it too.



    i find it very odd that right now i feel content with the idea of never using crack or heroin again and haven't craved since my final binge. i feel like i could just continue not to use now without going to rehab at all. i'm a bit worried this is going to make me less engaged with the therapy.
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    #39
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    So some of the things you say kind of highlight how your own intelligence and thoughtfulness can get in the way. You mention "trying to mentally prepare for how...my addictions have fucked me up in ways I don't know about yet...". To me, this line of thought says a couple of things. First off, it shows you are trying to think ahead and prepare for what is to come- a normally healthy and productive behavior. But it also shows a somewhat distorted line of thinking. The way you are predicting and expecting continued trouble in ways you haven't even imagined yet is, in my opinion, the result of catastrophizing. You say yourself you do not know what is to come, so how could you possibly accurately prepare for what is to come? It is this type of thinking that can be highly anxiogenic and even trigger physical stress responses in the body. Apart from being terrible for your health, this unnecessary self-induced stress will be sabotaging to your recovery.

    It's easy to be afraid of the unknown but isn't always completely rational. It is why darkness is scary. It isn't the absence of light that is frightening, it is what becomes possible in the presence of the unknown. Suddenly there are monsters, axe murders, rapist and serial killers all lined up when the light is shut off who magically disappear when the lights turn back on. This same type of child-like thinking is extremely common when dealing with substance use disorders. The word "disease" is often frightening and menacing, holding all sorts of potential unknown meaning and implications. But lets take a minute to look at the word disease and remove some of the mystery. First off, the word is largely used to quantify a set of related symptoms with their cause, the textbook definition is "a condition that impairs function and has specific signs and symptoms". From a medical perspective, it is largely focused on etiology. The word is extremely vague and includes possible relatively minor and less serious things like acne, all the way to contagious, life threatening illnesses like AIDs, and everything in between.

    You'll probably hear a lot that "addiction is a brain disease", which may be one way of viewing it but I do not believe it to be correct. The disease, or substance use disorder to be specific, affects the brain but has much greater implications than that. There are biological and social factors as well as psychological, which is why it is said it is a biopsychosocial disorder. There are physical biological changes that are taking place in your brain and other areas of your body as result of the disorder. There are psychological changes taking place as result of the disorder that affect thinking and emotion. And all these changes have social implications, and social situations can affect the others.

    This is all probably alarming for you as you deepen your understanding of how harmful your behavior has been. But it is only alarming as you focus on the problems, which is the first step in discovering solutions. With your deepened understanding you can begin to see more clearly how to address your problems. You mention already that you see how your eating disorder has implications on all areas of your life. This can be pretty daunting when only looking at how devastating the disorder can be, but take a minute to consider how impactful treating the disorder can be to your life. Recovery will also have major implications on all areas of your life- but this time it will be positive. For example, not eating is going to cause low energy and make it harder to focus and regulate emotion. That is the bad implications of having an eating disorder, so what are the implications of recovering from an eating disorder? Well, logically, the opposite- increased energy and increased ability to focus and regulate emotion.

    Having a disease doesn't mean you are helpless. It actually means you have increased responsibility and need greater vigilance. Someone with diabetes needs to put more thought and concern into their diet and eating habits in order to not hopeless suffer from the disease. Having a substance use disorder doesn't mean we are doomed to a life of disease and pain, but it does mean we need to be active and vigilant to remain in control of our lives.


    The best way you can prepare is adjusting the way you view the process. Viewing it as the beginning of change rather than the beginning of pain. It will likely be painful and uncomfortable at times, but letting disorder control your life is also very painful and uncomfortable. Try to look at where you are going not just where you are. This is just the beginning of something good. You're going to be ok.
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    #40
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    urgh i'm losing my shit a bit. tomorrow is my last day outside of rehab. i've eaten a bunch of pills and will eat a bunch more, this might be the last time i ever get fucked up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mafioso View Post
    catastrophizing.
    this is a deeply ingrained way of thinking for me, as is self sabotage. you're right, and i'm pretty impressed by how perceptive some of your comments are.

    i think i'm actually really attached to being a fuckup. cos i know for a fact i've always been somewhat wrong in the head, and feel like suffering is in my history and has been passed down much like my genes. thats some romantic bollocks notion of suffering though, not the daily degradation of hard drug addiction. its so ingrained as part of my identity that i don't know who i am or if there's anything there when you strip away the disease.



    Quote Originally Posted by Mafioso View Post
    You mention already that you see how your eating disorder has implications on all areas of your life. This can be pretty daunting when only looking at how devastating the disorder can be, but take a minute to consider how impactful treating the disorder can be to your life.

    that perspective is so fucking obvious that i can't believe it didn't occur to me myself. i'm always good at finding positives for other people but never for myself. and i do recognise that treatment will, if successful, will have a huge impact, it will save my life, but i didn't connect the dots between that and the hopelessness of my entire life being ruled by drugs/EDs.

    part of me wants to be helpless. part of me loves the idea that i'm really not in control and its not my fault, i've used it to justify addictive behaviour a lot- why am i doing this? this is just what crackheads/smackheads/anorexics do. there's something, when you feel completely done in, liberating about having your entire life scripted, not having to make a decision. this is when the disease take over. i've actively been aware of these moments, and sometimes pulled back, sometimes not cared and gone ahead. i knew hell would follow and didn't care because it greatly simplified my life at that point.

    argh i'm feeling really really wobbly. fucking crying. not some self pity bullshit.

    all the feedback i've had from people who've looked at the website for the facility i'm going to have been super positive. its a relief that people who know more than me and are probably better able to gauge the needs of someone with my problems than i am right now don't think i've been sold a duck.

    ------------------------

    thanks all for your input. i will check in once i have internet access but BL will not be my priority.

    i really appreciate the pointers both about facilities (though welcome any other comments you may have on the one ii'm going to) and my personal issues. i think most of us have felt that we don't deserve anything from anyone so the fact that anyone replied at all is touching, to get such thoughtful responses is beyond what i could ever have hoped.
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