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Thread: Wanting to die...the pain is unbearable

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    Wanting to die...the pain is unbearable 
    #1
    Greenlighter
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Location
    California
    Posts
    12
    Angry
    It has to do with one of my sisters going out of her way to hurt me -- soul hurt-- I won't even try to write any back story for ease of reference. But I can tell you that I am being honest, aware of everyone's participation, with a focus on myself. The harder I try, give her unconditional love, the patience, etc. she is still filled with a lifetime of hate/jeoulousy, whatever and I have a lifetime -- 50 years -- of only horrible and cruel experiences. I could let it go, it never touched me. I would go out of my way to kill anything she did or was a person who was being bad mouthed, etc., but I protected her. People would ask me why she was so mean and tell me the really unforgivealbe things I would always give the benefit of the doubt to. But i let her be in my vicinity. After destroying a lifetime friendship of my husband's when she went out of her way to sweep in and screw over the guy's girlfriend. I was deadling with the broken relationship and then the girlfriend ho was devestated because sister did it out of a hate I could never understand where it came from. She dumped him after a month or so, but it was destiny set in motion. the girlfriend wanted to get back at her and instead has been married to my husband fo over 20 years, with children, just to get a perverted revenge. We were divorsed. another story.

    mother died a few years agp amd refused to believe sister was capable of really hurting me. We ALWAYS got to a point, butwe had a love and relationship especially the last 5 years of moms life where sister gave me cassette tapes of mom and her, which gave concerete evidence that Mom was feeding sister with crap that I hated her, etc. which in turn, gave her this lack of trust and now find out -- has been waitng to hurt me, get revemge; Revenge for her actionws and cruelty she is the one, n ot me who did those things. It is Psych 101. I belived and trusted. My believe is that I'm who I am and still love her, minus the many, many astrotous things and way she treats me. I'm not a fighter and won't continue the cycle. I worked with her for nearly 5 years, and she had issues (always have) where she was cruel and inappropriate as amy supervisor (worst one ever, unqualiikfed). Afta year of telling her over and over I couldn't take the abuse, busting my asse to be profeswsional and let her deal with her own crap, I had to leave and sinvce that day 2 years ago, she has made it her life's work to make it appear that I am deserving of absolute cruelty, personal and professional and at 50 years olf, has finally gotten a little fan club together that is about hating me ane see that I am unworthy. Going to halt it here and stop from spinning.

    Quck conclusion -- she obviously has problems wher she will take out his worst. I'm going to end. She will torment me, with glee, because I left my employment and refused to let her continue to behave like an animal.

    If only shhe might eve stop. I'm very tied. I don't know what and I'm falling asleep. Im feeling sorry for myslf. It will be new and better when I wake up in morning . Thank you for being here.. I just don't feeI I'm worth anything I alow her to transfer to me.

    Ms. Rainman64
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    #2
    Bluelighter Painful One's Avatar
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    Jan 2017
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    Giving you a hug!
    ❤️

    We cannot control other people and how they behave.
    We can control how we react to how other people behave.
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    #3
    Bluelight Crew Asclepius's Avatar
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    ^ This.


    This sounds awfully painful.

    Nobody can ever fully comprehend your pain, as you experience it - which is hard but if I can offer my 2c, it is that; you sound like a lovely person who is carrying the weight of your family's burdens and need to get yourself some space for yourself, to heal and at least breathe for yourself.

    Toxicity in families (which many of us on here in TDS have gone through; invarious guises) are horrific and can cut your sense of self and rational thinking process to the core - they make you feel crazy.

    Please, get yourself some space for you - find someone, or someplace that will let you reconnect with yourself where you can find some peace/space to think; feel in peace and cry, bawl,wail, rage, break shit - or whatever you need to gain some semblence of yourself again. These situations dont warrant anything but for you to be kind to yourself and get yourself away from the things/situations that make you feel crazy/bad about yourself/confused beyond reason.

    Look after your good self and let us know how you did
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    #4
    hmm, have you ever read anything on narcissitic people?

    I have a cousin. she is a bit older than me. for years I would feel terrible whenever I interacted with her. I didnt know why. she didnt particularly even said mean things but I would cry afterwards hating myself for behaving like a baby. the last few years I avoided contact feeling guilty about it. then I read about people who manipulate, have little to no empathy for others, strive for perfection setting unrealistic goals, never being satisfied with anything and putting everyone and everything down except for themselves.
    since then I make a concious effort to never interact with her again.

    you probably love your sister because she is family and she seems innocent. it may have been your moms fault to give her bad ideas and thoughts about you. but a 'normal' person would talk to you about it and see if its true. your sister may never change. do you want to always feel shitty because of the things she does?
    maybe if you leave her- if you can- or avoid contact, she may realise that she hurts people and the problem isnt her/your mom, their employer, other people or the world. the problem is them. I doubt it though. but I would try. it's kind of dor their sake too really.
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    #5
    Bluelighter CfZrx's Avatar
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    Nov 2014
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    Hi Ms, I am dropping by to show support Get some rest and get back on blue light after some coffee tomorrow morning Sorry you're hurting.
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