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    I need some help/advice 
    #1
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    Hi,

    so i'll get right to it i guess.

    tonight at midnight (in less than 3 hours) i'm going to receive approx. 200$ to my bank account,
    it's rent aid from the government which i get once a month and every month without fail (for far too long) i wait to midnight, drive to nearest ATM withdrew all and buy crack. i enjoy that night but that compulsion to use as soon as i get money (the same happens when i get my paycheck) to my account or cash i just can't stop..

    sometimes i try to fight the urge and try to sleep or watch a movie but it feels like a worm crawling inside my brain or something and at 02:00 AM, sometimes 03:00 AM i get out of bed and go out to buy. it feels unavoidable and i fear that tonight will be no different then always.

    i guess i partly wanted to just 'write it out' but mainly i seek advice or even empathy, IDK really..

    thanks in advance
    jona
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    #2
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    Well I'll start by saying that this compulsion to buy and use drugs is not unique. In fact I'd argue it's something that everyone that goes through addiction experiences. Our brains are made for survival, and we are wired to eat and reproduce. When we eat food or have an orgasm, there is a part of your brain that is stimulated. This gives you a good feeling, making you want to repeat the act. This is the same part of the brain that is stimulated by drugs like cocaine/crack, except the stimulation caused by drugs can be astronomically greater than stimulation caused by food or sex.

    These changes in the brain(and often other areas of the body as well) are responsible for cravings, withdrawal, and dependence. When we see someone do something crazy because of love(or lack of love) no one questions it. It makes sense to all of us, but when we see someone doing something crazy for drugs it seems bizarre. But the same mechanism drives both extremes.

    There are things you can do about it fortunately. Addiction is caused by physiology not lack of will power, but it does take a tremendous amount of will power to overcome. It's more than just ignoring the urge to buy and use drugs. This is where brutal honesty can be really beneficial. Accepting that you currently have little control over your finances and allowing someone trustworthy to control your finances for now can be a good first step for you.

    Handing over your money won't take away that worm crawling in your head, but it is the beginning of you taking control back away from that worm. The longer you exercise control over the worm, the less hold the worm will have on you as well.

    There are other ways to attack the worm as well. Small things like reaching out to others for help and support can lead to big changes. The worm wants to keep you isolated and alone to better control you. It wants to keep you in fear of withdrawal as well, making you believe that you won't be able to make it through. The worm is going to try and convince you that you are weak, worthless, and a terrible human being. It's all bullshit. Wage war with it. Start journaling and writing down your thoughts as honest as possible. Get to know yourself and your disease. You are not alone and it is a battle that can be won.

    Keep asking questions here and others can hep guide and support you along your way. Even if it's just talking about how hard things are, people are listening.
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    #3
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    HI Mafioso, thanks for your quick reply and wise words.

    i think that tonight i won't be able to resist, i'm "locked on target" and obviously it doesn't happen overnight.
    i must add that i'm on subutex for nearly a decade and tried to quit countless times (about 5 times ) using tom's recipe, tapering to 0.25 mg and less for six months before jumping and sadly i couldn't take the insomnia and depression that followed.
    i've been abusing crack for almost two years and decided to try and moderate instead of quitting cold turkey.

    your advice to let someone handle my money seems the right choice but brother it's tough.. beside my mother i dont have anyone trustworthy and i do give her half of my monthly income. i find it so hard to let crack go. i'm so depressed and hopeless most of the time that honestly, on some level i dont really want to quit just to give up on life and die.. half the time i wish i could disappear, become non existent.. i don't know what i want or how to decide. i don't even know what and why i'm writing all this stuff.
    please bear with me. i'm lost and desperate and full of self hatred and pity.
    i lack hope and i can't think about the future without this grim outlook that i'll be sick and homeless. in pain and all alone.
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    #4
    Do you have any type of worker? When I was homeless I had a worker that offered to hold my money for me so I wouldn't spend it all in one shot. The thing is if they are willing to give it back to you as soon as you ask for it, you might end up spending it just as quickly. That's what happened to me. Maybe somebody who won't give it to you if they know you are going to spend it on drugs. That could be pretty harsh though...I know I would get upset with them even if I was the one who made them promise not to give it to me right away.

    Crack sounds like a difficult drug to use moderately, imo. As soon as you taste some of it you want more immediately. That's how it was for me anyways.
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    #5
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    thank you hoffsteader!

    unfortunately i don't have any social worker and i'm very anti NA,
    where i live there aren't any alternatives like smart recovery etc.
    i have only my mother that knows i'm on subutex and thinks i smoke weed.
    as i stated before - i give her half my money but like most junkies i ask for it back very soon after. if i'll ask her not to give it back it won't hold. i'll just go bad and scare her i guess like when i was on H.
    i was a monster back then and i don't want to find out if i still am.
    i know it all sounds like excuses and honestly it's a mix of excuses and facts..

    you are right that moderating crack is almost impossible and i'm full of shit to the point i cant tell whats a lie and what's not with my own fucking self..

    i think i'm gonna go and buy me some rocks now

    thank you guys for making me feel a bit less alone and like schwarzenegger - I'll be back
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    #6
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    i have just checked my bank account and the money been wired.
    i just can't resist...
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    #7
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    Something to think about... you mention "i dont really want to quit just to give up on life and die" How much of that is from the side effects and negative consequences of drug abuse, and how much of that is actually because of your life situation? It's very hard to imagine what life would be like without drug addiction while you are currently going through it, but one thing that is true for all- life becomes exponentially more manageable once you have gotten the substance use disorder under control. Life doesn't magically become all rosey and perfect, but things like negative moods are generally less intense and easier to manage.

    Another thing to ask yourself is what do you gain from drug use, and what do you lose? Make a side by side list of all the positives and all the negatives of drug use. It might help to picture all that you are giving up and sacrificing for a feeling. The cost of drug use is a lot more than just the time and money we spend on it but it's easy to convince yourself otherwise. Where would you be if you didn't use drugs? How has it held you back, how has it helped you? Don't be afraid to address the positives. The point is not to try and convince yourself that drugs are bad, mmkay? The point is to full conceptualize the life cost of drug use. You might decide at this point and time that drugs are still worth the cost.. there is no right or wrong conclusion so long as it is your own.

    Recovery can be a painful process. I don't know if I've never shed more tears in my life than during the time of initial sobriety. All the emotions you have been stuffing away and numbing yourself from come flooding back. But it's not always all bad. The beauty in life starts to come back as well. It's in the struggle that we find out who we really are. The hard times is when we see who we think we are and who we really are. Whether failure or success, we must own it. There isn't another way to get past it. Using drugs to escape pain is not being free of pain, it is spending your life on the run from it.
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