TDS Article 15

[Psychedalienation]

Just got issued 2 (maybe 3) Article 15's in the US Army. They found nicotine shit in my room and destroyed my room and found a bunch of other shit I shouldn't have had. Don't know what this means for my future.

I am staying motivated as best as I can. Don't know if I'm suppressing emotions or genuinely overcoming. Don't know what I'm going to tell my family if I get kicked out.

Came here from the streets. Whole life has been a story of addiction and failure up to this point. This was supposed to change me. I got wasted the other day and people snitched on me. Like WASTED. So they're going to talk to me about that and I have no choice but to admit.

Worried about ciivilian employment if I get chaptered out other than honorable.

May not seem serious but in TRADOC (where I am now), it is.

Sort of in a dark place. Don't really know why I'm writing this. Guess I need support. Don't have a lot of friends. It's been hard here. Hard to control myself. Hard dealing with getting shit on all the time by the Army. This place was never meant for me but it was last resort. Ugh. I had 6 weeks left of training too. Then I'd be golden. Fucked it all up. Coulnd't control my urges to be addicted to something (Nicotine/Caffiene against the regulations, plus underage)

Idk I probably sound stupid. I'm training to be a Behavioral Health Technician. Don't know how to tell my family. They were so proud of me. Pushed through Basic Training. Felt like I was on top of the world. Made it here, slowly declined into never cleaning my area, juuling all the time, drinking, sneaking off when I wasn't allowed to, donig everything I could against the rules without getting caught. Got mad fucked up off DXM on accident, woke up tripping sack, bad trip. Went to sick call said I was dehydrated. Got away with it. But still, stupid and not worth it. Old habits, old behavior patterns. Guess this is why they diagnosed me with ODD long ago.

I don't know what to do really. They haven't dished out my punishments yet. They have like 3-4 negative counselings n me. Forcing me to write 90 pages in a week, a 1000 word essay, and now these articles. If I don't complete said essays and policy letters in time, it's more articles. Stressed. No time to do any of this. Never get time to myself.

If I get extra duty, I have to work my ass off from 6 am to 10 pm all day every day and get no time to myself. Plus no pay. Plus I still might get chaptered out.

So tempted to ask out and go back to smoking weed and go to college. Stupid idea. This was a good opportunity for me. No one really cares.

Watching motivational videos trying to set goals for myself to get a sense of accomplishment to get my dopamine up. I have mad ADHD lol. Dopamine's low.

This was a scattered thought post. I've had like 400mg caffeine. Trying to stay up cleaning this trashed room, and get my area organized to get my thoughts organized. It's a feedback loop I heard.

Love all of you, you've all been there for me when I've gotten into some shit. Not sure alot of you can relate. Just thought I'd put this out there to get some shit off my mind. All my friends here are squared away and don't break rules. Feel pretty alone and anxious.

Can't wait to get my shit together and take some shrooms and refresh my fucking mind. Get back into appreciation. Neglecting myself and others around me. Alot of hate in me that I notice but comes out. Probably a stress reaction.

This has been a bullshit rant. Goodbye.

 

[Psychedalienation]

Miss getting high, trapping, selling drugs, making music, fucking with girls, and partying with my friends. Doing nothing with my life. Happiness. But that's no life. Life on standstill when I was doing that shit. But I remember being happy all the time. High all the time of course. Smoking weed like 15 times a day. All I did. Riding in cars and doing bullshit. If I go home I'm at risk of doing that shit again. Then again I am young (19). I got plenty of time.

Guess I gotta just pray this doesn't fuck up my life. The TRADOC policy is ridiculous. The smallest things will fuck your life up. I had to survive 4 months of this shit. Couldn't even do that. Smh. I don't relate with anyone here. It feels like fake love. Miss home. Thousands of miles away.

I'm a smart person but I CANT FUCKING CONTROL MYSELF. I manage to for a little but it slowly creeps in and then it's too late. I'll catch myself multiple times but it always comes back until something bad happens. Like this.

 

[Mafioso]

I think the first thing to work on truly accepting deep down is that even if the worst happens and you are kicked out, that doesn't mean your life is over. You will have a new set of challenges and obstacles to overcome, if and when that time comes you will have to shift your focus to dealing with a new(and old) challenges.

Idk what TRADOC is, but it does sound a bit harsh. Relapse happens with the majority of people who are recovering from an addiction. It is far more common than uncommon. I'm not saying it's okay to just relapse, but we have to learn to accept our mistakes. Rather than never relapsing, a better goal is to learn to recognize the sign of relapse and minimize the damage of the relapse. A relapse is not purely physical generally. Often it occurs emotionally, mentally, and behaviorally. The relapse starts when we begin to return to old behavior- things like you mentioned you stopped cleaning your room or becoming antisocial. By learning to recognize these seemingly small things that are signs of much bigger things to come it is possible to avoid a relapse.

Recovery is about more than just abstaining from the drug and using sheer will power to never use again. It does involve abstinence and using your will to avoid using drugs, but it's much more than that. Use your will to create healthy patterns and avoid negative ones rather than just trying to mentally overcome the urge to use drugs. Build yourself a positive and supportive environment that promotes natural happiness.

I have to admit that the army does not seem like the best place to be in early recovery. It's best to avoid stressful and punitive environments for a little while if possible. Maybe getting kicked out will be a good thing in the long run. My friends older brother got kicked out for using drugs. Years later he now owns a very successful tattoo shop, has a wife and kids, and doesn't use drugs.

There are ways to build self-control as well. I talk about cognitive behavioral therapy a lot because it works. Thoughts and emotions are tied together.. by learning to control how we react to automatic thoughts we can begin to control how we feel. Your situation is a perfect example of how CBT can help. By thinking "Oh fuck, this is it. If I get discharged I'm just going to go back to getting high, my parents will disown me, I have no friends, my life will be over" you can expect to feel panic, despair, and a lot of other negative emotions. But try and catch yourself as the "oh fuck" thought starts to pop up. When you feel the oh fuck, and your mind starts saying "what if I get discharged..." try and catch yourself. Accept that it may be a possibility that you go back to using- but that is always a possibility, so nothing has really changed. It may be easier to use so you have more risk to account for but you don't HAVE to go back.

But instead of allowing your mind to run through all the negative "what ifs", try to focus on the positive what if's. What if you went back to college, got a good degree, got counseling and support for your addiction problems, and moved on to start a successful career in whatever you choose? What if you went to a trade school and got a high paying job working as a lineman or in the medical field or whatever? From there, start to develop a plan. If you do get kicked out, when and where can you enroll? What jobs can you apply for? What's a practical living situation look like for you? Take the fear out of the "what if".

One of the biggest things that helped me deal with cravings is accepting that feelings are not permanent and they will pass. It's hard to ignore the urge to use drugs but the urge to use will not always be there. At some point you will likely be glad that you didn't you once whatever emotions driving the urge pass. And your situation, environment, and thinking can all play a role. Things like the urge to party and sell drugs will probably go away when you are working a good job and in stable relationships. Being unemployed and bored will definitely increase those types of urges.

 

[Psychedalienation]

Wow that was a well thought out and written reply. Thank you. You know what's funny is we're being trained on how to perform CBT on others lol. I'm supposed to helping people with addiction issues and I have them myself lol.

But I agree with a lot of the statements you made. This was very helpful. I will try and focus on the positive what ifs. Anticipation of death is worse than death itself. Positive thoughts create positive attitudes which usually attract positive things. I can't say I'm not excited to go back to using weed and stuff again. It was my whole life and I never hated it once. I only quit because I wasn't going anywhere doing it.

It is hard for me to commit to a healthy lifestyle. I've understood this concept for a while and I usually start it but slip and repeat that until I give up entirely. I do this repeatedly sometimes weekly. So hard for me to control myself. But that's just because I'm not truly ready to give up certain things like junk food or doing exercise on a regular basis permanently.

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

You know what? If you straighten up and fly right this may just work itself out.

I was in the USAF in the 70's and got a couple article 15's when in Tech School. They ended up taking some money from me and let me go on. I ended up with a real good MOC and completed my military tour and got my HD and DD214. Get your head straight, that's what they really want.

 

[Mafioso]

Wow that was a well thought out and written reply. Thank you. You know what's funny is we're being trained on how to perform CBT on others lol. I'm supposed to helping people with addiction issues and I have them myself lol.

But I agree with a lot of the statements you made. This was very helpful. I will try and focus on the positive what ifs. Anticipation of death is worse than death itself. Positive thoughts create positive attitudes which usually attract positive things. I can't say I'm not excited to go back to using weed and stuff again. It was my whole life and I never hated it once. I only quit because I wasn't going anywhere doing it.

It is hard for me to commit to a healthy lifestyle. I've understood this concept for a while and I usually start it but slip and repeat that until I give up entirely. I do this repeatedly sometimes weekly. So hard for me to control myself. But that's just because I'm not truly ready to give up certain things like junk food or doing exercise on a regular basis permanently.

Thank you so much for your reply.

If that is what you really want to do, you don't have to let this stop you. It's probably a good idea to give yourself some time to focus on yourself though. Make sure you are taking your own advice type of thing. Ultimately you will be more effective at helping others when you are at your best. Self-care is extremely important for all of us.

 

[herbavore]

Wow, Psychedalienation, I am really sorry to hear what is going on and the stress you are under. As usual, Mafioso has some great advice--particularly the very first thing he wrote which was that no matter what happens, this is not the end of your life.

As far as CBT/mindfulness goes, it is as much an unlearning process as a learning process. I'm 64, almost 65, and I am still working on integrating that way of thinking/feeling/being into my default setting of worry (panic), self-recrimination and all the bad mental habits I fall prey to. I have been finding it really helpful lately to just say out loud to myself every morning, "Just do the best you can." There is such a delicate balance between self-acceptance and self-encouragement (motivation).

I hope that you can find at least one superior to trust with your feelings about all of this. Ask for help. I think, as White_Rose said, most people want to see you succeed.

Whatever you do, and whatever happens that is outside your control, try your hardest not to turn on yourself. You took hold of your life once before in a very courageous way; you have it in you to do it again if you do not let your mind frame this as failure. You are a human being, a very young human being, struggling to find your way in your own mind as well as in the big old uncaring world. You are going to stumble, to make wrong turns and disastrous decisions along the way--the most interesting people usually do!