Pinkfloyd123456789
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2018
- Messages
- 4
I think I overdosed on Vyvanse 2 nights ago, but I'm not sure and for some reasons its bothering me. I need to know if what I'm feeling is because I almost died. I also need to know what happened, so I can connect with what I went through and am going through. It?s like I saw something traumatic and need to just get it out by telling someone. Now, I have 3 questions that need answering. Did I overdose? If so how close do you think I was to dying? And what I can do now to feel better (we'll get into that one in a bit.) I apologize now for the length of the post, but I feel in order to answer my questions properly and accurately you need as much detail as possible so please bear with me and read this message in its entirety.
I was prescribed 40 mg Vyvanse about 3 months ago. Since then I've done a recreational dose twice. The first time I took 120mg at about 11:30 AM. However, I couldn't sleep that entire night. I just lay there staring at the ceiling. I had come down finally around 1 AM but had insomnia. I gave up around 6am and decided to take another 120mg so I wouldn't be tired and groggy all day. I was fine and had a good time with both doses. I mention this so you know I'm not allergic and what happened wasn't because of an adverse reaction. This and so you might be able to understand my logic when I took too much.
Now, before I had first tried Vyvanse I read all the trip reports I could find and talked to my friends who had done it. I found an average amount people take and my friends said 180 mg was the max you could take, possibly 200 but that would be pushing it.
Now two nights ago I took 120mg of Vyvanse. It was 1:11 AM (I checked the clock and put it to memory so I could monitor its progress time wise). I took these this early because I figured I'd be high till the afternoon (the last two times it lasted about 12-14 hours) and would be long past the comedown by the time I went to bed so I'd be able to sleep. A few hours later I peaked. I was high as shit and I knew I wouldn't come down for hours. This is when my first mistake happened. I felt a pleasant euphoria and the usual upper things. I then realized with disappointment that be noon it would be done. I didn't want it to ever end. I decided to take two more for a total of 200 mg. I figured since they weren't taken all at once it wouldn't be dangerous, plus last time I was fine though I didn't think of the fact that the last time the dosages were 19 hours apart long enough for one to be done before the other started. 200mg was the absolute max dose one could take we figured, not necessarily safely though. I figured what would happen is what happens when I take more acid after the come up, I wouldn't get any higher just would stay high longer. I was wrong.
About an hour later I began to come up again. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I had taken more to extend it, not to get higher, and I was already going almost too fast. Though I wasn't overly worried. It is a good time to mention that I've done a lot of drugs over the years, and I mean a lot of them from meth to Ritalin to Coke. So, I'm familiar with uppers and used to crashes and changes to my psyche. However, for nearly 3 years I've done nothing but weed and the occasional line of coke. So mentally I had almost forgotten what being really high was like.
Any ways I wasn't worried because I've had meth binges where I was way higher and was still fine. So, I didn't think about it and just enjoyed the experience. Within an hour I was one of the highest I've been, mostly euphoria, clarity, and a lot of energy. The euphoria was the strongest part, surprisingly, and with it was the usual confidence. I felt like I could handle anything and do anything. I wondered how much higher I could get, and my confidence told me I could handle tons more. So, I took 2 more for a total of 280 mg, more than twice what I had read of anyone doing or my friends have done. Now, try not to judge me too hard, I was not in a sound state of mind, I wasn't thinking with my brain but the fake confidence.
I started working on the songs I was composing, I did this for the next 19 hours. Now when I work on my music I stop thinking about all else in the world, even my high. I felt the euphoria and felt it rising and the last 80mg kicking in but I wasn?t focused on it and didn?t really notice the speed. A little bit later I got my first red flag. When I took Vyvanse the last couple times I got tingles going down my scalp, I used to get it on meth all the time when a hit was kicking in. This time wasn?t any different, except I was getting them every couple minute instead of just one here or there. Also, I noticed if I coughed or moved I?d get tingles that would go down past my shoulder blades, unusual for me and this lasted for the entire experience. I didn?t think anything of it and figured I was just really high and continued working on my songs.
About 30 minutes later I was yanked out of my concentration by panic. Now, I?ve had a problem with panic attacks since I had a bad acid trip 3 years earlier. However, what I felt at that moment wasn't a panic attack. Panic attacks feel panicky, sort of like an adrenaline rush that you weren't trying to get. As well there's always a piece of my mind that knows that its just a panic attack and it will end. This had none of those qualities. It was raw unfiltered terror and panic, like my instincts were telling my body you need to panic, your going to die. It was all consuming I couldn't think through it. I know that sounds like a panic attack but this felt more real, like there was a very good real rational reason my body was freaking out.
I stood up and things got worse. The world shifted and it didn't look the same. Everything was vivid, similar to a ten strip of acid. Textures and things looked like I was seeing them for the first time properly. Like all the other times they weren't in good quality. Like watching a new top shelf HD television when you've been using a 1990?s television for years and thought that was the clearest it could get. I took a step and the panic got worse because I realized my legs felt like rubber and like they didn't fully exist. When I walked it was like the floor kept getting lower every time I tried to bring my foot down, like it would drop a good foot. I also felt like I was walking with this bouncing wobbly stride, even though I knew I was walking normally. The world also looked one dimensional and made of some thin material, with nothing but empty space behind it. Suddenly my pulse skyrocketed to an insane rate. I?ve had some pretty hard meth and coke binges but even then, my heart never went as quick as it did now. I could have used it to play flight of the bumble bee. I was too scared to measure it but I'd guess it was over 115 bpm. I could feel it push against my ribs. And I could also feel my veins, they felt like they were about to burst from so much blood being in them. My chest started to hurt, like someone had cracked a bone and the muscles were cramping. I started to tremble uncontrollably. The panic intensified. I decided to go get more cigarettes, while I was walking there the trembling got worse and my heart rate quickened even more.
At one point I went to tie my shoe and my leg started to shake uncontrollably and wildly.
When I went home I went back to song writing to distract myself. Things got worse from there. The next thing that came up was the delirium. I?ve tried Benadryl and DXM and experienced a bit of that but this was something else. Here?s an example so you can gauge the severity. I was inputting notes into the computer program and suddenly the melody became literally alive, and I mean that by definition they were LITTERALY alive. They had become two people talking to the tune of the melody saying things like ?We love the melody, yes we just love working on the melody.? They said all this in tune with it and while they talked they stacked boxes. It wasn?t like a weird thought like I sometimes get when really stoned, it was like my mind was gone and replaced by that, my mind couldn?t waver from it. It was almost mixed in with my reality, like being asleep while awake. After a bit I got up and felt worse. The world was looking sharper now but everything was starting to move like on acid. I noticed that every crack on the wall and line on my hand were incredibly deep, like they were bottomless pits. I realized everything had a faint pattern on it, the best way to describe it is acid, but it doesn?t do it justice. It was like the world didn?t exist anymore, like I had stepped outside of it and was looking at reality from the outside in. I felt like I was floating when I walked and my mind was 2 feet above my head, and my brain felt wrong and like it was full of water and disorganized, like I couldn?t gather a proper thought, like each thought was converging with each other, like two rivers meeting. I got some water and realized my kidneys and lower stomach were hurting.
I sat back down to write my music and suddenly the notes on the sheet music seemed far away, my computer was were it normal should be but what was on the screen was way out in the distance by what visually looked like 2 ft. Now I had mentioned I was delirious so I shouldn't be able to remember it, but somehow I do, I remember every detail of that horrible night: feelings, visuals and all. I think it scared me so bad it got burned into my memory. At this point I became truly worried that I had given myself brain damage and would forever be like this. I?ve never had that thought, even on a lot of hallucinogenics.
Things continued on like this, shaking, delusional, and unable to look at anything other then my screen. When I did look away reality looked too real and not real at the same time. Like I was having hyper reality while simultaneously dissociating. Nothing looked right, everything was too vivid, full of to much color, and my brain felt like it was dying. If I ever have a stroke or a tumor I can imagine it would be like what I was feeling and seeing. So, I just continued to write music.
As things got worse I began to feel the crash from the first dose, though I could barely notice it, I couldn't feel the panic either, even though I knew it was there. By this point I had hit a deep and all-consuming apathy. I was devoid of any feelings of fear, regret, sadness, tiredness, anything. It was like I was an empty shell with no soul. This is when I started to hallucinate, at first it was light, just whispers or the occasional sound. But they felt like they were just hallucinations and in my head.
I was beginning to feel sick so I smoked about a bowl of weed, it was cut with tobacco with about a third being weed and the being tobacco so it wasn't like smoking a bowl of pure weed. Maybe I had another half of one, I really don?t remember if I did or if that was from earlier when I was coming up on the first one. See by this point a type of time dilation had set in. It wasn't like acid where time was stretched out, or meth were time goes by quickly, it was like it straight up didn?t exist it was like the clock was broken and telling different times even though no time had passed. I?d look at it and not know what it meant because to me it was still 8:30 am when I took the last doses.
Anyways, I had the weed and sat down. I was disappointed because it didn't even touch me, I might as well have snorted it for all the good it did. About 20 minutes later the real hallucinations started, before it was just whispering, I could talk myself into the idea it was the TV or fan. There was no talking myself out of these. I've taken up to 26 hits of acid, and no I'm not exaggerating my friend drugged me 15 and I didn't know so I took a ten strip since it was the weekend and he didn't tell me he drugged me till I had already taken them, and that was nothing compared to these.
What I saw makes acid hallucinations seem like nothing more then a mildly interesting optical illusion. What I saw looked real, more real then reality had ever looked. Even now while writing this reality looks dull and dim after having seen what I saw. The first one was out of the corner of my eyes, it looked like shadow people. Nothing bad, I?ve had that on meth. However, suddenly I saw a stained-glass window laying on my lap going under my desk. It looked so real I could have run my hand along the glass. It didn?t go away quickly either it stayed a good 15 second. They got exponentially worse from there. The auditory ones did too, filling the room and overlapping upon one another becoming just a jumble of sounds, I could barely hear the melody I was working on over them and kept mistaking the hallucination for the sound the note was making (I use guitar pro).
I tried to continue writing my music but I couldn't by this point. The image on the screen had become 3 dimensional, going diagonally like a line drawn from one corner of a cube to the other. One end of the notes was very far away, while the other was very close. I realized then that I had Alice in Wonderland Syndrome because my hands look far away and like they were a child?s too. I also couldn't hear the notes anymore, they sounded like noise, no melody or anything. I also couldn't make them out over the auditory hallucinations. As well, I couldn't hit the right keys, it was like they were invisible and I couldn't find them, I guess my motor control might have been going out.
I decided to go to bed, even though I wasn't tired in the slightest, though it had been 19 hours since my last dose so I figured I might be able to sleep. I went to bed just to give my mind a break and hopefully wake up normal, though a large piece of me doubted I would. When I got up I had a hard time walking on the floor because it had morphed into a giant Mandela, it didn't even look like the floor, more like someone had made it with thick rope and put it on a dark brown sheet, it was also revolving slowly.
Around this time things had gotten as bad as I can imagine them being. For the first time in my life I couldn't distinguish reality from my hallucinations. They had completely merged, the room was full of things: balls of light, animals, people, formless items, etc. all merged seamlessly with reality. Also, about this point I stopped being able to make proper thoughts. When I think its my voice in my head talking, you know a thought. But I couldn't do that, instead I was thinking with emotions and images if you can imagine that. I lay down and suddenly the ceiling broke apart, pieces started to move by about a good 3 feet. The sections of the ceiling and the rest of the room were covered in colors I haven?t seen before, the best I can describe it was a yellow green. It was like someone had built my room underwater and put drops of food coloring in it.
As I lay there staring at the ceiling I suddenly felt like I was dying. My breathing got lower, my mind became blank, I suddenly was very still and didn't want to move anymore. And my body began to feel like it wasn't there, like I was a soul just floating over the bed. I moved my hand, wondering if I?d get tracers, and instead my hand didn't move but the world moved around it, making space for my hand, bunching up and getting wrinkled as it moved past it. I noticed around my hand looked like it had the outline of hundreds of tiny grey shapes on it.
I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep however the hallucinations were completely taking over my brain, making me forget were I was or what was happening. For instance, I suddenly felt dissociated and saw two women that looked hideous, they physically weren't unattractive but somehow, they were ugly. Suddenly they lunged at me, grabbed my face, and started making this deep bubbling sound that started out loud and quickly went quiet, like someone trying to mimic the sounds of bubbles rising and popping underwater but in a really deep voice. Over them was a male voice, but it didn't sound human. It sounded like what I?d imagine a demon to sound like, it was like Beelzebub himself was in my head. It felt deep, soulless, and purely evil. While saying this they moved my face around. It felt like it was made of clay, I could actually feel both my mind, body, and the world around me being mushed, stretched, and moved. It felt like it was happening in the real world. My eyes snapped open, expecting to still be there when I opened my eyes. Suddenly I saw a demon towering over me. It was huge, taking up most of the room, leaning over towards me, wearing a tattered hooded robe. Its nails were part of its hand and they were long, knurled, and came to a dangerous point like a dead tree branch. It went away after a couple seconds and at that moment desperation for it all to end consumed me, or I had the thoughts associated with that feeling at least, I was so worried I?d permanently fucked my brain and I?d be forever a vegetable. Sleep was the last card I had to feel better.
I closed my eyes again and it wasn't better then before, I didn't open them again, mainly because I couldn't, maybe because I finally had slipped away and my mind wasn't working at all, it had stopped trying to resist and was just being pushed this way and that. I kept thinking that my eyes were open and I was somewhere else. Twice I suddenly sat up and started talking to the people that I thought was sitting in a living room with only to realize I was alone in my room, this realization didn't last long because I immediately thought they were real again and did it again.. I don?t remember falling asleep or any dreams. I think my brain more gave out and just shut down. I only remember trying to fall asleep for maybe 3 minutes before the next thing I knew I was waking up.
What I experienced that night was unlike anything I ever have before, I?ve done just about every mainstream drug you can get and it still was unlike any of them. The hallucinations dwarfed acid, shrooms, DMT, and Salvia. The delirium was worse then Benadryl and DXM combined. I have never experienced what I did, I hope one of you might or might at least be able to shed some light on what I experienced because there?s nothing online that comes close to describing it. Now, the next morning I felt better, but terrible in a different way. I was emotionally crashing, which is expected of an upper, but it was stronger then the last time, I felt like I had had a meth binge the night before and it got worse as the day progressed. I also was still trembly, I could barely hold my coffee cup. My heart rate was still beating quickly and hard, but not even close to as much as the night before, more like if I had some coke. My chest hurt like someone had been punching it all night, and I was sweating and tired like it was 109 degrees out and I ran a marathon. But that was nothing compared to how my mind felt and feels. I feel like I came back from insanity, my mind feels thin and cracked like at any moment it will shatter and I?ll forever be insane. Its like I got PTSD from it, I keep having memories of it flash up and it fills me with dread and I can?t help but shiver. My mind also feels wrong, I really want to describe how it feels because I think it could help answer my questions and give me advice, but I can?t. I just mentally feel wrong, maybe bloated is a good word. My mind keeps going completely blank too, causing me to just stare blankly into the distance. I do that normally, I?m guessing from years of constant pot smoking, but it happened 4 or 5 times while my friend was over for a few hours sitting with me and helping me cope.
Today its been 36 hours and I haven?t felt any better from yesterday, if anything I feel worse. My crash is hard, its one of the worse I've ever had. I also still feel mentally scarred and like I?m on the verge of madness. I tried to convince myself that night was just a really hard crash that was unique to Vyvanse, but my friend pointed out that its more likely I overdosed. So, did I overdose that night or was it something else? How close do you think I was to death? I just need to know for my own mental comfort, I?m stuck in the dark not knowing why I feel this way and its messing me up, I need somewhere to start so I can repair myself. That?s the other things, does anyone have advice about how to handle this feeling of madness mixed with an upper crash? My friend didn?t have a confident answer for any of these questions, so I?m turning to the internet. I apologize again for such a long post and for so much detail, but I figured if you?re going to properly determine things like this you need to know all the details, similar to talking to a doctor about a problem. I also just want to say one thing, please don?t reply telling me how stupid I am or how I have a drug problem. I already know both these things, trust me I gave it a good amount of thought last night and don?t plan on getting high for a long time. I?m just in a very fragile state, like my mind and heart are made of glass, so I don?t think I can handle getting berated by the internet. So please be conscious of where my mind is at, if you can do that I?d very much appreciate it.
I was prescribed 40 mg Vyvanse about 3 months ago. Since then I've done a recreational dose twice. The first time I took 120mg at about 11:30 AM. However, I couldn't sleep that entire night. I just lay there staring at the ceiling. I had come down finally around 1 AM but had insomnia. I gave up around 6am and decided to take another 120mg so I wouldn't be tired and groggy all day. I was fine and had a good time with both doses. I mention this so you know I'm not allergic and what happened wasn't because of an adverse reaction. This and so you might be able to understand my logic when I took too much.
Now, before I had first tried Vyvanse I read all the trip reports I could find and talked to my friends who had done it. I found an average amount people take and my friends said 180 mg was the max you could take, possibly 200 but that would be pushing it.
Now two nights ago I took 120mg of Vyvanse. It was 1:11 AM (I checked the clock and put it to memory so I could monitor its progress time wise). I took these this early because I figured I'd be high till the afternoon (the last two times it lasted about 12-14 hours) and would be long past the comedown by the time I went to bed so I'd be able to sleep. A few hours later I peaked. I was high as shit and I knew I wouldn't come down for hours. This is when my first mistake happened. I felt a pleasant euphoria and the usual upper things. I then realized with disappointment that be noon it would be done. I didn't want it to ever end. I decided to take two more for a total of 200 mg. I figured since they weren't taken all at once it wouldn't be dangerous, plus last time I was fine though I didn't think of the fact that the last time the dosages were 19 hours apart long enough for one to be done before the other started. 200mg was the absolute max dose one could take we figured, not necessarily safely though. I figured what would happen is what happens when I take more acid after the come up, I wouldn't get any higher just would stay high longer. I was wrong.
About an hour later I began to come up again. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I had taken more to extend it, not to get higher, and I was already going almost too fast. Though I wasn't overly worried. It is a good time to mention that I've done a lot of drugs over the years, and I mean a lot of them from meth to Ritalin to Coke. So, I'm familiar with uppers and used to crashes and changes to my psyche. However, for nearly 3 years I've done nothing but weed and the occasional line of coke. So mentally I had almost forgotten what being really high was like.
Any ways I wasn't worried because I've had meth binges where I was way higher and was still fine. So, I didn't think about it and just enjoyed the experience. Within an hour I was one of the highest I've been, mostly euphoria, clarity, and a lot of energy. The euphoria was the strongest part, surprisingly, and with it was the usual confidence. I felt like I could handle anything and do anything. I wondered how much higher I could get, and my confidence told me I could handle tons more. So, I took 2 more for a total of 280 mg, more than twice what I had read of anyone doing or my friends have done. Now, try not to judge me too hard, I was not in a sound state of mind, I wasn't thinking with my brain but the fake confidence.
I started working on the songs I was composing, I did this for the next 19 hours. Now when I work on my music I stop thinking about all else in the world, even my high. I felt the euphoria and felt it rising and the last 80mg kicking in but I wasn?t focused on it and didn?t really notice the speed. A little bit later I got my first red flag. When I took Vyvanse the last couple times I got tingles going down my scalp, I used to get it on meth all the time when a hit was kicking in. This time wasn?t any different, except I was getting them every couple minute instead of just one here or there. Also, I noticed if I coughed or moved I?d get tingles that would go down past my shoulder blades, unusual for me and this lasted for the entire experience. I didn?t think anything of it and figured I was just really high and continued working on my songs.
About 30 minutes later I was yanked out of my concentration by panic. Now, I?ve had a problem with panic attacks since I had a bad acid trip 3 years earlier. However, what I felt at that moment wasn't a panic attack. Panic attacks feel panicky, sort of like an adrenaline rush that you weren't trying to get. As well there's always a piece of my mind that knows that its just a panic attack and it will end. This had none of those qualities. It was raw unfiltered terror and panic, like my instincts were telling my body you need to panic, your going to die. It was all consuming I couldn't think through it. I know that sounds like a panic attack but this felt more real, like there was a very good real rational reason my body was freaking out.
I stood up and things got worse. The world shifted and it didn't look the same. Everything was vivid, similar to a ten strip of acid. Textures and things looked like I was seeing them for the first time properly. Like all the other times they weren't in good quality. Like watching a new top shelf HD television when you've been using a 1990?s television for years and thought that was the clearest it could get. I took a step and the panic got worse because I realized my legs felt like rubber and like they didn't fully exist. When I walked it was like the floor kept getting lower every time I tried to bring my foot down, like it would drop a good foot. I also felt like I was walking with this bouncing wobbly stride, even though I knew I was walking normally. The world also looked one dimensional and made of some thin material, with nothing but empty space behind it. Suddenly my pulse skyrocketed to an insane rate. I?ve had some pretty hard meth and coke binges but even then, my heart never went as quick as it did now. I could have used it to play flight of the bumble bee. I was too scared to measure it but I'd guess it was over 115 bpm. I could feel it push against my ribs. And I could also feel my veins, they felt like they were about to burst from so much blood being in them. My chest started to hurt, like someone had cracked a bone and the muscles were cramping. I started to tremble uncontrollably. The panic intensified. I decided to go get more cigarettes, while I was walking there the trembling got worse and my heart rate quickened even more.
At one point I went to tie my shoe and my leg started to shake uncontrollably and wildly.
When I went home I went back to song writing to distract myself. Things got worse from there. The next thing that came up was the delirium. I?ve tried Benadryl and DXM and experienced a bit of that but this was something else. Here?s an example so you can gauge the severity. I was inputting notes into the computer program and suddenly the melody became literally alive, and I mean that by definition they were LITTERALY alive. They had become two people talking to the tune of the melody saying things like ?We love the melody, yes we just love working on the melody.? They said all this in tune with it and while they talked they stacked boxes. It wasn?t like a weird thought like I sometimes get when really stoned, it was like my mind was gone and replaced by that, my mind couldn?t waver from it. It was almost mixed in with my reality, like being asleep while awake. After a bit I got up and felt worse. The world was looking sharper now but everything was starting to move like on acid. I noticed that every crack on the wall and line on my hand were incredibly deep, like they were bottomless pits. I realized everything had a faint pattern on it, the best way to describe it is acid, but it doesn?t do it justice. It was like the world didn?t exist anymore, like I had stepped outside of it and was looking at reality from the outside in. I felt like I was floating when I walked and my mind was 2 feet above my head, and my brain felt wrong and like it was full of water and disorganized, like I couldn?t gather a proper thought, like each thought was converging with each other, like two rivers meeting. I got some water and realized my kidneys and lower stomach were hurting.
I sat back down to write my music and suddenly the notes on the sheet music seemed far away, my computer was were it normal should be but what was on the screen was way out in the distance by what visually looked like 2 ft. Now I had mentioned I was delirious so I shouldn't be able to remember it, but somehow I do, I remember every detail of that horrible night: feelings, visuals and all. I think it scared me so bad it got burned into my memory. At this point I became truly worried that I had given myself brain damage and would forever be like this. I?ve never had that thought, even on a lot of hallucinogenics.
Things continued on like this, shaking, delusional, and unable to look at anything other then my screen. When I did look away reality looked too real and not real at the same time. Like I was having hyper reality while simultaneously dissociating. Nothing looked right, everything was too vivid, full of to much color, and my brain felt like it was dying. If I ever have a stroke or a tumor I can imagine it would be like what I was feeling and seeing. So, I just continued to write music.
As things got worse I began to feel the crash from the first dose, though I could barely notice it, I couldn't feel the panic either, even though I knew it was there. By this point I had hit a deep and all-consuming apathy. I was devoid of any feelings of fear, regret, sadness, tiredness, anything. It was like I was an empty shell with no soul. This is when I started to hallucinate, at first it was light, just whispers or the occasional sound. But they felt like they were just hallucinations and in my head.
I was beginning to feel sick so I smoked about a bowl of weed, it was cut with tobacco with about a third being weed and the being tobacco so it wasn't like smoking a bowl of pure weed. Maybe I had another half of one, I really don?t remember if I did or if that was from earlier when I was coming up on the first one. See by this point a type of time dilation had set in. It wasn't like acid where time was stretched out, or meth were time goes by quickly, it was like it straight up didn?t exist it was like the clock was broken and telling different times even though no time had passed. I?d look at it and not know what it meant because to me it was still 8:30 am when I took the last doses.
Anyways, I had the weed and sat down. I was disappointed because it didn't even touch me, I might as well have snorted it for all the good it did. About 20 minutes later the real hallucinations started, before it was just whispering, I could talk myself into the idea it was the TV or fan. There was no talking myself out of these. I've taken up to 26 hits of acid, and no I'm not exaggerating my friend drugged me 15 and I didn't know so I took a ten strip since it was the weekend and he didn't tell me he drugged me till I had already taken them, and that was nothing compared to these.
What I saw makes acid hallucinations seem like nothing more then a mildly interesting optical illusion. What I saw looked real, more real then reality had ever looked. Even now while writing this reality looks dull and dim after having seen what I saw. The first one was out of the corner of my eyes, it looked like shadow people. Nothing bad, I?ve had that on meth. However, suddenly I saw a stained-glass window laying on my lap going under my desk. It looked so real I could have run my hand along the glass. It didn?t go away quickly either it stayed a good 15 second. They got exponentially worse from there. The auditory ones did too, filling the room and overlapping upon one another becoming just a jumble of sounds, I could barely hear the melody I was working on over them and kept mistaking the hallucination for the sound the note was making (I use guitar pro).
I tried to continue writing my music but I couldn't by this point. The image on the screen had become 3 dimensional, going diagonally like a line drawn from one corner of a cube to the other. One end of the notes was very far away, while the other was very close. I realized then that I had Alice in Wonderland Syndrome because my hands look far away and like they were a child?s too. I also couldn't hear the notes anymore, they sounded like noise, no melody or anything. I also couldn't make them out over the auditory hallucinations. As well, I couldn't hit the right keys, it was like they were invisible and I couldn't find them, I guess my motor control might have been going out.
I decided to go to bed, even though I wasn't tired in the slightest, though it had been 19 hours since my last dose so I figured I might be able to sleep. I went to bed just to give my mind a break and hopefully wake up normal, though a large piece of me doubted I would. When I got up I had a hard time walking on the floor because it had morphed into a giant Mandela, it didn't even look like the floor, more like someone had made it with thick rope and put it on a dark brown sheet, it was also revolving slowly.
Around this time things had gotten as bad as I can imagine them being. For the first time in my life I couldn't distinguish reality from my hallucinations. They had completely merged, the room was full of things: balls of light, animals, people, formless items, etc. all merged seamlessly with reality. Also, about this point I stopped being able to make proper thoughts. When I think its my voice in my head talking, you know a thought. But I couldn't do that, instead I was thinking with emotions and images if you can imagine that. I lay down and suddenly the ceiling broke apart, pieces started to move by about a good 3 feet. The sections of the ceiling and the rest of the room were covered in colors I haven?t seen before, the best I can describe it was a yellow green. It was like someone had built my room underwater and put drops of food coloring in it.
As I lay there staring at the ceiling I suddenly felt like I was dying. My breathing got lower, my mind became blank, I suddenly was very still and didn't want to move anymore. And my body began to feel like it wasn't there, like I was a soul just floating over the bed. I moved my hand, wondering if I?d get tracers, and instead my hand didn't move but the world moved around it, making space for my hand, bunching up and getting wrinkled as it moved past it. I noticed around my hand looked like it had the outline of hundreds of tiny grey shapes on it.
I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep however the hallucinations were completely taking over my brain, making me forget were I was or what was happening. For instance, I suddenly felt dissociated and saw two women that looked hideous, they physically weren't unattractive but somehow, they were ugly. Suddenly they lunged at me, grabbed my face, and started making this deep bubbling sound that started out loud and quickly went quiet, like someone trying to mimic the sounds of bubbles rising and popping underwater but in a really deep voice. Over them was a male voice, but it didn't sound human. It sounded like what I?d imagine a demon to sound like, it was like Beelzebub himself was in my head. It felt deep, soulless, and purely evil. While saying this they moved my face around. It felt like it was made of clay, I could actually feel both my mind, body, and the world around me being mushed, stretched, and moved. It felt like it was happening in the real world. My eyes snapped open, expecting to still be there when I opened my eyes. Suddenly I saw a demon towering over me. It was huge, taking up most of the room, leaning over towards me, wearing a tattered hooded robe. Its nails were part of its hand and they were long, knurled, and came to a dangerous point like a dead tree branch. It went away after a couple seconds and at that moment desperation for it all to end consumed me, or I had the thoughts associated with that feeling at least, I was so worried I?d permanently fucked my brain and I?d be forever a vegetable. Sleep was the last card I had to feel better.
I closed my eyes again and it wasn't better then before, I didn't open them again, mainly because I couldn't, maybe because I finally had slipped away and my mind wasn't working at all, it had stopped trying to resist and was just being pushed this way and that. I kept thinking that my eyes were open and I was somewhere else. Twice I suddenly sat up and started talking to the people that I thought was sitting in a living room with only to realize I was alone in my room, this realization didn't last long because I immediately thought they were real again and did it again.. I don?t remember falling asleep or any dreams. I think my brain more gave out and just shut down. I only remember trying to fall asleep for maybe 3 minutes before the next thing I knew I was waking up.
What I experienced that night was unlike anything I ever have before, I?ve done just about every mainstream drug you can get and it still was unlike any of them. The hallucinations dwarfed acid, shrooms, DMT, and Salvia. The delirium was worse then Benadryl and DXM combined. I have never experienced what I did, I hope one of you might or might at least be able to shed some light on what I experienced because there?s nothing online that comes close to describing it. Now, the next morning I felt better, but terrible in a different way. I was emotionally crashing, which is expected of an upper, but it was stronger then the last time, I felt like I had had a meth binge the night before and it got worse as the day progressed. I also was still trembly, I could barely hold my coffee cup. My heart rate was still beating quickly and hard, but not even close to as much as the night before, more like if I had some coke. My chest hurt like someone had been punching it all night, and I was sweating and tired like it was 109 degrees out and I ran a marathon. But that was nothing compared to how my mind felt and feels. I feel like I came back from insanity, my mind feels thin and cracked like at any moment it will shatter and I?ll forever be insane. Its like I got PTSD from it, I keep having memories of it flash up and it fills me with dread and I can?t help but shiver. My mind also feels wrong, I really want to describe how it feels because I think it could help answer my questions and give me advice, but I can?t. I just mentally feel wrong, maybe bloated is a good word. My mind keeps going completely blank too, causing me to just stare blankly into the distance. I do that normally, I?m guessing from years of constant pot smoking, but it happened 4 or 5 times while my friend was over for a few hours sitting with me and helping me cope.
Today its been 36 hours and I haven?t felt any better from yesterday, if anything I feel worse. My crash is hard, its one of the worse I've ever had. I also still feel mentally scarred and like I?m on the verge of madness. I tried to convince myself that night was just a really hard crash that was unique to Vyvanse, but my friend pointed out that its more likely I overdosed. So, did I overdose that night or was it something else? How close do you think I was to death? I just need to know for my own mental comfort, I?m stuck in the dark not knowing why I feel this way and its messing me up, I need somewhere to start so I can repair myself. That?s the other things, does anyone have advice about how to handle this feeling of madness mixed with an upper crash? My friend didn?t have a confident answer for any of these questions, so I?m turning to the internet. I apologize again for such a long post and for so much detail, but I figured if you?re going to properly determine things like this you need to know all the details, similar to talking to a doctor about a problem. I also just want to say one thing, please don?t reply telling me how stupid I am or how I have a drug problem. I already know both these things, trust me I gave it a good amount of thought last night and don?t plan on getting high for a long time. I?m just in a very fragile state, like my mind and heart are made of glass, so I don?t think I can handle getting berated by the internet. So please be conscious of where my mind is at, if you can do that I?d very much appreciate it.
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