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Feeling guilty after cravings/fantasizing drug use

yompf

yompf

Bluelighter
Joined
May 14, 2017
Messages
462
I'm 31 . I did heroine for 5 years quit and the past 5 years almost 6 I've been a poly drug user . Oh I did meth for year after the heroine.
It's been 2 months nothing but weed , and the quarter of a pill I found in my closet a month ago.
A lot has changed and is changing. I'm growing as a person. I'm starting to be conscious of healthy habits and ways of thinking.
I'm ready to deal with my problems and not escape from them.
Cravings are going to happen I know , but I am finding myself indulging in them more and more. I mean that I indulge in the feeling, the memory. I guess I start fantasize about it.
I feel so guilty . I'm betraying my loved ones . I owe it to them , and to myself. I've had so many positive things happen and I experienced some wonderful things recently. I have so much to be grateful for . How could I sit and think about doing the thing that did so much harm. It's only the worst one too. My first love Oxy.
I still talk about drugs with people and make jokes and comments.
It can only mean that I'm selfish.
What would you tell a selfish person?
 
Nothing to feel guilty about at all. As addicts, the miracle is that we ever stay clean-- even for a day. Urges, cravings, fantasies will happen. If they bother you, I'd suggest finding a way to distract yourself.

Peace&Love,
jasper
 
Whats to feel guilty about? The thoughts will always be there but the fact you make a conscious choice to not use drugs is what separates you from a using addict.

You will always be a addict though, its just you choose not to get high.

The addictive mind is cunning and will try and trick you whenever it sense weakness. just observe your thoughts on using drugs but don't judge them as good or bad just let them pass its useless to fight them.
 
^ I never liked that whole NA thing , when they tell you you will always be an addict. If your not using then you get to call yourself a "recovering" addict .
I believe in "RECOVERED" addicts.
It's not so much the cravings that get me down. It's the fantasizing.
Distracting myself.... yes @jasper
 
^what do you have going on in your life right now?

The fantasying about drug use is usually indicative that there are metaphorical holes in your heart. That is to say, you have unmet needs. Living with unmet needs AND not knowing where to direct the effort to meet them would definitely qualify as suffering. Even if everything else is okay with your life conditions, unmet needs can make even the most ideal circumstances seem hellish.

So, I wonder what's missing for you? This is why I like the idea that recovery is all about exploring. How else to recover, but focusing efforts on discovering ways to meet unmet needs? And that takes exploring.

Luckily exploration involves a good deal of fun. Any idea how you can mix things up a little bit, to try something new in both smaller and bigger ways (from buying different kinds of apples each time you're at the market to making a career change, etc)? Not necessarily suggesting making big changes ATM, but definitely do consider making some small ones.

IME lots of small efforts pay off sooner than one might think.
 
Yes TPD I've been thinking alot latley about what's missing. I have everything I need right now , but I still feel bad. I have taken time to be grateful for everything that is in my life. But still I feel confused and lost. .meditation , exploration of self. This is helping. I know that I feel this way , like something is missing , because I am holding onto an artificial beleif and past baggage that wants to be released. Of course I am confused if I am holding onto artificial beleifs. (I've been focusing on the spiritual and working with a healer who deals with deprogramming)
I just don't know exactly what it is, I think soon (hope) that I can cry it all out and claim my freedom.

You know a few days after I made this thread , I used.
My friend came over and offered me a 15 mg Roxy. I borrowed a rig and did it.
I felt bad afterwards as u would expect.(but really good too lol) But the guilt , hate,self loathing , and fear from the confidence that I thought I would lose... Didn't happen.
The next day , I felt so GOOD. SCARY happy ,like something bad was about to happen , because how can I feel so happy all the sudden especially after what did?
The good feeling didn't last past that day (the day after I used) but nothing bad has happened. I don't look back and feel BAD either about what I did. I haven't thought about it at all really since. I do remember how good I felt a couple weeks ago , and it has nothing to do with drugs.
I feel I had unseen support.
I feel strong.

Fantasizing about using is so NOT ok. For me it just meant that I was about to use.
Your post makes alot of sense thank you.

I feel I have things that need to be released before my needs can be truly met.
 
^I know the feeling of needing release before I'm more able to meet my needs. Oh how I know this :(

Do you have any means of processing (releasing) what you need to in order to get to a place where you feel more able to meet your own needs?

BTW fantasy is so hard. One of the best ways I've found to deal with it is finding ways to stay busy, balanced against taking care of my most basic needs (HALT - ensuring I don't get too horribly hungry/angry/lonely/tired).

Does the HALT thing apply to your situation? If so, I'd love to hear how :)
 
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