Mon, Aug 27th 2018 - 59 days
Sixty days sober tomorrow. Man, life. I can go on and on about how I hate this, hate that, hate you, hate myself. I think I just hate that I'm fuckin sober sometimes, you know? Nothing is instant anymore and it takes effort to get point a to b. When I was using drugs I took a line and BAM I feel fuckin amazing.
Not sure if this carries over for other addicts but it seems as a meth addict all the guess work was taken out of life. Towards the end of my addiction I became too lazy to even think, too lazy to understand or comprehend. I began generalizing, a lot. I don't know you, so I may as well assume you're not worth a damn. Something goes wrong? May as well go back to bed. I didn't have a care in the world when I was using, I was always certain whenever I fell I'd land on a bed of pillows with velvet sheets. That bed was so nice, I tucked myself in and just started watching time go by as a self fullfilled entity.
I'm sober now. The bed is cold concrete and I'm still frail and falling constantly (if I can stand!!). Everything aches in this indescribable way. My mind has atrophied and the pain of even making minute decisions is very stressful. I feel like a celebrity walking out of their newest film to droves of paparazzi. Everyone including myself wants me to do so much it feels, all eyes are on me and theres so much pressure on me to live life as a normal human being and only I can save the day (myself).
Today I consciously moved the apps on my phone so it doesn't look so messy. I was mildly pissed off for god knows how long but I actually took it upon myself to make things better. I couldn't even be bothered to do my tax refund for $1,200 a couple months ago because I was too damned lazy to make a couple phone calls.
