Psychologist wants me to go to rehab but I'm 76 days sober. What would you do?

[Captain.Heroin]

the antidepressants might not be helping much and could be making things worse.

In my experience they only make you seem happier by limiting your affect range significantly close to "no emotions". For people who are centered almost entirely around bad feelings, it can help.

But there's a natural happiness "range" or "octave" that SSRI's effectively prevent you from reaching. Again, this is my subjective experience, and what I believe (doesn't have to be the case for anyone/everyone).

Hope you are well man. You can always PM me if things are going rough.

Apologies if you already spoke to this and I missed it, but I’m curious: what are you doing with your time right now?

Great question to ask.

 

[Jabberwocky]

And ftr I was thinking of a psychiatrist to help specifically with something like a diazepam taper.

Antidepressant may or may not help, but what you really need is support with the alcohol specific detox issue. Alcohol use seems to ensue antidepressants won’t work very well. At least you’re not trying to mess with it right now though, as waiting until post alcohol detox is a smart move (with the small caveat that the antidepressant isn’t exacerbating the alcohol withdrawal).

With the cravings, you might want to look into this OP: https://www.mindfulrp.com/For-Clinicians.html Modalities like that can be incredibly helpful maintaining long term recovery.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Thanks again guys for the recommendations.

I have myself booked in with a psychiatrist on the 27th of this month so will be interesting to see what he says.

At present my craving for alcohol and cigarettes is non existent as with the gambling. I entertain the idea of drinking and smoking but it is at the low threshold and the thoughts are occuring now less and less.

It is the cocaine which I seem to be craving more of. I just want an upper to get me moving and caffeine doesn't do a good job of that nor does eating sugary treats. The part I am not craving is the paranoia that comes with downing Cocaethylene, i.e. alcohol and coke. The paranoia can be fun, fuck it even led me walking through bushes at night because I thought people were around me and all I wanted to do was the coke I had on me. I would keep on thinking that I need to hide further to take it as then no one would see me. Mind you this would be at 12 - 3 am when there was no one there. Once I even had a bit of cardboard with lines on it and I kept on walking with the platter of coke for a good 20 minutes deeper into this bush path as I was thinking I still can't have the coke as someone might see me. Crazy crazy I never expected to go through something like that this year.

 

[Mafioso]

+1

It never ceases to disgust me how 99% of rehabs will do anything to convince and exploit people into giving them money (or your insurance). Especially considering how invasive something like inpatient rehab is, presenting it like the ultimate solution isn't just disingenuous, it's downright harmful. For ever benefit there's at least one risk.

I'm actually writing a paper right now on my earlier experience with the recovery industry on this, topic being how to help (and how "help" can harm when it's not firmly centered on a compassionate, client centered approach to care).

The paper will have some good quotes (heroinhelper ftw!), so I'll try and remember to share in SL when I'm done

I've got some interesting stories to add to that if you need. The inpatient rehab I was sent to cost $30k/mo and could justify the cost because it was dual-diagnosis/COD and having just went through a psychotic episode, I didn't really have any choices. While I was there, besides it being horribly understaffed(only 2 full time employees including owner/director), there were quite a few things discovered that were horribly unethical and some even illegal. The story sounds unreal and being that a month before that I had microphones in my hair, I haven't really shared it in full with many. Pretty sure it would quialify as insurance fraud tho.

But yeah, even while I was there they were constantly trying to upsell me on care. First saying that 28 days is too short and that 90 days is ideal. Then at 40 days they started saying even 90 days would be too short and that I could benefit from staying there for a year even. Also talking a lot about how expensive it was to run a house even though they only had 3 residents with a max capacity of 6- really just trying to justify an outrageous cost. PM if you want details.

Oh yeah, and when I had decided to leave early after discovering some shady shit, the director comes to my room and starts getting all creepy. She even puts her arms out and starts saying she loves me then hugs me as I stand there.

Thanks again guys for the recommendations.

I have myself booked in with a psychiatrist on the 27th of this month so will be interesting to see what he says.

At present my craving for alcohol and cigarettes is non existent as with the gambling. I entertain the idea of drinking and smoking but it is at the low threshold and the thoughts are occuring now less and less.

It is the cocaine which I seem to be craving more of. I just want an upper to get me moving and caffeine doesn't do a good job of that nor does eating sugary treats. The part I am not craving is the paranoia that comes with downing Cocaethylene, i.e. alcohol and coke. The paranoia can be fun, fuck it even led me walking through bushes at night because I thought people were around me and all I wanted to do was the coke I had on me. I would keep on thinking that I need to hide further to take it as then no one would see me. Mind you this would be at 12 - 3 am when there was no one there. Once I even had a bit of cardboard with lines on it and I kept on walking with the platter of coke for a good 20 minutes deeper into this bush path as I was thinking I still can't have the coke as someone might see me. Crazy crazy

I never expected to go through something like that this year.

Have you worked with any therapist or counselors for the issues that you are seeing a psychiatrist for?

 

[Ds]

I personally don't think that everyone needs rehab. It's really designed to be that 'last place on the corner' and should only be used if you feel like you need it.
I agree with a lot of whats being said in here, and would like to point out that one of my best friends 'irl' i met in rehab. So you could always try and get something positive from it, like friendships.

 

[aihfl]

I personally don't think that everyone needs rehab. It's really designed to be that 'last place on the corner'

Nice to see you around D's

I've been on that last corner, so inpatient rehab has its place. I know I would have never had the self-control to stop on my own when I went so it is a protective environment where you can get some distance between you and your DOCs. It's not prison. Unless you've been court ordered into treatment, you can walk out against medical advice if it sucks. Some things I learned along the way is that your idea of an ideal rehab doesn't exist. You just have to be a smart consumer and find the one that best fits your need. I would have never gone to one that tries to cut you completely off from the outside world. The one I went to had pretty generous phone, TV and internet privileges. What's the point of cutting one off from the outside world anyway? Sooner or later you're going to have to leave and isolating you from that world (this is strictly my own opinion FWIW) sets people up for failure. There's a big difference between abstract philosophizing and actual practice.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I've got some interesting stories to add to that if you need. The inpatient rehab I was sent to cost $30k/mo and could justify the cost because it was dual-diagnosis/COD and having just went through a psychotic episode, I didn't really have any choices. While I was there, besides it being horribly understaffed(only 2 full time employees including owner/director), there were quite a few things discovered that were horribly unethical and some even illegal. The story sounds unreal and being that a month before that I had microphones in my hair, I haven't really shared it in full with many. Pretty sure it would quialify as insurance fraud tho.

But yeah, even while I was there they were constantly trying to upsell me on care. First saying that 28 days is too short and that 90 days is ideal. Then at 40 days they started saying even 90 days would be too short and that I could benefit from staying there for a year even. Also talking a lot about how expensive it was to run a house even though they only had 3 residents with a max capacity of 6- really just trying to justify an outrageous cost. PM if you want details.

Oh yeah, and when I had decided to leave early after discovering some shady shit, the director comes to my room and starts getting all creepy. She even puts her arms out and starts saying she loves me then hugs me as I stand there.


Have you worked with any therapist or counselors for the issues that you are seeing a psychiatrist for?

Hi Mafiaso yes I have been seeing a psychologist for the issues I am seeing a psychiatrist for on Monday. I see the psychologist every Monday afternoon. Then I feel emotionally better and don't see her for a few months then I usually fuck shit up and end up wanting to commit suicide and then the cycle starts again. Eh bi-polar is not fun. The only thing I am doing differently this time is not using. I told my own self if this doesn't work then I will commit suicide at some point as I hate the ups and downs too much. The downs more so but now the ups I don't like any more as I know the down is going to hit bad. Good thing is I am not being destructive at the moment.

I think if I can stop the need to want to self attack then I will be ok to some extent.

 

[Mafioso]

If therapy is working for you, why not have more frequent sessions? You might need to switch from a psychologist to a therapist or counselor- or you could start seeing someone in addition to your psychologist. I know there are some highly trained and skilled therapist out there who will work with you and your insurance on price and commonly take less than $50 per session. It seems expensive and it is, but if it means you can get your life under control then it seems worth it. I know I never enjoyed paying for counseling but looking back I don't regret it. Nobody likes paying for things like having a plumber fix a broken pipe or a mechanic fix your car but it's usually a necessity to keep on going.

 

[Jabberwocky]

^that sounds like a good idea. Regular support, even when things are going well, can be really helpful. It’s great therapy is helpful when you’re in need, but it’s not really meant to be something done only when someone is struggling. It’s more a long term support strategy.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It gets fair tiring seeing someone weekly when all you want to do is move on. I even try avoid coming here to Bluelight at times but with no success

There is this part of me that just wants things erased, it's like as if I don't accept my own reality at some parts of the day then at other times I embrace it.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah I can relate to that. It's hard to see the need when things are going well also. It's a matter of acceptance/avoidance for me. Accepting the seriousness of addiction is not really a pleasant reality. Apart from all the other bullshit that it means, it also means that I have to dedicate a lot of focus to something I don't want to deal with to begin with.

The reality is though ignoring it won't make it go away. And ignoring it doesn't mean you won't have to face the consequences of your situation. I try to equate it to other disease that are physically tangible. Someone who has cancer will only begin to get better when they get treatment. Ignoring it might mean they don't have to face the difficult reality of treatment, but it also means they will never really have the hope of recovery. Ignoring it also doesn't let you escape the difficult consequences of the disease.

The words of Gabor Mate have really stuck with me. "Be with your pain" We spend so much time running away from our pain and trying to avoid it. In all our attempt to avoid pain we tend to make things worse and in the long run, we are in greater pain for longer periods of time. We experience thoughts or feelings that are uncomfortable and we run to a drug to change that, even though these things change on their own with time. More importantly, what are these feelings trying to tell us? They(our feelings) may not always make sense or seem appropriate, but it is important that we own them and learn to deal with them in healthy ways.


Also, I would really suggest working with someone in addition to your current psychologist. Someone like an addictions counselor that you can see weekly or even bi-weekly, and someone who can also collaborate with your current psychologist. 1-2 hours a week is nothing and compared to what you stand to gain, well seems like a decent start to getting yourself back on track.

It always will take work and dedication to recover, but it gets easier once you start building momentum.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Cheers for this Mafioso, have seen an addictions counsellor before and the psych am seeing now is for addiction too.

I agree an hour isn't much out of the day.

So far am on track even though today I had PAWS. I used to love Fridays and now I just hate it. Same goes with Saturday nights. I never thought I'd say it as I lived for the weekend or more or less every night. I was part of the furniture at the local park drinking on the park bench and then was part of the furniture at my local pub. I sat and drank at the same table day in day out. If Australia didn't cost an arm and a leg for everything maybe I'd still be there. Actually that's a lie, I gave up because I tried to commit suicide again and was weak with no money left. I also gave up because I am back living with my parents and they don't allow drinking etc here. However living here now at 33 sucks as I feel like as if I am 14. They have a heart attack every time I leave the house. I only go out these days for an hour or 2 then am back home.

Any how I need to just work my way through the mess.

 

[EPL1]

Hello my dear friend,

Just wanted to pop by and see how your weekend is going? Thinking of you,

Hugs,
Ash.

I agree an hour isn't much out of the day.

So far am on track even though today I had PAWS. I used to love Fridays and now I just hate it. Same goes with Saturday nights. I never thought I'd say it as I lived for the weekend or more or less every night. I was part of the furniture at the local park drinking on the park bench and then was part of the furniture at my local pub. I sat and drank at the same table day in day out. If Australia didn't cost an arm and a leg for everything maybe I'd still be there. Actually that's a lie, I gave up because I tried to commit suicide again and was weak with no money left. I also gave up because I am back living with my parents and they don't allow drinking etc here. However living here now at 33 sucks as I feel like as if I am 14. They have a heart attack every time I leave the house. I only go out these days for an hour or 2 then am back home.

Any how I need to just work my way through the mess.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hello my dear friend,

Just wanted to pop by and see how your weekend is going? Thinking of you,

Hugs,
Ash.

Hi Ash,

the weekend was ok. Was glad I got over the Friday night cravings.

I spent time with my nephews and niece on the weekend. It was quite meaningful to me yesterday taking the 2 elder nephews to the lake where I used to normally go to drink on my own. This was because I was sober.

Unfortunately I missed my first psychiatrist appointment this morning, I woke up without much energy today. Now I have an appointment for next Monday at 11 am.

It is very weird for me, I don't respond well to cloudy and overcast days. The sun plays a big part to my day and thus controls my mood.

On a positive note I am day 88 sober. No doubt some days are easier than others but then days like Friday I can feel like as if I never stopped using and need another fix.

So it goes....

What about yourself? Hope you had a good weekend and are looking after yourself

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well I am now 103 days sober and the psychologist still wants me to go to rehab or at least had emphasised it as a suggestion as I am not making any real drastic changes for myself such as getting out of my bubble.

Now how's this, out of all the psychiatrists in my area I happened to have picked one who is affiliated to the same rehab place my psychologist is suggesting I go to. I told the psychiatrist about this and he suggested I go there too and it would be convenient as he works there some days too.

I still don't know what the fuck to do ? If I do go through this process I need to sign up for private health insurance, stay sober for another 3 months then go into the rehab when my private insurance allows it.

It just seems odd needing to go to rehab after 6 months of sobriety.

What do you guys think?

Whenever I get PAWS is when I think going to rehab is a good idea but then when it goes away I think otherwise. So far I get PAWS bad on Fridays and Saturdays as those days were always a guaranteed excuse for me to use.

Maybe I should wait a little longer before deciding?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

noonoo what's stopping you from trying new things? depression? anxiety? something else?

I know it can be hard to get out of your bubble, I've experienced that first hand before.

 

[cj]

The whole thing sounds shady. Your doc will likely pick up a referral fee if you go. Is there an outpatient program in your area? It would be a good compromise. You get connected with resources without having to have your life completely disrupted.

If I was you there's zero chance I would go inpatient at this point. It would actually be risky imo because your all of a sudden exposed to a bunch of people in crisis. The vast majority of them will relapse quickly.

 

[aihfl]

Inpatient rehab is for people in immediate crisis. Who "plans" to be in crisis at any time, let alone months from now? I agree with CJ. Something doesn't add up.

 

[ladyhlove]

I agree with the others here...suggesting rehab to someone who is already working on being clean, and successfully from what I gather from your posts, seems odd. I think its fair to say this is probably all about the $$$

 

[Jabberwocky]

noonoo what's stopping you from trying new things? depression? anxiety? something else?

I know it can be hard to get out of your bubble, I've experienced that first hand before.

Good question. It bugs me every day that the same shit is happening and it is on repeat mode. Every time I do something new the anxiety brings me down and I have no energy then just want to go back to the cage again. If it is not that it is the depression. Then you could say it is my own personality as I have demonstrated to be a lazy person these last few years. Unfortunately I attribute this laziness to the anxiety and depression.

The anxiety grew greater for me as I got older as I wasn't doing what I should be doing. I.e. not starting a family etc. I didn't have that career job. I did however complete a Masters Degree in Business Management unfortunately I didn't have much luck getting work with that which led to depression to then self loathing.

Energy wise I have been fucked, it is draining going high and extremely low all the time. You just stop moving forward after a while and stick with what you know no matter how bad it is. This is how I ended up an alcoholic, it was just easier to drink every day.

The bi polar has fucked me in ways I can't even imagine. Some of the things I've done whilst on a manic high or low are baffling to me when I return to normal. Then that low or high comes again involuntarily and it's game on again Am getting better at not caving into the highs any more and my sobriety shows that. Unfortunately I have now replaced drinking, gambling and drug taking with over eating and impulse stealing.

Compared to the start of the year things are definitely progressing just it is going slow.