Recovery Getting Clean - Recovery

[freesolo123]

I'm taking the first steps to get clean and after speaking with my key worker today I should b starting Suboxone either Thursday or Friday.

I have been smoking Heroin pretty much non stop over the last month and had a real bout of anxiety last night when i realized just how much shit I have got myself in. I met my key worker this morning and we discussed how I failed last time a what I can do to to make the most out of my recovery and set myself up not to fail. Last time I did not participate in anything, I just picked up my prescription took it and went home, This time I am going to be more active and try to keep myself busy by going to NA/CA and using all the support I can get.

I feel positive this morning and am looking forward to the future.

If you wish to add anything feel free I will top up this every now and then and keep you informed of my progress.

Thanks

 

[jdfisse]

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Let us know how the induction goes. I think it is great that you are motivated to do something besides just taking the medication this time. I have found my recovery in 12 step fellowships so I think it is great that you are willing to pursue that. The meetings may provide you with the identification that will carry you through the beginning stages of recovery, but the long-term solution is in the actual understanding and application of the steps and traditions so I encourage you to get a sponsor and engage in a step working process. It is a real demonstration of sanity when you have a drug problem to go to a room full of people who have experience dealing with a drug problem. It is completely insane to go to that room and then refuse to do what those people do to recover from their drug problem.

 

[freesolo123]

Thanks for the input I appreciate it, what should I expect the first time I go to a NA/CA meeting, do I have to get involved or can I just listen to start with then gradually start to get more involved?

I think getting clean is about building something to replace drugs. For me Heroin is just a friend it doesn't judge and makes everything OK. its my best friend and my worst enemy all in one.

 

[jdfisse]

You can absolutely just go and listen. It is good to show up a bit early and stay a bit afterward. If you are like me it won't be comfortable being around people you don't know. Showing up early and helping to set up the room and staying after to talk to the people who are congregating after the meeting will help to let people get to know you.

Where heroin never judges, people will. You don't need to let everyone know that you are on a maintenance medication. Only be an open book about that if you have a very thick skin. Addicts are notoriously thin skinned. There will be some who are definitely judgmental about that. After you have been around for a little bit of time you will be able to open up to a few people about that. And if you stick around long enough you will look back and laugh at your early recovery and the time you were on maintenance. Your brain is going to look for any reason to separate you. I sponsor a few people who were on maintenance for various lengths of time prior to becoming totally abstinent. You will find people like me who won't blast you out and make you feel bad. Maintenance or abstinent you don't have to do any of it alone.

Something I did every single meeting I went to early on was sat on one of the readings. It forced me to open my mouth and the little adrenaline rush I got was able to carry me through some of the uncomfortability that came with being new and still feeling withdrawal symptoms. Find someone you identify with that you hear share a few times and ask them to sponsor you. You can always change sponsors if you feel the relationship isn't working out. You will see the people who are capable sponsors. They will generally have many people approach them after the meeting. Even if they say "no" just move on to the next. Rejection sucks, but every interaction you have clean will be a learning experience. 8/31/2012 is my clean date. I experience something every single day that I have never experienced clean. It is an amazing life!

 

[Stargazer]

Hey freesolo-

You and I are in very similar places. I'm a wee bit ahead of you in that I started subs at the end of April.

It feels good to make the decision and take steps towards recovery! I'm not sure what a "key worker" is - maybe case worker or social worker? In any case, good job on reaching out for help.

I also realized that recovery is going to take more than me picking up my sub rx's, just as you have.

I've been going to NA meetings. I can't say I feel part of it yet, but I still go and will continue to do so. I can't really expect to feel what others talk about feeling this soon.

Continuing to show up and not give up too early is probably important. I've heard sometimes it takes awhile to find the group that's the best fit.

I know that just putting a sub under my tongue isn't going to cut it lol. So, I'm trying to do things differently too this time. Hope you're having a good day.

 

[Stargazer]

I purchased the NA book and a book titled "It Works. How and Why".

I read the NA book when I was in jail. I need to re-read it. I also need to work the steps. Something I've never fully done.

How are you doing today? Are you starting subs tomorrow? It really is a good feeling to have a recov

 

[Stargazer]

^^sorry. My finger accidentally got the post bar before I was done.

I started to say- it really is a great feeling and a relief to have a recovery plan in place. Even though I'm stumbling through my recovery, I have been so grateful so many times since April that I made the decision to go on subs.

As jdfisse pointed out- I will keep being on ORT to myself for now. I don't want to risk getting pissed off and not returning to NA if someone judged me. My skin isn't thick enough yet. I'm still new to regular NA meetings. I feel awkward and vulnerable at NA still. Everyone knows each other and I'm the new person. Ugh.

Hope you're well freesolo.

 

[aihfl]

As jdfisse pointed out- I will keep being on ORT to myself for now. I don't want to risk getting pissed off and not returning to NA if someone judged me. My skin isn't thick enough yet. I'm still new to regular NA meetings. I feel awkward and vulnerable at NA still. Everyone knows each other and I'm the new person. Ugh.

Some meetings can be very cliquish. If you live in a populated area and have a lot of options, check out the others. And as CJ once said, don't listen to the haters. ORT saves lives. Conventional wisdom says I shouldn't be on benzos, but if I wasn't I'd probably drink myself to death.

 

[freesolo123]

Thanks for all the positivity guys I really appreciate it

I do have quite thin skin but nobody would know it im the type of person who would get offended and not let on that its go to me and nobody would guess but I'm still holding a grudge 10 years later, OK Grudge is maybe a bit strong but I wouldn't forget where maybe I should.

Hopefully be going to my first meeting on Sunday if my transition from Heroin to Suboxone goes smoothly.

I'm going to try and get on the lowest dose of Suboxone possible and my guess is it will be between 4-6mg ED, I started on 10mg before it was way too much and I was sleeping all day.

I think the period that I am in now could be very dangerous for certain drug users. I have agreed to go onto maintenance but I am not seeing the Doctor till Thursday morning where I can be prescribed the right dosage. I think that somebody in this window could see it as there last opportunity to use drugs and that could lead to a overdose, Just my theory.

 

[jdfisse]

I think getting clean is about building something to replace drugs.

This has been my experience. Today my life is built around service to others. A genuine concern for others has been my maintenance drug of choice. I attend at least one meeting every day (and at 5 years 11 months and 7 days that is by choice). I probably haven't NEEDED a meeting in quite some time. I may go the rest of my life without a meeting and never use again, but attending meetings regularly is something I enjoy and keeps me intimately in touch with where I have been and where I could be if I choose not to live this path.

I care more about a human life than I do about coddling a friendship today. I do my very best to share my experience with people even if that experience may hurt their feelings. I spent the first 36 years of my life competing in a popularity contest and the only thing I had to show for it was a gigantic dope dependency and a 4x4 bathroom with a quarter inch of soot on every surface.

A dream that I didn't even know I had... that was choked, raped, neglected, and beaten out of me when I very young...has come true just for today. I am okay being me. In fact, I am okay enough being me that I rarely ponder being you. Being you or being accepted by you was perhaps the heaviest burden I ever bore. Today, I am nearly weightless.

I have come to understand and embrace that every "f*&k YOU!" I have unleashed in my past toward those I love and those that I perceived let me down was actually a misdirected, "thank you" or "I love you". Every experience has brought me to this moment...and in this moment I am okay...okay in a way I never recall previously being.

None of this was my idea. It was not my idea to follow a set of principles written so simply we can follow them in our daily lives. It was not my idea to lose self-obsession and find out what it means to be happy, joyous, and free. It was not my idea to find happiness and contentment with OR without. Thousands have done this before me and I just had my ass beat to the point where I figured why not? This continues to be my experience with the 12 steps...

 

[Stargazer]

That is amazing jd. I can relate to so much of what you've said. It gives me hope. I'm glad you're at a place of real peace.

I understand what you're saying about it being a dangerous time freesolo. I didn't go any harder than usual while waiting for sub appt. Not that that means anything. I can go pretty hard at any given time.

I agree Aih. I think ort is an amazing thing. I've witnessed many people get fulfilling lives due to ort.

Hope everyone is well today.

 

[freesolo123]

Had a appointment with the drug doctor this morning and it went well, we discussed my going onto Suboxone and tomorrow I am starting on 8mg (4x2mg) will start small and up my dose until i'm stable. the next day I am going onto supervised use and daily pickup. Hopefully I won't need 8mg and I can get stable at 4/6mg but its good to know its there in case.

This is the easy part after I'm stable on Suboxone is when the hard work will start hopefully on Sunday I can go to a NA meeting and there is a local group in the town that I live in where people in recovery go to meet up on Monday to Friday that I need to get in touch with. Filling my day is going to be vital as most of the day I spend high or trying to get money to get high.

Its not going to be easy but nothing worthwhile ever is.

 

[Stargazer]

Great! And indeed, the struggle is real.

I'm reading my NA book and trying to do the right things. I struggle w my husband still using at times. I mean w the temptation, etc.

It's infuriating at times. And in the same breath, I can't force someone to stop using. So I keep walking my path, keep going to meetings, keep learning what others with clean time did to get where they are, etc.

Well done freesolo! Please keep me updated.

 

[freesolo123]

Thanks for the comments and positivity 10YG i appreciate It

I have a little heroin left and plan on smoking no later than 6pm, when I take the suboxone am wondering how sick i should let myself get first. The first time i ever took it i didn't wait anywhere near enough and felt horrific for it.

What are people opinions on wait times to use Suboxone after Heroin?

 

[Stargazer]

Wait at least 12hrs. And dose low, like 1-2mg. See how you feel. If you're ok in 45mins to an hour and aren't feeling stable, take another 1-2mgs. And so on.

To be very safe, wait 24hrs.

I've read different advice. Some say it's not based on the amount of hours, but on how severe your w/d symptoms are.

And it's true that the longer you wait the more effective the subs are. I once had to wait 3 or 4 days, due to my sub connect flaking out not taking her urine test.

When I finally got the subs, I took 2mg and felt great within 30mins. It was the most effective I've ever experienced subs to be. But I couldn't have waited that long if I had them in my possession.

Good luck!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Had a appointment with the drug doctor this morning and it went well, we discussed my going onto Suboxone and tomorrow I am starting on 8mg (4x2mg) will start small and up my dose until i'm stable. the next day I am going onto supervised use and daily pickup. Hopefully I won't need 8mg and I can get stable at 4/6mg but its good to know its there in case.

This is the easy part after I'm stable on Suboxone is when the hard work will start hopefully on Sunday I can go to a NA meeting and there is a local group in the town that I live in where people in recovery go to meet up on Monday to Friday that I need to get in touch with. Filling my day is going to be vital as most of the day I spend high or trying to get money to get high.

Its not going to be easy but nothing worthwhile ever is.

Hi man.

I am also in the UK, and have managed 13 days clean on subutex. I would highly recommend 8mg - I was on 4mg for a long time, and the problem is that 4mg and even 6mg makes it possible to use - its harder as the blocking effect is there, but its still doable. On 8mg, I can inject 3 bags of heroin in one shot and not feel a thing, and that knowledge alone makes it so much easier to stay clean. Good luck!

 

[freesolo123]

Hi man.

I am also in the UK, and have managed 13 days clean on subutex. I would highly recommend 8mg - I was on 4mg for a long time, and the problem is that 4mg and even 6mg makes it possible to use - its harder as the blocking effect is there, but its still doable. On 8mg, I can inject 3 bags of heroin in one shot and not feel a thing, and that knowledge alone makes it so much easier to stay clean. Good luck!

Hi, I don't Inject but smoke, non stop at times and also smoke crack, what dose of Sub's did you start on? Because 8mg for me now seems high if you used that dose and are a heavier user than me.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hi, I don't Inject but smoke, non stop at times and also smoke crack, what dose of Sub's did you start on? Because 8mg for me now seems high if you used that dose and are a heavier user than me.

Yes, I injected and you smoked, but if you were smoking all day long I can pretty much guarantee you were using more than me. I got by on 2-3 bags a day. Bear in mind that the best dose isn't the one that just stops withdrawal - you could certainly physically get by on 4mg, but you should be aiming for the dose that kills your cravings. I have been on & off subutex many times, and was always started by my key worker and doctor on 8mg unless I specifically asked for a lower dose.

 

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Keep it up.

 

[EPL1]

Hey free, I just wanted to say welcome to you and tell you how proud of you I am!!

You are very wise to couple subs with a support group, gives you more than a fighting chance.

We will all be here to support you along the way too. Be kind and patient with yourself ,too, you're doing a great thing for yourself!!!

Here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.