EphemeralOutlet141
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2014
- Messages
- 69
Okay so there's a few things I wanna discuss that I don't want to risk talking to a professional about. More dealing with violence and other topics that would give them reason to commit me or what have you. I just wish to gain understanding, not fix anything. I don't consider them negative or illnesses or whatever, just anamolies that I don't see in other people with my similar diagnosis. I had a meth experience last night that brought this to the forefront of my mind.
Diagnosed bipolar, have had mood instability my entire life. However, it's also been implied by a few that I am clinically antisocial. My closest friends openly agree that I act like a sociopath in many scenarios. To their credit, we were talking about my past criminal behavior, as they were there for most of it. So a bias may exist. Anyways.
At baseline: I don't care to interact with people and liken them to Sims and myself to the player, my friend's descriptions of loyalty and love confuse me, and I find it nigh-impossible to connect emotionally with even close family, and my personality is constantly shifting to match others. Violence and suffering fascinate me, and I occasional act on this urge by hurting and toying with people emotionally. Physical violence is something I fantasize about and I find pain arousing.
All of that may sound normal for someone who is prone to fall into dark moods and I'm sure you guys have read threads like this before, but this meth experience is what started this train of thought that there could be a little more to myself than I thought.
High on meth tonight alone (and no this isn't my first time, far from, but I was always with others): violence and grandiosity dominate my mind and I am the one true God, actively trying not to go out in the middle of the night and destroy property as well as assault anyone I may find. I took a knife to my own thigh for pleasure. My phone has multiple conversations open with people I consider targets for emotional fuckery, talking about things sensitive to them and collecting info. To sum it up, it felt like I traded minds with Ted Bundy and I've never seen those small tendencies become so powerful and dominating. It honestly felt good.
Opinions pls.
Diagnosed bipolar, have had mood instability my entire life. However, it's also been implied by a few that I am clinically antisocial. My closest friends openly agree that I act like a sociopath in many scenarios. To their credit, we were talking about my past criminal behavior, as they were there for most of it. So a bias may exist. Anyways.
At baseline: I don't care to interact with people and liken them to Sims and myself to the player, my friend's descriptions of loyalty and love confuse me, and I find it nigh-impossible to connect emotionally with even close family, and my personality is constantly shifting to match others. Violence and suffering fascinate me, and I occasional act on this urge by hurting and toying with people emotionally. Physical violence is something I fantasize about and I find pain arousing.
All of that may sound normal for someone who is prone to fall into dark moods and I'm sure you guys have read threads like this before, but this meth experience is what started this train of thought that there could be a little more to myself than I thought.
High on meth tonight alone (and no this isn't my first time, far from, but I was always with others): violence and grandiosity dominate my mind and I am the one true God, actively trying not to go out in the middle of the night and destroy property as well as assault anyone I may find. I took a knife to my own thigh for pleasure. My phone has multiple conversations open with people I consider targets for emotional fuckery, talking about things sensitive to them and collecting info. To sum it up, it felt like I traded minds with Ted Bundy and I've never seen those small tendencies become so powerful and dominating. It honestly felt good.
Opinions pls.
