• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Where im now..

3m1l

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 5, 2018
Messages
95
Hi. Didnt find old threat and wanted to tell how im doing.
So i dropped all about month ago it was about 10mg that i injected sub when i relapsed
Whent to cabin.Relapsed in day 3.Bought 32 Temgesic 0.4.Now im taking about 0.13 snorting every evening.So im not clean like i wanted and every day is still really hard.Im tired,depressed,anxiety,angry emotions are really raw.
I spend my days doing some hard work like chopping fire wood with chainsaw and axe.Take hunting dog,Laika, to hike every day to forest.Feed cats.Its crazy but i think even animals know im sick.Everyone knows what im going thru.My brother is giving me my evening meds and says something nasty every fucking time :)
Should i jump now or wait that i can sleep and function normally with that dose? Im really tired,these wd are taking all i got
and im scared to stop.Yea these withdrawls change me to this whining,tired,deppressed pussy.i fucking hate that.Its everything im not i know it.
And sauna everynight and swimming in lake atleast 2 times day,its like energy shot that takes wd away completely for couple hours.
Music,i have headphones on all the time.Everything that takes me away from my head helps..
Sleep is really light,almost awake but not..its like im just resting and listening music but sleep..its really weird state.
 
Last edited:
Ask yourself what a person would do in recovery and do that. Do what you know is the right thing to do. Do what you know you can do, and pray for the courage to do the things you fear doing. Always strive to do what you know a person in recovery ought to do.

Always ask yourself "What would a person in recovery do in this situation". Then do it!

This is one of many tools to use to help you in recovery.
We are so used to believing our own limitations, excuses, compromises, and justifications that non of them will work/help in recovery. They only help us to relapse. So we need to step out of our self reliance and take on a better role model, such as a person in recovery _ doing recovery. Deep down we all know what the right thing to do is. A person in recovery taps into that resource (it's our truth). It breaks through our denials.

An addict, over time, has harbored all sorts of beliefs, ideals, philosophies, stories, etc to support their addiction. There is hardly anything their, that they are conscious of, that supports recovery. The dice is loaded against them. A person in recovery needs to learn what recovery is all about. So, talk to people who are doing well in recovery, read books about it, Internet research. Ask questions on this forum. And most importantly start to learn how to cope with being no longer reliant on mind altering chemicals. In other words, to be able to respond to all sorts of situations without relapsing.

All this will take time. If somebody changed over night from addict to full recovery, they may die from shock. It would be as if one had a brain transplant. So, in a way, it is good that it takes time to change. Lessons are learnt through experience. To experience recovery will take time. But don't get disheartened by this, that is why "A day at a time" or even "a minute at a time" is about all we can handle. Next thing you know, you go through another day without relapsing.
 
Hi 3,

Well you have the WANT to quit and that is so great!! I am so proud of you, I would try to get your dose down as low as you can before you jump so it's not as bad.

Don't worry about your brother or anyone else's nastiness. You have us to support you okay? You can do this!! Feel free to pm me if you need to talk,

Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Last edited:
Getting sober has never been easy in my experience. Letting go of a habit and coping mechanism is one thing, but getting through physical and psychological withdrawals is a different story. On the bright side, it does get easier once you make it past the acute withdrawal phase that usually lasts from 2-4 weeks. You are going to have to go through some hell first which will make sobriety seem a bit more like heaven.

It's not that you have become a whinny pussy or whatever, it's that you are dealing with a disease that has little physical appearance. Most of the struggle is a neurological one, and that can be difficult for a lot of people to understand when it may appear that you are capable just unwilling. It will take a tremendous amount of effort on your part to just do normal stuff. Push yourself within reason... your body needs rest. If not taking more dope means you get sick and can only chop wood for 1-2 hrs a day, maybe even less on bad days... that's ok. It won't be forever.
 
Thank you for all of you for giving support and tools how to fight this beast.
Only thing why i still take this poison is that i cant go thru the insomnia.Last time i tried to stop i was awake 9 days.i mean zero sleep.Day 9 i started to pass out.It lasted 5-10 mins and when i wake up it feld like i was hit by train.I started to fear sleeping cos it made me really sick and i relapsed.
Those Temgesic pills are really small and we cutted them to 3 little pieces.I dont have scale,i burned it with all other drug shit like bongs and rigs.
So im trying snort just enough that i can rest and stop rls and ease pains little.
I actually did almost 12 hour day today.Doing some office works and other paper jobs for brothesr firm,cleaned 3 work cars,chopped woods 1hrs and hiked 2 hours with Laika and some yard work in cabin.Now im so tired i feel sick.Waiting my meds.
When i stopped and was sick and had to work i started to say myself,This isnt so bad ,theres people in Africa who really suffer and i whine for something like this..
Now its changed,everytime i got exhausted,feel sick i just hear it automatic,This isnt so bad.It comes automatic and it really helps to get thru what ever im doing.
And i cant take any other comfort meds.It always end in terrible drug and alcohol binge.So i have to be 100% sober.
 
Perhaps you may need to place yourself into a detox unit until your body has reached a point of being drug free.
Then, what is left is psychological, where you have to basically do the opposite of what the addictive mind tells you. The opposite is what the recovery mind would tell you.
 
The insomnia was always the worst for me too. The restlessness and insomnia. All I can say is, keep at it. It will get better even though it's really hard to believe that when you're in the middle of it. Keep posting here, this forum is a wonderful place for support. <3
 
Get yourself some comfort meds. Gabapentin. Benzo or at least clonidine . If sleep is your biggest obstacle the gabapentin is great and not as addictive as benzos ( to most anyways). 18 year methadone user here and I quit last week and gabapentin knocked me out. I'm Sleeping 3-5 hrs every night. It's tough not being able to sleep. Your brain needs that sleep to heal . I've been following your thread , keep updating us. I'm a lake loving guy too and love the lake life .
 
Thank you for all of you.Feels bit strange to get so good advices and help from strangers to get thru something that is 100% my fault.
Today was first time i didnt watch clock and think about evening dose all day.Day just slowly passed to evening.
I could feel it all but bit more lightly.I was more stable.It was one of those days that you feel you are getting better but next day punches you 10 days back..i realy hope that doesnt happen.
Last night i got first 3hrs of sleep,was wake 1hr and another almost 3hrs.It was all that same light sleep and woke up feeling good and crap..
Couldnt do much,theres scorching heatwawe here about 88F or 31C.
Went hike with Laika only for 45mins.Walk around the lake where the cabin is.Stopped atleast 10 times cos Laika wanted to swim...
Found 1 clip fan...something from my grow days.Installed it to our Norwegian forest cat,..It really liked it.It was fun to watch him sitting and lying in front of it.
Did more this never ending office/paper show.Cleaned 1 car.
Swimming..3 times ..i just dived,held my breath and played the idea to drown myself..it was weird im not that burned up.
Those comfort meds.I cant.I abused xanax,clonazepam and lyrica with Alcohol,Subutex,H,Oxy,Fentanyl.etc so much that it would surely make me relapse..too much good memories from those crazy lucky im not dead combos.
I get cravings just thinking about this.I really dont want to remember my drug daze..they are now gone it was different life that is now over.Want to forget it.
Detox is not possible.I have to get thru this alone.I mean i get support but they dont no what this is like..They have never tried anything but alcohol.
Lake life is great.I lived in city and would not go back.And wont go back.I know where that took me.Plus i think nature is big part of healing from this disease...Well the net connection was better.

Forgot.Snorting This 0.13 is really starting to eat my mind,patience and just about everything..Im going to kick it.Have to see relatives sunday after that its bye bye to this life ruining fucking poison.
 
Last edited:
I here ya about nature healing . I live in an extremely rural area in Tennessee. I have a river right behind my house . I went there today on my Polaris ranger to sit for a bit and soak in the surroundings . Your on such a low dose maybe you want hurt to bad .I jumped at 15mg of methadone and here 9 days later I'm still in acute withdrawal. Keep us updated .
 
Wow.Isnt that 15mg methadon alot? Cant imagine,15mg subutex was way too much to jump,it crushed me completely.
This heatwawe is starting to be too much.We didnt hike,too hot.Did some more voluntary work for brother.Cant even imagine to ask money.
Didnt go back too much.Sleep was 2hr,didnt mind got that 6hr back then.
Try to think all that is positive in this situation.
Everyone is trying to help.I get home cooked food everyday,fresh vegetables,salads,chicken,fish,fruits to eat.Witch makes my shame and guilt even bigger.
Theres job waiting in brothers firm if i get clean and more work,they dont trust bank accounts for me to manage yet..I mean i start to get paid for what i do now free..
That job thing would be next to impossible to get with my records and chonic diseases.
I have met my old friends and neighbors..time before i decided that drugs are great.They asked what happened.Was blunt and told im recovering addict..dont want to hide it..too tired for that. If they cant take that then fuck it.
Learned how incredibly strong Subutex is..that tiny tiny piece actually feels.
Im open to idea to see psychiatrist if my depression and sleep disorder dont go away.When they diagnosed those i had abused alot of alcohol,stims and psychedelics.
I really hope this heatwawe ends...20-25c is normal summer here.
I dont count days.I see no point in that.I dont want to look back.Theres days i dont even no what weekday it is.
I have read alot about sub detox.Theres 1 really good site for just detoxin sub.Can i name other sites here?
If im not make it now..then it will never happen..I get so much support i have 2 cabins to use,get food cooked by old chef,gatorades,vitamins basicly everything i need..besides drugs.
I mean im really lucky for this kind of support.If i had to do this in city where i can get drugs it wouldnt happen.And i dont blame anyone who try to get off sub and relapse,this is bad bitch to fight.
 
Methadone is dosed higher than suboxone. 15mg of methadone isn't very much, whereas with sub it's a shitload.
 
Yea.Things are slipping.Snorted last night dose and got only 1hr sleep.Binge watched Salem,Altered Carbon and John Oliver last night.Slept another hour from 6-7 woke up and felt like crap.
Pushed thru day while i was lethargic,tired and got anxiety fits that made me drip cold sweat.
2pm my lower back was suddenly like knifed and bones splitted.Pain radiated thru my right leg til even my toes where hurting.I could hardly walk.My knees started to feel shotted.
Pain took over my back,shoulder,neck.I cant stand,rest..pain comes in wawes.
Mentally..im like bomb to go offff..I feel terrible anger cant talk to anyone let alone be in same room.Anxiety comes in wawes that almost paralyze my breathing and im dripping cold sweat.Cravings Im Walking On Walls.Im Trembling like having alcohol delirium.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??

Forgot something.I was buying some food and vitamins morning.When i was packing groceries,my old drugie friend walks in.we used to party hard back in the day.It was obvious he had gone thru some rough times and was high like kite.I turned fast and packed quikly,i knew he saw me.When i left i almost stumbled him and he was saying something.I behaved like i didnt know who he was and walked away fast. i started to think i was rude and i should have say atleast hi to him.I couldnt watch netflix cos i knew i could find him easily from town where everyone knows everyone.i was thinking i really should have ask if he needed help.That thought put me to spin so fast i was crashing..i almost fall to sleep.That was the point my anger started to rise and pains hit me like sledge hammer.
Can something like that really hit that hard?
I had to make rage call and get my evening meds.i snorted it,way too early,drove to cabin and started to chop wood like maniac.Pains and anger subsided to tolerable lvl.Man this is hard..And sorry for rambling.I just have to get these thoughts out of my head.Therapy this is.
 
Last edited:
Hey guys-long time lurker, 1st time posting. Super sorry in advance of this is inappropriate of me to jump in out of left field. Have been following this in regards to methadone dosage. @xorkoth, my boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict. He went to 90 day inpatient, completed with shining stars walked out with a job...we moved in together in may of 16, straight after he got out of rehab. We had talked and had both thought that he was ready....he wasnt. Neither was I. Barely over 2 months passed and he went to work for the night, little did i know he had left early until i got a call from his friend sobbing that he had OD'ed...it stunned me beyond any amount of pain or heartbreak that my brain could even process. It was a devastating setback. Life went to living hell. I should have left for many reasons he gave me during that time, but I didnt. he entered methadone treatment last August 2017 and it has been a saving grace from the absolute hell and chaos our lives had become. He's been going since August and over time stabilized at 85mgs for the past few months. He recently increased to 90mg and has been compliant with the program going every day and meeting with his counselor. I don't know what his long-term goals are, and when I asked him about it recently he was sort of indefinite about it. I've read about people taking methadone for years and they won't phase him up because he's consistently failing UAs for THC (which is not legal where I'm at yet). Things are definitely still better than they were, but I can't help but wonder how long he will be tied down to methadone...and especially with them not phasing him up, he has to go 6 days a week which makes keeping a stable job difficult. Any thoughts on the MMT? Is this a normal timeline, he stabilized at 85mgs after 4-5 months, is now on 90mg st month 11). Anything appreciated. So sorry again to interrupt. Peace & love to you all &#55357;&#56470;
 
Hi Isthisreal90.
No worries for jumping in.I really feel for both of you.It must be hard to be with someone who has addiction problems,i know how hard it is to kick opiod habit.Subutex made me introvert paranoid hermit and wrecked my life and i just le it happen.Now i dont know if i can kick it.I dont no about methadone or rehab programs cos i have never tried those but im sure someone here can help you.All good for both of you and i hope you get thru that methadone hell.
 
Last edited:
Today was like anyother.No sleep,energy,motivation...sub wd. i feel like im not going to make it.Had to work.We where making game field.I mean field for animals,wild game.We where spreding fertilizer,250kg, with buckets.I think i should slow and rest more..exhausted.Im starting to feel im burning my self up.My rest blood pressure is 170/110 and pulse 118.I feel so sick that i throw up..
 
Last edited:
Isthisreal90 - Sorry to hear about your struggles. You'll probably get more replies if you start your own thread. The button is on top left above the list of the different threads, just click on whatever sub-thread(i.e. the dark side) and you should be able to make your own thread. I don't want to divert this thread too much, but to quickly answer your question- I think MMT has it's uses but like many medications in modern times, it is likely over-prescribed. It shouldn't just be used as an alternative way to get high, and you can get high from methadone and to some extent even bupe. It is a crutch, not a prosthetic. It shouldn't be used without clearly defined goals- like getting into a stable enough living situation to come off all maintenance drugs. Another thing to keep in mind is both methadone and bupe come with some pretty uncomfortable withdrawals that arguably aren't any better than other opioids.

3m1l- How many days are you in? It's good to push yourself to some extent, but keep in mind that it isn't just a matter of will power or lack of. There are things happening in your body that is going to limit you, just like if you had a very bad flu or another type of sickness. You aren't going to be able to do as much while you recover and that's ok. You'll be more mobile again once the acute withdrawals subside in about a month for most opioids. By that time usually all physical symptoms are gone or barely there. Hang in there, this is the hardest part.
 
Hi 90,

I agree with Mafioso,

Go to the Sober living forum and post your own thread, you will get a lot of support there.

Hugs and I hope you are doing well today my friend.
Ash.
 
3M1l,

How are you doing today my friend? I hope better than yesterday. I pm'd you.

Hang in there,
here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.
 
I feel so ashamed of myself.Relapse.Sunday was just to much,spend it with family.My emotions just got better of me and thrashed me.I didnt want Subu,i was ready for speedball/Oxy slamming binge.Somehow i talked my self out of it and convinced him to give me 0.8mg,or something much worse will happen.He said next time i ask more than that crumble he will flush all pills and wont help again.Snorted them with some whisky and got sick,almost vomited, i couldnt listen music or watch tv.All i could do is try to get some sleep,but couldnt.I was overdosed almost 8hrs.Now i feel realy low.Shame,guilt and depression is all there is.This has happened so many times.To start it all over again and again and again...I dont know how many reruns i have left in me.
To waste everyones time here and real life.Im so sorry for that.Advices and support from you all is priceless and i just shit on it...i was about 20 days in.Oh,i didnt get high or feeld good..just messed up and numb.
 
Last edited:
Top