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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Where im now..

Last night i didnt take anything for the night and it seems my sleep is stabilised to 4hr.Thats good enough for now.
Everyday starts bit different,still slight cold sweat and chills now companied with really angry hangover that lasted 2hrs,kind of after vodka binge.
So i forced some breakfast down and went for a walk with Laika.When i got back i had quite normal feeling and time is starting to fly.I have never come this far on Subu wd and to think of i was one of those assholes who bashed anyone who said that they are too sick to move cos Subu wd..man do i feel stupid now.
I had to change Everything in my life to get this point.Move to other city,break all ties to basicly all friends,changed my diet completely.All i eat now is salads,vegetables,fruits,fish and chicken.Dropped sugar to minimum,drink only water,coffee or gatorade.Register here,probably The Best thing and help to these wd and now i know so much more about LAO?s and addiction and what it means.
Now that the pains and insomnia are fading im starting to face the things i did other ppl,what a trainwreck i made out off everything..Everything going on in the family now..
Those things above give me quite cravings,one big hit and i would be numb and forgot/didnt care anyone...its so tempting you know.
Funny thing,ALL my chronic pains from rheuma,fibro,nerve damage are gone :D i cant feel them no matter how hard i push myself..Its like i dont have those diseases anymore.
 
How are you making it today 3m1l? I'm still feeling depressed a little today but physically better . Keep up the good work.
 
I think i should have made this my first post but here goes.
If you are reading this and thinking quitting Subu is this hard,its not.
Most of the ppl can detox off this without doing that drastic life changes that it took from me.
I have low tolerance to wd and Very bad urge to abuse substances.When i was taking what ever,it wasnt enough if it wasnt OD.
This would have been much easier but it was my arrogant ego that convinced me to jump from 15mg in may?I only tapered something like 30days after that crushing hit i got.So this is totally doable.Just taper down slow and you can get off without too much wd.
Like i said,i must be in minority who needs to start new life to get clean off drugs.
And although i have allmost perfect place/conditions to go thru this i still struggle....so that should tell something from my mental strength.
 
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You have great mental strength and you're a great person 3. I'm really proud of you.

Your friend,
Ash.

3m1l said:
I think i should have made this my first post but here goes.
If you are reading this and thinking quitting Subu is this hard,its not.
Most of the ppl can detox off this without doing that drastic life changes that it took from me.
I have low tolerance to wd and Very bad urge to abuse substances.When i was taking what ever,it wasnt enough if it wasnt OD.
This would have been much easier but it was my arrogant ego that convinced me to jump from 15mg in may?I only tapered something like 30days after that crushing hit i got.So this is totally doable.Just taper down slow and you can get off without too much wd.
Like i said,i must be in minority who needs to start new life to get clean off drugs.
And although i have allmost perfect place/conditions to go thru this i still struggle....so that should tell something from my mental strength.
Click to expand...
 
A taper to get down ultra low would be ideal . Even though you didn't taper properly it helped some that you did a fast taper. These long half life opioids are just brutal because the ungodly length of time they linger on .
---- you have reached your point in life were you are fed up with drugs and ready to clean up. It took me 18 years to reach that point. Sounds like your in a beautiful place. I know you mentioned living by a lake. Did you know waves emit positive ions and studies show less depression around water . The sauna sounds pretty therapeutic too. I'm a bit jealous , lol.
 
Thanks Ash and hik.
insomnia,only 1hr sleep,been drenched in cold sweat since 2am.Projectile vomited acids partly thru nose in 7am.First it was terrible craving for vodka and soon after Subu.I cant drop this feeling..and this cycle is getting more and more stressing every minute..Im like lizard,licking lips and thinking vodka spiced with few mg.
 
I wouldn't think you'd be vomiting this far in . You could have a virus or another underlying condition. I think about other drugs and alcohol too . Believe me , the hang overs after drinking during withdrawals isn't worth it . There is no worst feeling than a hangover during WDs. I tried it twice earlier on and it increases every WD symptom 10x . All I know that may help the nausea and help sleep too is promethazine (phenergan) . I'm still having sleep problems too . If I can get 5 hrs I feel fortunate. Try to keep food down and drink water or Gatorade. That puking will drag you down just like the shits will.
 
Hik,you are absolutely right.I have been pushing too hard forward and catch flu or something.I got 3hrs sleep later and woke up sick and cold, actually have fever 37.6c.That vomiting was something that stuck with me after ayahuasca brews.Its my way to cope with extreme stress,it actually make me feel like i purge myself out off that stress.I dont have any pains,aches or other physical shit.My head is completely different case. Its like theres violent Fight Club going on.I have to stop urges and cravings many times a day..and fast cos they grow monsters if i give up even for a minute.
When this started and i could barely move few meters,i use to just lay on dock and listen wawes coming to shore,it was incredibly calming.Sauna,if nothing else after that you dont smell like chemical plant and usually can get some shut eye.I dont use any kind of pills or other shit..coffee and gatorade are strongest meds i got.
How you doing mentally? I mean do you get these insane urges to use where your mind makes Really good points why you have to start use and this is not so worth it?
I mean im starting to think if been sober is this...then why bother.
 
Nope. Don't start thinking like that.

That's not how it's going to be all the time, it will get better, I agree with hik, try to be more patient and kind with yourself 3. It will get better I promise. Hang in there, I'm really proud of you and all the progress you've made!!

Much love and support,
your friend,
Ashley.


3m1l said:
I mean im starting to think if been sober is this...then why bother.
Click to expand...
 
Oh man , I figured you had the flu or something. It's going around already here in the states. ---- ayahuasca? is some powerful stuff. I know addicts travel to south America to use it to detox . I thought about trying ibogain my first week during detox . If it was legal here in the US I would have went in a heartbeat. Mexico would be the closest place to get it at here. ----- My cravings have been on the lighter end here lately. I do have romancing thoughts , but it's kinda like a old memory. I was on methadone for so long that I didn't use other drugs besides weed and a few drinks on occasions . I'm at the point were even a loperamide scares me now. I'm so scarred from WDs that any drug I know I really like is something to stay far away from.
 
Glad to hear you are making good progress hik.Yes that huasca is some powerfull medicine.I use to cook it myself using all the traditional spices.6 times in last 20 years.
I was heavily on Castaneda books and his teachings then.There was always some bigger question that i was seeking answer when i took it and i use to keep strickt diet 6 days before drinking it in 7th day.I think its good to mention that its lethal if taken wrong.There is this thing with MAO inhibitors in it...
Fever gave me..well flu symptoms,nothing too bad.. nausea,aches..Just have to rest.
I have strange cravings or the way they come so suddenly.I really want to make it this time and im Very gratefull for all the help im getting from here,but i think im going to add a visit to NA friday or atleast i go see once what kind of place it is..or is it something for me.
I think the feelings of shame and guilt are now low enough to go there.
 
Hey 3m1!
My names Becca and I've been going through something rather similar. I've been addicted to opiates chronically for 12yrs. (pills, heroin, methadone, subs). Well this last time I was on subs for 2 and a half years and in may decided it was time to join the living world again. I did a fast taper. In may went from 8mgs to 4mgs. In June I realised I just don't have the willpower to taper more so I checked myself into an inpatient. (I am lucky that my state insurance covers it). I did an 8 day detox, followed by 31 day residential.
During my detox, they gave me a fast taper. (day one -4mg, day two, three, four - 2mg and day five & six - 1mg, then made the jump.
I relate to this post so much, it was/is rough. I had comfort meds while was there that helped (clondine, gabapentin, baclofen, ibuprofen, seraquil) but when I came home last month I got off all my comfort meds and had a rebound w/d esp from gabbie and baclofen. Still going through it honestly. Rehab was pinnacle for me because I met fellow recovering addicts that I bonded with. Now we hang out 2 sometimes 3 times a week and it helps me stay clean. I also explore every ave of recovery SMART, 12 step (AA & NA), rationale recovery, therapy, out patient. I'm putting my all in this because this is the one that's going to stick. I never tried before. Sure I was on maintience meds but you know like I do that it's not really sober.
You have to remember to stay in first gear and not to switch back into forth. We sometimes feel like we?re not doing enough for our recovery. At least that's how it is for me. But if you go to bed sober, that's enough. At least for now.
I just want to say im so proud of you. Of us! We are the small percent. Go to an NA meeting too. Even if you do t feel an affinity toward the program, there is something so helpful in being in a room with a bunch of others who are or have gone through what your going through. But we?ve made it through the worst. It only gets better from here (little by little but still). The first month id do okay for two days and then it felt like I went back in time with withdrawals. I no longer get that effect.
You are not alone. I hear and feel your pain. This will become a distance memory.
And cravings suck. I'll let you know some tips when I figure it out too lol
 
3m1l, if you feel like going to a meeting then by all means go . That's a personal choice that only you know the answer. I know you like chopping firewood. It's one of my favorite things too. I'm the type that if I'm going to exercise then I'm going to get something done. I have a ox head maul and splitting ax . I have a stihl 44 for the big stuff . Finland is evergreen mostly ,right ? I like getting the pinetree sap "pitch" to start fires , but any small kindling if dry works well . You guys have some nice radiant soapstone woodstoves also .
 
Oh man thanks for that support and story Becca,it helps to know how other ppl go thru this agony..
Hik,yea i didnt go to the meeting.I did call to the help line and found out it was 12 step kind of thing so its not for me.I guess my meetings and church will be forest and cabin,only places where i can truly feel peace.Yea,evergreen in a way that theres spruce and pine forest and nature everywhere.Other than that we have short and hot summer and long and cold winter with lots of snow.Yes,my exercise kit is Husqvarna 560xp and heavy Fiskars x27 splitting axe.

And now some ranting and rambling my mind is exploding.
Theres work,things that Have to get done before winter,company.....The list is starting to be overwhelming.
I was sick,so jobs from that day/s got moved.Then yesterday i couldnt sleep i started to do those things off the list still feeling flu.
Then something else almost catastrophic happens and i have to start put all my time to tackle that that accident..all the time those other things are getting bigger and im running soaked in cold sweat trying to get things/work done. And every morning theres something little extra besides all the waiting chores.
Same time my brother just rants about things to get done,to get a new car for me so i can start to run even more things for him and his company,talks about buying apartment for me...and..last night i just exploded,i started to yell him that he must stop stacking,buying,putting things on me.And yelled him that im just Relapse waiting to happen,if not tonight then tomorrow.I didnt know i think like that.Is it true that m nothing more than relapse waiting to happen?
How the f*ck i m going to get thru this,theres 10 important things to do then comes that 11th that crumbles and takes all your time and while you tackle that you feel this headache and nausea about things waiting tto get done and everyday comes with something new,its so rare now to go thru day..i dont know how to say it..that goes like you plan it out.
Im running thru days with 3-4hrs of sleep and that elusive relapse would feel so good..and i know i cant,not anymore.How im going to get thru this without getting stroke?
When im really tired and burned up,i start to think dont worry,if you dont like this and sober life you can always go score some dope and it will end this chaos.
What to do? Im about to flip out and that thought about scoring dope to get out of this chaos..man.
Had to edit the ending. Im not suicidal.What i meant with that ultimate solution was more meaning to give in alcohol and drugs for final time.
Sorry about this rambling but my brain is in kind of fast moving chaos.

Hi Chrpea0308.
I dont know about medical use of fentanyl but i do know how sick fent WD is.
I had/have few health issues that included chronic pain.What was funny that when i stopped drugs and alcohol my pains got really bad.Now it is like im fully cured,all those pains are gone.
Now I Dont advice you to stop or do anything else than your doc says.That fent is so incredibly dangerous stuff that i would try to find doc/detox/hospital to get off it and wait atleast 2 weeks after you stop taking fent to asses your pains.You need to go over WD to see how you really feel.
This site is great place for educate yourself and get support. And i do hope all the best for you and your family.
 
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Hey 3m1|
I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. I completely understand. I get a pit feeling in my stomach when im anxious or have stress and it sucks.
I have a few tips that might sound bogus but they?ve worked for me.
Write a list of five things your grateful for that you've gained back being sober and that you would lose if you relapsed. (I.e. Sober mind, family trust, empathy, etc)
Then meditate on each item. Run the tapes of losing the item to relapse and feel the pain.
Next, maybe set up one day a week were you can relax all day and have me time. It gives you something to look forward to. ?oh I have nothing planned today, no tasks or jobs. Those can wait till tomorrow? maybe every sunday. I know it's hard to take time to do that when you have things you need to do but explain to your brother I need this day off once a week for my sanity, to stay clean.
Lastly NA meetings. I'm agnostic so the religious thing always irked me but once I had other athiest/agnostics explain the program, god is such a small part and really your ?higher power? can be anything bigger than yourself (nature, family, etc).
BUT if you don't want to give that a try I understand. It can be intimidating. Almost like joining a cult. There's also SMART or lifering.
Lastly how about meeting with an addiction therapy specialist? This has helped me loads.

You can get through this. I forgot why I stayed clean for two months before I found a new reason. Just stick it out til you find your reason. It will get better.

I wish I could be more of help or hang out with you at this beautiful lake your describing!
Much love,
Becca
 
Hello 3,

Hope you're doing well and hanging in there, how's your weekend going?

Hugs,
Ash.
 
Hi Becca and thank you for the support and tips/advices to deal this situation of ours.May i post PM to you? I would like to ask something about those meetings and therapy.

Hi Ash. Thank you for asking.Im doing good.I hope you are doing good too and had a great weekend.
This was the first morning when i wake up thinking this is normal. It wouldnt be sunday without 7hrs of hard work..Its obvious i have transferred that all or nothing mentality to work now..
Physically im doing great,sleep is..pfff mostly 4-5hrs.
I was thinking that maybe i should slow down with these posts..And wait how i really feel or atleast wait that im fully calm before posting.That last one is like something from extremely manic/depressed.I just wanted to keep this real.
My mind just bounces without control,i have good,bad and terrible days..and all at once sometimes.
Meaning i wake up feeling normal.Couple hours later im fully breaking mentally cos i wont experience that warm rush anymore.Then few hours later im extremely happy when listening music....
Thing is,even if there is some kind of mental illness surfacing now,im not gonna take even half a pill Never Again. These WD has left permanent marks on me physically and mentally.
I dont want to go thru Anything like this never again.
 
3m1l , I know exactly how you feel about waking up feeling good then hrs later it's like taking 2 steps back. From research I found this is fairly normal for long half life opiate withdrawal. I have those cravings to for "relief" . Even one pill will throw your world upside down. I took one tramadol a few weeks ago and the next day was like taking 10 steps back. You've made it so far that you sure as hell don't want to go back and go through it again. Your dopamine is trying to heal and will take a long time to get back to normal. Keep hanging in there my friend.
 
Hello,

I just wanted to stop in and give you some support and let you know how proud I am of you!

Also, you are so not alone. A few of us are going through pretty much the exact same thing in the thread right next to yours here.
I have been following your progress. I have been right there with you a lot of the time. This is so bad. I know.

I'm starting to feel a lot better so just hang in there. Things are getting better. This thing keeps whipping back up on me but I am fighting it to the death.

Sending you lots of love, support, and encouragement.
Best Wishes and I hope you get feeling better real soon!
❤️
 
Just quick update of my date since im tired.
First,Thank you for support and advices hik and Painful One.

Woke up and when i saw my brother told him,I want do anything today.
Packed some coffee,food and whent hike for couple of hours.
Whent to cabin and was just sitting in terrace and watched ducks and swans gather up get ready to move to warmer climate.In that silence out of nowhere this thought popped in my mind.
It does not matter if you now feel extremely bad or good.Only thing that matters is that you now feel.
I mean how simple is that.After that thought this rollercoaster doesnt feel that bad or extreme..I may have to start spend more time in cabin and in silence and just watch and listen nature and life.
So yea,i had really good day.I hope you all had too.
 
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