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Where im now..

Hey all.
Yep,had few to say the least Terrible days.Withdrawals are going on ever so slowly.Physically i do feel better,cant point out why or how,i just know.Mental part is totally different story.
Depression,anxiety and other mental stuff are just attacking me relentlessy.I actually was wondering to bake small cake with spice that has LOW Tch,high CBD content.I mean now im not just "enjoying" insomnia,but its more like torment.Everything going on with dad,its always there,24h day.Im not going back to hard drugs or pills,been there and done that.Im afraid that if this continues im going to find myself again been psych.outpatient.It took last time 18months for me to get better.And they diagnosed Chronic depression,chronic sleepdisorder,nerve damage,fibromyalgia,anhedonia.all were bad..dont want to experience that againg.
 
How's your father doing ? Better I hope . You are thinking the right way. Don't go back to drugs . You've made it too far. You will have a good day and a bad day . I had a bad RLS day yesterday, but today I feel better . Good talking my friend
 
Hello 3,I was just thinking about you. Hoping your father is okay?I'm so happy to hear you say you won't go back to drugs, your life will get to a new normal, a more stable and manageable one. Keep it up my friend, I'm very proud of you.Here for you,you friend,Ash.
3m1l said:
Hey all.Yep,had few to say the least Terrible days.Withdrawals are going on ever so slowly.Physically i do feel better,cant point out why or how,i just know.Mental part is totally different story.Depression,anxiety and other mental stuff are just attacking me relentlessy.I actually was wondering to bake small cake with spice that has LOW Tch,high CBD content.I mean now im not just "enjoying" insomnia,but its more like torment.Everything going on with dad,its always there,24h day.Im not going back to hard drugs or pills,been there and done that.Im afraid that if this continues im going to find myself again been psych.outpatient.It took last time 18months for me to get better.And they diagnosed Chronic depression,chronic sleepdisorder,nerve damage,fibromyalgia,anhedonia.all were bad..dont want to experience that againg.
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Hey and thanks for support.Fact is that dads never gonna be same again.Not mentally or physically..and his final day is closing fast.
Me,i cant sleep,last time was days ago.I have started to eat 5-10 Valium 10mg per day or 5-10 Xanor 2mg day it dependents what i got and how much.I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
I dont sleep more than 1hr even with those pills,its more like catatonic rest.
 
Man be really careful of benzos, the addiction is much worse than opiate addiction. Very long withdrawals where you can have seizures and you get psychotic. Makes opiate withdrawal look like a joke. If you're not already dependent, stop taking benzos now and use them infrequently when you REALLY need them, if you can manage that. Try OTC sleep aids, if you haven't, such as doxylamine. Anything is better than benzo dependence.
 
Yea,i hear you man. They dont make me sleep,just makes me fall over and hurt myself.Its almost pointless to eat them,to feel good for 1hr max and after that patch hands and legs another 30mins.That 0.15mg Subu gave hell of a wd..or then im just too tired to take them.I mean im been battling this shit about month soon.I really wish that i had tapered properly.Well maybe someone reads this and Dont jump like me..I really thought that my ego would crush these wd like nothing.To make it worst,tomorrows gonna be looong day hard work..pffff
Well it is what it is.
 
Man , that's some heavy stuff going on with your dad. I really don't know what to say because I haven't been in your situation. I know the benzo thing isn't going to end up good,trust me . Hang in there and stay strong as you can .
 
My lil benzo experience is now over.i consumed 50 Valium 10mg and 50 2mg Xanor in just few days.Gotta say,i have had really unpleasent day.Permanent cold sweat,not hungry and anger.I even sat in car AC blowing +16c and i still had that cold sweat,chills and anger episodes.and i dont feel physically good anymore.Cant even imagine what kind of shit benzos can give you. Couple years ago i consumed less than week 150mg etizolam with alcohol,and i dont remeber getting these kind of fits..allthough i was smoking chronicly weed and drank hard liquer. Other than that i went to see Dr and he gave me rx to 60 Norflex 100mg and OTC Dormiplant to help with sleep,he even offer opamox but i told him im addict.I mean how nice it is to find Dr who listens and understands what you are going thru and not just label you Junkie and throw you out.Plus if these are not starting to help,we have to think something else.Hes point was,i need sleep,especially now with everything going on family.
And thanks for support you all.
 
Keep vigilant, if you start to feel like you're going to have a seizure, seek medical attention. You might not have developed dependence but you might have. if you start to get paranoid or see and hear things, also seek medical attention. Otherwise you've probably added to your discomfort but it, too, will pass.
 
Hello my dear friend 3,

I'm in pretty much the same situation re your dad, so I totally empathize with you. It's hard I know but with each passing day you are getting better. I know it doesn't feel like it. Like Xorkoth says take it easy on the benzo's, wouldn't want you to have a seizure. Hang in there love, you can do this!!

Your friend, here for you anytime,
Ash.
 
Hello all.
I started to get really intense hot/cold/sweat attacks.Sleep,mostly 0,sometimes 2-5h.Im getting these,its like,i just pass out,i can feel my knees go jello. I catch that fall just before i completely go down and see black for a while.Those things happen even when im trying sleep or rest,so it makes me bit worry.Maybe i have fried my brain with IV.Im just tired,Norflex helps alot for night and so does Dormiplant.Meaning i can just rest and listen music...and did i say im T I R E D.Work,almost nonexistent,been out with dog.
Really thanks for advices,but this just takes too damn long.
 
Good to see you back 3m1, how many days are you into withdrawal ? I'm not experienced with bupe, but I've read a few others experiences. Its gonna be like a marathon. After a couple weeks you should feel somewhat better . Look at weeks instead of days . You're gonna get frustrated and think your body/mind is broken . I don't think it's as bad as methadone WDs , but maybe similar in length. Sleep is very important during WDs. My best days were always after a better night of sleep. Also, DO NOT take even 1 opiate. It'll kick the WDs up for a day or two with only 1 pill . Your a strong person and I believe you'll succeed. Keep some music nearby , if you feel like crying, then cry . All that brain stimulation will speed the healing process. Once you feel good enough to exercise or hike you'll speed up the process also .
 
I've been on fentanyl patches for 4 years I'm currently on 200mcg/hour so two 100mcg patches that I was told to change every 72 hours but because my pain was returning after 48-52 hours I was then told by my doctors to change every 48 hours as 25% of patient's have to obviously as my tolerance grew over the years I had to find a way to speed up my absorption so i read through lots of forums and found that putting them on broken skin would cause faster absorption it was because of my pain not for getting high I hate the feeling of opiates and downers as a teenager I only used cocaine, MDMA and amphetamines now I want to get off fentanyl and all my doctors say is we could reduce it bit by bit with nothing to help with any withdrawal symptoms so i tried multiple times over the last 12 months and I can't do it my girlfriend is constantly reading about how evil fentanyl is and how much better I would feel off it and part of me knows she's right I have been left with massive amounts of nerve damage from transverse myelitis which worsens each time I reduce it on top of withdrawal. My girlfriend has gave me the ultimatum of get off it or I lose her my daughter my home and anything else she can take from me she also says I can't use any illegal drug to help withdral or take anything that could help in larger doses than what is prescribed or stated on the box so I'm fucked and honestly feel that if I'm going to lose everything then I might as well be dead which looks like possibly the only choice I have I am also schizophrenic and have attempted suicide in the past what I want people to take from this is be sure you know where your going to end up if you use fentanyl either prescribed by a doctor or recreational . If anyone has any advice that will help me please another thing is that if I do get off this I have to do so knowing I will spend the rest of my life housebound from my pain and I'm only in my early 30's . Sorry about the length of the post.
 
Hi 3!!
Me waving at you ; )

I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you. I really do hope these wd symptoms ease up for you soon. I'm here if you get bored or you're struggling and would like to pm me.

Take care 3, you're fighting the good fight and it won't be like this forever.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Hi Ash and hikfromstik.
This all started ,was it end of may..maybe.I have relapsed 2 after that.Last relapse was 20.7? Now i have been about 20-25 days fully sober,i dont count 4-5days use of benzos,never really liked them anyway.
I looked my first posts and im far better condition now than then.All pains and aches are nearly gone.Actually got over 9hrs of sleep last night.Found 1 2mg xanax from wallet and took it with 2 norflex and 3 dormiplants.
What really eats me is depression,anxiety,insomnia,no energy,no motivation and nausea/vomiting that comes and goes just like this cold sweat/chills.
So why do i complain? I just dont know.Things could be so much worse.
That counting weeks dont work for me.I go day by day,without counting days too much.
I dont have cravings anymore,any drug...but i do feel like im still climbing out of hell.
This day is first that i dont feel like dying..that sleep ws so needed.Soon as i got work done its hiking with Laika.
 
Your at the exact spot I was at at about day 25. The weakness and no motivation is the worst. Your sleeping good it seems like. You've made it far enough that your getting to the end soon . These long half life opioids are hell on earth to withdraw from. Hang in there my friend you almost there.
 
You're doing really well 3!!! I know it doesn't feel like it but you really are!! I'm glad to hear you got some sleep, that's really helpful isn't it?

Like hik says, you're making huge progress and you know we're here to support you my friend.

Hugs,
Ash.
 
Hi.
Something is really happening now.Other night i slept 9hrs with those pills.Last night i slept 5hrs,all i took was 1xNorflex,2xDormiplant,allthough i woke up in chills and cold sweat,sleep was the key.I was so sure that after that 9hr sleep i would be awake days again,but no..Music,everytime i hear something i really like i got goose pumps from head to toes and insane smile on my face.
Last night watched John Oliver and there was this thing about opioids,i laughed so hard his jokes that tears started to roll..and it is years since i just laugh something..man that was the best feeling i have had in many,many years.Other than that,was going thru my backpacks and stuff...and what do i found in one.Bunch of used needles and 2 fully loaded syringes.Im almost sure that there was 4mg Subu on boths...I just gathered everything and burned them immediatly in boiler room.
Now before that i was having ok day.When i burnt those needles,it was like lightning strike when this infinite dark sadness hit me..all i could think was that i need to inject something in me,and why the hell i didnt use those ready loaded needles,it could have been Oxy and alot of it.I guess im now really starting to understand needle addiction.
Read something about methadone wd. If Subu is this hard to leave...man it must be hell to leave methdone.
Something to wait, got time to this private clinic/hospital end of september.They do full medical check up for me to see what kind of damage i have done to myself.Obviously im not paying it myself,its kind of payment for the work i have done free..
 
Well I'm really proud that you didn't use the stuff you found 3. It would just put you back at the start again and you've come way too far for that.


Good to hear you can enter the clinic in September, I think that's awesome and it's nice you don't have to pay for it!!!

Keep at it 3, here for you always!!

Hugs,
Ash.

3m1l said:
Hi.
Something is really happening now.Other night i slept 9hrs with those pills.Last night i slept 5hrs,all i took was 1xNorflex,2xDormiplant,allthough i woke up in chills and cold sweat,sleep was the key.I was so sure that after that 9hr sleep i would be awake days again,but no..Music,everytime i hear something i really like i got goose pumps from head to toes and insane smile on my face.
Last night watched John Oliver and there was this thing about opioids,i laughed so hard his jokes that tears started to roll..and it is years since i just laugh something..man that was the best feeling i have had in many,many years.Other than that,was going thru my backpacks and stuff...and what do i found in one.Bunch of used needles and 2 fully loaded syringes.Im almost sure that there was 4mg Subu on boths...I just gathered everything and burned them immediatly in boiler room.
Now before that i was having ok day.When i burnt those needles,it was like lightning strike when this infinite dark sadness hit me..all i could think was that i need to inject something in me,and why the hell i didnt use those ready loaded needles,it could have been Oxy and alot of it.I guess im now really starting to understand needle addiction.
Read something about methadone wd. If Subu is this hard to leave...man it must be hell to leave methdone.
Something to wait, got time to this private clinic/hospital end of september.They do full medical check up for me to see what kind of damage i have done to myself.Obviously im not paying it myself,its kind of payment for the work i have done free..
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Thanks Ash.

uuughhh..Only 4hr sleep..I must have never come this far cos when i woke up 7am i had experience like no other..i didnt know that one can go that broken mentally.
I woke up in chills and cold sweat + This Really intense feeling of cold loneliness companied with depression and anxiety.I mean it took almost 2hrs to get out of bed...and another 3hrs to go outside and only cos my brother needed help.That cold loneliness,man...How did i get away it?
When brother left i tuned chainsaw high gear and sharpened axe and pushed myself with hardwork to the point i vomited...+sauna and swimming.
After that its been lingering over me but not so crushing and it only bothers if i start to think how long this will last..Yea and lower back pain has made small comeback..
This is really f*cked up how long this shit throws you back and forth..Yea those pains where mild compared to this mental hell.
 
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