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Hey there!

Cirno

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
1
This was originally going to be my biography, but it wouldn't save so I'm using it as introduction and linking to this thread instead. I'm not entirely happy with it, but it is honest though perhaps not comprehensive, which I suppose is for the best since this autobiography is being posted on a forum instead of being published, so it doesn't really matter if it isn't comprehensive or even coherent and I think the poor editing or lack of any at all really can be excused, at least for now.

When I was younger, I had a sort of prejudice against drugs (aside from caffeine which I've been injesting on and off from 2 to about 16 and then more consistently and more intensely after) mostly because of an extensive family history of addiction and substance abuse, including my mom who lost her kids and then her life to heroin, My perspective changed when I started experimenting with alcohol around 17. It was because of alcohol that I first tried weed, and that led to another shift in perspective. I had a bad couple of years and then had my first job and my alcohol intake increased exponentially. I would burn myself for the endorphins, drink several gulps of vodka, lie down, listen to music and enjoy sort of fading away, often falling asleep for a few hours then doing it again. I experimented with diphenhydramine, which I enjoyed to a point,until one night I took more than I could handle, and had one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life, and have mostly stayed away from it even in normal doses since. I've experimented quite a bit with DXM, first with cough syrup, then switching to crushed tablets with alcohol to cut back on sugar. I progressed to where I was taking around 1200 mg, usually two or three nights a week. I started to get bored of it so I took a break and stayed trying not things. Tried LSD, enjoyed it. I've noticed since experimenting with DXM and LSD that I seem to get visuals with just weed more often and they're a bit more clear. Right now my main thing is caffeine. I had been at the point where I was drinking an entire pot of coffee any morning I was expecting to do anything other than lie around, then I bought caffeine powder and everything changed. Started with the normal 200 my door, but quickly started having 800 mg in my morning coffee, in water, or alcohol. This on top of often having at least half a pot of coffee. Some days I'll have 1200-1600 my from caffeine powder in addition to coffee or sugar free energy drinks. I've found out to be a great performance enhancer for work. I've had since times where my heart felt off a few times and the police have gotten involved a couple of times when I've been out of control, one particular instance comes to mind where I was held down, drugged with a cocktail of Ativan and diphenhydramine, and restrained with cloth restraints. Really I probably shouldn't use drugs recreationally because I have a history of mental illness, the main thing being Bipolar, along with the family history of mental illness and addiction, but right now it isn't enough for me to stop or even slow down really. I imagine eventually I will come to a point where my life nearly ends, and I will have to decide whether I'm willing to risk my life and/or future for this. I hope that one way or another, when that day comes, I'm ready to accept the consequences of my choices and understand the true weight of freedom.

My to-do list includes most hallucinogens, including the typical choices, and possibly research chemicals on a case by case basis, but my number one interest right now is DMT. my experience with DXM leads me to want to try other dissoxiatives, in particular ketamine. I'd like to try MDMA and some of its relatives, though MDMA is probably a really bad idea for me, especially considering being bipolar, on the upside I'd probably end up in the hospital, and then on the downside I'd probably have worse depression than every before. That being said, I'm probably going to try it some day regardless. I have still not come around on opiates and am planning on avoiding them for the most part. I'm becoming more interested in stimulants other than caffeine which is a relatively new development (within the last 6 months-ish), but I'm not ready to take that leap yet and probably won't be for a while. I hope to some day achieve a state of equilibrium in my usage, where the decision to do or not to do something resides solely within myself, where I know that I do it by my choice, having done sufficient research to harm reduce as much as I can, my actions controlled not by addiction, peer pressure, and thoughtless pleasure seeking on the one side, nor by societal expectation and personal prejudice on the other, but rather by me, who after having informed myself of the pros and cons, risks and benefits, both short term and long term sit in the middle between the two sides, weighing my options, mediating between conflicting
internal desires and external pressures, choosing for myself my own path, and doing my best to accept responsibility. In addition to this, I want to try to endeavor to never impinge on the free choice of others, and hopefully some day I'll be in a place where my experiences can help people discover and acknowledge their existential freedom and choose their own path. In these last statements, I, for the first time really, develop and record my personal code of ethics regarding recreational drug usage in particular, and more generally regarding freedom, informed choice, and the responsibility inherent in said freedom. I will undoubtedly fall short of this quite often, but this written statement exists as a set of ideals and an explicit commitment for me to strive towards. Sorry for rambling, this writing was produced on a phone, is somewhat stimulant fueled, was written over the course of an hour or two, with some interruptions in production. In short it could take use some editing, but I'll wait until I'm on a device better for word processing.
 
Your post reminds me of my cousin. He would try anything. Got employed as a human guinea pig for pharmaceutical companies for about twenty years. Then he stopped doing that, and started a family. He caused a lot of damage to his organs. He died at 42. Family was/still is devastated.
 
^A sobering reminder of the risks that is sadly all too common. :(

Welcome to Bluelight, Cirno. Definitely check out Psychedelic Drugs and Other Drugs forum for info, and to share your wisdom :)
 
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