tokezu
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2014
- Messages
- 510
This is probably not going to make much sense because I'm omitting a lot of stuff, basically part one and part three of the story. Maybe I'll add more when I feel up to it, but for now I just have to share this with somebody.
-----------------------------------------------
Someone played a very serious mindfuck game on me which ended up with me sitting in a psychiatric hospital with a diagnosis of drug induced psychosis and experiencing the worst depression of my life.
But let's start in the middle of the story. It was New Years and I was sitting alone at home having just taken 150 mg 6-APB and 125 mcg ALD-52. I was going to do a magical ritual. Nothing fancy just some basic sigil work with some positive intentions for the new year. I drew the sigils on a candle, sat myself in front of the candle and started concentrating on the sigil in front of me. Very soon I started to realize that something strange was going on, I felt a tremendous energy coursing through my body and this only became stronger as I moved the candle so that I could see the second sigil. I felt a powerful vibration at the base of my spine, very much sexual in nature. I turned the candle another time to face the third and last sigil. The feeling got even stronger and it wasn't long before something clicked inside of me and shit started to get really weird.
The flame of the candle made a weird pulse as if expanding for a micro second and for the shortest moment I felt like there was going to be a divine revelation of some kind. But then immediately suspicion arose in me. "This is not what it seems to be. This is some kind of trick." I thought to myself, no I didn't just think it I simply knew. Next thing on my mind is how I came to make exactly those sigils the way I did. I didn't use my usual technique but just drew them freestyle. And they didn't even look like my usual sigils, but very different in style. "These are not my sigils, at all. Clearly somebody else designed them." And whoever it was knew what they were doing. Because these sigils seemed to have unlocked something within me that was planted there only to come to the surface once I had done what I was supposed to do.
It was suddenly as if I started to remember things I had forgotten. Not quite though, it felt more like there was knowledge beamed into my head right now but it carrying an old timestamp with it. Either that or something was 'unlocking' these memories within me. I suddenly 'remembered' I had made some kind of deal with someone. But I didn't know with whom or what it was about. But one thing I did know. This wasn't good. Oh no, this wasn't good at all. Someone had tricked me into agreeing to something that I had no understanding of. Or had they?
No not really. That was the trick! To make me think it was already over, that I had already given in. I got the strong impression that whoever was fucking with me could control time in some kind of way. Or at least my perception of time. It was almost as if we were in the process of agreeing on some kind of deal, me being almost ready to put my signature on the paper, when before my eyes pages upon pages of fine print start to appear out of nowhere. Too much to read, too much to understand and somebody being right there putting enormous pressure on me to just sign the goddamn thing already.
Yes, there was somebody there. I didn't exactly see anything but there was clearly some kind of presence on the other side of the table. "Holy fuck" I think to myself again "This isn't good at all." I stand up and step next to the table. I'm not sure if I did that on my own or if something made me do it. But what happens now is clearly what someone is doing to me. I stretch my arms out in a motion as if I was putting on a jacket and something is entering my fucking chest! It feels like something has stepped into my body trying to wear it like a fucking suit! Real panic starts rising up. All the while it seems like internet pop ups going of in my mind, that keep asking me, nay, demanding that I agree to whatever it is that's happening. Almost like a computer virus asking for administrator rights. And there is something else. That someone isn't alone. I get a distinct feeling that they have brought along some friends who are now all standing around me and giving of a vibe like they are the local mafia having come to take over your business, waving the papers they want you to sign for them.
I realize something. Whatever this is, it needs my consent for what it is about to do. So with all my courage and in the most confident voice I can muster, I say no. "NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!" I blow out the candle that is still standing on the table and switch on the lights to change the mood. I remember something my favourite author (Robert Anton Wilson) had written about what to do when occult practices go wrong and uninvited guests show up. He said that laughter is the best medicine, to banish it with laughter!
So that's what I did, I stood there and tried my best to bring out genuine laughter. This wasn't easy as you can imagine, seeing that I was quite frightened by what was happening. But somewhere inside of me I found it and I brought it out. Real hysterical laughter. " HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA You want to fuck with me? Here in my own home? HAHAHA You fucking amateurs have no clue who you are up against. HAHAHA You have no right to do anything here. Only what I say goes. HAHAHAHA Get the fuck out of here!" And the following which became my mantra for the next 48 hours "I banish everything that does not conform to my will!"
"Whew that was close" I thought to myself and sat down on the couch. "It's over, right?" Well it wasn't, but I had discovered that my words and my will did count for something.
Soon the feelings of religious awe returned, I seriously entertained the thought that the end of the world had come. This had a distinct Hindu flavor, with me representing Shiva who's dream of this world is coming to an end, who is about to be reunited with his consort Kali. Suddenly I saw that there was a big yin and yang sign on the wall, made up from the big white mandala on black ground hanging above my bed and the round shape of a chairs backrest against the white wall next to it. "Holy shit, this is really happening" I thought "This is real!" Again this only lasted for a second before I came to my senses. "Stay vigilant, somebody is fucking with you."
I couldn't take my eyes of the thin line between the black and white masses of the yin yang sign and then the line seemed to shift in some way and my head moved with it. Then something came through the crack. It engulfed me, laying itself over my skin, over my eyes, like some transparent liquid that was hardly detectable by the senses. It didn't want to be noticed, but I did notice it. Like before the image of a computer virus trying to blend in came to my mind. Again I spoke " I banish everything that does not conform to my will!" and then it started speaking to me "I have always been here, we're old friends!" and the next thing is that I feel kisses over my whole body. It wanted be to think that it was Kali, space itself having become conscious, not space as in out there with the stars but just the space in between things that makes it possible for us to divide things at all. Again I felt tricked. Also (and I'm a little vague about the order of things here) through that line between black and white on the wall came a face rather like a transparent emoticon, as if somebody who's otherwise invisible was wearing it as a mask. And again it spoke to me, commenting nonchalantly "Yes, we can do this. We just travel in between space." I still felt like I was tricked.
It took me a while to realise what was wrong. That voice that I heard inside my head... it spoke English. Now this wouldn't be of concern if my own native language were English, but it is not. So what the hell was going on here, Kali has come back to join Shiva but has to rely on a foreign language to communicate with him? Or interdimensional beings perform telepathy but only in English? Pretty unlikely isn't it? Now I was sure that this wasn't supernatural in any sense, but as I had felt from the beginning, someone was playing an elaborate trick on me. Well, I had caught them slipping up, I knew I had to do with some kind of imposter and I decided I would just ride it out.
Not that that was easy... I stayed up for another 48 hours repeating my mantra "I banish everything that does not conform to my will!" and also just the word "No". It kept asking for permission to do whatever it wanted to do and I kept on denying. This kind of worked in the sense that it became less and less intense. I improvised other rituals to cleanse myself of all evil influence. Again and again there were voices talking to me that more and more seemed to not actually interact with me but more like a tape being played inside my mind. The vibe was overall very rapey and murdery and I would feel this sexual energy coursing through my body, which you can imagine was pretty unwanted at that point.
I stayed up the whole next day and until 4 am the next morning when I barely slept for two hours on the couch, because I thought my bed was cursed somehow, after awakening I felt a little more confident that I had successfully warded off a mental attack of some sort. But throughout the day sleep deprivation got the better of me and I became very paranoid and I guess also psychotic (or maybe I was psychotic from the start, that is for you to decide). I suspected the CIA or some similar organisation to have tested their newest bag of tricks on me and they were surely to send some assassins after me. The old lady in the apartment above me was in on it too
. Also I discovered that there was again a voice talking to me in my head. This time in my own language, claiming to be Lucifer. But I felt a hint of doubt that I was just making myself crazy. So after I had hit the lowest point, which involved me digging through the trash cans of my apartment building, I decided the only sensible thing to do was to go to the hospital.
At the hospital I had to wait endlessly in the ER but finally they admitted me to the psychiatric unit where they pumped me full of benzos and anti-psychotics and gave me a nice warm bed where I soon found sleep. I stayed there for a full week. Now, six months later, I am still severely depressed though things start to get a little better.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_6apb
substancecode_empathogens
substancecode_ald52
substancecode_lysergamides
_combo_
explevel_experienced
exptype_negative
exptype_difficult
exptype_disaster
roacode_oral
roacode_sublingual
-----------------------------------------------
Someone played a very serious mindfuck game on me which ended up with me sitting in a psychiatric hospital with a diagnosis of drug induced psychosis and experiencing the worst depression of my life.
But let's start in the middle of the story. It was New Years and I was sitting alone at home having just taken 150 mg 6-APB and 125 mcg ALD-52. I was going to do a magical ritual. Nothing fancy just some basic sigil work with some positive intentions for the new year. I drew the sigils on a candle, sat myself in front of the candle and started concentrating on the sigil in front of me. Very soon I started to realize that something strange was going on, I felt a tremendous energy coursing through my body and this only became stronger as I moved the candle so that I could see the second sigil. I felt a powerful vibration at the base of my spine, very much sexual in nature. I turned the candle another time to face the third and last sigil. The feeling got even stronger and it wasn't long before something clicked inside of me and shit started to get really weird.
The flame of the candle made a weird pulse as if expanding for a micro second and for the shortest moment I felt like there was going to be a divine revelation of some kind. But then immediately suspicion arose in me. "This is not what it seems to be. This is some kind of trick." I thought to myself, no I didn't just think it I simply knew. Next thing on my mind is how I came to make exactly those sigils the way I did. I didn't use my usual technique but just drew them freestyle. And they didn't even look like my usual sigils, but very different in style. "These are not my sigils, at all. Clearly somebody else designed them." And whoever it was knew what they were doing. Because these sigils seemed to have unlocked something within me that was planted there only to come to the surface once I had done what I was supposed to do.
It was suddenly as if I started to remember things I had forgotten. Not quite though, it felt more like there was knowledge beamed into my head right now but it carrying an old timestamp with it. Either that or something was 'unlocking' these memories within me. I suddenly 'remembered' I had made some kind of deal with someone. But I didn't know with whom or what it was about. But one thing I did know. This wasn't good. Oh no, this wasn't good at all. Someone had tricked me into agreeing to something that I had no understanding of. Or had they?
No not really. That was the trick! To make me think it was already over, that I had already given in. I got the strong impression that whoever was fucking with me could control time in some kind of way. Or at least my perception of time. It was almost as if we were in the process of agreeing on some kind of deal, me being almost ready to put my signature on the paper, when before my eyes pages upon pages of fine print start to appear out of nowhere. Too much to read, too much to understand and somebody being right there putting enormous pressure on me to just sign the goddamn thing already.
Yes, there was somebody there. I didn't exactly see anything but there was clearly some kind of presence on the other side of the table. "Holy fuck" I think to myself again "This isn't good at all." I stand up and step next to the table. I'm not sure if I did that on my own or if something made me do it. But what happens now is clearly what someone is doing to me. I stretch my arms out in a motion as if I was putting on a jacket and something is entering my fucking chest! It feels like something has stepped into my body trying to wear it like a fucking suit! Real panic starts rising up. All the while it seems like internet pop ups going of in my mind, that keep asking me, nay, demanding that I agree to whatever it is that's happening. Almost like a computer virus asking for administrator rights. And there is something else. That someone isn't alone. I get a distinct feeling that they have brought along some friends who are now all standing around me and giving of a vibe like they are the local mafia having come to take over your business, waving the papers they want you to sign for them.
I realize something. Whatever this is, it needs my consent for what it is about to do. So with all my courage and in the most confident voice I can muster, I say no. "NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!" I blow out the candle that is still standing on the table and switch on the lights to change the mood. I remember something my favourite author (Robert Anton Wilson) had written about what to do when occult practices go wrong and uninvited guests show up. He said that laughter is the best medicine, to banish it with laughter!
So that's what I did, I stood there and tried my best to bring out genuine laughter. This wasn't easy as you can imagine, seeing that I was quite frightened by what was happening. But somewhere inside of me I found it and I brought it out. Real hysterical laughter. " HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA You want to fuck with me? Here in my own home? HAHAHA You fucking amateurs have no clue who you are up against. HAHAHA You have no right to do anything here. Only what I say goes. HAHAHAHA Get the fuck out of here!" And the following which became my mantra for the next 48 hours "I banish everything that does not conform to my will!"
"Whew that was close" I thought to myself and sat down on the couch. "It's over, right?" Well it wasn't, but I had discovered that my words and my will did count for something.
Soon the feelings of religious awe returned, I seriously entertained the thought that the end of the world had come. This had a distinct Hindu flavor, with me representing Shiva who's dream of this world is coming to an end, who is about to be reunited with his consort Kali. Suddenly I saw that there was a big yin and yang sign on the wall, made up from the big white mandala on black ground hanging above my bed and the round shape of a chairs backrest against the white wall next to it. "Holy shit, this is really happening" I thought "This is real!" Again this only lasted for a second before I came to my senses. "Stay vigilant, somebody is fucking with you."
I couldn't take my eyes of the thin line between the black and white masses of the yin yang sign and then the line seemed to shift in some way and my head moved with it. Then something came through the crack. It engulfed me, laying itself over my skin, over my eyes, like some transparent liquid that was hardly detectable by the senses. It didn't want to be noticed, but I did notice it. Like before the image of a computer virus trying to blend in came to my mind. Again I spoke " I banish everything that does not conform to my will!" and then it started speaking to me "I have always been here, we're old friends!" and the next thing is that I feel kisses over my whole body. It wanted be to think that it was Kali, space itself having become conscious, not space as in out there with the stars but just the space in between things that makes it possible for us to divide things at all. Again I felt tricked. Also (and I'm a little vague about the order of things here) through that line between black and white on the wall came a face rather like a transparent emoticon, as if somebody who's otherwise invisible was wearing it as a mask. And again it spoke to me, commenting nonchalantly "Yes, we can do this. We just travel in between space." I still felt like I was tricked.
It took me a while to realise what was wrong. That voice that I heard inside my head... it spoke English. Now this wouldn't be of concern if my own native language were English, but it is not. So what the hell was going on here, Kali has come back to join Shiva but has to rely on a foreign language to communicate with him? Or interdimensional beings perform telepathy but only in English? Pretty unlikely isn't it? Now I was sure that this wasn't supernatural in any sense, but as I had felt from the beginning, someone was playing an elaborate trick on me. Well, I had caught them slipping up, I knew I had to do with some kind of imposter and I decided I would just ride it out.
Not that that was easy... I stayed up for another 48 hours repeating my mantra "I banish everything that does not conform to my will!" and also just the word "No". It kept asking for permission to do whatever it wanted to do and I kept on denying. This kind of worked in the sense that it became less and less intense. I improvised other rituals to cleanse myself of all evil influence. Again and again there were voices talking to me that more and more seemed to not actually interact with me but more like a tape being played inside my mind. The vibe was overall very rapey and murdery and I would feel this sexual energy coursing through my body, which you can imagine was pretty unwanted at that point.
I stayed up the whole next day and until 4 am the next morning when I barely slept for two hours on the couch, because I thought my bed was cursed somehow, after awakening I felt a little more confident that I had successfully warded off a mental attack of some sort. But throughout the day sleep deprivation got the better of me and I became very paranoid and I guess also psychotic (or maybe I was psychotic from the start, that is for you to decide). I suspected the CIA or some similar organisation to have tested their newest bag of tricks on me and they were surely to send some assassins after me. The old lady in the apartment above me was in on it too
. Also I discovered that there was again a voice talking to me in my head. This time in my own language, claiming to be Lucifer. But I felt a hint of doubt that I was just making myself crazy. So after I had hit the lowest point, which involved me digging through the trash cans of my apartment building, I decided the only sensible thing to do was to go to the hospital.At the hospital I had to wait endlessly in the ER but finally they admitted me to the psychiatric unit where they pumped me full of benzos and anti-psychotics and gave me a nice warm bed where I soon found sleep. I stayed there for a full week. Now, six months later, I am still severely depressed though things start to get a little better.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_6apb
substancecode_empathogens
substancecode_ald52
substancecode_lysergamides
_combo_
explevel_experienced
exptype_negative
exptype_difficult
exptype_disaster
roacode_oral
roacode_sublingual
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