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Thread: Trying to touch heaven

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    Trying to touch heaven 
    #1
    Hi there,

    I am a long time lurker but have decided to start join the community that I already love. I have written a piece about what it was like when I was in hell with an opiate and pharmaceutical addiction. I hope it resonates in some people .

    Here we are :



    You're so excited. You know what is about to happen. You know that soon, everything that is hurting you inside will disappear. In only moments away, you are going to feel the emotions that you've craved all your life. You haven't felt something real in so long you can't remember. The only time you feel like a normal human being is when you crush pills, rail, rack, smoke, or boot. You do it all. When you get on and you're driving home, you have a grin on your face. You pull over and open the little plastic bag and quickly swallow a few pills. Hell, who could resist? It is different for everyone but soon, you will find a drug of choice. A favorite, familiar friend that stops by every day, rain, hail or shine. For you, it is made pharmaceutically, and you love it more than anything.


    But anyway, back to the clock. You check the time constantly. Do I feel anything? Maybe I should take more. No, not yet. I can't afford to end up in the hospital again. Just as you're thinking about this, a warm glow begins to creep up your body. A pleasant feeling emanates from your legs and chest. The next step is the euphoria. It creeps and creeps. A beautiful, magnificent feeling increases and soon enough, you've reached your peak. This is the best it will get, and by god, you make the most of it. You smile, laugh, feel empowered, confident and completely at peace with the world. It feels like everything is in its place. The demons have been forced away and you cannot even remember why they were there. You feel lighter. Apart from the complete state of orgasmic bliss you're in, you think maybe, just maybe, this is what 'normal' people feel like.




    At this point, the world is your oyster. You can head out, see your friends and get out into the nightlife. Or you can lie on your bed, watch Netflix and do nothing at all. You can go to work, although it's difficult to hide the signs. Your favorite thing is to sit on the balcony of your house with a journal, a pen and a pack of cigarettes and spend a few hours writing. You can do anything, but for you, you just enjoy the fact that at this moment you're not weighed down with pain, regret, anxiety and crippling depression. This is all temporary, and you know that. As the euphoria creeps back down, you have two options. You either go and message one of your 'friends' and see what they are holding, or you accept the funs over.


    Either way, you go to the place in your room where you hide everything. You shakily start cracking open that pill bottle. Shit, it's empty. Fuck. You don't have anymore and won't have any for tomorrow. You HAVE to get some pills for tomorrow. So no you have to start messaging people all over town or even if you're that desperate, call the guy no one wants to be in contact with. So goes the cycle. The chase. Due to the chemical structure of your drug of choice, it can be only taken once a day for the most powerful effects. You can smash some more but it will just not be the same. So for now, you're stuck. You will be waiting anxiously for someone to come through and a call you back. You should have planned to have enough, but you always end up taking one or two extra for fun and that catches up with you.


    This is chasing the dragon. Where all you ever want to be in is a beautifully numb and disconnected heaven and it is hard to get there. You want that feeling so badly that it becomes your lifestyle. It becomes you.
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    #2
    Beautifully written SS, you are a very talented writer. I am glad you quit the drugs, how long has it been?

    Hugs,
    your friend,
    Ashley.
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    #3
    Thank you for the kind words Ashley, I have been sober for 18 months now
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    #4
    Bluelighter
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    Great read for us opiate hounds. Preach it brotha
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    #5
    Wow truly so proud of you!!!! You're Amazing my dear friend!!!

    Love and strength to you.

    Your friend,
    Ash.
    Quote Originally Posted by SAMSMITH View Post
    Thank you for the kind words Ashley, I have been sober for 18 months now
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    #6
    Bluelighter Rio Fantastic's Avatar
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    Great post. What was your DOC that can only be taken once a day? The only opioid that comes to mind is codeine, but people don't usually describe the codeine high/habit in such strong terms.
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    #7
    Shadowmeister
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    Methadone maybe?
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    #8
    Bluelighter Larimar's Avatar
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    Very accurate capture 💞
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    #9
    Bluelighter
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xorkoth View Post
    Methadone maybe?
    Or suboxone. He said he booted them ? Maybe just all opiates in general?
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    #10
    Very Good read, thank you SAMSMITH. Opiates control your day/night/life/relationship everything. Congrats on sober 18 months, its a tough one to kick. I'm 3.5 years give or take a few months but it took like 2700 times to try and quit but anyway you described the complete hell it is to live that life. I could only show up in my life if I had it. I felt weird carrying my empty purse around after sober from opiates that is lol, and I'm like ok "what does one put in their purse if not pill bottles", lol. Anyway not to be clique but thanks for sharing. lol
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    #11
    Thanks again for your kind words, everyone. I mainly used Codeine/Promethazine daily ( I love this combo more than anything ) but I would also mix it with basically any benzo/barbs/opiate I could get my hands on. The lifestyle I lead eventually ended up with me using rock . Basically disregarding my true friends and hanging out with the wrong people who were completely ruined by meth . I thought my new friends were actually going to be there for me and act like real mates but they were just people that got together to use every now and then and I was just another guy hanging out and getting fucked up on the pipe .

    I am now on a Suboxone plan. I was on Methadone for a few months then switched to Suboxone. I am on Paroxetine to help with my anxiety, Seroquel to sleep and my doctor has given me Lyrica to try and manage my anxiety as well ( I wrote a post on Lyrica a little while back if anyones interested ) . Right now I am doing well, I have re-established my relationship with my old friends, have a job and am trying to live a normal life. I am sorry to rant about my life and give my whole story, I just want people to know there is a way out. A supervised methadone program or suboxone program can save your life. It isn't for everyone obviously but I think even just talking to a professional would help. Someone that specialises in drug use would be best . I am going to write another piece that might explain this a bit better. I love writing as it helps with my anxiety and I am not sure if Bluelight is the best avenue as I am scared of backlash but let me know if you think I should continue . Anyway, peace and much love guys.
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    #12
    Shadowmeister
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    I, too, love writing, it's one of the best ways to vent and simultaneously to organize your thoughts about something. Please never feel like you will experience any negativity or backlash from sharing in here... Bluelight is one of the friendliest places on the Internet, and in The Dark Side in particular we have a strict policy against any sort of personal attacks or negativity towards someone because we aim to be a supportive environment where you can feel at ease sharing your thoughts.
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