SAMSMITH
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2018
- Messages
- 9
Hi there,
I am a long time lurker but have decided to start joining the community that I already love. I have written a piece about what it was like when I was in hell with an opiate and pharmaceutical addiction. I hope it resonates in some people .
Here we are :
You're so excited. You know what is about to happen. You know that soon, everything that is hurting you inside will disappear. In only moments away, you are going to feel the emotions that you've craved all your life. You haven't felt something real in so long you can't remember. The only time you feel like a normal human being is when you crush pills, rail, rack, smoke, or boot. You do it all. When you get on and you're driving home, you have a grin on your face. You pull over and open the little plastic bag and quickly swallow a few pills. Hell, who could resist? It is different for everyone but soon, you will find a drug of choice. A favorite, familiar friend that stops by every day, rain, hail or shine. For you, it is made pharmaceutically, and you love it more than anything.
But anyway, back to the clock. You check the time constantly. Do I feel anything? Maybe I should take more. No, not yet. I can't afford to end up in the hospital again. Just as you're thinking about this, a warm glow begins to creep up your body. A pleasant feeling emanates from your legs and chest. The next step is the euphoria. It creeps and creeps. A beautiful, magnificent feeling increases and soon enough, you've reached your peak. This is the best it will get, and by god, you make the most of it. You smile, laugh, feel empowered, confident and completely at peace with the world. It feels like everything is in its place. The demons have been forced away and you cannot even remember why they were there. You feel lighter. Apart from the complete state of orgasmic bliss you're in, you think maybe, just maybe, this is what 'normal' people feel like.
At this point, the world is your oyster. You can head out, see your friends and get out into the nightlife. Or you can lie on your bed, watch Netflix and do nothing at all. You can go to work, although it's difficult to hide the signs. Your favorite thing is to sit on the balcony of your house with a journal, a pen and a pack of cigarettes and spend a few hours writing. You can do anything, but for you, you just enjoy the fact that at this moment you're not weighed down with pain, regret, anxiety and crippling depression. This is all temporary, and you know that. As the euphoria creeps back down, you have two options. You either go and message one of your 'friends' and see what they are holding, or you accept the funs over.
Either way, you go to the place in your room where you hide everything. You shakily start cracking open that pill bottle. Shit, it's empty. Fuck. You don't have anymore and won't have any for tomorrow. You HAVE to get some pills for tomorrow. So now you have to start messaging people all over town or even if you're that desperate, call the guy no one wants to be in contact with. So goes the cycle. The chase. Due to the chemical structure of your drug of choice, it can be only taken once a day for the most powerful effects. You can smash some more but it will just not be the same. So for now, you're stuck. You will be waiting anxiously for someone to come through and a call you back. You should have planned to have enough, but you always end up taking one or two extra for fun and that catches up with you.
This is chasing the dragon. Where all you ever want to be in is a beautifully numb and disconnected heaven and it is hard to get there. You want that feeling so badly that it becomes your lifestyle. It becomes you.
I am a long time lurker but have decided to start joining the community that I already love. I have written a piece about what it was like when I was in hell with an opiate and pharmaceutical addiction. I hope it resonates in some people .
Here we are :
You're so excited. You know what is about to happen. You know that soon, everything that is hurting you inside will disappear. In only moments away, you are going to feel the emotions that you've craved all your life. You haven't felt something real in so long you can't remember. The only time you feel like a normal human being is when you crush pills, rail, rack, smoke, or boot. You do it all. When you get on and you're driving home, you have a grin on your face. You pull over and open the little plastic bag and quickly swallow a few pills. Hell, who could resist? It is different for everyone but soon, you will find a drug of choice. A favorite, familiar friend that stops by every day, rain, hail or shine. For you, it is made pharmaceutically, and you love it more than anything.
But anyway, back to the clock. You check the time constantly. Do I feel anything? Maybe I should take more. No, not yet. I can't afford to end up in the hospital again. Just as you're thinking about this, a warm glow begins to creep up your body. A pleasant feeling emanates from your legs and chest. The next step is the euphoria. It creeps and creeps. A beautiful, magnificent feeling increases and soon enough, you've reached your peak. This is the best it will get, and by god, you make the most of it. You smile, laugh, feel empowered, confident and completely at peace with the world. It feels like everything is in its place. The demons have been forced away and you cannot even remember why they were there. You feel lighter. Apart from the complete state of orgasmic bliss you're in, you think maybe, just maybe, this is what 'normal' people feel like.
At this point, the world is your oyster. You can head out, see your friends and get out into the nightlife. Or you can lie on your bed, watch Netflix and do nothing at all. You can go to work, although it's difficult to hide the signs. Your favorite thing is to sit on the balcony of your house with a journal, a pen and a pack of cigarettes and spend a few hours writing. You can do anything, but for you, you just enjoy the fact that at this moment you're not weighed down with pain, regret, anxiety and crippling depression. This is all temporary, and you know that. As the euphoria creeps back down, you have two options. You either go and message one of your 'friends' and see what they are holding, or you accept the funs over.
Either way, you go to the place in your room where you hide everything. You shakily start cracking open that pill bottle. Shit, it's empty. Fuck. You don't have anymore and won't have any for tomorrow. You HAVE to get some pills for tomorrow. So now you have to start messaging people all over town or even if you're that desperate, call the guy no one wants to be in contact with. So goes the cycle. The chase. Due to the chemical structure of your drug of choice, it can be only taken once a day for the most powerful effects. You can smash some more but it will just not be the same. So for now, you're stuck. You will be waiting anxiously for someone to come through and a call you back. You should have planned to have enough, but you always end up taking one or two extra for fun and that catches up with you.
This is chasing the dragon. Where all you ever want to be in is a beautifully numb and disconnected heaven and it is hard to get there. You want that feeling so badly that it becomes your lifestyle. It becomes you.
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