SmashingWretzky
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2018
- Messages
- 22
This will be a long post but at least you were warned. I am hoping I can get some help and advice. I will be honest and all i ask is in return you please do the same. Apologies for any grammatical errors I'm a numbers man
When we are learning the ropes of life we all have that childhood innocence which when I witness it as an adult is a beautiful thing makes me believe again. My innocence was taken a long time ago my trusting naive little self had no idea what a sexual preditor was or what i was about to endure. I still to this day in my 30s I am yet to feel anything as intense as the fear and the complete loss of power i did as a young boy. Where were my parents you're probably asking well my father planted his seed but still to this day has never laid eyes on the tree.... My mother was young and she couldn't have stopped it or seen it. I don't blame her but she herself went through something similar so you think as young as she was would have been more aware despite her young age...
Unfortunately it's not the only thing i share in common with my mother. I grew up watching the chaos of someone battling addiction, self doubt and most of all self medicating their pain... I always promised myself I would watch and learn, be anything but a clone of my mother and be a better man than my so called father. Addiction is rampant throughout the one and only side of my family. I grew up troubled with many questions i was anxious and afraid. I eventually developed a rage and hatred of anyone who liked to exercise their dominance which is still present. As soon as i was old enough to experiment with alcohol and pot i did and found the escape hatch out of my own traumatic analytical mind...music being the 1st . I could hide in the drugs i also got off on the risks and it's because i felt like rolling the dice was somehow me conquering my everyday anxiety. I became my mothers son the day that needle entred my veins and the rush of endorphins from the meth was euphoric. I knew i was in trouble straight after it. I was like the junkie rockstars i idolized i know it sounds dumb but to me i felt like i belonged could now relate to my heros. The truth is i was immature and had no idea the can of worms that were opened that day. As an adult i now see my cries for help and what i was trying to make obvious to the outside world.
Life was great in the beginning as it always is but over time what you believe is the bottom only sinks deeper. I think the most fucked up thing though is the way us addicts can justify anything if we have to. The moral compass goes off target and eventually land the same place most things I once valued to the pawn shop or the gutter just outside it... I lived in shame regret and hated who i seen in the mirror before i touched drugs. I had no confidence because it was beaten out of me as a kid by mother. The saddest part is i am naturally charismatic and people are drawn to me but my low self esteem hasn't gone away. I have flaws like everyone else and the older ive become the more i feel ok in my own skin. One area i have never doubted myself is in the bedroom and I am confident with females. Engage a womans mind and she will do the rest. The harsh reality is sex was always a way for me to feel validated and how i based my self worth especially in my younger hormone crazy days. I am lucky enough to have felt what i would call true love only once...
It beats any one night stand and its because even as a junkie i was lucky enough to share some pretty special years with a strong powerful woman who was flawed too don't get me wrong but love knows no limitations. She owned her own house and allowed me to experience a stable home life id always yearned for growing up. I was 10 years her jnr and she was in a successful career. I was young and made mistakes just due to not being mature enough at times. I felt i was in a inferior job because i couldn't contribute the same financially. I let my own judgements get in the way. I left my job to better us and didn't realize she didn't care how much i made stupid boyish mentality. I also couldnt completely kick my drug habit i never lied to her though but it's not easy to see the person you love battle addiction she gave all she could and it wasn't fair of me to stay so we parted ways. Its been 4 years today since we parted but i still love her i miss her. I haven't found her in anyone else since and its because i loved and felt loved in turn for the first time. The thing is i learnt a lot and wont make the same mistakes in the future....
I managed to clean my act up and got clean for 6 months just last year found work again become human and was seeking hep for my issues. I was diagnosed with manic depression but always knew i didn't function like others thought i was out of the woods. 2 months ago i found myself face to face with a needle spoon and bag of drugs that wasnt planned or mine and i caved i buckled and history is repeating again same old road. The rush and any good effects have long gone but still that bond with the needle is still healthy. Recently i found myself in trouble with the law due to drugs lost my job and have lost all hope. I have spent my life surviving and have a dogged determination to not let anything beat me. Its dissappeared i don't leave my house i rarely leave my bed. My future is really bleak i have no drive no motivation and while i have experienced more painful times never one like this its like im slowly being swallowed by myself. I have many wonderful friends but i have just gone MIA I can't burden them this is and always will be my battle. Suicide has crossed my mind but i can't do it so i wont act like its an option. I feel so empty though i can't give any of myself away. I understand its self-pity regret drugs but am i alone in feeling this dejected it isn't something i planned and thought it would pass but i know mentally and physically i am at my weakest most vulnerable state. I do have music and play numerous instruments. I just wish i knew how to kickstart myself back into action i am on meds for bipolar and don't fuck around with the doses. I am sorry to whinge on a public forum but if i could do this alone i would nothing seems worth it.
When we are learning the ropes of life we all have that childhood innocence which when I witness it as an adult is a beautiful thing makes me believe again. My innocence was taken a long time ago my trusting naive little self had no idea what a sexual preditor was or what i was about to endure. I still to this day in my 30s I am yet to feel anything as intense as the fear and the complete loss of power i did as a young boy. Where were my parents you're probably asking well my father planted his seed but still to this day has never laid eyes on the tree.... My mother was young and she couldn't have stopped it or seen it. I don't blame her but she herself went through something similar so you think as young as she was would have been more aware despite her young age...
Unfortunately it's not the only thing i share in common with my mother. I grew up watching the chaos of someone battling addiction, self doubt and most of all self medicating their pain... I always promised myself I would watch and learn, be anything but a clone of my mother and be a better man than my so called father. Addiction is rampant throughout the one and only side of my family. I grew up troubled with many questions i was anxious and afraid. I eventually developed a rage and hatred of anyone who liked to exercise their dominance which is still present. As soon as i was old enough to experiment with alcohol and pot i did and found the escape hatch out of my own traumatic analytical mind...music being the 1st . I could hide in the drugs i also got off on the risks and it's because i felt like rolling the dice was somehow me conquering my everyday anxiety. I became my mothers son the day that needle entred my veins and the rush of endorphins from the meth was euphoric. I knew i was in trouble straight after it. I was like the junkie rockstars i idolized i know it sounds dumb but to me i felt like i belonged could now relate to my heros. The truth is i was immature and had no idea the can of worms that were opened that day. As an adult i now see my cries for help and what i was trying to make obvious to the outside world.
Life was great in the beginning as it always is but over time what you believe is the bottom only sinks deeper. I think the most fucked up thing though is the way us addicts can justify anything if we have to. The moral compass goes off target and eventually land the same place most things I once valued to the pawn shop or the gutter just outside it... I lived in shame regret and hated who i seen in the mirror before i touched drugs. I had no confidence because it was beaten out of me as a kid by mother. The saddest part is i am naturally charismatic and people are drawn to me but my low self esteem hasn't gone away. I have flaws like everyone else and the older ive become the more i feel ok in my own skin. One area i have never doubted myself is in the bedroom and I am confident with females. Engage a womans mind and she will do the rest. The harsh reality is sex was always a way for me to feel validated and how i based my self worth especially in my younger hormone crazy days. I am lucky enough to have felt what i would call true love only once...
It beats any one night stand and its because even as a junkie i was lucky enough to share some pretty special years with a strong powerful woman who was flawed too don't get me wrong but love knows no limitations. She owned her own house and allowed me to experience a stable home life id always yearned for growing up. I was 10 years her jnr and she was in a successful career. I was young and made mistakes just due to not being mature enough at times. I felt i was in a inferior job because i couldn't contribute the same financially. I let my own judgements get in the way. I left my job to better us and didn't realize she didn't care how much i made stupid boyish mentality. I also couldnt completely kick my drug habit i never lied to her though but it's not easy to see the person you love battle addiction she gave all she could and it wasn't fair of me to stay so we parted ways. Its been 4 years today since we parted but i still love her i miss her. I haven't found her in anyone else since and its because i loved and felt loved in turn for the first time. The thing is i learnt a lot and wont make the same mistakes in the future....
I managed to clean my act up and got clean for 6 months just last year found work again become human and was seeking hep for my issues. I was diagnosed with manic depression but always knew i didn't function like others thought i was out of the woods. 2 months ago i found myself face to face with a needle spoon and bag of drugs that wasnt planned or mine and i caved i buckled and history is repeating again same old road. The rush and any good effects have long gone but still that bond with the needle is still healthy. Recently i found myself in trouble with the law due to drugs lost my job and have lost all hope. I have spent my life surviving and have a dogged determination to not let anything beat me. Its dissappeared i don't leave my house i rarely leave my bed. My future is really bleak i have no drive no motivation and while i have experienced more painful times never one like this its like im slowly being swallowed by myself. I have many wonderful friends but i have just gone MIA I can't burden them this is and always will be my battle. Suicide has crossed my mind but i can't do it so i wont act like its an option. I feel so empty though i can't give any of myself away. I understand its self-pity regret drugs but am i alone in feeling this dejected it isn't something i planned and thought it would pass but i know mentally and physically i am at my weakest most vulnerable state. I do have music and play numerous instruments. I just wish i knew how to kickstart myself back into action i am on meds for bipolar and don't fuck around with the doses. I am sorry to whinge on a public forum but if i could do this alone i would nothing seems worth it.