Depression addiction and 10 years into what could last a lifetime

[SmashingWretzky]

This will be a long post but at least you were warned. I am hoping I can get some help and advice. I will be honest and all i ask is in return you please do the same. Apologies for any grammatical errors I'm a numbers man


When we are learning the ropes of life we all have that childhood innocence which when I witness it as an adult is a beautiful thing makes me believe again. My innocence was taken a long time ago my trusting naive little self had no idea what a sexual preditor was or what i was about to endure. I still to this day in my 30s I am yet to feel anything as intense as the fear and the complete loss of power i did as a young boy. Where were my parents you're probably asking well my father planted his seed but still to this day has never laid eyes on the tree.... My mother was young and she couldn't have stopped it or seen it. I don't blame her but she herself went through something similar so you think as young as she was would have been more aware despite her young age...


Unfortunately it's not the only thing i share in common with my mother. I grew up watching the chaos of someone battling addiction, self doubt and most of all self medicating their pain... I always promised myself I would watch and learn, be anything but a clone of my mother and be a better man than my so called father. Addiction is rampant throughout the one and only side of my family. I grew up troubled with many questions i was anxious and afraid. I eventually developed a rage and hatred of anyone who liked to exercise their dominance which is still present. As soon as i was old enough to experiment with alcohol and pot i did and found the escape hatch out of my own traumatic analytical mind...music being the 1st . I could hide in the drugs i also got off on the risks and it's because i felt like rolling the dice was somehow me conquering my everyday anxiety. I became my mothers son the day that needle entred my veins and the rush of endorphins from the meth was euphoric. I knew i was in trouble straight after it. I was like the junkie rockstars i idolized i know it sounds dumb but to me i felt like i belonged could now relate to my heros. The truth is i was immature and had no idea the can of worms that were opened that day. As an adult i now see my cries for help and what i was trying to make obvious to the outside world.


Life was great in the beginning as it always is but over time what you believe is the bottom only sinks deeper. I think the most fucked up thing though is the way us addicts can justify anything if we have to. The moral compass goes off target and eventually land the same place most things I once valued to the pawn shop or the gutter just outside it... I lived in shame regret and hated who i seen in the mirror before i touched drugs. I had no confidence because it was beaten out of me as a kid by mother. The saddest part is i am naturally charismatic and people are drawn to me but my low self esteem hasn't gone away. I have flaws like everyone else and the older ive become the more i feel ok in my own skin. One area i have never doubted myself is in the bedroom and I am confident with females. Engage a womans mind and she will do the rest. The harsh reality is sex was always a way for me to feel validated and how i based my self worth especially in my younger hormone crazy days. I am lucky enough to have felt what i would call true love only once...


It beats any one night stand and its because even as a junkie i was lucky enough to share some pretty special years with a strong powerful woman who was flawed too don't get me wrong but love knows no limitations. She owned her own house and allowed me to experience a stable home life id always yearned for growing up. I was 10 years her jnr and she was in a successful career. I was young and made mistakes just due to not being mature enough at times. I felt i was in a inferior job because i couldn't contribute the same financially. I let my own judgements get in the way. I left my job to better us and didn't realize she didn't care how much i made stupid boyish mentality. I also couldnt completely kick my drug habit i never lied to her though but it's not easy to see the person you love battle addiction she gave all she could and it wasn't fair of me to stay so we parted ways. Its been 4 years today since we parted but i still love her i miss her. I haven't found her in anyone else since and its because i loved and felt loved in turn for the first time. The thing is i learnt a lot and wont make the same mistakes in the future....


I managed to clean my act up and got clean for 6 months just last year found work again become human and was seeking hep for my issues. I was diagnosed with manic depression but always knew i didn't function like others thought i was out of the woods. 2 months ago i found myself face to face with a needle spoon and bag of drugs that wasnt planned or mine and i caved i buckled and history is repeating again same old road. The rush and any good effects have long gone but still that bond with the needle is still healthy. Recently i found myself in trouble with the law due to drugs lost my job and have lost all hope. I have spent my life surviving and have a dogged determination to not let anything beat me. Its dissappeared i don't leave my house i rarely leave my bed. My future is really bleak i have no drive no motivation and while i have experienced more painful times never one like this its like im slowly being swallowed by myself. I have many wonderful friends but i have just gone MIA I can't burden them this is and always will be my battle. Suicide has crossed my mind but i can't do it so i wont act like its an option. I feel so empty though i can't give any of myself away. I understand its self-pity regret drugs but am i alone in feeling this dejected it isn't something i planned and thought it would pass but i know mentally and physically i am at my weakest most vulnerable state. I do have music and play numerous instruments. I just wish i knew how to kickstart myself back into action i am on meds for bipolar and don't fuck around with the doses. I am sorry to whinge on a public forum but if i could do this alone i would nothing seems worth it.

 

[CloverC]

Why don?t you go back to the doctor and see about adjusting the doseage of your bi-polar meds? It?s coming across as if you could do with an adjustment.

You sound like an intelligent person, the way your post was structured and the language you chose made it very easy to read. However, there does appear to be an overwhelming sadness to the tone, something which seems out of place for someone who has a lot more to give to life.

Maybe you could reach out to one or two of your friends for a catch up? Or see if there is anywhere you can get involved with showcasing your musical instrument talent? Anything to give you a distraction from the current mood you are feeling would be beneficial, and might make you motivated to make the changes you deserve.

I hope it works out for you. Thoughts to you from England.

 

[Ohnedich1]

Hi, hope this message finds you well. My reply is longer than your post ~ and it is open and honest
I would like to share my experience - perhaps, it inspires, perhaps it makes you feel that you are not the only one in the trouble and arise any empathy here, or just treat is as a story, listening a story may distract you from pain/tension for a while.

I am 32, from China (please allow me any grammar mistakes for such along post) a country which is rather closed - even no facebook, no google, and I pay for VPN to use this forum. .

Back to 2 years ago in Berlin, I experienced the worst trip I have ever had - screamed and cried in 7 hours, and the evil that hunted me for 20 years was unlocked and discovered.

My mom was the orphan, she did not receive good education and did not know how to " love " the kid; my dad was abandoned by his dad, therefore he isolated himself and abandoned me as well , but he connected with my mom, maintained the sexual relationship, has being controlled her and relied on her.

Since I was 12, they stopped communicating with me, no hugs, and no words. When I was a kid and sick, they did not take me to hospital and let me learn to bear the pain. My depression started from the childhood, and kids in school isolated me also due to some reason. However, I was intelligent and able to perform well in school and late career .

In the past more than 17 years, I felt the deep pain and loneliness inside, given few examples, I cannot turn off the light in the evening, because the darkness makes me feel cold, extreme cold in the bone. And can only sleep average 5 hours every day, which eventually destroyed my health. The medicine from the doctors has strong sub effects and made things worse. I was blind, I don't know what the root cause of the pain is.

Regarding to my relationship, the first guy I stayed with was 30 years older than me, and the last one shared the similar life experience of forsaken. I did not know the other feelings but knew the pain was real; and I believed pain connects people, those people would understand each other better and help each other better. Once I hold the belief that "pain is real", I unconsciously addicted to the pain - in the sexual life, I enjoyed the intensive excitement of the BDSM ; in terms of life and career, I fight for many things, which brought me so called success but also ruined my career somehow later, because the I need to use extra energy to hide the inner confliction and depression, while sometimes it is quite difficult in reality and hurt people; in terms of art, I was addicted to dark brutal techno.. I wanted be raped and scratched into pieces by a certain strong dark power, meanwhile fighting with it, these makes me feel alive!

Somehow, I became a black hole, some men think it is special and sexy but all the relationships turned to be the disaster. I also tried drugs and the other extreme ways to release my evil parts (I have dark feelings as being depressed so long time and I hate even I did not know what I hate for).
Disciplines are required to be a "normal person" or "good life", but "bad person " or "shit" life allow extreme freedom , I do enjoy this freedom, and I am longing for it.
However, I have never stopped exploring what is hunting me, why it is painful and finally realized the family issue was the root cause in the bad trip. I was happy to find the problem, and put efforts to be positive ? in order to hide or forget it.
However, I cannot forget it, it is still there, which made me crazy and back to depression again, then I stopped, made a pause.
What you talked and what I talked are facts. When I am narrating, I don't have emotions now.
Because in this pause of the life, I stopped asking why, but to separate emotions with logic thinking, and learn to manage my emotions:

I thought the past or someone (my parents) made me feel as of today and shaped my current life . By this logic, the only way I can change my feelings and life NOW is to wish those things and people were never happened or appeared in my life.
Believing the past causes my todays situation means that no one would ever be able to move forward or to change, because, they have already appeared in my life and no one can change the past.

I am largely responsible for the way I feel and act.

It is challenge, because the personal tragedy is there (we don't judge whether a sexual predator brings more pain than the parents who abandoned their kids, if we feel pain and then there is trouble) however, if I continuously think according to the logic mentioned above, I will be forever stuck in it.

When you open a door in the room, found a big snake, what will you do?
Perhaps get scared and stand there, then get attacked by the snake; perhaps try the best to fight with the snake and kill it, or perhaps just close the door and leave it there.
I tried to fight and kill, but there might be another snake in another room, the devil sent them to me, I was exhausted, and this "ready to fight" confliction easily hurts people surrounding me. (I had my a tattoo after the bad trip, which was "exorcist", aimed to kill the evils in my life)
I tried to forget them but failed, so the fear and worries are there.
Now I am getting along with the evils.
If I have dark side, it is fine, I stay with people who also had hard life BUT NOW hold the positive thinking, whom I called "evil experts". We are able to manage the problems and manage the emotions through mutual help, logical thinking but could also release the dark sides together freely if we need to.
I won't hide them. I now have a new tattoo, which is my name, it means the family who gave this name to me will be with me, it does notmatter what kind of disaster this family brought to me, I can close the door.

Another experience I may share is, I finally now enjoy the emptiness.
One day I laid on the grass thought nothing, and then I smelled the grass. Suddenly I realized the grass, the trees, the wind? they are existing without meanings, humans offer the meanings to them, but they are just there, be energetic and die, life or death are so normal for them, I could also live in that way.
It does not mean, I am now getting out of this society, but Ido relax and gain more power from the nature in the frequent mindfulness moment sin my daily life.

Hard life hurts, depression may come back because the past pain is there, and occasionally I also question myself. However, I would re-think that wrong logic again and again, and move forward.
I feel lucky that, I met few people in the past 2 years, helped me to reveal the issues and accompanied with me, but I am the only one who can manage it in my own way. It seems like I fought alone for a long time and those people suddenly came out from all over the world to help me. I believe people connect people, because we are strong enough to move on, to explore ourselves, it is an exploration journey which contains both good trip and bad trip. Today I see you are sharing and seeking for advice, therefore I believe you are not giving up, you are still in the exploration journey. In this journey, you will not be alone. Don't question how long it takes, I slept for almost 20 years and now I am awakening. Do it.

Self - exploration is important, but based on my own experience, thinking too much and indulged in this exploration may like sitting in a spaceship alone and fly into even darker black hole. I travel more, get in touch with more people, learn how to love, gain the wisdom, and encourage each other, see how the society and world is, engaged more with external world also help me to be more positive.

Last but not least, behaviors changes peoples mindset. I did a weekly "sharing smile" meeting with affixed person, by telling each other what made me smiled last week. It sounds weird and maybe difficult in the beginning, when I thought my life was totally shit. But then I realized it could be so easy and important. If it is necessary, we can do this also.

 

[glovedeath]

Hey guys,

So, check this out. I met a very bright, very charismatic, very emotionally intelligent dude at the prison where I work, about 3.5 years ago. I'd gotten to know him rather well as I was in his housing unit for nearly a year. He was an amazing artist (on many levels), and just such an easy going and mellow guy. After getting to know him a good bit and conversing on night shifts for hours on end at times, I asked him what his charges were, as I just couldn't imagine it was anything heinous in nature. Seemed like a very good guy to me. He frankly explained to me that his upbringing was rather chaotic (aren't all of ours? BUT(!) his younger years were pretty exceptionally dark, that's no lie), and that, early on he began to turn to drugs to mitigate the problems he faced in his life. He'd been in and out of jail for some 10 years and told me that, "man, I try to do good when I'm out, it's just...I've got a serious meth addiction problem. Every time I get out and things start getting hard, it's just so easy to turn back to what numbs the pain and picks me up because, I'm a felon and on probation, and therefore I can't leave the state, and get away from my life and the people I know here." He went on to explain to me that with so many of the people he knew, also addicts, it was hard to not even be around ppl who were using, even if he was trying to "fly right."

Over 10 to 11 months, we'd developed quite the "acquaintanceship." When he got out of prison, I shook his hand, wished him well, and gave him some words of what I figured were good advice, and told him, "maybe I'll see you around." Well, about 2 years later I was in the city and I noticed him from afar. I bee-lined to him and it seemed we were both pleasantly surprised at this chance meeting. Something looked and seemed different about him, and it was one of the first things I'd remarked on when we began talking. I asked him how he was doing and he told me that he was doing great. I made a joke about not having seen him at the prison in over 2 years, and that I figured he'd been doing well. I told him that he seemed different, and healthier, in more ways than one. That's when he told me he WAS. He asked me if I'd ever heard of DMT and I told him that it was a strange coincidence for him to ask that because just weeks prior, I'd heard for the first time of Ayahuasca, and began researching it, among a number of other such things, as I was looking for a way to manage my own "issues." I told him that I had, and asked him if he'd had any experiences with it. He told me that 2 months after he'd gotten out of jail, as he told a good buddy of his that he wasn't sure if he could stay clean much longer, his buddy introduced him to DMT. He then told me something that at first, I thought sounded rather bunk, but now I totally believe it. He said to me that he had three 20 minute DMT trips and that even after the 1st one, the desire for meth, or any other "drugs" was almost completely obliterated. He talked of ego death, and told me in depth about his experiences saying that his DMT trips went to show him the darkness of his ways with these harmful substances, and revealed a path of 'light' to him which he now calls "The Truth." Anyways -- I'm definitely not advocating this to you guys, BUT(!) do some research about these things and their abilities to treat drug addictions, along with Ibogaine. Dennis Mckenna and Joe Rogan talk of that on one of his podcasts. Very interesting and very intriguing.

Nevertheless, I wish you both well, and that these substances no longer have control over you, but you them. There was a book written by Viktor Frankl, a concentration camp survivor, called "Man's Search for Meaning." In it he states that, if you can find a what or a who to live for, you can almost certainly find a why. Best of luck to you guys. Be well.

 

[glovedeath]

And Ohnedich, ich hoffe dir geht's auch gut! Ein leben mit Drogen, ist oft ein Leben ohne Verbindung (connection). Eine Verbindung an anderen, an Natur, und an dich selbst. Wenn du mal diese Verbingung verbesserst, und aufbaust, kann's gut sein dass das Leben dann wieder einen Sinn hat. Schau malauf YouTube ein Video uber Abhaengigkeit -- er heisst: Addiction by Kurzgesagt.

Sei gut mein Freund, und weiss doch dass es ein Ende gibt, und du bist beliebt, und nicht alein.

Pass gut auf dich auf!

 

[Ohnedich1]

Thanks and wish you all have some smiles

 

[Ohnedich1]

Glovedeath, i watched the video , appreciate the recommendation and all the sharing here also helps to break the lonely cage thanks

 

[glovedeath]

Hey Ohnedich,

Yeah man, most certainly. I guess I should've provided you some other vids to check out as well. So many of 'em out there. If you're interested in something which may be paradigm shattering (and I'm not talking about a physical substance), check out some of the clips on YTube of Terence Mckenna. This guy was an enigma. An absolute genius of sorts, and such a fascinating individual to listen to. There are a few videos which I find may provide some (in your situation), much needed food for thought. Mckenna once said that he feels that mental illness is for many, simply when they are at odds with their environment. I read an article some time ago about toxic relationships. Wish I could find that, but the basic premise was that if the people in your life don't support you (positively), don't encourage you, don't have your best interests in mind, then, EVEN if it's family, then seal that relationship completely (at least for a time), and do not allow their negativity or toxicity into your life. I mean really, what good are friends and family if they don't you with dignity and respect. No one wants to be disrespected, just like no one wants to be alone. Connection is what we seek in life. Unless you're a complete sociopath, connection is the very need of us all. A human need. And that's really what we desire of life. Desire to be connected; to feel relevant; to feel involved in the events and goings-on around us. Without that, there is solitude, and along with that comes misery and despair. After only 4 years of working in prison, I can attest to that. Loneliness with kill the heart and murder out the soul. In that case, we have to look to "find the others." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrcPOvHW2xs

Another one -- a compilation someone's made and put some background music to. Just amazing (in my opinion, that is). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efHisXGsi08&t=1821s

I moved from Europe back to America in 2013, after 10 years abroad. After the novelty of being 'home' wore away, I was left with the mundane and ordinary boring superficiality of the American way of life -- consumerism. Very difficult after about 4-5 months of being back. After so many years of such amazing connection with people, and SO MANY social situations in which you could truly share your mind with others (nothing was too taboo to discuss), and the maturity of the people...gees. I had a VERY hard time. Anyhow, I told my best buddy from this (he's from Portugal). I was explaining to him how disheartening it was being back, not being able to share things and talk with people openly much at all, and just made it clear that I was upset about not being able to really talk to people. He said to me: "I gave up on trying to share extraordinary things with ordinary people a long time ago." Sounds really very clever, but didn't help my situation, lol.

I'm really probably not in the right frame of mind t be writing anything (9hrs sleep over 3 days), and I really need to try to get some f-in sleep. I just wanted to tell you dude (dudette), feel free to share anything and everything with me. My life is an open book, and nothing is too taboo or shocking to be discussed. What people need is others who will listen, and not judge. That's something I can RARELY find these days in the states. I'm doing whatever I can to get back to Europe within the next year. Anyhow -- you be well, and just remember, one. minute. at. a. time.

One of the best books (or writings) on trauma EVER -- The Body Keeps the Score. Check that out! If you're interested, PM me.

Be well & know that, with perhaps all of your doubt, you are nevertheless, loved!

 

[Ohnedich1]

Do u feel better now ?

Hi, do u feel better now ?

 

[Ohnedich1]

Hi Glovedeath,
Thanks for the sharing.
And I definitely agree with you that , don?t let the negative people / things surrounding me , even including the family - however, I somehow still feel guilty , that I have not seen my father for a long time and have not talked with him , no matter what he did , he is a lonely old man now. He may need a doctor for mental illness, but unfortunately he did not have that , I don?t blame on him now , it is quite complicated mixed feeling now as I grow up . It is weird , i don?t love him but I don?t wanna him dies alone ..... sorry I am typing in a mess ....
Good day ! And again thanks for the sharing
I will try to find how to PM you. Take it easy in American life

 

[glovedeath]

So, I think what you?re feeling is understandable. I don?t know of the history of you and your father, but if it?s anything like the majority of people I know in America, it may not be all that grand. Anyhow, it?s noble of you to care for your fathers well being. Could you answer as to why you feel guilty? Is it because you?re dealing with your own problems and aren?t able to help him, or something else entirely?

 

[mindinjector69]

Hello...I have been searching for this ideaology all my life...would definitely like to chat with you more...and how I have always felt drawn to leave the States to travel abroad...I'm new to BL so Idk how this all works but hope to talk!