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    unsure 
    #1
    hey all. haven't logged on here in ages. in a pickle somewhat and needed to get feedback/vent about it. I apologize if this is dark side material also, unsure which it would fit better.

    EDIT: Let me state the direction of the post more clearly. I believe i may need to get back on benzodiazepines, that i may have developed a "disorder" through abuse when younger.

    Been struggling the last year. It has gotten to the point where it causes me to not leave my house. I get physical affects from trying to cope with my nerves in public. I had been trying to manage my anxiety without medications, and it has kinda splintered my life away. I wasn't on benzo's for legitimate reasons as a kid(18-27). I just lied to the doctors said i would bring a note back from a psych that didn't exist. Shot myself in the foot right there, i know.Convinced myself the high dose benzo's were the problem i got on a taper plan last october, got clean. That was all swell, i did it with the help of a detox dr(that system is something else, but that's for another thread..). Went from there the all natural route, weed and kratom. THC started to even affect me negatively, i would just sit around and smoke a check away like its nothing. I am now realizing that THC and I just argent compatible like that, and that's cool with me. i mean i am 29 now, its time to step up.. But i still need to be functional to make a living in this world, you know. I recently got laid off my job doing an apprenticeship as an electrician. I was battling that anxiety every day, needless to say, I wasn't winning the battle. Never even late, never missed a day, but they could tell i had been perturbed by something. Since i got off it has been very noticeable when i get frazzed. Its to the point where i dont care if they have to put me back on a anxiolytic, but i wish to take advantage of therapy options primarily.. Trying not to be too down about my circumstances. Anyone had any similar experiences? Thanks for listening.
    Last edited by Ansem; 09-07-2018 at 23:37.
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    #2
    There have been times in which my (huge) anxiety also caused me to not leave my house, I was "scared", but it was something different, which you would probably share. And at that time I didn't take any medications but I smoke weed and I can say weed worsen my anxiety so much, I don't think smoking weed will do you any good as far as your anxiety is concerned (Cannabidiol - CBD may have some nice effects, but not THC), take a look at these articles on the matter:

    https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article...or-some-people

    https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/causes/marijuana

    https://hightimes.com/health/cbd/can...two-spectrums/

    https://www.leafly.com/news/health/c...eating-anxiety

    And then you mentioned after editing that you believe you need to go back on benzodiazepines... Well, you know they're ideally used only in the short-term to treat anxiety, actually they do not treat anxiety, they just make the symptoms go away for some hours and that's it... In order to treat your anxiety in the middle to the long term you would be better on other medications which treat anxiety and not only makes it go away for a couple of hours (and these meds are not addictive), here are my suggestions:

    - SSRIs (Sertraline, Fluoxetine, Paroxetine, Fluvoxamine, Citalopram, Escitalopram etc.)
    - SNRIs (Desvenlafaxine, Duloxetine)
    - Buspirone (an anxiolytic drug which is not a benzodiazepine and helps to TREAT anxiety)
    - Antipsychotics (such as Quetiapine or Aripiprazole)

    The first time I took a medicine to treat anxiety was Sertraline, after 1 month or a bit more my anxiety was totally gone, like magic really, I was very surprised, it's nothing like a benzo, but you feel this "inner peace" from the inside... (you have to bear in mind though that the effects of these drugs will only be felt after around 1 month of usage)

    But then I stopped taking it and my anxiety came back, at that time I was prescribed Quetiapine together with Sertraline and I can say, (only) from my own experience, that I find antipsychotics (Quetiapine in my case) are the most effective medications to treat anxiety (and other disorders, which is why I was also prescribed Quetiapine). There is this stigma and reluctance from people towards antipsychotics and I confess that, at the beginning I did not want to take it at all, I think the name "antipsychotic" does not sound well to people, because they think these kind of meds are only for schizophrenia or psychotic illnesses, which is not the case. After months being reluctant to take Quetiapine I realised it was the best choice for me, again, experiencing the effects on and off it.

    Well, I think I wrote too much, but I hope it helps you!!
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    #3
    You definitely did not write too much, i get the points you were making. I am even receptive to them. Thank you for the feedback. I went on Prozac initially when i tapered off, and that gave me some "wind in my sails" so to speak, something stopped working at some point though. But i did resume weed smoking around that time too.

    EDIT: Have been off weed for a week or so already, which is unlike me. I used to be highly habituated(no intended color in that statement, if you smoke). I am glad you mentioned CBD, as i have felt some relief from that. Dont see myself wanting to smoke again any time soon. I quit the way i wanted to. This being clammed up feeling cannot persist though, its causing more damage to my psyche to know i could be doing more but put myself at risk in these situations for having a breakdown. If that makes sense. I need to get working again and even if i just need to be on for 2-4 weeks to 'break the ice', until a TCA or another medication can take hold and putting myself in social settings again. I will be out of a living place in a month or two if i cant.

    I was a mess when i was younger. Trying to block out childhood traumas and with drugs is not how i seek to live life, but at some point doesn't there need to be a middle ground so you can begin to try and 'recover' from them? I kind of am getting the idea that i have ptsd after all the shit ive been through(half caused by myself)..this all was spurred by an acid trip that had been stronger than any prior trips besides DMT. Its like it told me i wasnt truly living happy trying to just white knuckle through this shit. That everything does not need to be so hard, and that continued effort will set the course.

    Thanks for the advice. Its like i have changed so much from not giving a shit about a damn thing, but im still playing captive. That needs to change.
    Last edited by Ansem; 10-07-2018 at 16:09.
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    #4
    I share many things with you, I'm 32 now and I also used to be a mess when I was on my early twenties, using acid, ecstasy and weed on a regular basis. I think I was also trying to block out childhood traumas because I suffered so much bullying at school, for being a homossexual... It was terrible... About the "acid trip that had been stronger", I also have a similar experience, but I don't know if what I took was acid or something else, but I had such a bad trip... Strongly bad... I think that's what disturbed my mental health (I think weed also contributed to that).

    As I told you, medication is very useful and effective for me and I attribute the most successful medication to be Quetiapine (an antipsychotic)... Well, actually the combo I take is what makes me stable, anxiety-free, not depressed, not agitated (racing thoughts, for ex)... Although I had a nasty side-effect of Quetiapine, which is weight gain (I gained 30kg), the pros outlined the cons and I stopped gaining weight at sometime during my treatment with Quetiapine (I've been taking it for about 5 years) - and now I'm trying to loose weight with a balanced diet...

    What also helps me a lot is therapy, I've been seeing my therapist for over 15 years, I think she knows more about myself than I do! LOL It's great to have a neutral and non-judgmental space to talk about your life issues, I'd highly reccomend that to you, just try it for a month and you'll see - but, finding a therapist that "connects" to you is not easy, you might have to try seeing some therapists before finding the one which makes you feel comfortable.

    Keep fighting: see a psychiatrist at least once a month and a therapist once a week! Then take your meds and wait for things to become more bearable and even more positive!!
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    #5
    Thank you crubsc for the informative posts and kind words. I finally got a call today from the clinic to come early for the physical. Tomorrow morning in fact. I was scheduled to have to wait til the 24th.

    With my financial situation in mind the early appointment alone is good news. I do plan to keep fighting as I have acted out due to this for far long. I dont know how I'm still alive to be honest.

    Things happen for a reason, whether we know it at that moment or not.
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    #6
    I'm happy you'll be able to get some medical care!! And you're totally right: things happen for a reason, we may not understand things at one moment, but later on we can see it was all for our best.

    Please share your experience after seeing the doctor!

    All the best!!
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    #7
    Thanks crubsc. I ended up being right about PTSD, this therapist seems very understanding but i can tell they did "label" me as an addict. They dont want to get me back on klons, which i completely understand. I am on zoloft 25mg so far, which isnt doing jack shit but a placebo affect so far, but im happy i am being heard and playing by the rules. I am going to do therapy every 2 weeks. Probly get a increased dose when i go back, i want to atleast give it a real shot. Too many times have I(as well as witnessed others) shot down treatments because it isnt the "one that sounds good".
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    #8
    Hey Ansem! I'm happy you are willing to "play by the rules" and follow a treatment. I also have sometimes a bit of a problem to "play by the rules", but it's the right thing to do, the pros outweight the cons, that's clear to me! Having the feeling that you're being heard will also contribute to an improvement for you, you'll see. I have already been on Zoloft, 25mg is a dose to start the treatment, an usual maintenance dose normally ranges from 50-200mg, I was on 50mg and it was good for me, you don't feel now it's doing something for you because, as you might have researched, it takes around 3-4 weeks for its effects to start "showing up", I had a very good experience with Zoloft, it killed my anxiety and I recovered from my depression at the time. I'm now on Wellbutrin (among other meds) and it's also good for me. Let's keep in touch, send me a message if you want, that way we can talk more about our experiences, treatment etc.
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