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Thread: How to move on after ex passes away?

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    How to move on after ex passes away? 
    #1
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    llama112's Avatar
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    All in all, my ex passed away, we split up a year ago but it was a serious long term relationship. I dated twice since then and my ex and I were best friends. He knew everything about me and vice versa.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to date after this. I am constantly depressed, I miss him all the time, I mean he was like family really, I cared more about him than my my immediate family. It wasn't romantic and sexual at all and the guys I saw never got jealous or had any reason to.

    It's too hard to just exist without him around. It's like a piece of me is gone. Every day I want to tell him things or ask him for advice or tell him what fucked up thing I did that day or anything but I can't.

    IDK even I don't know if this should go in this forum or another. I just don't know how to keep going in life without my best friend / the most important person in my life.
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    #2
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    Did he die?

    Sorry it's a bit confusing as you mentioned you dated twice after your break up.

    I think you should just take each day as it comes and take a break for now from getting into another serious relationship.

    Time heals.

    Hope it all works out.
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    #3
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    Yes. We split up. I dated twice. And then he died.
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    Bluelighter shadybraindamage's Avatar
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    He was the only person you knew? you could try by smokin weed or whatever opiate you feel comfortable ~I don't encourage you to something you don't want to, don't feel obligated~ I remember after my little girl ( daughter) died.. drugs we're the only light that kept me going on road and ease my pain, though there are others stuff like hobbies/activities. Life goes on with or without you, memorize this. Have you talked to a friend? Or you just don't trust no one to talk bout things that bothers you. There is another way, if you have a picture with/or him, write something on the back and then forget him ~dead with the dead, living with the living, the childrens with their father, grankids with their grandparents~, I know you have a lot of rocks gathered at one place on heart/soul but you have to free yourself in a manner.
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    Bluelighter SamanthaB's Avatar
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    Hi llama -

    I am sorry you are going through such an awful time and feel so rotten. Not a good place to be losing someone.

    I picked up that you don't really know why you guys split up and that might have something to do with why it is hard for you to move on, particularly since you now cannot ask him because of his death. Is that correct? If so, maybe you could tell us why you think the relationship broke up when it did.
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    #6
    Bluelighter w01fg4ng's Avatar
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    That's gotta be difficult to digest.

    I once wrote a eulogy and found it helpful to write it as well as read it out loud. Anything that will allow you to accept the loss might be worth trying.
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    #7
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    I'm so sorry you're going through that.

    Sigh.

    It's hard but you never quite "move on". You never quite "stop missing" or "stop thinking about them". You will always miss them, love them, think about it, wish they were here....

    It's more of a matter of accepting it. And being OK. Learning how to cope with the loss the best way you can.

    I lost my little sister 7 years ago... and I'm still tearing up as I type this post. I still cry. I still can feel how her little body felt against me when we hugged. I still remember sobbing to her when my mother ripped me a new one when I broke curfew. I still wonder how different my life would be... and how much of a better person I'd probably be if she was still alive...

    But I'm OK now. I'm OK.
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    #8
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    the emotion doesn't get less but the whole getting overwhelmed which comes on in waves decreases in frequency

    the waves get less often and less intense but every now and then even years later come back, u just gotta realise emotions are waves to be ridden and that they come and go and come again and if someone else dies it will trigger the same feelings

    sounds bad but i found getting pissed and crying worked quite well as a release

    you have to let it out at the time for one, and also you need to not expect it to improve by any given point, just give yourself time
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    #9
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    We separated because he cheated. Oh I was mad at him for a while. But then I forgave him but we just didn't get back together because I wasn't going back to someone who cheated on me. That being said, that doesn't mean we can't be friends. So we were. We were so close.
    I'm also not using opiates because he was a heroin addict and fent killed him. No way am I getting involved with opiates. Plus I have a benzo problem anyway.
    I do know other people. I'm a fairly well known person in my community but no relationship or friendship comes close to the one I had with him.
    I've talked to lots of people but a lot of people don't understand and now it's been a few months and people think I should be over it I guess. I'm not clearly. Very few people understand how it takes so long. And that I just feel alone even though I know I have support from people but it's not the same. It doesn't really make me feel that much better.

    I cry every day. I get mad every day. IDK.
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    #10
    Bluelighter SamanthaB's Avatar
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    Hi Again llama,

    You sound just miserable. I am so sorry about that. I would not wish the grieving process on my worse enemy!

    Can I ask you something? Do you feel guilty about the fact that he OD'd on Fentanyl? Or, that perhaps he OD'd because you would not take him back? Just fishing for why, outside of the fact that you cared for him and he is now decreased, that you are having an extremely hard time getting through this.

    I am not sure if this will help you, but grieving is a process and it takes time, and there is no timetable to get through it. You just have to cry whenever and feel lousy also whenever and try and talk this through with a good friend(s) or a therapist. If you allow yourself to feel whatever you feel when you feel it, you will make it through this much more quickly than if you don't allow yourself to do that. It appears you are doing the latter. So, that is good, even though I am sure it does not feel that way.
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    #11
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    I don't feel like it was my fault. I was there for him no matter what. Sometimes it was tough love but it was the same the other way. I was there for him more than anyone was and I know this in my heart and technically ANYONE could have done more but we all have our own lives to focus on too of course that's just how life goes. But I put my startup on hold to help him through some things he was having troubles with. And he wasn't really finding a real purpose in life so, because we are both computer geeks, I gave him some work so that he could feel accomplished when he did small tasks and he did for a bit. It wasn't like I was just asking him to do mindless tasks or free tasks. Even though we were separated we never counted money or anything between us and we helped each other with everything we could. I probably owe him so much.
    I feel like I've gone through all the therapists in the city within the past six years. No one good out htere anymore. And no good friends. Tasks just keep lining up and up and I never get to feel but I feel all the time and I don't understand. I don't know when I'm suppose to get over this. Life just sucks.
    I don't care about many people. I just don't. I also don't allow myself to. My grandparents have passed away but I did not feel anything. I also don't miss people. I have only ever missed or felt anything for him. Okay that's a bit of a lie because when my ex's work pemit expired and he was sent to his home country I felt a lot but I didn't know him that long but at least I had a feeling of something.
    Last edited by llama112; 10-07-2018 at 16:00.
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    #12
    Bluelighter SamanthaB's Avatar
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    Hi llama,

    You mentioned that you had a benzo problem. How do you think your issue with this factors into your problems with your complex grieving reaction?

    You said that you have gone through all the therapists in your town in the last 6 years. Who have you seen and why do you feel that none of those people helped you with your problems? And, have you seen any mental health professional(s) since your ex died?
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    #13
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    I staarted to reply to this and didn't finish it so I will now.

    Quote Originally Posted by SamanthaB View Post
    Hi llama,

    You mentioned that you had a benzo problem. How do you think your issue with this factors into your problems with your complex grieving reaction?
    I'm not really sure about that since I've been on benzos for so long it just seems normal.

    Quote Originally Posted by SamanthaB View Post
    You said that you have gone through all the therapists in your town in the last 6 years. Who have you seen and why do you feel that none of those people helped you with your problems?
    I feel like some have helped with the problems I was going through at the time. But like none of those problems compare to what I'm going through now. And meeting a new person, it's gonna take os many sessions to get up to date with my crazy life. Plus I never know whether I can talk about subtances or not (it's great if I can but a lot of the time I can't). Some have helped for sure with anxiety and depression and possibly BPD. But right now that's not the issue so much. Maybe BPD anger and BPD depression but not as much th enormal things. It's grief. It's how do I live my life? How do I get back to normal? How do I stop being probably an addict and just exist doing normal things? I'm not sure if that makes sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by SamanthaB View Post
    And, have you seen any mental health professional(s) since your ex died?
    Yes, I have. I Skyped with the best therapist i had but she doesn't have her licence for my province since she moved to another province. I have seen two others who I didn't click with. I'm willing to pay money to get private therapy too but I don't know how to find anything. I went to mental health emerg and all they did was say stop smoking weed (I sincce it' going to be legal soon I said I smoked once a month and that was hteir solution for all my problems..... yeah kinda messed up).
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    #14
    Bluelighter SamanthaB's Avatar
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    Dear llama,

    Glad you came back to answer my questions.

    In my humble opinion, I think you need to go back and see one of the therapists who have helped you in the past with other issues that you were happy with. That helps in at least two ways, no need to have to spend a lot of time rehashing a lot of old stuff, unless you need to do that or the therapy gets into those things again AND you already know that you clicked with those therapists earlier and they helped you, which is VERY important. I would make an appointment to see the one that you feel helped you the most.

    As far as whether a therapist can handle hearing what you want to talk about, I would say most therapists are trained to handle almost anything, and if you really want to discuss the loss of your ex as well as drug issues with them be up front and ask in your first meeting if the two of you can do that in your sessions because that is what you need help with. The therapist should be able to tell you whether they can do that with you, and if not, you can move on to another therapist you liked and helped you before. I would be pretty shocked if any of the therapists you saw previously that helped you with some of your other issues said they could not help you with what you want to deal with now. One caveat to the foregoing, if you have a serious substance abuse issue (and I don't mean someone who takes a benzo daily or smokes a joint now and then), the therapy will not do you much good unless you get into a program to deal with that issue first. Otherwise, the therapist will be talking to the drug and not you and the real you will not be fully engaged in the sessions. If you get into a program, you will get some therapy there and can then move into individual therapy when you are finished with that. If you are not sure you need treatment for your benzo use, go and get evaluated by a substance abuse program to find that out first.

    Therapy often does not move in a linear fashion, so it would be highly unlikely that even if you went in to talk about these two issues that new and old issues would not come up. In addition, be prepared to stay put with whomever you choose to see until you feel like you have resolved what you came into therapy for, unless there is a VERY compelling reason to make a switch. It is perfectly normal to not want to stay the course and you will often want to leave. But, that is part of being in therapy. Just come to each session and talk about whatever is on your mind at the time, because it will be relevant. Even if it is uncomfortable to do that, talk about wanting to talk and it being uncomfortable or feeling like you want to leave, if that is what you are thinking.

    I hope you reach out again with one of the old therapists. Please get back and let us know what happens.
    Last edited by SamanthaB; 20-07-2018 at 02:20. Reason: Added more information and edited
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