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    Breaking the cycle of addiction (mainly opiods, alcohol and benzos) 
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    Bluelighter Kallisti23's Avatar
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    Usage and recovery report 2018


    There is a lot of writing, a lot of it probably unnecessary. I?m mainly doing it for myself so no need to read through all of it. I believe my addiction is largely psychological in nature due to some of the low doses being used, but also partly physical. I haven't started the process of quitting yet but have vowed to do so at the start of next week. Silly reason, but a friend is having a big birthday bash on the weekend, so I figure there?s no point before then. If anyone has any tips or advice for breaking the psychological aspect of addiction it would be appreciated.

    I think a large part of my use stems from me being unhappy with the mundane nature of the world as it is, a longing for something more, boredom, and also trauma to do with the suicide of my younger sister. I tried to chart my usage over the last few weeks just to get a clear view of it. I attached it bellow for anyone interested. I thought that making quitting into a creative project through writing might help which is why I am starting this.

    Any comments welcome.

    Short summary:
    I have been a daily opioid user, mainly in the form of Kratom and Codeine (but also occasionally heavier opiates) consistently for about 5 - 6 months, but on and off for about 5 years. I have also been addicted to Ketamine and Benzodiazepines in the past. Ketamine I used near daily for almost 2 years back in 2013 - 2015, both snorted and IM. Benzo's I quit after roughly a year long addiction this March, but have used them a few times sporadically since, and a lot more in the past 3 weeks. My other love has been psychedelics, which I see as substances with positive benefits. I have also been using these a lot over the last 4 years too but won't be talking about them here as I don't view them as being a part of my addiction. But my usage of downers has certainly negatively impacted what I can get out of psychedelics.




    Long Background:

    I am about to cut out all heavy narcotics, primarily opiates and benzodiazepines from my life, and felt that writing through it might help. Although I am not a particularly heavy user as can be seen by the usage chart below detailing my daily regimen for the past 3 weeks, I have been a habitual drug user and drinker for the past 4 years. Since my younger sister died of suicide in 2014 I don't think I have had more than at most one or two completely sober days. What I usually tend to count as a 'sober day' is a day where I only smoke cannabis. I haven't been heavily addicted to one substance the entire time but have alternated between various ones.

    I spent almost two years using ketamine daily. I have been on and off codeine and other opiates for the entire time, not always using daily but cycling between daily use, quitting, using occasionally, and then using daily again. Had periods of near daily binge drinking. I also started using benzodiazepines occasionally after my sister died and fell in love with them. As a person already suffering from anxiety and going through grief their brain numbing, no-care, thought-negating effects where exactly what I was looking for. I didn't have easy access to them at the time, so my use was by default limited, even though I would use as often as I could. It was not until 2016 that I started using them far more regularly.
    I left my job and went on a 3 month holiday to Thailand and Cambodia, partly to sort my head out and get away from my ketamine use which had been pretty heavy up to that point. It wasn't too long before I discovered the small family run pharmacies over there that would sell you Valium and tramadol without a script. At first, I didn't use it daily, but I started using it more and more anytime I travelled to a new place or had a moderately bad hangover, or just felt like a having a chill day. I was using Valium more than tramadol as I'm not too fond of it?s strange SSRI effects, although admittedly Valium negates that quite nicely.
    By the time I got to Cambodia I was taking Valium almost every day, and when I discovered the drug-pusher chemists over there I added morphine to the mix.
    When I got home I happened to get in contact with an old acquaintance of mine who just also happened to sell diazepam and alprazolam, often for a very cheap price. Essentially from there on I was addicted to benzodiazepines, I would take a one or two day break here and there convincing myself that because I could do that I wasn't addicted. But of course, the whole time I wasn't taking it was spent anticipating taking it. I wasn't taking a steady dose, it could vary from anything as low as 2.5mg diazepam up to 3mg alprazolam in a day. I had the occasional enforced break of a week or two here and there due to supply being cut, which I would fill by drinking and taking codeine.

    This carried on for about a year until I started my first term of university last September (I'm going back as a mature student). I quit and relapsed several times throughout the first term and was in pretty much a constant state of withdrawal or use. I luckily somehow made it through with very good grades anyway. I finally quit benzodiazepines proper in March. I tapered myself down to 2.5mg diazepam a day until my supply ran out, and then in a very stupid move which actually somehow worked I smoked low doses of heroin to get through the acute withdrawals. As idiotic as this sounds it got me through the first two weeks which were the worst and I didn't end up continuing to use H, although I have used it a few more times sporadically since then. I have been using opioids consistently since then though, but mainly kratom and codeine which I would argue are less detrimental than heroin. Getting off benzodiazepines was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be from reading online. This could be due to me tapering down to using very low doses for the last month or so before it, but the acute symptoms (restless legs, bad sleep, anxiety, weird electrical sensations, sweating etc) only lasted about 2 weeks for me and not the fabled 3 months to a year some people talk about. Sure, there were residual effects for longer than that but nothing too bad. I'm sure this was greatly helped by my opioid use, which is obviously not a good way to go about it - swapping one addiction for another.

    Since then I have had 4 - 5 sporadic high dose benzo binges. My very bad logic, that has worked to an extent, is that if I take all that I have in the space of a few days they won't be lying around to tempt me to take a little dose here and there. After around a month of not using benzos I have been binging a bit in the last 3 weeks as you can see below.

    Alcohol dosage terms explained:
    Low: 1 to 3 beers (or equivalent)
    Moderate: 3 to 5 beers
    High: 6+ beers
    * The figures in the brackets indicate how the doses are split throughout the day.

    Usage Chart:

    I am a daily cannabis smoker so have not included that in the usage chart as it can be assumed to have been smoked throughout each day.

    Tuesday 19/6: Codeine x 2 (50mg / 60mg), ketamine 70mg
    Wednesday: Kratom x 2 (5g / 7g), wine (low)
    Thursday: Kratom x 2 (3g / 4g), ketamine 30mg
    Friday: Kratom x 2 (3g / 4g), alprazolam 2mg (1 / 1), wine (low)
    Saturday: Kratom x 2 (4g / 4g), alprazolam 2.5mg (1.5 / 1), beer and rum (low moderate)
    Sunday: Kratom x 2 (4g / 4g), beer (moderate)

    25/7: I have no record of this next week as I stopped keeping one and it got a bit hazy, but I was taking roughly 12 - 15g Kratom split over 3 doses a day, drinking moderately to heavily every day, and took 5mg of alprazolam split over 2 or 3 of those days.

    Tuesday 3/7: Kratom x 3 (3,4,6g), alprazolam 2.5mg (2/0.5), 5mg(?) 2cb
    Wednesday: LSD microdose (6ug), Kratom x 3 (4,4,6), wine (heavy)
    Thursday: Kratom x 3 (3,4,6g), alprazolam 4mg (2/1/1), Beer (?)
    Friday: Kratom x 3 (4,4,6g) 3.5mg alprazolam (1.5/0.5/1), rum / beer (moderate?)
    Saturday: Katom x 3 (4,4,6g), LSD microdose (12ug), 0.5mg alprazolam, beer (moderate)
    Sunday: Kratom x 3 (4,4,4g), port wine (3/4 bottle)

    Monday 2/7: Kratom x 3 (4/5/6g), diazepam 50mg (30/5/5/10), beer (moderate)
    Tuesday: Kratom x 3 (3,5,6g), diazepam 30mg (15/15)
    Wednesday: Kratom x 3 (4/5/6g), beer (high)
    Thursday: Kratom (3/3/6), diazepam 35mg (30/5), beer (low)
    Friday: Kratom (3/3/6), Codeine (75 / 120mg), beer (Moderate)
    Saturday / Sunday: Kratom (3/3/3/4), 28 – 32mg 2cb (2 dabs aprox 16 / 12 mg?), beer / vodka (Extreme), 17mg diazepam (5/2/5/5)

    Monday 9/7: Kratom (4/4/5), 15mg diazepam (5/5/5)
    Tuesday: Kratom (2/5)
    Wednesday: Kratom (1.5/3/3)
    Thursday: Kratom (3/3/3g), beer x 3
    Friday: Kratom (2.5/2.5/2.7)
    Continued taper at Friday’s dose. I have also drunk a few beers, but no more than 4 in one day, and I only did that on one day. Usually I have only had one or two.

    Tuesday 17/7: Reduced morning and midday kratom dose from 2.5g to 2g.
    Last edited by Kallisti23; 17-07-2018 at 19:18. Reason: Amended usage chart in line with subsequent weighing of doses
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    #2
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    Sorry again about the long post.

    I fucked up big time over the weekend. I went out to a friend's birthday party on Saturday night. I took 2cb at the party and had a wonderful trip, mainly with my friends’s cousins, as they were my primary tripping partners that night. I had felt happy and had meaningful deep conversations, the very thing that I enjoy the most in life. I was drinking beer throughout the night as well, which was fine, until the morning time.

    Around 8 or so we had run out of beers, so we started digging into the vodka and this is where it all went downhill. I left with one of my friends cousins around 11am to get a bus home, on the bus we carried on taking big slugs of vodka as we were talking away. This was ‘fine’, seemingly. Then all I remember is getting off the bus and coming to with three people standing around me. I had apparently fallen and hit my face on the ground, I bust my lip and took a fair chunk out of my front tooth. One of the bystanders had called an ambulance and when it arrived my heartrate was apparently highly elevated, so they insisted on bringing me into the hospital. On the ward I was brought to the father of a very close friend of my sister who passed was working, so he felt it was his duty to call my step-dad to let him know. He was out of the city at the time, so he in turn called my mum. My girlfriend was trying to call me all morning and found out the news from my mum. They both came into the hospital. The doctors gave me 2mg diazepam and wouldn’t let me leave until my heartrate was down to a normal level, and someone was there to bring me home.

    I felt, and still feel, such shame and embarrassment about being irresponsible enough to get myself into a state like that where my parents have to get a call about their 27-year-old son ending up in A&E and worry them like that, especially after all they have gone through with my sister. It has been a serious wake-up call that I can’t continue to take such a ‘nothing can harm me, I’m invincible’ approach to drink and drugs. If I had only taken the 2cb, drank moderately and gone to bed at a reasonable hour that would have been fine, but no I had to take it to the extreme. I also took 5mg diazepam at some point in the morning which obviously added to the strong effect of the alcohol. The whole experience has left me feeling very low and depressed, but it has also made me realise I need to change my lifestyle, I can’t go on like this.

    The ironic thing is that the very depression and shame that has come along with this experience paradoxically makes me feel like taking more downers to escape from it. Downers seem to be my default go-to for any difficult experiences and emotions, so I was taking diazepam and kratom throughout the Sunday and Monday that followed. But it has to stop.

    If anyone please has any tips or advice for me that would be greatly appreciated. I am planning on starting by only taking a dose of kratom in the evening to get to sleep for the next week or two and then cutting it out completely. Not that I think the WD's from Kratom are going to be severe, I just don't feel like I can go without nothing during such a low state.

    Thanks.

    Weekend Usage:
    Friday: Kratom (2/2/3), Codeine (75 / 120mg), beer (Moderate)
    Saturday / Sunday: Kratom (2/2/2/3), 28 – 32mg 2cb (2 dabs aprox 16 / 12 mg?), beer / vodka (Extreme), 17mg diazepam (5/2/5/5)
    Monday 9/7: Kratom (3/3/5), 15mg diazepam (5/5/5)
    Last edited by Kallisti23; 10-07-2018 at 15:55. Reason: Typo
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    #3
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    Things I won’t miss:
    - Urinary retention
    - Lowered sex-drive
    - Flatness of Emotion
    - Memory Loss
    - Lowered intellectual abilities
    - General Apathy
    - Dependence
    - Lying
    - Sneaking around
    - Mental time spent thinking about it
    - Guilt

    Things I will miss:
    - Contentment
    - Oblivion
    - Lowered / eradicated anxiety
    - Blissful Apathy
    - Something to look forward to
    - Eradication of boredom


    I have found that the best thing to do is to just stay distracted and stay active. Writing, cycling, watching a bit of TV, having a relaxing bath, and reading things that are either unrelated to drugs, or are about drug recovery and detox. The small dose of kratom I took this morning has long worn off and I have mild stiffness in my legs since about an hour and a half ago. Not too bad though. Other than that, I just feel generally low energy / mood and a bit depressed, but again nothing too bad. Going to try and not take my evening dose until as late as possible.
    Last edited by Kallisti23; 10-07-2018 at 19:09. Reason: can't handle typo's
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    #4
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    Hi,
    Seems to me that you have figured out plenty on your own when it comes to recovery and you are on the right path.

    You can do it!
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrRoot View Post
    Hi,
    Seems to me that you have figured out plenty on your own when it comes to recovery and you are on the right path.

    You can do it!
    Thanks Mr.Robot. Maybe I do know more about it than I give myself credit for from thinking about it so much, it?s putting it into practice that?s the hard part. I?m going to keep the journal up anyway as I think turning it into a project is helpful for me. Believe it or not I?m actually writing a lot more than what I post online, despite how long winded the posts are haha.

    Thanks for the encouragement anyway
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    Woke up this morning feeling pretty crap. My body feels stiff and uncomfortable and I was teary eyed. Tears where streaming down my face for no apparent reason. I slept well until the morning, where I kept restlessly waking up and falling back asleep again. I am going to smoke some hash to see if this helps at all. It could increase anxiety, but it could also help me relax. Only one way to find out… The hash didn’t make a huge difference either way, I feel a bit more relaxed and hazy (obviously), but the restlessness is still underlying the buzz. On the plus side it didn’t increase my anxiety at all which was my main concern, probably due to it being a nice mellow hash and not some strong sativa weed.
    I think I have decided that the plunge from 3 doses a day to only 1 is maybe a bit too rapid a taper for me. I think for the first week I am going to take 2 doses but reduce the size of the morning dose. Do this for 1 week, and then maybe go to just one evening dose.
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    #7
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    The restlessness is a thing I hated when I tapered first time seriously out of opiates.

    I hated it the most as I couldn't literally sit for a minute and instead walked all over my house and vaped all the time.
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    #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrRoot View Post
    The restlessness is a thing I hated when I tapered first time seriously out of opiates.

    I hated it the most as I couldn't literally sit for a minute and instead walked all over my house and vaped all the time.
    Yeah it's a killer...
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    11.50: Found out my mum isn’t going away today as planned but tomorrow instead. It’s not a big deal but I was really looking forward to having the house to just myself and my girlfriend. Even the tiniest little stress seems amplified. I need to learn how to deal with stress and anxiety. My usual go-to would be to have a drink or do drugs. I had a tiny teaspoon of kratom about half an hour ago as my morning dose, roughly half my usual dose. Not enough to catch a buzz but enough to make me feel a bit calmer. Was tempted to smoke a pipe of hash to potentiate it but think I should abstain and learn to deal with stress more clearheaded.

    13.50: I didn’t end up doing anything at the time and it was fine. Stress comes, and it passes like everything else, it is just a natural part of life. I ended up smoking a bit of hash a couple hours later just because I felt like it. I feel there is a big difference between smoking to cope and smoking for enjoyment.

    15.35: Had an argument with my girlfriend on her lunch break via WhatsApp about me smoking cannabis, and me not wanting to do gardening work with her dad next week. The reason I don’t want to do it is because I’m anticipating wd’s over the next couple of weeks as I taper down and quit kratom. I decided to come out and tell her the fact that I am actually an addict and am tapering down and that this is the reason I can’t work with her dad. I have always downplayed and hidden my addiction from her until now. Her break was over by the time I sent those messages, so she hasn’t seen them yet. I am dreading her reaction when she does. I can completely understand her feeling cheated and angry that I have lied to her and been sneaking behind her back with this. But, at the same time I don’t think I can handle that response. It makes me want to use lots and block it out so badly, but I know I can’t.

    17.00: Just ate. Stomach is turning a bit and I am feeling slightly nauseous. I think this could largely be the stress and anxiety about my girlfriend's reaction to my messages. I can’t wait for 6 o’clock to come just so I can have it over and done with. I really hope it doesn’t go too badly, but unfortunately, I expect it will. She is already upset and pissed off at me, at the end of her tether. Her leaving me would not be a big surprise. It’s the lying that’s the worst part, that’s what she is going to find the hardest.

    18.15: My girlfriend was surprisingly calm about it. She said she wasn’t that surprised considering she’d known about my previous use and has thought I’ve seemed ‘out of sorts’ and a ‘not at always my full mental capacity’, and my speech was ‘a bit lazy’ at times (sounds about right). She’s being extremely understanding about the whole affair though which makes me really happy and feel a lot more positive. I really want to do this.
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    My girlfriend and I had a little argument later when she came over, she believes that I shouldn’t be smoking cannabis and should be abstaining from all drugs and alcohol now. She has the fairly black and white attitude of drugs are drugs are drugs and doesn’t really differentiate between psychedelics, opiates, cannabis etc. This annoyed me a bit because I feel that still smoking cannabis will greatly help me on my road to getting off downers.

    12/7:
    13.15: I woke up fairly early but not too early this morning feeling fairly crap; restless, depressed, and generally a bit uncomfortable. I took a tiny teaspoon of kratom as my morning dose, it made me feel a bit better for a while, but now 3 hours or so later I’m feeling a bit crap again. I have clammy hands and feet, and just a general feeling of discomfort, nothing too severe but not pleasant either. I smoked a pipe of hash and that has actually made me feel slightly better. I should really start weighing out my doses of kratom so I do an accurate taper instead of just eyeballing teaspoons.
    15.55: I had a rash on my side when I woke up this morning so went to the doctors. They reckon it’s shingles. Great, a potentially painful ailment is all I need when trying to quit pain-killers. The universe just loves throwing spanners in the works…
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    #11
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    I think I have been doing my taper wrong, too fast to be effective. I actually weighed one of my normal doses there for the first time in ages and it turns out my doses were higher than I thought, all the estimations have to be brought up by probably a gram or so, maybe more. Not a huge difference, but still worth noting. I’m starting now by bringing my doses down by a gram, then hopefully by another gram or a half next week. I’m essentially just going through prolonged mild withdrawal at the moment, followed by the odd brief little relief twice a day.
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    My girlfriend and I had a little argument later when she came over, she believes that I shouldn’t be smoking cannabis and should be abstaining from all drugs and alcohol now. She has the fairly black and white attitude of drugs are drugs are drugs and doesn’t really differentiate between psychedelics, opiates, cannabis etc. This annoyed me a bit because I feel that still smoking cannabis will greatly help me on my road to getting off downers.

    12/7:
    19.40: I have the house to myself. Listening to Sabbath, did a small work out, drinking a beer and smoking some hash has me feeling very nice. I hope that I will be able to just have a nice time with good music a few beers and some cannabis in the future, without the need to do it daily, and cut out the daily opiate and benzo crap. Opiates and benzos are negating in their effects, they make you feel good by turning you off to what is around. I want to focus on things that heighten awareness not dampen it; cannabis and music are of course masters at this task. I of course know that alcohol is also a depressant and GABA antagonist, but in low doses occasionally and in moderation, especially in combination with cannabis, it can just relax the mind just enough to forget about the shit and tune in to what is around you. – note to self: This is not justification for becoming an alcoholic. Alcohol can be just as detrimental when abused as benzos and opiates. I just seem to generally be better at controlling my alcohol consumption than the other substances. Sometimes I binge which is bad, but more often than not I can be content with only having a couple of beers. Basically, I have never felt a physical addiction to it.
    20.23: Playing guitar felt nice. I need to start to create again, creativity is an outlet, it’s an altered state. One of the times in my life when I’ve felt the most contentment was when I was taking minimal drugs and writing and meditating every day. This is a cycle I should try to move back into.
    21.20: I am going to take my evening / night dose now, I weighed up 2.9g. Starting to feel the first signs of the last dose wearing off. I’m starting to get a bit clammy, tummy a bit funny etc. So, it seems that roughly 3g every 5 hours or so throughout the day is my comfortable dose. I might try 2.5g tomorrow and see how that works out. The burnt food on the tinfoil on the baking tray in the oven makes me think about smoking heroin. Pretty much every time I see tinfoil I think of heroin. It’s amazing how many things remind me of drugs. Even the act of cooking a proper meal reminds me of drinking and taking benzos. Because that’s what I used to love doing when I was unemployed and addicted – take benzos, stick on some good music and spend a couple of hours listening to good music with a few beers and cooking up a curry.
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    13/7: The jump down to 2.5g seems to be ok. Apart from slight stomach issues and low mood. I can definitely feel the effects of the kratom wear off quicker though and onset of wd's start a bit quicker with the lower dose. I took two nurofen+ (Ibuprofen 200mg / codeine 12.8mg) given to me by the pharmacist with my evening dose for shingles pain. I also drank 2 small beers (440ml / 3.8 % ) in the evening.
    Last edited by Kallisti23; 15-07-2018 at 02:29. Reason: Typo
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    14/7: Continuing my taper I have been taking two 2.5g doses and one 2.7g one in the evening. I took 2 neurofen plus with the evening dose again. Also drank four beers in the evening. It has been going alright, I haven't felt terrible all day, just not great. Having a few beers in the evening helped a lot which makes me wonder if I possibly have some mild benzo wd's from the 3 week or so binge? Maybe not, I feel confident about the taper now anyway. I am running low on kratom, but might try 2g a dose next week before possibly jumping off. Ideally I?d do a slightly longer and more gradual taper but I don?t really want to buy any more.
    Last edited by Kallisti23; 15-07-2018 at 02:30.
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    Anyone know if it would be possible, or even any point in continuing the taper with codeine instead if the kratom runs out early? Maybe it?s jusy best going CT when that happens. I am already down to just under 8g a day from around 14 - 17g...
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    #16
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    Are you still taking anything else besides kratom? I'm a Cold Turkey type guy . I've done the tape stuff and it sucks . Try taking the plunge . Your going to have WDs either way. Get some clonidine ( non addictive) to take the sweats and runny nose away at least.
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    Yeah I'm leaning towards just taking the plunge. I'm going to continue the taper until the kratom is all gone, which should be in the next few days. Mainly just because I don't think it will be helpful lying around, and I don't want to flush it (silly I know). At the moment I think it has mainly turned into a mental game, I'm just watching the clock all day until I can take my next dose, that doesn't really do anything and provides next to no relief. I think it could just be dragging out the inevitable. I'm only taking the kratom now, I had a month long or so small benzo binge, but not since Monday. I've been addicted to benzo's before so could be feeling some mild wd's from that binge even though it was relatively short.
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    09.45: Lying in bed I can feel anxiety start to rise from the pit of my stomach and out to my extremities, there it sits clammy in the palms of my hands and soles of my feet. It is approaching my usual dosing time, so I can’t help but wonder if this is the cause. It will be interesting to see how much this anxiety changes when I have no material left to dose with. Whether or not it continues to manifest around the dosing times or not will prove how much of it is psychological and due to me knowing that I can dose soon. I slept badly last night and a bad night’s sleep always increases anxiety for me.

    I think I will try jump down another 0.5g today to bring my dose down to 3 x 2g. If I manage to get slightly used to 6g a day the jump shouldn’t be too bad. I have one 10mg diazepam left over from my benzo binge, I might take a small 0.25mg dose a day for the first 4 days of the jump to hopefully help a little with the anxiety. A tiny dose I know, but I can’t see it being any worse than nothing. I’m considering picking up some Changa which just so happens to be available to me right now. Any time I’ve smoked Changa I haven’t felt like taking any harder drugs afterwards, even when I was doing benzo’s daily. This isn’t some break-through experience revelatory thing, even at low doses Changa seems to effect the physiological urge to take benzo’s or opiates in me. Maybe it has something to do with the MAOI in the Changa mix? Or just one of the strange powers of DMT…

    I haven’t heard or read much about this, does anyone else have any experience using Changa or DMT during WD’s? I also have some mushrooms and acid there, I think the acid would be too long-lasting and stimulating, but I have been considering microdosing some mushrooms to see if that helps at all. I’ll probably wait a little bit with that though until the acute symptoms have subsided.
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    #19
    Bluelighter
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    I've never done shrooms before, so I cant comment about those . I've done sheets of acid in my day and I sure as hell would not want to be in WD'S after dropping. You may need some more benzo's , but if you cant control those things then go to a dr that can write out something like clonidine and gabapentin. Phenbuit may be an option if you don't want to go to a dr. Its similar to gabapentin. Hang in there . I love cutting fire wood . We look for dying hickory trees for our winter fire wood . Best smelling wood period .
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    Bluelighter Kallisti23's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hikfromstik View Post
    I've never done shrooms before, so I cant comment about those . I've done sheets of acid in my day and I sure as hell would not want to be in WD'S after dropping. You may need some more benzo's , but if you cant control those things then go to a dr that can write out something like clonidine and gabapentin. Phenbuit may be an option if you don't want to go to a dr. Its similar to gabapentin. Hang in there . I love cutting fire wood . We look for dying hickory trees for our winter fire wood . Best smelling wood period .
    Yeah I wouldn't dream of taking a proper trip right now, or in the next couple of weeks, I was more just thinking about very low microdosing for depression and motivation (Say, 6ug lsd or 100 - 200mg mushrooms). Mushrooms are far less stimulating than LSD, in fact they can be quite relaxing and slightly sedating at times.

    I don't really want to go to my GP about it, I went about my xanax use before and I didn't find them very helpful, apart from them now seemingly not being willing to prescribe me proper painkillers anymore. Where I live the medical community is still quite conservative and old-school when it comes to drugs in many ways. I don't trust myself with benzos, I have a very high propensity towards abusing them. Luckily (in a way) I can't get any easily at the moment. If I made a concerted effort I probably could, but I'm not arsed doing that. I've considered phenibut before, but I think I'd rather stay away from the GABA drugs as much as possible for now. If needs be I might get some. Do you have any experience yourself with phenibut? I've never tried it myself and have read mixed things about it.

    Chopping wood sounds nice, keeping active is probably key. I went for a little cycle today which felt good, and might get some gardening work once the main wd's have passed.

    Thanks for replying btw. I don't mind talking to myself, but it's nice to have someone listen sometimes. Hope you're doing well.
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    18/7:
    I woke up this morning feeling pretty bad (seems to be a pattern here), it felt kind of like a hangover but without the nausea, just the anxiety, sweats, and general discomfort. I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep but lay in bed until around 10 before mustering the effort to get up and make breakfast. I smoked a little bit of changa and some hash in the moring, and although pleasant, it didn’t get rid of the physical symptoms.
    After my 2g morning dose I didn’t feel quite as bad any more, in fact I think I feel a bit better than previous days. I went for a cycle to get out of the house a bit and to get my blood pumping a bit. I have to make more of an effort to exercise and get out more. Keeping busy and keeping active is key.
    A pang of tiredness and discomfort hit me around 3 or so, but I waited, and it passed to an extent. The uncomfortable symptoms seem to come in waves in varying intensity. I didn’t break from my schedule and I take my second 2g dose around 5.

    19/7:
    10.00: I feel completely devoid of energy this morning. My legs feel like dead weights beneath me, yet there is still an uncomfortable aching restlessness buzzing through me.
    16.40: I’ve had a mild bout of the runs today. I’m definitely feeling that drop down, my body is stiff, and I have very little energy. I made myself go out for a little cycle earlier anyway. I sense myself watching the clock always counting down until the next dose. It is always on my mind, alternating between lurking in the background and taking center stage. I am running very low on kratom, so the full drop will probably be in the next couple of days.
    My girlfriend is coming over on the weekend and at the start of next week. Ideally, I wanted to be alone when jumping but this might not end up being the case. In the past I was always looking for a perfect time to quit, but there is never a perfect time, you just have to do it. I’ve just been lounging about today, doing a bit of reading, a few things around the house, and watching a bit of Brass Eye on YouTube to distract myself.
    21.20: Since I started tapering time has been moving in a slow dredge. I’d say it subjectively feels as if it is proceeding three times slower than its usual speed. The minutes tick by with a strained effort. Moving through space has also become much more of a chore, my legs are like led and must be forcefully manoeuvred in the desired direction. I am going to drop my night dose to 2g tonight instead of 2.5g.
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    20/7: 09.50: I woke up in the usual manner around 8am. I am dropping my morning dose down to 1.8g today. I have been tapering fairly rapidly so haven't had much respite for the last couple of weeks, it's pretty tiring. I am looking forward to just being done with it.

    13.20: Apart from the underlying anxiety the physical symptoms actually feel a bit better today even though I only took a 1.8g dose this morning. My anxiety was very bad this morning though, could feel it surging through my body and I was shaking slightly. I also told my mum about my addiction and me now coming clean this morning. It was really hard to do but I felt I had to let her know what I was going through since I am living at home and will be around her a lot during the time I am kicking it completely. She can be a bit intense at times and demand a lot of me, so instead of just seeming moody and out of sorts I thought I?d come clean. She was naturally worried but understanding.

    21/7: (Day 21 of taper / last day) The last two days where roughly the same. Strangely, since the jump down to doses bellow 2g the maladies actually seemed a little bit better compared to prior days. There was still underlying anxiety, hot flashes, and some rls, especially when sleeping. Although I slept both nights I didn't sleep great. On the night of the 20th I woke up after about 2 hours, then fell back asleep, then woke up after another 4 hours or so. On the 21st I slept for about 6 hours and woke up sweaty and uncomfortable.

    22/7: (Day 1 off Kratom)
    Today is my first day of jumping off completely. I took my last dose of kratom (1.8g) last night around
    21.30. I have felt a bit anxious, depressed, and restless. My body has felt stiff, the intensity and focal points varying, although it is mainly in my back, shoulders and legs.

    15.35: I took roughly 40 - 50mg dxm.

    17.20: I drank a slug of whisky, smoked a pipe of hash and played some guitar. This helped a lot, I felt practically no symptoms while I was playing guitar. Now that I've stopped they have come back a little, but they still seem diminished compared to this morning / afternoon. The stiffness is mainly manifesting in my neck and upper back.

    22.25: Around an hour ago I took 2.5mg diazepam, one Benalyn night (50mg Diphenhydramine / 500mg Paracetamol) and drank some valerian root tea to try and aid sleep. The body aches and stiffness are the worst symptoms so far. The stiffness travels from my legs up my spine and has me writhing around in bed trying to stretch it out. I have also had a mild bout of the shits today and have been very hot and clammy for the past couple of hours. I can't tell if it's just this balmy summer night, but it feels like my body is trying to flush the remaining kratom out through my pours. I have mainly been trying to distract myself through watching TV. The diazepam and Benalyn have made me feel a bit more tired but the body aches and restlessness is still present. 2.5mg diazepam is not nearly a high enough dose for me to get any sort of muscle relaxation or proper sedation off. I could really have done with at least 60mg to see me through the first 4 days. But, I have to make do with what I've got, and the less benzo?s I take the better. I have also been smoking hash which I think has been helping a bit. I had a few more swigs of whisky too.

    00.50: I am rolling and trashing around the bed trying to get comfortable, but this appears impossible. My whole body is gripped by a painful stiffness which seems to be making sleep a very distant prospect. I take another 2.5mg diazepam to try and alleviate it slightly. I must remember to never get myself into this situation again, it is almost unbearable.

    01.17: I feel very disappointed with myself despite the low dose, but I took 3 Nurofen plus (38.5mg codeine / 600 mg ibuprofen) to hopefully give me some respite from the body aches. I'm not sure how much of a difference it will make and fear it will drag out the withdrawals a bit. I have a psychology appointment tomorrow morning though and just need some sleep before it. I don?t want to get high, I just want to sleep. Benzo withdrawal may be much longer, but opioid withdrawal is definitely more severe in its immediate symptoms. I writhe around the bed like a fly whose wings have been plucked off. It is unbearable. I can only begin to imagine what it would have been like had I not tapered. Withdrawal from stronger opiates must be hell. I wish I had stocked up on some Valium for this. I pray I can get some tomorrow, just enough to see me through the worst of the acute phase.

    23/7: (Day 2)
    I think I finally got to sleep around 3ish after watching some Simpsons. I was woken by my alarm around 9.30 for my psych appointment but felt I could have slept for longer. Strangely I think I actually feel a bit better today. I've still got the body stiffness, but it is not nearly as bad as it was last night. Hopefully getting out for a cycle today will tire my legs out a bit for tonight.
    After reading a bit online I am pretty convinced that the Benalyn / diphenhydramine is what exasperated my RLS so much last night. A lot of people seem to report this issue after taking diphenhydramine while going through opiate withdrawals. I am going to not take any tonight and hopefully I won't be thrashing about like fish out of water the whole night. I took 5mg diazepam to help sleep.

    24/7: (Day 3)
    The physical symptoms started to recede although they were still present. My energy was still extremely low though, and so was my mood. My gf was over, so I mainly distracted myself by hanging out with her and watching stuff on the laptop. I also tried to get out and move about a bit by going down to the shops a couple times a day. I was smoking a little hash during the days, and I drank some whisky during day. both nights I took 5mg diazepam to try and aid sleep. I don?t know how much it helped, I did sleep though although I didn't get more than 4 - 5 hours broken sleep.

    25/7: (Day 4)
    Today the physical symptoms feel a lot better, in fact almost gone entirely. This has led me to believe that due to my very rapid taper towards the end, I may have actually started withdrawals whilst still tapering. The last week of the taper felt worse than today. A friend came over and we hung out and talked. He has recently quit opiates and alcohol, he has gone fully clean for now though so isn?t still drinking a bit and smoking cannabis like me. I didn?t drink or smoke at all while I was with him but did later in the evening after he left.

    26/7: (Day 5)
    I went to the beach today. I had a lovely day on the beach in the sun and my mood felt a bit lifted compared to the last 2 - 3 weeks. I did pick up 10 x 10mg diazepam in the morning though and took one before going to the beach. My sleep has still been very bad, so I planned to get them primarily for this purpose. I took 2 more before trying to go to sleep on an air mattress in my stepdad's house. Even with the diazepam I still got very little sleep. I can never sleep on air mattresses.

    Days 6 - 7:
    I took the remaining 70mg of diazepam over these 2 days. The two days are a bit hazy, but I definitely got substantially more sleep.

    29/7: (Day 8 )
    My gf and I had a big argument today about money, our future / current situation etc. I got extremely anxious and agitated. I wanted nothing more than to just take a large amount of benzo's or opiates and obliterate my mind, this is definitely my default position in times of stress. Even though there where Nurofen plus (codeine) in the house I refrained. I did down a fairly large amount of whisky instead though. My gf could tell that I was drunk, and I felt very guilty and ashamed about the whole affair.

    Day 9: This day and the next were the best yet since quitting. I microdosed 0.2g of mushrooms today and felt a bit more at ease and my mood was lifted. I also had the best sex I have had in months, it felt like finally starting to get my mojo back after months of numbness.

    1/8: (Day 10)
    This day I microdosed <10ug LSD today. I microdosed the LSD and went up to a friends house and hung out with him and his girlfriend, drinking beers, talking, and listening to music. I felt quite happy and confident and had a really nice time. I have been thinking a lot about benzodiazepines throughout the last couple of days though, so I have to watch out that I don’t slip back into that horrible benzo trap.
    Synchronicity and oddity appear to amplify when one takes psychedelics, even at low doses. I got a free bus ride home because the bus driver wanted to talk politics and ideologies the whole way home with me. A lot of the topics where very similar to ones I had just been discussing with my friend. It was a strange trip home for sure…

    So as can be seen I haven’t been exactly staying sober, but I have managed to kick Kratom / opiates for now anyway. The last week of the taper and the first 2 days clean where the worst for me which wasn’t at all what I’d been led to believe from reading around online about the 3 day physical peak. I think this could be down to the rapidness of my taper sending me into withdrawals before the taper had actually finished. The psychological symptoms such as depression and anxiety are still lingering, and my energy levels are still very low, but the worst has definitely passed. Microdosing seems to help a bit with these symptoms so I might experiment with a regular microdosing regimen.
    Last edited by Kallisti23; 01-08-2018 at 15:43. Reason: Formatting
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