Recovery Breaking the cycle of addiction (mainly opiods, alcohol and benzos)

[Kallisti23]

18/7:
I woke up this morning feeling pretty bad (seems to be a pattern here), it felt kind of like a hangover but without the nausea, just the anxiety, sweats, and general discomfort. I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep but lay in bed until around 10 before mustering the effort to get up and make breakfast. I smoked a little bit of changa and some hash in the moring, and although pleasant, it didn’t get rid of the physical symptoms.
After my 2g morning dose I didn’t feel quite as bad any more, in fact I think I feel a bit better than previous days. I went for a cycle to get out of the house a bit and to get my blood pumping a bit. I have to make more of an effort to exercise and get out more. Keeping busy and keeping active is key.
A pang of tiredness and discomfort hit me around 3 or so, but I waited, and it passed to an extent. The uncomfortable symptoms seem to come in waves in varying intensity. I didn’t break from my schedule and I take my second 2g dose around 5.

19/7:
10.00: I feel completely devoid of energy this morning. My legs feel like dead weights beneath me, yet there is still an uncomfortable aching restlessness buzzing through me.
16.40: I’ve had a mild bout of the runs today. I’m definitely feeling that drop down, my body is stiff, and I have very little energy. I made myself go out for a little cycle earlier anyway. I sense myself watching the clock always counting down until the next dose. It is always on my mind, alternating between lurking in the background and taking center stage. I am running very low on kratom, so the full drop will probably be in the next couple of days.
My girlfriend is coming over on the weekend and at the start of next week. Ideally, I wanted to be alone when jumping but this might not end up being the case. In the past I was always looking for a perfect time to quit, but there is never a perfect time, you just have to do it. I’ve just been lounging about today, doing a bit of reading, a few things around the house, and watching a bit of Brass Eye on YouTube to distract myself.
21.20: Since I started tapering time has been moving in a slow dredge. I’d say it subjectively feels as if it is proceeding three times slower than its usual speed. The minutes tick by with a strained effort. Moving through space has also become much more of a chore, my legs are like led and must be forcefully manoeuvred in the desired direction. I am going to drop my night dose to 2g tonight instead of 2.5g.

 

[Kallisti23]

20/7: 09.50: I woke up in the usual manner around 8am. I am dropping my morning dose down to 1.8g today. I have been tapering fairly rapidly so haven't had much respite for the last couple of weeks, it's pretty tiring. I am looking forward to just being done with it.

13.20: Apart from the underlying anxiety the physical symptoms actually feel a bit better today even though I only took a 1.8g dose this morning. My anxiety was very bad this morning though, could feel it surging through my body and I was shaking slightly. I also told my mum about my addiction and me now coming clean this morning. It was really hard to do but I felt I had to let her know what I was going through since I am living at home and will be around her a lot during the time I am kicking it completely. She can be a bit intense at times and demand a lot of me, so instead of just seeming moody and out of sorts I thought I?d come clean. She was naturally worried but understanding.

21/7: (Day 21 of taper / last day) The last two days where roughly the same. Strangely, since the jump down to doses bellow 2g the maladies actually seemed a little bit better compared to prior days. There was still underlying anxiety, hot flashes, and some rls, especially when sleeping. Although I slept both nights I didn't sleep great. On the night of the 20^th I woke up after about 2 hours, then fell back asleep, then woke up after another 4 hours or so. On the 21^st I slept for about 6 hours and woke up sweaty and uncomfortable.

22/7: (Day 1 off Kratom)
Today is my first day of jumping off completely. I took my last dose of kratom (1.8g) last night around
21.30. I have felt a bit anxious, depressed, and restless. My body has felt stiff, the intensity and focal points varying, although it is mainly in my back, shoulders and legs.

15.35: I took roughly 40 - 50mg dxm.

17.20: I drank a slug of whisky, smoked a pipe of hash and played some guitar. This helped a lot, I felt practically no symptoms while I was playing guitar. Now that I've stopped they have come back a little, but they still seem diminished compared to this morning / afternoon. The stiffness is mainly manifesting in my neck and upper back.

22.25: Around an hour ago I took 2.5mg diazepam, one Benalyn night (50mg Diphenhydramine / 500mg Paracetamol) and drank some valerian root tea to try and aid sleep. The body aches and stiffness are the worst symptoms so far. The stiffness travels from my legs up my spine and has me writhing around in bed trying to stretch it out. I have also had a mild bout of the shits today and have been very hot and clammy for the past couple of hours. I can't tell if it's just this balmy summer night, but it feels like my body is trying to flush the remaining kratom out through my pours. I have mainly been trying to distract myself through watching TV. The diazepam and Benalyn have made me feel a bit more tired but the body aches and restlessness is still present. 2.5mg diazepam is not nearly a high enough dose for me to get any sort of muscle relaxation or proper sedation off. I could really have done with at least 60mg to see me through the first 4 days. But, I have to make do with what I've got, and the less benzo?s I take the better. I have also been smoking hash which I think has been helping a bit. I had a few more swigs of whisky too.

00.50: I am rolling and trashing around the bed trying to get comfortable, but this appears impossible. My whole body is gripped by a painful stiffness which seems to be making sleep a very distant prospect. I take another 2.5mg diazepam to try and alleviate it slightly. I must remember to never get myself into this situation again, it is almost unbearable.

01.17: I feel very disappointed with myself despite the low dose, but I took 3 Nurofen plus (38.5mg codeine / 600 mg ibuprofen) to hopefully give me some respite from the body aches. I'm not sure how much of a difference it will make and fear it will drag out the withdrawals a bit. I have a psychology appointment tomorrow morning though and just need some sleep before it. I don?t want to get high, I just want to sleep. Benzo withdrawal may be much longer, but opioid withdrawal is definitely more severe in its immediate symptoms. I writhe around the bed like a fly whose wings have been plucked off. It is unbearable. I can only begin to imagine what it would have been like had I not tapered. Withdrawal from stronger opiates must be hell. I wish I had stocked up on some Valium for this. I pray I can get some tomorrow, just enough to see me through the worst of the acute phase.

23/7: (Day 2)
I think I finally got to sleep around 3ish after watching some Simpsons. I was woken by my alarm around 9.30 for my psych appointment but felt I could have slept for longer. Strangely I think I actually feel a bit better today. I've still got the body stiffness, but it is not nearly as bad as it was last night. Hopefully getting out for a cycle today will tire my legs out a bit for tonight.
After reading a bit online I am pretty convinced that the Benalyn / diphenhydramine is what exasperated my RLS so much last night. A lot of people seem to report this issue after taking diphenhydramine while going through opiate withdrawals. I am going to not take any tonight and hopefully I won't be thrashing about like fish out of water the whole night. I took 5mg diazepam to help sleep.

24/7: (Day 3)
The physical symptoms started to recede although they were still present. My energy was still extremely low though, and so was my mood. My gf was over, so I mainly distracted myself by hanging out with her and watching stuff on the laptop. I also tried to get out and move about a bit by going down to the shops a couple times a day. I was smoking a little hash during the days, and I drank some whisky during day. both nights I took 5mg diazepam to try and aid sleep. I don?t know how much it helped, I did sleep though although I didn't get more than 4 - 5 hours broken sleep.

25/7: (Day 4)
Today the physical symptoms feel a lot better, in fact almost gone entirely. This has led me to believe that due to my very rapid taper towards the end, I may have actually started withdrawals whilst still tapering. The last week of the taper felt worse than today. A friend came over and we hung out and talked. He has recently quit opiates and alcohol, he has gone fully clean for now though so isn?t still drinking a bit and smoking cannabis like me. I didn?t drink or smoke at all while I was with him but did later in the evening after he left.

26/7: (Day 5)
I went to the beach today. I had a lovely day on the beach in the sun and my mood felt a bit lifted compared to the last 2 - 3 weeks. I did pick up 10 x 10mg diazepam in the morning though and took one before going to the beach. My sleep has still been very bad, so I planned to get them primarily for this purpose. I took 2 more before trying to go to sleep on an air mattress in my stepdad's house. Even with the diazepam I still got very little sleep. I can never sleep on air mattresses.

Days 6 - 7:
I took the remaining 70mg of diazepam over these 2 days. The two days are a bit hazy, but I definitely got substantially more sleep.

29/7: (Day 8 )
My gf and I had a big argument today about money, our future / current situation etc. I got extremely anxious and agitated. I wanted nothing more than to just take a large amount of benzo's or opiates and obliterate my mind, this is definitely my default position in times of stress. Even though there where Nurofen plus (codeine) in the house I refrained. I did down a fairly large amount of whisky instead though. My gf could tell that I was drunk, and I felt very guilty and ashamed about the whole affair.

Day 9: This day and the next were the best yet since quitting. I microdosed 0.2g of mushrooms today and felt a bit more at ease and my mood was lifted. I also had the best sex I have had in months, it felt like finally starting to get my mojo back after months of numbness.

1/8: (Day 10)
This day I microdosed <10ug LSD today. I microdosed the LSD and went up to a friends house and hung out with him and his girlfriend, drinking beers, talking, and listening to music. I felt quite happy and confident and had a really nice time. I have been thinking a lot about benzodiazepines throughout the last couple of days though, so I have to watch out that I don’t slip back into that horrible benzo trap.
Synchronicity and oddity appear to amplify when one takes psychedelics, even at low doses. I got a free bus ride home because the bus driver wanted to talk politics and ideologies the whole way home with me. A lot of the topics where very similar to ones I had just been discussing with my friend. It was a strange trip home for sure…

So as can be seen I haven’t been exactly staying sober, but I have managed to kick Kratom / opiates for now anyway. The last week of the taper and the first 2 days clean where the worst for me which wasn’t at all what I’d been led to believe from reading around online about the 3 day physical peak. I think this could be down to the rapidness of my taper sending me into withdrawals before the taper had actually finished. The psychological symptoms such as depression and anxiety are still lingering, and my energy levels are still very low, but the worst has definitely passed. Microdosing seems to help a bit with these symptoms so I might experiment with a regular microdosing regimen.