I know much of what you must have gone through. Sort of in an analogous boat myself. Lost the love of my life, after a chance me and this classic autie lass, admittedly pretty young, although I only found out her specific age after we were officially an item, with the first thing she did on setting eyes on me being to turn herself into an intercontinental ballistic autie babe-enhanced nuke and after pausing to stomp some guy to the dirt for being in her way, carried on to spear me into a tree, full force, nothing held back, just WHAM! straight into me. Obviously knocked some sense into my head when she did, because after she'd finished shoving her tongue down my throat long enough I really, really needed to breathe again, it was love at first...well even before first sight almost, given I hardly saw her bodyslam tackling me into a tree as about to happen, much less had any idea she was about to go set up a tonsil mining company and stake her claim.
But certainly, love at first body-slam and tongue invasion. Not subtle, not in the slightest. But I was soon to find, over the course of that same day, that we were body crazy for each other, that we got on like a house on fire and a fire truck with it's hose tanks filled with peroxidized ether. And that she was both raunchy as hell, had as big of the hots for me as she'd just given me for her, but that the other side of her, the non 'drag you off and rip your clothes off' side, was sweet, warm, kind hearted, with an autie's brutal honesty and up-frontness, that we shared, and would be forever finding reasons and places to just wrap ourselves round each other and snuggle up, just to be closer to the warmth of each other, the loveliest, sweetest spesh girl you could ever imagine, and one absolutely drop-dead-sexy little kitten, and it ended, part due to circumstances outside my control, or at least our being unable to contact each other was due to other parties, but the breaking up, that was due to a stupid and preventable fuck up on my part.
Only ever had one argument, through the entire time we knew each other. But the cause, well it led to me rabbitting, being younger, and just having been gotten out of an awful relationship with this NT gf at the time, who was, quite honestly, a horrible person, and fucking ugly outside as she was inside, didn't want to be hurt again, she told me she'd cheated and I was stupid enough to panic, and to try and avoid getting hurt worse, when I should have told her straight away she had my complete and unconditional love, and that I forgave her mistake, and just ask that she not do it again, because what we had, it was perfect up until then. Even after we were still friends, until the uncontrollable circumstances (such as having avenues of communication cut off, by for example, getting my phone jacked and trashed by pikey filth).
I'd give anything to be able to take back that mistake I made, just, do whatever you can to make sure you aren't left dead inside, hollowed out. I can't date anymore, because of one of my principles. Specifically, that if a woman is worth being in a relationship, that is because they are worth loving, and worthy of your respect. And if you respect someone enough to afford them that degree of closeness, that they deserve EVERYTHING you have to give of yourself, not something second rate, not the scraps left after the bones of a hollowed out shell are picked clean and bleached in the sun. Crumbs from a pauper's meal long picked clean, and mostly dust; and sand. Rather than the feast of soul, willingly, indeed devotedly and lovingly held up on a silver platter from bended knee, as I had offered up of myself to the young autie girl to whom I was supposed, once it became legal to even divulge our relationship to any save ourselves, our closest, trusted friends, in my case, no more than three people knew, excluding us, and excluding our parents, since I had made my respectful introduction to her mother, despite my fiancee's young age, and it had gone down with a gratifying and hugely relieving lack of anything involving her coming at me with a meat cleaver, calling the pigs, or both.
And, essentially, since we were torn apart, that huge portion of me, the vital spirit that makes me be ME, rather than anybody else, had been given utterly to my loved one and lover, and now, there is precious little to give, and perhaps less that anyone else could want from such meager pickings. So, am now stuck not being able to date, given I cannot fulfil that principle, my way, of demanding of myself that I offer a loved one no less than the best, for if they are not worth that I shouldn't BE in a relationship with someone I would view as not worth it.
I miss my fiancee, the love of my life, as though I'd miss both legs and an arm plus most of the other hand's fingers if I were to have them ripped off, I loved her, more dearly than even she knew, for there are some things that don't have words for them with which to speak thereof, although she knew that I held her as dear even, as my own life. More so, in fact. Would trade the world to be able to go back and undo my stupid mistake, don't let yourself wind up in a condition like mine, for some wounds, do not heal.
