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Thread: What to do when you just cannot get over someone to the point you can't date at all?

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    What to do when you just cannot get over someone to the point you can't date at all? 
    #1
    Could use some advice on this.

    I'll give a little background, won''t tell the whole story again, that was in 'worst breakups'

    Because it really, really is the worst. The single worst thing ever to have taken place in my life, even serving a jail term, or coming close to a heart attack and going into cardiogenic shock, after developing a sinus tachyarrhythmia, neither, not even ending up clinically dead and having to be brought back, has come even close to the unutterable agony and horror of my loss.

    For this woman, young for dating, and even younger for dating me, given I was 19, probably going on 20 at the time, and she was 14, and I don't know for how long she had been. But, we met, and she came on to me in a way that made quite clear that it wasn't an offer I couldn't refuse, more 'we are classically autistic bombshell sexpot drop dead sexy kinkstress; resistance is futile, you will be assimilated'

    And, assimilated I most certainly was. She just beat the fuck out of some big guy for getting in between her charge towards me, for slowiing her down and for being in the way, before crashing into me full fucking force, putting everything she had into body-slamming me into a tree. Really didn't even try to pull her punch, she just shot straight into me and began to explore all my internal organs with her tongue. Didn't ask if she could, didn't even SPEAK to me, not a word, just slammed into me, knocked me into next week making sure her freshly claimed property could not offer resistance in any way, while we made out for a long, long time. Well first she was just tonguefucking my innards, but once I recovered my whereabouts from her forceful impact and my being rammed into a tree trunk with every milligram of stunningly, astonishingly beautiful Kanner's autie girl (she was pretty petite, curvy but in a sexy way, not fat, just well designed on the drawing board, but small and young or not, she had a long run-up and a lot of momentum adding to her basic kinetic energy, and she really did hit me HARD. Never had a girl make an advance on me like that before, or since!)

    It was a whirlwind romance, fiery, passionate, deeply, deeply loving and EXTREMELY intense. I cannot even begin to render into words the sheer forcefulness of our love, all I can say, is that it was the joyful adoration given to one half of a single soul, split at birth into two fragments when the two halves of the one being in two bodies are reunited. We were engaged to each other very fast, I proposed in, IIRC a bit over a week. To which she delightedly squeaked out a 'yes' answer, hand-flapping and hopping up and down sexily as while she told me she would marry me. I had bought her an engagement ring, a gold band with a central large, deep blue sapphire surrounded by smaller diamonds in a ring around the sapphire, to reflect in the deep blue, the great depths of her warm, loving, beautiful gift to the world which is her personality, mind, heart and soul, and to at least try and offer a simile for the great beauty of her physical body (by this time, we REALLY were so far past either of us giving a fuck about each other's age that it was a non-issue. I only had a momentary 'are you serious, cazzie? after she had finished her body-slamming and spleenfucking/making out together for as long as we could breathe, when she then told me her name and age, when I asked, Just taken aback somewhat for a moment, but even then, I realized that this had been no ordinary encounter, that we weren't two people at all, but a soul inhabited by two bodies that must be united to properly function, to be whole.

    I could feel that the subtle hand of destiny had in this case decided to get the not very subtle steel toe capped boots of destinys bigger, not very subtle at all dirty great big sod of a big brother and shove us together (literally) whilst shouting 'GET THE FUCK TOGETHER, NEVER MIND SHE IS A 14yo GIRL, FUCKING DO WHAT SHE TELLS YOU YOU ARE GOING TO DO, AND ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE HER FUCKING PROPERTY, IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN, I'LL TURN YOU INTO AN NT FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS AS PUNISHMENT YOU FUCK, NOW HURRY THE BLEEDING CHRIST UP WITH IT AND GET YOUR TONGUE AS FAR DOWN *HER* WINDPIPE AS HER'S IS DOWN YOUR'S! NOT IN A MOMENT, NOT TOMORROW, GET IT FUCKING DOWN THERE YESTERDAY AND GET YOUR HANDS AND ARMS ALL OVER THAT 14YO BODY ALREADY! SHE IS SEXY AS HELL AND AUTISTIC< WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKIN' WANT?

    And so it was. With their only ever being two other age related issues, one being that she told me to do something to her sexually, whilst we were in public, on a train station bench, and I couldn't possibly comply. I'd have done it in a femtosecond and had her howling my name if it hadn't been in public, with cameras, that could prove it and get me arrested and convicted of staturory 'rape' (IMO if the relationship is not exploitative, and there is indeed a genuine, mutual, equal love between two people, and the one asks (or tells) the other loved one to do something to them, that, assuming both have mental capacity, that equals explicit consent. And the consent shown by slamming someone into a tree trunk, tongue-raping them to the point I could have called the cops on HER, and informing them that they are now her property and her loved one. That they exist for her, that is prreeeettty strong implied consent. Not to mention all the times we each couldn't wait to see the other again, that parting ways was like being physically ripped into two pieces down the middle, that just to be unable to hear her voice was unbearable pain, actual physical pain, and that despite being TOLD that I existed for her, I had no will to say otherwise. I DID exist for the reason of bringing her world joy, and that I found every last little hand-flap or speshul-ed sounding vocal modulation of hers something that would bring shivers of ecstasy howling up and down my spinal cord like a high voltage electric charge, minus the pain and thermoelectric damage.

    And the last age anything, was to be the first time she brought me home and introduced me to her mom. That made me a fair bit nervous given I was lot older, she was special ed, and my fiancee was bringing home a big guy dressed in combat pants, big, bulky steel spiked, huge, heavy black leather and steel plate newrock goth boots, a leather trenchcoat, leather bands round one wrist with steel spikes in them, whilst on the other, a leather bracer with steel studs, along with a steel spike in my lower lip, and a heavy leather collar I wore for her, both for her pleasure and as a sign that I belonged to her absolutely and utterly.

    That was the only other moment regarding age that ever existed. To have to come to a total stranger, and explain that the much older man speaking to the stranger that I am her darling precious really young special-needs daughter's husband to be the nanosecond that she reaches 16 and becomes legal to marry and the moment after the b/day, probably timing it so she'd technically become legal right as we enter the building of a church or registry office, and doing my best to assure her mother, who might have heard about me or might not, I didn't know at all, what Cazzie had told her mom, if anything whatsoever; that whilst there was the age difference and yes, its technically speaking, illegal, that all the same, I loved her daughter more dearly than I valued my own life itself, and that if it were called upon, for me to have to, I would willingly die to protect her, and regret only that I couldn't still be there afterwards to comfort her, and to still share in the life of the one who I treasured above all things and all people.

    She believed me, at least, was willing to extend me the courtesy of not instantly calling the cops, or booting me out of the house, trying to split us up etc. Did of course seem a bit wary at first, but she got used to me, goth rocker ubiquitously dressed in black and leathers and steel spikes, piercings and tattooed or otherwise (well, not otherwise, just leather -shelled, spiked and pierced/tattooed), it must have become obvious to her mom that I truly was devoted to her daughter, and would indeed honour the word I gave her mom, that I'd die for the girl if I had to do so. We were just inseparable and nothing short of a fusion-bomb blast would tear us from one another.

    All couples argue, right? well not us. We had one, and it was to be our last. She told me something awful, and I'd just got out of a horrible relationship with an NT female, a nasty one too, whole situation was unbearable, and Cazzie, the young, but all the same fucking well ubersexy, snuggly, loving, funny and warm, wonderful woman who had become my fiancee and the reason for my living and breathing....fucking hell....even my passion for chemistry, whilst of course I still pursued said hobby, as I hve since I first could put together the rudiments of a lab, to the point where I have a rather fine set of equipment and chemical resources, and things like say, red or white phosphorus, nigh any solvent I could wish for, nitroethane, acetic anhydride, hydride reducing agents, acid chlorides, alkyl/aryl halides, lumps of alkali metals the size of a house brick, if I wanted that much, packed in multi-layered thick walled plastic liners full of inert gas before a final thick plastic layer, like all the rest, heat-sealed shut, surrounded the block of metal covered in heavy mineral oil...more or less if I want it, and I have the money to pay the price of the item and any shipping, if there be any, then I can have it. SOCl2? pyridine? exotic substituted benzaldehyde precursors for phenethylamines and other of Sasha Shulgin's creations, common or rare? no problem, just get onto my contacts and ask them. Even this love of my life, it took second place to the first and most vitally important one, that kinky wee autie bombshell, Cazzie.

    Never argued but the once. And having had her just get me out of the previous awful relationship, after what she said she had done, I rabbitted, and left. We stayed friends, I couldn't not love her no matter what. But my email address was locked out on me, and my phone stolen by chavscum after being attacked and the cunts smashed it, and thus we were forcibly deprived of the ability to contact each other.

    If that hadn't supervened, I am as sure as I can be that I would be with her now. As things turned out though, those two events did happen, and we lost contact.

    It has literally, ripped my soul, or the half of our soul which resides in my body, to tattered bleeding shreds of raw meat, covered in quicklime and salted. Even getting closer to a decade and a half later, and my last seeing her at 14, I still love her every bit as deeply and as dearly as I did when she first allowed me the privilege of speaking her name,and given the chance I would ignore the pain from my damged joints, and go down kneeling on both knees, damaged one included, to beg for her forgiveness for panicking and not just saying to think nothing of it, just don't do it to me again, and to beg for the chance to prove that I am still deeply in love with her, that she would have somebody who exists for a chance to make her happy and to shine light and love upon her wonderful world with its gorgeous autie lady inhabitant.

    I've been trying to track her down, and found one way I MIGHT be able to. MIGHT being the operative word. This of course I will do. And yes, if she is with someone, despite the fact I do not normally act in such a competitive way in the matters of love, I'll go all out, to prove to her that I can and will make her happier, bring her better in life, than any other man or woman ever could. Because I know it, I know it as deeply as I know what my favouite scents in the lab are, or my most treasured piece of glassware, favourite reactions and reagents as well as my least favourite ones. And I've been an autodidact scientist a VERY long time, relative to the total time I have lived since first popping out of womb. (or possibly a bioreactor of synthetic protein-based suspension fluid mixed with perfluorocarbon emulsion for greater O2 transport efficiency)


    Anyway, since losing the love of my life, my soulmate and one most dear and valuable to me, I have been unable to date. I've been in two long distance relationships, both ended without being able to meet although friendships formed, in one case, after by chance talking in PM to a BL'er, we ended up as best friends, probably the best friend I have, and who I'd trust with my life, after we both found each other was autistic as well, found we got along great. We tried to date, but it couldn't be. Again, another long distance one, but that aside, she couldn't come here either, even if I paid her air fare, because the woman, a 54yo classically autistic woman, very well spoken and sharp of intellect, as well as both speshul as hell and one SERIOUSLY foxy little firecracker of a woman, she had some serious health problems. Was a mother of three (now adult mind you so that wasn't the issue, and it didn't put me off her, not in the slightest).

    And one physically present relationship, not long after I stupidly left Cazz, which was a fucking abysmal disaster.

    I just can't do it. If it isn't her, its...well as I said, we are not two people, we are two physical shells, each housing a facet of the soul of the one individual.

    And it broke me inside. It ravaged, tore through and utterly destroyed me. She has whatever is left my soul, spirit or whatever you want to call it, for she possessed the lion's share, so deeply did L give myself over to her in adoration.

    Whatever still remains of it, is the part that is with her. is that which survives. Otherwise, I have been scooped out, hollowed out and emptied just as surely as a melon after somebody removes the seeds and devours the last scraps leaving nothing but rind and a bit of stalk left behind.

    I fear if I cannot locate her, and even if I can't get her back, if I a least can make things right between us, lay devils to rest, if that makes sense, an let her know what happened and why, and if she won't/can't give me her half of our soul, then at least, for her to do her best to restore to me that part of what survives in her of the half that this body was born with, then whilst I think a wounded spirit can with the right circumstances, regenerate, revive and become stronger, something which has been destroyed, annihilated, and made less than nothing, utterly and totally wiped out of existence, that is beyond restoration. For after all, even the strongest things have their points of no return. And I am COMPLETELY certain, that as things are, or without her (in which case I know my spirit wouldn't just have to suckle and teethe until it could stand, before slowly going on to solid food....it'd be getting an injection of soul-steroids and a huge set of weights, which it would unceasingly lift, for all time save that to be spent with the one I love so fucking damn cunting much, and who I can not tolerate the agony of being apart from any longer.

    Truly, I do not understand how I have made it this long after being so grievously wounded. I'm surprised I managed two days, never mind endured existence continuing as long as I've had to tolerate it.


    So what the fuck do I do? A man's shoulders can bear only so much before his spine will snap and his buden will kill him. The same goes for a man's willpower, which right now is the only thing keeping this meat shell from collapsing physically and dying.
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    #2
    Bluelighter w01fg4ng's Avatar
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    For all you know she could be legally plotting to press charges to give you some real time, and rightfully so.

    Consider moving off grid. Consider getting a therapist. Definitely stay away from minors.
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    #3
    She would NEVER do such a thing. And I don't usually go for minors. I have never done so before or since. This particular girl, was special. And RIGHTFULLY? you mean I deserve to be treated the same way as the filthy fucking dirtbags who target, falsely gain the trust of then rape little kids?

    Fuck off.

    For one, she wasn't a little kid. Young, yes, but NOT a child. A teen, and she knew EXACTLY what she was doing and she had made it about as clear as possible, that she hadn't the least intention of giving me any say in the matter. Hell, had I wished it, I could have, at the first onset of her coming on to me, if thats quite the right word for going as far and as hard as she did, called the filth on HER. I didn't, because despite the way she went about things, I realized straight away that the two of us were meant to be. We really were perfect for each other, in a way nobody else I've ever dated before has ever come within interstellar distances of even being able to view via gravitational lensing. There was just some sort of pull between us, and a bond tighter than anything you could imagine.

    Exploit? FUCK NO! the thought makes me not only sick, but in fact, if someone did that to her, I wouldn't have hesitated, the moment she let me know, to tool up, go out and carve them slowly into shreds of not-quite-dead-yet twitching meat-like material. Anybody who would lay a finger on that lady in anything but a gesture of respect, would have me to deal with, and I would not be forgiving, but were I to be explicitly countermanded by her order not to harm them then. I'd still ask her if I could do so at a more opportune time, and if it was something really beyond not highly respectful, I might even have gone against her wishes, as difficult as it would be, and torn their arse inside out so I could shove it over their face and suffocate them in their own rectum.

    Do you really think, that if I was just out to find some young girl to have sex with, that not only would they more or less attack me, before even saying a word to me, that I would fall so deeply in love, and she with me, without in any way being 'baited', bar with respect, the return of the love she gave willingly to me, or that I would not only propose to her, fully intending to spend the rest of my days with her, until the day I died, and that bar overt public sexual activity we could, or rather I could, get in legal shit for, I attempted to hide nothing? (not counting snuggling up together and kissing, making out etc, I mean, blatant 'lets get it on' sort of ideas, coming from either or both parties at once [and damned if she didn't know some pretty filthy, kinky stuff, she used to write and I hope, still does, trek fanfic, and some of that...lets just say she put a few ideas into my head about acts I'd never even heard of let alone tried before Cazz came along], because she was more than likely to propose the dirtiest stuff the most often). If I were out to exploit her, you really think I would willingly allow her to take me to her place, so I could meet her mother, and so she could meet me? that I'd introduce myself as her future husband?

    Not just willingly in fact. If she hadn't suggested it first, I would have insisted on it, because I needed her to know that her daughter was being loved, valued and respected by her fiancee, I risked walking into a call to the pigs to do it, too. Because as I said, I knew nothing at all, of what Cazz had said of me to her mother, IF she had even said anything at all. But I thought it important. And a mark of respect.

    Does that sound like the behaviour of someone to exploit someone for their age? someone who doesn't go otherwise for young girls, and has no desire to seek such. And for those who do grow bloated on the innocence of the young, (not that she'd know the meaning of the word 'innocent'. Not outside the context of being snarky about it or putting on a smile intended to pass herself off as being so at any rate. You'd have to have met her to know her properly, she looked like an angel (albeit a smokin' hot one) but under that exterior, that smoke and fire? it was coming from an archdevil. A flappy, stimmy, twirling, nuclear holocaust firestorm of an arch-daemonesse. You cannot even begin to imagine, some of the degrees of 'DAMN that is fucked UP babe! I can't! not here, now, people would kill me on the spot before I ever saw trial, we have to wait until we get to your place' (and yes, her mom knew full well that we weren't waiting in dainty, courtly sainthood for the day we could marry, and that there was a reason she often dragged me at a running pace through the front door and straight to the ladder leading to the converted loft that she had for a bedroom, and cannot possibly have known that, thought, instead of 'they are going up there and staying there for hours, while he's already ripping off his trench or biker jacket and reaching for his top before she's even dragged him up the ladder part way'....I'm not stupid, I know what they are going somewhere private and intimate for' but 'they must be going up there to play origami, and he must simply be taking his jacket and top off because he is too warm, coming in from the howling winter blizzard, while he waits for his prayers to baby jesus to warm his soul'.

    Somehow, I don't think so. She knew that we were enough to warm one another's souls in the absence of anything remotely biblical, at least unless its forbidden in the ten commandments or Leviticus...

    A pervert, would hide from such openness, would they not? No, we didn't jump each other right there and then the moment we got in the house right in front of her mother's eyes. But if we had, that would be grossly disrespectful of her mom, hell, its considered pretty disrespectful for people of any age and relation to one another to just start getting off with each other and shoving it in other people's faces. And NOBODY is going do want to do such a thing with their MOTHER of all people staring at them getting steamy with their other half are they?

    Because that is so many kinds of fucked up, if someone did, I can't even begin to list half of them. Legally plotting to press charges? you are one blind stupid bastard if you think so. And if you'd have known her, or known the pair of us when we were together, you would never even contemplate the existence of such a concept. And wait from when I was 19 to 32?.

    I don't need a fucking therapist you idiot. I'm gutted, because I lost the love of my life. Would I seek minors? NO. This single, specific individual, intending to marry her, have kids when we got quite a bit older us both, with stable incomes, home of our own, and spend the rest of my life dedicated to her? absolutely. I'd do it then, would have done it then but for the fucked up circumstances of our being torn from one another, prevented not by our own free wills, but by circumstance, inflicted by chavscum who had hated me since I was a little kid, probably just because I was/am autistic, pikey trash are, well, trash, like that.

    And I'd have accepted her if she had knocked me senseless and dragged me away this morning. Why? because that woman is my soulmate. Someone, the ONLY one, who has been ever, ever able to make me feel truly alive and whole, or able to stir in me what she was capable of raising up. Cazzie...she was...something else entirely. Fey, kinda spooky even and with the ability to without any manipulation or anything untrustworthy on her part, to put such a hold over me that I could think of nothing else bar making her happy, when we were together. When we were apart. It was HOW to make her happy the next time we met up, as well as missing her like a cut off arm or leg. Threw myself into the lab, spent most nights buried in my experiments and syntheses just to try and get a little time with my own self, not that the other half of my soul wasn't always welcome in spirit as well as in body besides me. But its true, I couldn't get her out of my mind.

    And since we have been apart, all these years, there hasn't been a single day when I haven't felt as though I were being skinned alive by mourning and regret, my heart and spirit both hollowed and ripped out by the lack of her warm, gentle (well, sometimes gentle, she could get pretty rough, although not in a nasty, violent way) arm around my back, the absence of her spesh-sounding vocal modulation, her kinda odd prosody and the prettiness of her voice. The way she was always so flappy and stimmy when she was really delighted at something. Sharing our mutual like of star trek...I bet now, if only it had not been cut too short between us, we'd be husband and wife now, I know it in fact. Right now, we would be putting our feet up, snuggled up on the sofa impatiently grumbling together about the fact that it's going to be a bit more than another half hour before the TOS and TNG double bill comes on, and I noticed her taking an appreciative stance on some of my chemistry amusements, the typical alkali metals in water, chucking a metal can full of thionyl chloride with a hole punched into the top into water, things that went 'boom' and the usual sort of thing that white phosphorus gets used for in the above sort of context. I reckon I'd have fostered an interest in science as an art and skillset too, and she'd be my lab partner, as well as life partner. It would have been, would still be, an honour to have her there, working besides me.
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    #4
    Bluelighter w01fg4ng's Avatar
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    rightfully so, yes
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    #5
    Bluelighter Larimar's Avatar
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    You told that big long descriptive story but totally skipped over the part of why you guys got in a fight and separated? Yeah i think that's an important piece to the puzzle. With the internet you should be able to find her nowadays with her full name and mothers name , their old address etc. Sometimes things that intense aren't supposed to last don't waste your life in the past .
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    #6
    Bluelighter SamanthaB's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Larimar View Post
    You told that big long descriptive story but totally skipped over the part of why you guys got in a fight and separated? Yeah i think that's an important piece to the puzzle. With the internet you should be able to find her nowadays with her full name and mothers name , their old address etc. Sometimes things that intense aren't supposed to last don't waste your life in the past .
    Hi,

    I agree with the above posted response. There is a lot missing in your long narrative. I am not sure why you left a lot of important information out.

    If you really want to find her you can. If you don't now how to do that via the internet, ask some of your friends to help you. However, you may not be prepared for what you find. She was 14 when you met. I am not sure how old you were when you broke up. If you reach a dead end and never find her, and even if you do, I think you probably need a therapist so you can discuss this further and move forward. More than likely this was not meant to be or it would have.

    Good luck with this. I can feel your pain, but it will just keep you stuck if you do not do something to get yourself off dead center.
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    #7
    She told me she cheated on me, although didn't say how. I didn't say so at first, because I didn't wish to make her look in any way bad. Because she really, really isn't a bad girl, she was..is, the most wonderful woman I've ever known.

    Can't exactly remember whether I was on the side of 18 or 19 when we got together, but 19 when I made that STUPID fucking moron mistake. I don't even know if I believe she did cheat on me. And even if I'd have had someone catch it on video and send it me, I'd have burnt it after seeing it. But thats it. If only I hadn't been in that awful, awful other creature's tentacles beforehand, the NT woman/C'thulhu moonlighting as a dog and working weekends for the devil, and if I'd just been a bit older, and more measured in the way I assess and consider things as I am now. My emotions got the better of me and that fucking primitive fight or flight response took over. And of course, I would never, ever, EVER have picked 'fight' in the sense fight-or-flight refers to with her, I couldn't, I couldn't lift a finger against someone I love, and especially not when I burn for her like a fucking plasma torch.

    And I know, that all this time later, I could find out, even, she could have been married. If so (assuming its not to a genuinely bad person, an abusive scumbag etc., not that I can picture her tolerating someone abusive for a moment, even at 14, she was pretty fierce. Never showed that side of her in anger directed against me, and I don't count the using me as a battering ram to try and knock that tree down before the tongue-raping, that was romantic, not violent abuse, and something I'd not for a moment try to discourage. Anyone that tried knocking her around, I've seen what she CAN unleash though if she actually chooses to, and its like watching a hurricane rampage over a paper thin wasp nest, more than a fight. Only ever seen her kick off like that the once, the time there was the guy in the way between us the day we met, looked in his 20s, early 20s, but she just mowed him down like an oncoming tank.

    Surreal sight, watching this small, petite woman who came up to about mid chest height on me at the time crush this big guy as if he were no larger than a mosquito. Feisty little firecracker and then some. Shouldn't have dropped him , of course, I mean, she could have told him to get out of the way, but at least it gives me confidence that she'd not suffer some piece of trash to abuse her.

    If she is single, or else unmarried, I'm prepared to fight for her, in the sense of laying out what I have to offer her as a partner, and what I feel for her still, have felt for her since she first whacked me with that tree and ate me for breakfast. Hell, maybe I do need a shrink, maybe she knocked the sense out of me and it never returned, lol :P

    But in seriousness, no, I don't think so. Because I have my faculties and I am not stupid.

    As far as addresses, that is not something I have, I had all the details stored on computer, and my mobile. I wasn't expecting my email address to be taken down, to be jacked by chavscum days after and have my phone smashed, and have HD fail. I sure as hell have been looking online, search engines etc.

    We kind of used each other to navigate to one another's addresses, because we have pretty abysmal sense of direction.

    I'm prepared for whatever I find, other than for her to be in an abusive relationship. Because that I could never be prepared for, not and to leave the bastard with his arms and legs and teeth, dick and eyeballs in any of their original locations. I'd probably fucking kill them in a case like that.

    If I did succeed in finding her again, I don't see why I'd need a therapist. Pretty sure we'd end up as good friends, if it could not be, that we would be together again. If we could, then obviously I'm not gonna need a therapist. Her mother's first name I don't know, always addressed her as miss (last name) (I never met her father, and she didn't talk about him either, I don't think he was around. I knew she would volunteer the information if she wanted to talk about it, because she knew that there was nothing in this world, nothing, that I wouldn't give her my ear for.

    I just wish I'd not made that mistake. More than anything. I couldn't even stay upset with her for more than a day, maybe two. I was upset, but because we were apart. And I would have come running back and done anything to have her back probably days after we lost contact, I already wanted to, after we spent a little while apart, but as friends, it was just..well, I was glad we were friends, and talked. But it was such a crushing, gut-wrenching, soul destroying thing to be anywhere but at her side. I can't even put into words what it is or was like. No closer than to compare it to losing both arms, eyes and legs and ending up as a quadriplegic blind man.

    And wolfg4ng, why? explain yourself. Because what is lawful or unlawful does not always quantify what is morally right or wrong. The nazis made it the letter of the law to turn in jews, didn't they? countries the world over persecute and fuck people's lives up for getting caught using, supplying or manufacturing drugs even now. Its barbaric in both instances, is it not? yet both are the law as written.

    We have a saying here, that 'sometimes, the law is an ass'. And it can be, it can be the letter of the law and either be outright wrong, or else not one-size-fits-all.

    Yeah, some 19yo guys might well be out for one thing only from a girl Cazz's age, not that I honestly think they'd get anywhere but hurt, with her in particular. She is autistic, not stupid. and she really isn't the type to do anything by half measures. The moment she got wind of something like that, the idiot dumb enough to try it would end up found floating up from the bottom of a lake with his arms and legs broken, when eventually he bloated enough to come popping back up, despite the load of bricks tied onto them. I don't sympathize in the slightest bit with paedophiles, hell, I've kicked the fuck out of a convicted child rapist before once. And I don't sympathize with ephebophiles either. I'm not sexually attracted to young teens. I was sexually attracted, to one, very specific individual who happened to be a teen. I'd have been insane for her whether she had been 14, 13, or 50. It was the woman I loved, not the age. The best part about her age, from my point of view, was that being younger, that could potentially, hopefully have meant that she would live longer and as a result we could have had a greater number of years together. More years with a celebration to throw for her and emphasize the wonderful fact of her walking this earth.

    Sometimes, the law can be, sometimes right, sometimes not morally wrong in its spirit, but for specific instances its spirit fails due to the letter, if that makes sense. If two people who know what's what, in terms of consent, romantic and sexual interactions, if both genuinely desire and love the other, are in a committed relationship together and mean the world to each other, when there is nothing exploitative going on and nor would there ever be, why ought the law have anything to do with things? that, to me, is the business of the two people involved and not of law enforcement. Nothing to do with them, nobody was being harmed or hurt, nobody was being exploited, it was just two people who were batshit crazy for each other, an engaged couple where one member of them happened to be unusually and highly atypically, uniquely young in years for anyone I've ever dated. Or been attracted to. And who I'd have been just as in love with, had she been my her age, a year younger, 20, 30, 50...of course, I'm going to be more enthusiastic the more physically attractive someone is, if I am dating them. But I would have been just as in love no matter her age, although I couldn't have gone below 13, not with an actual child. That would go against every instinct I have. Although so does the thought of her laying claim to me and my trying to put up resistance. That, too, it goes against the very marrow of my bones, every fiber of my being, in as strong a way as my desire to see paedophiles burnt alive on the cross. Because I'm sure as fuck not one. I viscerally hate the fucking cunts. Would have no problem butchering one. Thats how much such evil goes against my nature. And just as much, how alien the mere concept of having tried to get away from her that day, or would be now, is.

    I hadn't realized, you know, until just a moment ago, although I certainly knew that my feelings for her have from the first attosecond been extremely strong, but how shockingly...alien...the idea of her making a pass at me/pouncing on me and trying to get out of it, it just made me think, when I wrote 'even if I had...' etc. (I'll keep it to the once, for practicality's sake), it was alien, it just felt WRONG, right through to the very core of me, and actually, literally, physically pretty difficult to type, I had to try several times, erased it, got part way through it, crawlingly slowly, and bit by bit, managed to get the words down on screen.

    And I actually feel nauseous and shaky. Damn. Even I hadn't realized how strong that bond was, still is.

    I already have worried an awful lot about this thought, but that makes my blood run as cold as liquid helium; the concern I already had that she could have undergone a similarly soul-destroying emptiness, living for over a decade and a half, but, the way wolfg4ng just made me have to type..that...wrongness....that just makes me worry that it could have hurt her even worse, to be apart, than it could have been thought. I've got to say one other thing, but that is bringing tears to my eyes, so I have to keep it short and to the point.

    Wolfg4ng:before you seek to heap condemnation upon my head, why don't you stop for a moment and look at things logically.

    I think we can agree on one thing as axiomatic. That the wrongdoing, evil abuser seeks to take from his or her victim (yes female ones exist, although are far more uncommon than males, but they do exist), that which they get off on, by whatever means necessary, be it manipulation, coercion or outright brute force, even murder at times. And that they do it for their own gratification. This, in the case of a child abuser is also tied to their BEING either a child, or in the case of an ephebophile, a teen of young age.

    Logically, if they were still involved in abusing someone and they got too old to continue being a source of gratification to their sick fuck twisted drives, they wouldn't be any point, to the abuser, in continuing on with it, to someone who no longer served their whims, would there?

    So, think about it...she'd be (I'm useless at math) in her early to early mid 20s by now. And if I was a dirty pervert (in that sense), then there would be no reason for me to either be utterly devastated, so many years later, OR to seek her out now, would there??

    She'd be too old for me to be gratified by her age if I was some pervert, and an abuser, is by their very nature, a selfish noxious little fuck who thinks about themselves. They certainly don't live to elevate and celebrate the worth of their victim. They rob them of what is rightfully theirs, to take for themselves. Not live for somebody they love above all other things and people, themselves included.

    Shit, even chemistry took a back seat to the only other love in my life when we were together. Still did my experiments and synths, but for that to happen, its otherwise absolutely unthinkable, for me, I've been, well, more than a chem hobbyist, since I was a little kid and began teaching myself, I'm an autie chem hobbyist..and when you put the two together, forget kid's chemistry set, think 'spends hundreds of pounds a month, sometimes several thousand pounds on a single piece of equipment. So you can imagine how easily something I'm that enthusiastic about will sit there and take a back seat as love in my live no. II.

    (because with her, there'd never even be the idea of a second living human being in that role)

    When you actually look at it logically, and think about cause and effect, and motivations of both abusers and people who are in genuine, mutual love, it does not match up with my being some pervert and my making a thread with this sort of problem in the first place, does it?
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    #8
    Bluelighter w01fg4ng's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Limpet_Chicken View Post
    look at things logically
    Quote Originally Posted by Limpet_Chicken View Post
    I'm useless at math
    ...
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    #9
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    I mean, meeting someone and proposing after seven days is a bit extreme don't you think? The fact that she was 14 at the time is also quite concerning, but putting that aside - the kid you knew is not the person she is today a decade and a half later. You're pining over a feeling, not a person. You felt good with this girl, and in your mind, you blew it up into something that it most certainly was not.

    The fact that you have been unable to date for so many years has nothing to do with her/the loss of her, and everything to do with you and your issues imo.

    How long were you two together before she cheated on you?

    I agree with the therapy suggestion.
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    Hi Again Limpet Chicken,

    These are the last things I will say on this subject to you. You can spin this any way you want to make yourself sound logical, coherent, rational and lawful. However, she was 14 and you were 18-19. She "cheated" on you and you are obsessed with a fantasy. She, I am sure, could have gotten in contact with you (assuming she knew where you lived, etc. etc.). Do you REALLY think that a 14 year old girl would know at that age what she wanted for the rest of her life??? More than likely she "cheated" on you cause she was 14, and in all probability, wanted to date someone else, which at that age was perfectly normal. She obviously did not feel the same way about you as you did about her. In fact, what she did so appalled you that you broke things off with her. At that point you were thinking clearly. Since, a few days after that, you have not. If you feel that there is no way to find her, which I picked up from your last narrative, get that therapist, hash this out and find out what is keeping you from moving forward. You have your whole life ahead of you. You only get one, so don't waste it on a "what could have been."
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    #11
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    First off, dude you write some long ass posts! I haven't taken the time to read every word of every one but I do believe Samantha is pretty much on point. I was going to mention it as well but the things she happened to be doing at 14 were very impetuous and frankly immature. She seemed to be in the "if it feels good, then do it" phase. The truth is that you could have been arrested and put away for a very long time, whether you wish to acknowledge it or not. Man, do some soul searching and seriously think about reorganizing your life. Good luck!
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    This is really long....WAAY TOO LONG.

    You should do a tl;dr for... everyone else. If you want more replies....

    It also might be important for you to read your summary, find the IMPORTANT key points, summarize, take out any unnecessary details, and include the important information that users are reporting missing.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mel22 View Post
    I mean, meeting someone and proposing after seven days is a bit extreme don't you think? The fact that she was 14 at the time is also quite concerning, but putting that aside - the kid you knew is not the person she is today a decade and a half later. You're pining over a feeling, not a person. You felt good with this girl, and in your mind, you blew it up into something that it most certainly was not.

    The fact that you have been unable to date for so many years has nothing to do with her/the loss of her, and everything to do with you and your issues imo.

    How long were you two together before she cheated on you?

    I agree with the therapy suggestion.
    this

    dating issues and autism are to do with the autism

    it makes dating hard because why bother? the whole thing feels so fake and inefficient

    anyway you are pining over teen infatuation which is ridiculous

    we all had those feelings but they were only that intense because we were young and they were new

    as you get older things get more realistic, boring and settled and that teen excitement is less common mainly because its a feeling that cant last
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    #14
    To do with the autism? lol, if you've met one autie/aspie, then you've met one autie/aspie. There are certainly commonalities, but don't believe all the stereotypes you read or hear. A lot of them are utter bollocks.
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    #15
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    ^trust me it creates problems in relationships and dating- this is not to do with stereotypes, its to do with logic

    actual dating and relationships involve and depend so much on social interaction and guessing what the other person is thinking


    problems:

    not appreciating what the partner might be feeling or thinking

    body language issues while dating

    obsessing over some concept of a fantasy (this is whats happening here)

    not being able to read when someone isn't into you

    the list is long and the problems affect non-autitistics too but they are accentuated with autism
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    #16
    It depends, I suppose. Does happen, although going from past experience, I'd say more when its a relationship between autie/aspie and NT. NTs depend a lot more on nonverbal communication (not counting sign languages, such as a friend of mine with Rett syndrome uses when she goes nonverbal [although usually she has a hell of a mouth on her, quite hilarious at times the way she has at savaging the curebie, autism speaks types, but when stressed to breaking point uses ASL, but here I mean more the everyday body cues NTs seem so highly dependent on]

    When its two people on the spectrum, we are, at least in my experience, more likely to dispense with that kind of crap for the most part, especially if we know the other isn't adapted to using it as a native language, and be more likely, if we want the partner to know what we are thinking/feeling, to tell them, same goes for body language. No real need for it to any great extent when you can just say whatever it is you intend to communicate.

    And reading when someone isn't into you, that isn't a problem I've ever had when dating on the spectrum, its always been a case of just popping the question, either someone is, or they aren't.

    And I REALLY don't see the logic in guessing what people are thinking, in such a context. Quite the opposite in fact. Because guessing is forming a conclusion based on one's own perception of the mental state of another party, and as such, has significant chance for error, whilst asking the other party and having it from their own mouth reduces the potential for error to a fraction of what taking a stab at it does. If the other party tells you themselves, then the information received is going to, more than likely, be correct.

    I've often found it to be the case that between two people on the spectrum, the logistics of communication used by NTs, either among themselves or bidirectionally, between an NT and someone on the spectrum, it tends to go to shit. I could compare it to speaking a foreign language, albeit of an atypical, non-grammatical kind, I speak ASL as a second language myself, although I'm not nearly as fluent as I am in english and that similar kinds of confusion arise when speaking with someone a lot more fluent.

    Body language is a lot less of an issue though when neither party is much concerned with it.
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    #17
    Should have added nomatter what, this girl, she was the love of my life, no matter what, noone has ever come within a thousand miles of this specific woman ever has.
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    #18
    Bluelighter
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    IDK what to tell you man. I still have the hots for her even tho its been years. Couldn't even perform right when I found a nice hooker on the track the other night. She was beautiful too, dunno what is wrong with me.
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    #19
    I have absolutely NO interest in hookers myself.

    I don't sleep with people I am not in a committed, loving relationship with. Never have been the sort to do that myself. There is just nothing in it for me unless that is the case, Have had more casual sex before, although even then, I was in a relationship with the girl at the time. Didn't work out in the end. Was NT, and more than a light sprinkling of squirrely in the head.

    Too much of a mental case to keep it going, and besides, she was NT, was in my younger days when I still thought there might be some point in dating off the spectrum, so there just wasn't that...that spark, you know what I mean? the fire wasn't there.
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    #20
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    I dont have interest in them either i just forced myself to do it to see if i felt better. I felt worse so idk. I think i just like the company
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    #21
    I've always found the idea quite revolting actually. Never have been one for casual involvements with anyone.

    To put it bluntly, if I wanted a cheap ass piece of meat, I could buy a piece of beef from tesco and bore a hole through it with the drill press

    At least then, I'd know where it had been. And besides, how many autie hookers can there be around? and if I did meet one, I wouldn't want to take advantage, it'd be screwing over my own kind; idea leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
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