Limpet_Chicken
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2005
- Messages
- 6,323
Could use some advice on this.
I'll give a little background, won''t tell the whole story again, that was in 'worst breakups'
Because it really, really is the worst. The single worst thing ever to have taken place in my life, even serving a jail term, or coming close to a heart attack and going into cardiogenic shock, after developing a sinus tachyarrhythmia, neither, not even ending up clinically dead and having to be brought back, has come even close to the unutterable agony and horror of my loss.
For this woman, young for dating, and even younger for dating me, given I was 19, probably going on 20 at the time, and she was 14, and I don't know for how long she had been. But, we met, and she came on to me in a way that made quite clear that it wasn't an offer I couldn't refuse, more 'we are classically autistic bombshell sexpot drop dead sexy kinkstress; resistance is futile, you will be assimilated'
And, assimilated I most certainly was. She just beat the fuck out of some big guy for getting in between her charge towards me, for slowiing her down and for being in the way, before crashing into me full fucking force, putting everything she had into body-slamming me into a tree. Really didn't even try to pull her punch, she just shot straight into me and began to explore all my internal organs with her tongue. Didn't ask if she could, didn't even SPEAK to me, not a word, just slammed into me, knocked me into next week making sure her freshly claimed property could not offer resistance in any way, while we made out for a long, long time. Well first she was just tonguefucking my innards, but once I recovered my whereabouts from her forceful impact and my being rammed into a tree trunk with every milligram of stunningly, astonishingly beautiful Kanner's autie girl (she was pretty petite, curvy but in a sexy way, not fat, just well designed on the drawing board, but small and young or not, she had a long run-up and a lot of momentum adding to her basic kinetic energy, and she really did hit me HARD. Never had a girl make an advance on me like that before, or since!)
It was a whirlwind romance, fiery, passionate, deeply, deeply loving and EXTREMELY intense. I cannot even begin to render into words the sheer forcefulness of our love, all I can say, is that it was the joyful adoration given to one half of a single soul, split at birth into two fragments when the two halves of the one being in two bodies are reunited. We were engaged to each other very fast, I proposed in, IIRC a bit over a week. To which she delightedly squeaked out a 'yes' answer, hand-flapping and hopping up and down sexily as while she told me she would marry me. I had bought her an engagement ring, a gold band with a central large, deep blue sapphire surrounded by smaller diamonds in a ring around the sapphire, to reflect in the deep blue, the great depths of her warm, loving, beautiful gift to the world which is her personality, mind, heart and soul, and to at least try and offer a simile for the great beauty of her physical body (by this time, we REALLY were so far past either of us giving a fuck about each other's age that it was a non-issue. I only had a momentary 'are you serious, cazzie? after she had finished her body-slamming and spleenfucking/making out together for as long as we could breathe, when she then told me her name and age, when I asked, Just taken aback somewhat for a moment, but even then, I realized that this had been no ordinary encounter, that we weren't two people at all, but a soul inhabited by two bodies that must be united to properly function, to be whole.
I could feel that the subtle hand of destiny had in this case decided to get the not very subtle steel toe capped boots of destinys bigger, not very subtle at all dirty great big sod of a big brother and shove us together (literally) whilst shouting 'GET THE FUCK TOGETHER, NEVER MIND SHE IS A 14yo GIRL, FUCKING DO WHAT SHE TELLS YOU YOU ARE GOING TO DO, AND ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE HER FUCKING PROPERTY, IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN, I'LL TURN YOU INTO AN NT FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS AS PUNISHMENT YOU FUCK, NOW HURRY THE BLEEDING CHRIST UP WITH IT AND GET YOUR TONGUE AS FAR DOWN *HER* WINDPIPE AS HER'S IS DOWN YOUR'S! NOT IN A MOMENT, NOT TOMORROW, GET IT FUCKING DOWN THERE YESTERDAY AND GET YOUR HANDS AND ARMS ALL OVER THAT 14YO BODY ALREADY! SHE IS SEXY AS HELL AND AUTISTIC< WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKIN' WANT?
And so it was. With their only ever being two other age related issues, one being that she told me to do something to her sexually, whilst we were in public, on a train station bench, and I couldn't possibly comply. I'd have done it in a femtosecond and had her howling my name if it hadn't been in public, with cameras, that could prove it and get me arrested and convicted of staturory 'rape' (IMO if the relationship is not exploitative, and there is indeed a genuine, mutual, equal love between two people, and the one asks (or tells) the other loved one to do something to them, that, assuming both have mental capacity, that equals explicit consent. And the consent shown by slamming someone into a tree trunk, tongue-raping them to the point I could have called the cops on HER, and informing them that they are now her property and her loved one. That they exist for her, that is prreeeettty strong implied consent. Not to mention all the times we each couldn't wait to see the other again, that parting ways was like being physically ripped into two pieces down the middle, that just to be unable to hear her voice was unbearable pain, actual physical pain, and that despite being TOLD that I existed for her, I had no will to say otherwise. I DID exist for the reason of bringing her world joy, and that I found every last little hand-flap or speshul-ed sounding vocal modulation of hers something that would bring shivers of ecstasy howling up and down my spinal cord like a high voltage electric charge, minus the pain and thermoelectric damage.
And the last age anything, was to be the first time she brought me home and introduced me to her mom. That made me a fair bit nervous given I was lot older, she was special ed, and my fiancee was bringing home a big guy dressed in combat pants, big, bulky steel spiked, huge, heavy black leather and steel plate newrock goth boots, a leather trenchcoat, leather bands round one wrist with steel spikes in them, whilst on the other, a leather bracer with steel studs, along with a steel spike in my lower lip, and a heavy leather collar I wore for her, both for her pleasure and as a sign that I belonged to her absolutely and utterly.
That was the only other moment regarding age that ever existed. To have to come to a total stranger, and explain that the much older man speaking to the stranger that I am her darling precious really young special-needs daughter's husband to be the nanosecond that she reaches 16 and becomes legal to marry and the moment after the b/day, probably timing it so she'd technically become legal right as we enter the building of a church or registry office, and doing my best to assure her mother, who might have heard about me or might not, I didn't know at all, what Cazzie had told her mom, if anything whatsoever; that whilst there was the age difference and yes, its technically speaking, illegal, that all the same, I loved her daughter more dearly than I valued my own life itself, and that if it were called upon, for me to have to, I would willingly die to protect her, and regret only that I couldn't still be there afterwards to comfort her, and to still share in the life of the one who I treasured above all things and all people.
She believed me, at least, was willing to extend me the courtesy of not instantly calling the cops, or booting me out of the house, trying to split us up etc. Did of course seem a bit wary at first, but she got used to me, goth rocker ubiquitously dressed in black and leathers and steel spikes, piercings and tattooed or otherwise (well, not otherwise, just leather -shelled, spiked and pierced/tattooed), it must have become obvious to her mom that I truly was devoted to her daughter, and would indeed honour the word I gave her mom, that I'd die for the girl if I had to do so. We were just inseparable and nothing short of a fusion-bomb blast would tear us from one another.
All couples argue, right? well not us. We had one, and it was to be our last. She told me something awful, and I'd just got out of a horrible relationship with an NT female, a nasty one too, whole situation was unbearable, and Cazzie, the young, but all the same fucking well ubersexy, snuggly, loving, funny and warm, wonderful woman who had become my fiancee and the reason for my living and breathing....fucking hell....even my passion for chemistry, whilst of course I still pursued said hobby, as I hve since I first could put together the rudiments of a lab, to the point where I have a rather fine set of equipment and chemical resources, and things like say, red or white phosphorus, nigh any solvent I could wish for, nitroethane, acetic anhydride, hydride reducing agents, acid chlorides, alkyl/aryl halides, lumps of alkali metals the size of a house brick, if I wanted that much, packed in multi-layered thick walled plastic liners full of inert gas before a final thick plastic layer, like all the rest, heat-sealed shut, surrounded the block of metal covered in heavy mineral oil...more or less if I want it, and I have the money to pay the price of the item and any shipping, if there be any, then I can have it. SOCl2? pyridine? exotic substituted benzaldehyde precursors for phenethylamines and other of Sasha Shulgin's creations, common or rare? no problem, just get onto my contacts and ask them. Even this love of my life, it took second place to the first and most vitally important one, that kinky wee autie bombshell, Cazzie.
Never argued but the once. And having had her just get me out of the previous awful relationship, after what she said she had done, I rabbitted, and left. We stayed friends, I couldn't not love her no matter what. But my email address was locked out on me, and my phone stolen by chavscum after being attacked and the cunts smashed it, and thus we were forcibly deprived of the ability to contact each other.
If that hadn't supervened, I am as sure as I can be that I would be with her now. As things turned out though, those two events did happen, and we lost contact.
It has literally, ripped my soul, or the half of our soul which resides in my body, to tattered bleeding shreds of raw meat, covered in quicklime and salted. Even getting closer to a decade and a half later, and my last seeing her at 14, I still love her every bit as deeply and as dearly as I did when she first allowed me the privilege of speaking her name,and given the chance I would ignore the pain from my damged joints, and go down kneeling on both knees, damaged one included, to beg for her forgiveness for panicking and not just saying to think nothing of it, just don't do it to me again, and to beg for the chance to prove that I am still deeply in love with her, that she would have somebody who exists for a chance to make her happy and to shine light and love upon her wonderful world with its gorgeous autie lady inhabitant.
I've been trying to track her down, and found one way I MIGHT be able to. MIGHT being the operative word. This of course I will do. And yes, if she is with someone, despite the fact I do not normally act in such a competitive way in the matters of love, I'll go all out, to prove to her that I can and will make her happier, bring her better in life, than any other man or woman ever could. Because I know it, I know it as deeply as I know what my favouite scents in the lab are, or my most treasured piece of glassware, favourite reactions and reagents as well as my least favourite ones. And I've been an autodidact scientist a VERY long time, relative to the total time I have lived since first popping out of womb. (or possibly a bioreactor of synthetic protein-based suspension fluid mixed with perfluorocarbon emulsion for greater O2 transport efficiency)
Anyway, since losing the love of my life, my soulmate and one most dear and valuable to me, I have been unable to date. I've been in two long distance relationships, both ended without being able to meet although friendships formed, in one case, after by chance talking in PM to a BL'er, we ended up as best friends, probably the best friend I have, and who I'd trust with my life, after we both found each other was autistic as well, found we got along great. We tried to date, but it couldn't be. Again, another long distance one, but that aside, she couldn't come here either, even if I paid her air fare, because the woman, a 54yo classically autistic woman, very well spoken and sharp of intellect, as well as both speshul as hell and one SERIOUSLY foxy little firecracker of a woman, she had some serious health problems. Was a mother of three (now adult mind you so that wasn't the issue, and it didn't put me off her, not in the slightest).
And one physically present relationship, not long after I stupidly left Cazz, which was a fucking abysmal disaster.
I just can't do it. If it isn't her, its...well as I said, we are not two people, we are two physical shells, each housing a facet of the soul of the one individual.
And it broke me inside. It ravaged, tore through and utterly destroyed me. She has whatever is left my soul, spirit or whatever you want to call it, for she possessed the lion's share, so deeply did L give myself over to her in adoration.
Whatever still remains of it, is the part that is with her. is that which survives. Otherwise, I have been scooped out, hollowed out and emptied just as surely as a melon after somebody removes the seeds and devours the last scraps leaving nothing but rind and a bit of stalk left behind.
I fear if I cannot locate her, and even if I can't get her back, if I a least can make things right between us, lay devils to rest, if that makes sense, an let her know what happened and why, and if she won't/can't give me her half of our soul, then at least, for her to do her best to restore to me that part of what survives in her of the half that this body was born with, then whilst I think a wounded spirit can with the right circumstances, regenerate, revive and become stronger, something which has been destroyed, annihilated, and made less than nothing, utterly and totally wiped out of existence, that is beyond restoration. For after all, even the strongest things have their points of no return. And I am COMPLETELY certain, that as things are, or without her (in which case I know my spirit wouldn't just have to suckle and teethe until it could stand, before slowly going on to solid food....it'd be getting an injection of soul-steroids and a huge set of weights, which it would unceasingly lift, for all time save that to be spent with the one I love so fucking damn cunting much, and who I can not tolerate the agony of being apart from any longer.
Truly, I do not understand how I have made it this long after being so grievously wounded. I'm surprised I managed two days, never mind endured existence continuing as long as I've had to tolerate it.
So what the fuck do I do? A man's shoulders can bear only so much before his spine will snap and his buden will kill him. The same goes for a man's willpower, which right now is the only thing keeping this meat shell from collapsing physically and dying.
I'll give a little background, won''t tell the whole story again, that was in 'worst breakups'
Because it really, really is the worst. The single worst thing ever to have taken place in my life, even serving a jail term, or coming close to a heart attack and going into cardiogenic shock, after developing a sinus tachyarrhythmia, neither, not even ending up clinically dead and having to be brought back, has come even close to the unutterable agony and horror of my loss.
For this woman, young for dating, and even younger for dating me, given I was 19, probably going on 20 at the time, and she was 14, and I don't know for how long she had been. But, we met, and she came on to me in a way that made quite clear that it wasn't an offer I couldn't refuse, more 'we are classically autistic bombshell sexpot drop dead sexy kinkstress; resistance is futile, you will be assimilated'
And, assimilated I most certainly was. She just beat the fuck out of some big guy for getting in between her charge towards me, for slowiing her down and for being in the way, before crashing into me full fucking force, putting everything she had into body-slamming me into a tree. Really didn't even try to pull her punch, she just shot straight into me and began to explore all my internal organs with her tongue. Didn't ask if she could, didn't even SPEAK to me, not a word, just slammed into me, knocked me into next week making sure her freshly claimed property could not offer resistance in any way, while we made out for a long, long time. Well first she was just tonguefucking my innards, but once I recovered my whereabouts from her forceful impact and my being rammed into a tree trunk with every milligram of stunningly, astonishingly beautiful Kanner's autie girl (she was pretty petite, curvy but in a sexy way, not fat, just well designed on the drawing board, but small and young or not, she had a long run-up and a lot of momentum adding to her basic kinetic energy, and she really did hit me HARD. Never had a girl make an advance on me like that before, or since!)
It was a whirlwind romance, fiery, passionate, deeply, deeply loving and EXTREMELY intense. I cannot even begin to render into words the sheer forcefulness of our love, all I can say, is that it was the joyful adoration given to one half of a single soul, split at birth into two fragments when the two halves of the one being in two bodies are reunited. We were engaged to each other very fast, I proposed in, IIRC a bit over a week. To which she delightedly squeaked out a 'yes' answer, hand-flapping and hopping up and down sexily as while she told me she would marry me. I had bought her an engagement ring, a gold band with a central large, deep blue sapphire surrounded by smaller diamonds in a ring around the sapphire, to reflect in the deep blue, the great depths of her warm, loving, beautiful gift to the world which is her personality, mind, heart and soul, and to at least try and offer a simile for the great beauty of her physical body (by this time, we REALLY were so far past either of us giving a fuck about each other's age that it was a non-issue. I only had a momentary 'are you serious, cazzie? after she had finished her body-slamming and spleenfucking/making out together for as long as we could breathe, when she then told me her name and age, when I asked, Just taken aback somewhat for a moment, but even then, I realized that this had been no ordinary encounter, that we weren't two people at all, but a soul inhabited by two bodies that must be united to properly function, to be whole.
I could feel that the subtle hand of destiny had in this case decided to get the not very subtle steel toe capped boots of destinys bigger, not very subtle at all dirty great big sod of a big brother and shove us together (literally) whilst shouting 'GET THE FUCK TOGETHER, NEVER MIND SHE IS A 14yo GIRL, FUCKING DO WHAT SHE TELLS YOU YOU ARE GOING TO DO, AND ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE HER FUCKING PROPERTY, IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN, I'LL TURN YOU INTO AN NT FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS AS PUNISHMENT YOU FUCK, NOW HURRY THE BLEEDING CHRIST UP WITH IT AND GET YOUR TONGUE AS FAR DOWN *HER* WINDPIPE AS HER'S IS DOWN YOUR'S! NOT IN A MOMENT, NOT TOMORROW, GET IT FUCKING DOWN THERE YESTERDAY AND GET YOUR HANDS AND ARMS ALL OVER THAT 14YO BODY ALREADY! SHE IS SEXY AS HELL AND AUTISTIC< WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKIN' WANT?
And so it was. With their only ever being two other age related issues, one being that she told me to do something to her sexually, whilst we were in public, on a train station bench, and I couldn't possibly comply. I'd have done it in a femtosecond and had her howling my name if it hadn't been in public, with cameras, that could prove it and get me arrested and convicted of staturory 'rape' (IMO if the relationship is not exploitative, and there is indeed a genuine, mutual, equal love between two people, and the one asks (or tells) the other loved one to do something to them, that, assuming both have mental capacity, that equals explicit consent. And the consent shown by slamming someone into a tree trunk, tongue-raping them to the point I could have called the cops on HER, and informing them that they are now her property and her loved one. That they exist for her, that is prreeeettty strong implied consent. Not to mention all the times we each couldn't wait to see the other again, that parting ways was like being physically ripped into two pieces down the middle, that just to be unable to hear her voice was unbearable pain, actual physical pain, and that despite being TOLD that I existed for her, I had no will to say otherwise. I DID exist for the reason of bringing her world joy, and that I found every last little hand-flap or speshul-ed sounding vocal modulation of hers something that would bring shivers of ecstasy howling up and down my spinal cord like a high voltage electric charge, minus the pain and thermoelectric damage.
And the last age anything, was to be the first time she brought me home and introduced me to her mom. That made me a fair bit nervous given I was lot older, she was special ed, and my fiancee was bringing home a big guy dressed in combat pants, big, bulky steel spiked, huge, heavy black leather and steel plate newrock goth boots, a leather trenchcoat, leather bands round one wrist with steel spikes in them, whilst on the other, a leather bracer with steel studs, along with a steel spike in my lower lip, and a heavy leather collar I wore for her, both for her pleasure and as a sign that I belonged to her absolutely and utterly.
That was the only other moment regarding age that ever existed. To have to come to a total stranger, and explain that the much older man speaking to the stranger that I am her darling precious really young special-needs daughter's husband to be the nanosecond that she reaches 16 and becomes legal to marry and the moment after the b/day, probably timing it so she'd technically become legal right as we enter the building of a church or registry office, and doing my best to assure her mother, who might have heard about me or might not, I didn't know at all, what Cazzie had told her mom, if anything whatsoever; that whilst there was the age difference and yes, its technically speaking, illegal, that all the same, I loved her daughter more dearly than I valued my own life itself, and that if it were called upon, for me to have to, I would willingly die to protect her, and regret only that I couldn't still be there afterwards to comfort her, and to still share in the life of the one who I treasured above all things and all people.
She believed me, at least, was willing to extend me the courtesy of not instantly calling the cops, or booting me out of the house, trying to split us up etc. Did of course seem a bit wary at first, but she got used to me, goth rocker ubiquitously dressed in black and leathers and steel spikes, piercings and tattooed or otherwise (well, not otherwise, just leather -shelled, spiked and pierced/tattooed), it must have become obvious to her mom that I truly was devoted to her daughter, and would indeed honour the word I gave her mom, that I'd die for the girl if I had to do so. We were just inseparable and nothing short of a fusion-bomb blast would tear us from one another.
All couples argue, right? well not us. We had one, and it was to be our last. She told me something awful, and I'd just got out of a horrible relationship with an NT female, a nasty one too, whole situation was unbearable, and Cazzie, the young, but all the same fucking well ubersexy, snuggly, loving, funny and warm, wonderful woman who had become my fiancee and the reason for my living and breathing....fucking hell....even my passion for chemistry, whilst of course I still pursued said hobby, as I hve since I first could put together the rudiments of a lab, to the point where I have a rather fine set of equipment and chemical resources, and things like say, red or white phosphorus, nigh any solvent I could wish for, nitroethane, acetic anhydride, hydride reducing agents, acid chlorides, alkyl/aryl halides, lumps of alkali metals the size of a house brick, if I wanted that much, packed in multi-layered thick walled plastic liners full of inert gas before a final thick plastic layer, like all the rest, heat-sealed shut, surrounded the block of metal covered in heavy mineral oil...more or less if I want it, and I have the money to pay the price of the item and any shipping, if there be any, then I can have it. SOCl2? pyridine? exotic substituted benzaldehyde precursors for phenethylamines and other of Sasha Shulgin's creations, common or rare? no problem, just get onto my contacts and ask them. Even this love of my life, it took second place to the first and most vitally important one, that kinky wee autie bombshell, Cazzie.
Never argued but the once. And having had her just get me out of the previous awful relationship, after what she said she had done, I rabbitted, and left. We stayed friends, I couldn't not love her no matter what. But my email address was locked out on me, and my phone stolen by chavscum after being attacked and the cunts smashed it, and thus we were forcibly deprived of the ability to contact each other.
If that hadn't supervened, I am as sure as I can be that I would be with her now. As things turned out though, those two events did happen, and we lost contact.
It has literally, ripped my soul, or the half of our soul which resides in my body, to tattered bleeding shreds of raw meat, covered in quicklime and salted. Even getting closer to a decade and a half later, and my last seeing her at 14, I still love her every bit as deeply and as dearly as I did when she first allowed me the privilege of speaking her name,and given the chance I would ignore the pain from my damged joints, and go down kneeling on both knees, damaged one included, to beg for her forgiveness for panicking and not just saying to think nothing of it, just don't do it to me again, and to beg for the chance to prove that I am still deeply in love with her, that she would have somebody who exists for a chance to make her happy and to shine light and love upon her wonderful world with its gorgeous autie lady inhabitant.
I've been trying to track her down, and found one way I MIGHT be able to. MIGHT being the operative word. This of course I will do. And yes, if she is with someone, despite the fact I do not normally act in such a competitive way in the matters of love, I'll go all out, to prove to her that I can and will make her happier, bring her better in life, than any other man or woman ever could. Because I know it, I know it as deeply as I know what my favouite scents in the lab are, or my most treasured piece of glassware, favourite reactions and reagents as well as my least favourite ones. And I've been an autodidact scientist a VERY long time, relative to the total time I have lived since first popping out of womb. (or possibly a bioreactor of synthetic protein-based suspension fluid mixed with perfluorocarbon emulsion for greater O2 transport efficiency)
Anyway, since losing the love of my life, my soulmate and one most dear and valuable to me, I have been unable to date. I've been in two long distance relationships, both ended without being able to meet although friendships formed, in one case, after by chance talking in PM to a BL'er, we ended up as best friends, probably the best friend I have, and who I'd trust with my life, after we both found each other was autistic as well, found we got along great. We tried to date, but it couldn't be. Again, another long distance one, but that aside, she couldn't come here either, even if I paid her air fare, because the woman, a 54yo classically autistic woman, very well spoken and sharp of intellect, as well as both speshul as hell and one SERIOUSLY foxy little firecracker of a woman, she had some serious health problems. Was a mother of three (now adult mind you so that wasn't the issue, and it didn't put me off her, not in the slightest).
And one physically present relationship, not long after I stupidly left Cazz, which was a fucking abysmal disaster.
I just can't do it. If it isn't her, its...well as I said, we are not two people, we are two physical shells, each housing a facet of the soul of the one individual.
And it broke me inside. It ravaged, tore through and utterly destroyed me. She has whatever is left my soul, spirit or whatever you want to call it, for she possessed the lion's share, so deeply did L give myself over to her in adoration.
Whatever still remains of it, is the part that is with her. is that which survives. Otherwise, I have been scooped out, hollowed out and emptied just as surely as a melon after somebody removes the seeds and devours the last scraps leaving nothing but rind and a bit of stalk left behind.
I fear if I cannot locate her, and even if I can't get her back, if I a least can make things right between us, lay devils to rest, if that makes sense, an let her know what happened and why, and if she won't/can't give me her half of our soul, then at least, for her to do her best to restore to me that part of what survives in her of the half that this body was born with, then whilst I think a wounded spirit can with the right circumstances, regenerate, revive and become stronger, something which has been destroyed, annihilated, and made less than nothing, utterly and totally wiped out of existence, that is beyond restoration. For after all, even the strongest things have their points of no return. And I am COMPLETELY certain, that as things are, or without her (in which case I know my spirit wouldn't just have to suckle and teethe until it could stand, before slowly going on to solid food....it'd be getting an injection of soul-steroids and a huge set of weights, which it would unceasingly lift, for all time save that to be spent with the one I love so fucking damn cunting much, and who I can not tolerate the agony of being apart from any longer.
Truly, I do not understand how I have made it this long after being so grievously wounded. I'm surprised I managed two days, never mind endured existence continuing as long as I've had to tolerate it.
So what the fuck do I do? A man's shoulders can bear only so much before his spine will snap and his buden will kill him. The same goes for a man's willpower, which right now is the only thing keeping this meat shell from collapsing physically and dying.