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Thread: Well, I've gone and done it again, only this time its worse.

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    Well, I've gone and done it again, only this time its worse. 
    #1
    Bluelighter Lobsterbutch's Avatar
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    Well, its been some time since the last time I've written a post for the dark side. It was early March if I remember correctly. I was pretty ripe in self pity, so it was a pretty sorry post to read and looking back on it I have a hard time reading it, I cringe at the thought of what I wrote.

    The TLR of that one is that I made a complex series of lies to my family about my academic and professional career due to my drug use. The drug use is the main thing I identified that is the bottom of all of the things I did, but not necissarily the driving force. Lets say they influenced my decision.

    I just did it again, this time I knew exactly how futile it was to continue and decided to come clean before I painted myself into a corner. I still waited too long though, and its done some serious irreversable damage. Its come to the point now where there is no "back", and although I've thought I've had rock bottom moments before in my life, this is easily the REAL rock bottom moment.

    IT STARTED pretty basic. I told my family I would finish my degree in 1.5 years. I already had a bachelors degree but couldn't find work with it so I decided to go back to school after taking and leaving a disaster of a job that shook me to my core. Since I'd already had a degree they were really angry to hear I needed the full 2 years for the associates and that my bachelors credits wouldnt help me finish more quickly. So, in a moment of stress I made a dumb assed choice to say "Yeas, I'll be done in less time".

    The time came and they said "are you graduating this semester", and I maintained my story by saying "yes", even though I needed 1 more semester and an internship to finish

    I figured that I would find a way to make it all work, after all it was almost 7 months away and I could figure out how to make them understand by then and be in the clear.

    But I didn't figure it out and I wasted the time I did had running away from it. I would think about it all day, and would eat absurd ammounts of loperamide to "relieve" the stress, and I'd take handfuls of dipenhydramine at night to sort of "black out" into a night of sleep. I'd look forward to every dose because I knew that all of the tension would go away and I'd know some relief for a little while. My doses were pretty extreme; 400mg loperamide each day at morning and 30 pills of dipenhydramine at night before bed, which works out to about 750mg.

    I told them I was done. That I was graduating. That there wasn't a commencment ceremony in december and that it was in May. That the diplomas are getting mailed out in May too, or that I'd get it at graduation. I told them I was interviewing for jobs. That wasn't completely a lie, because I did interview, but for internships for my degree, which my parents thought I had finished. I continued to take classes, and work on my degree, but living a double life for some dumb fucking reason. I felt like I'd gone too far.

    After some time they wanted to know why I didn't have a job yet, so I "got" one. It was all a sham, and I made fake transcripts, letters, offers, and other stuff to show them to back up my claims. The lie got more intricate and ridiculous as time went on, and each turn made me believe more and more that I'd trapped myself and left no way out, no way back, and that I was quickly destroying my future. Unfortunatly, I felt the only way to salvage my future was to double down and keep on lying.

    They found out, and it was awful. A shitshow. I made my last post about it. Feeling sorry for myself and talking about ending it all and other bull shit.

    But things improved and got better. Trust started to rebuild. But then I got back into It. They found out the job wasn't real, but I could not bring myself to tell them I was still going to school and was not done. So I started to "fake looking for jobs" again, and began to create another vast and intricate web of lies in a new conspiracy that was of no importance and did not matter. I went on interviews (for internships) I said were for jobs, I went to school while saying it was for a trip or interview or work at my part time job (I have a part time job for this whole story by the way).

    Then the school bill came. I thought I wouldve figured out everything I had done by then, and I didn't. I was still standing with my dick in my hand in excactly the same position I was in the first time. I avoided the thought, I figured that I had the 30 days on the bill, so I'd find out a way to pay it or tell them before the end of 30 days. I didn't. Late fees started coming. And statements got sent home. I intercepted all of them except for one. They found it. I lied and said it was a mistake, and made a new receipt to "prove" it.

    May came and I did not have graduation figured out. I had to come up with something to get out of it, and I tried to introduce the idea I wasnt done with school yet by writing a letter saying transfer credits were screwed up and I had to go back for one semester. They didn't buy the one semester of extra school, but did believe the graduation cancellation. I had to write more letters to say "oops, his credits actually did transfer, my bad", and more.

    time passed and I still wasnt hired to jobs I was interviewing with. I thought it would look crazy if I interviewed with so many places and I never got hired, so I made a new position for myself, and all the documents to show my family. This time was different, each time a new piece of info was introduced by me I felt number and number. I knew it wouldn't last and each time anything good happened it was completely tainted by the knowledge of what I'd done. But I still thought I had to keep up the lie. My dad told me he was proud of me.......that hurt.

    I avoided all praise for what i'd "done" and all good things they tried to give me. Missed my birthday party, skipped car shopping trips, ditched every offer to get "work clothes". I deserved nothing and I was going to ensure that I didn't gain from my lies. THAT was suspicious, and things got weird.

    I began planning how to tell them, and wrote letters, typed up explanations and dossiers, practiced speeches, I spent all the time thinking about what I was going to do, but each time I tried to initiate the demolition of the lies I made, I couldn't find the words, or make the words come out. I'd just stutter and make up some excuse to leave.

    Finally I got it up enough to tell them. But too late, they'd already been suspicious but didnt want to ask me about it. I told them all about it and they reacted appropriatly, which was in rage and disbelief. It was the second time, and it was an affirmation that I can not be trusted, which is true.


    HERE is why I am posting, even after revealing that I do not have this job (for the 2nd time), and that I am not finished with my degree, I still have an incredibly painful dificulty with explaining lies I've told before they drag the confession out of me, and I find myself impulsivley wanting to tell new lies to explain the reason I lied about other things. I'm trying my best, and so far its been..............well, I've been moving in the right direction...........but even when they ask "are these all the lies? are there any more?" I still say "no" even though I know there are more and I KNOW we will have to address them sooner or later.

    I cannot stop being deceptive, even thought I hate it. I want to do right, but in the heat and anxiety of the moment I see an "alternative" to the hard thing to do and take it without thinking about it, then regret it but feel to scared to correct it.

    Is there a mental illness for compulsive lying? how should I begin to address and correct this the best I can? Does anyone else here have similar stories of feeling incapable of telling the truth? And has anyone succesfully started to repair family bonds after such a cataclysmic event?

    Also, how should I proceed mental health wise? Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Therepist, Rehab, or what? I feel very confused and hopeless, but not the hoplessnes where I feel like "well, I've gotta die now", but a hopelessnes of just feeling of being absolutley powerless even in respects of dying or taking care of myself........"too scared to lie, to tell the truth, to die, or to live", total confusion.

    Anyone here have similar things going on due to their super idiotic choices?
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    #2
    Bluelighter P0kemama's Avatar
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    It sounds like this is a complex issue. I read over your post, and I see a person so desperate to please his family that he lies. I also see fear there as well... a fear of "letting them down". Who you are, really are, for some reason seems as if it is not good enough for them, or you think you are not "enough" for them. Again, this is such a simplistic response...I apologize. I want you to feel some support and to know that BL'ers, some of us, understand.
    I guess as for proceeding mental health wise, I don't know. a psychiatrist if you want psychotropic medications, rehab if you are needing to detox, and an outpatient therapist, counselor, or psychologist to begin the process of knowing yourself. Finding someone to work with where you dare to be real, to be yourself, and no need to tell them what you think they want to hear is key. Also, someone who is truly kind and compassionate so that you are not fearful of revealing yourself.
    God bless you.
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    #3
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    Please talk to someone dude. The lengths you're going through to avoid reality are astounding! And I know you probably know this already but when we lie, we keep having to remember more and more shit. When we tell the truth, you just have to remember what actually happened, you know, recall facts. Obviously, the latter is much easier. For starters, yes you definitely are a super compulsive liar. Sorry, just telling it like I see it. What you need to delve into is why you feel the need to continue the lies. Even though it's obviously exhausting. Please get some help fellow, you'll be glad to hop off the treadmill! Good luck!
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    #4
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    So it all began when you decided to quit you job and go back to school? Was your family not supportive, or did you parents want you out of the house or something? I don't understand why 6 months of schooling is such a big deal. Were they mad at you, or mad at the school/situation? Maybe if you were choosing to go in a completely unrelated field of study or work, I could understand why they might be frustrated with you, but even still, being angry at you kid because he wants to get more schooling seems very odd.

    As far as who you would talk to about addressing the issue.. you could start by talking with a substance use disorder counselor to address all the OTC meds you are taking. By the sounds of things, the SUD counselor will have to refer you to a therapist or family counselor. Do you find yourself lying to everyone or just your parents? If this is a more isolated event between you and your parents, I would guess there is something in the dynamic of that relationship.

    One last question to clarify.. during the day when you tell you parents you are going to work, you are really going to class or work at your internship?
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    #5
    That is one hell of a world you have created for yourself. Are you telling us the complete truth? I don't understand why going to school for an extra semester turned into a complex and well thought out set of lies, including fake letters from EVERYONE regarding school, jobs, etc.

    My daughter changed her major and had to go to college an extra year to pick up the courses required for graduation. We were slightly frustrated but this was what she needed to do to graduate with the degree she wanted. She has a great job and is happy.

    What went so desperately wrong that you spent more time creating fake jobs, fake letters from school, etc? You said you were still going to school and would graduate in May instead of December. Did you graduate? Bills from college can be handled with monthly payments and your parents knew you were in school...why lie?.

    I'm at a loss because what you wrote doesn't exactly work and makes me think you are lying to us too but how would we know?

    You have this down to an art and I know one person who is exactly like you, and I know them well. They lost their wife and now spend more time in jail than out. The lies, fake calls from bosses, fake jobs, fake school...it was crazy.

    You need to understand that we can't really trust anything you say because of your history. The work it takes to create what you did is astounding.

    You need help now. Find someone that you can tell the whole truth to because you are tangled in a hell of a mess.

    Your parents will trust you again when you can show them you are working on yourself and only tell the truth. It will take a while but actions speak louder than words so it's time for you to grow up and stop lying over any and every thing.
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    #6
    Bluelighter Lobsterbutch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mafioso View Post
    So it all began when you decided to quit you job and go back to school? Was your family not supportive, or did you parents want you out of the house or something? I don't understand why 6 months of schooling is such a big deal. Were they mad at you, or mad at the school/situation? Maybe if you were choosing to go in a completely unrelated field of study or work, I could understand why they might be frustrated with you, but even still, being angry at you kid because he wants to get more schooling seems very odd.

    As far as who you would talk to about addressing the issue.. you could start by talking with a substance use disorder counselor to address all the OTC meds you are taking. By the sounds of things, the SUD counselor will have to refer you to a therapist or family counselor. Do you find yourself lying to everyone or just your parents? If this is a more isolated event between you and your parents, I would guess there is something in the dynamic of that relationship.

    One last question to clarify.. during the day when you tell you parents you are going to work, you are really going to class or work at your internship?


    Yeah, this story gets extremely convoluted and irrational really fast. The backround is that I already have a bachelors degree, in a science field, and I graduated (for real) and started working on employment and my future. When I moved home after that degree, it was taking some time to get a job, but it stretched out a bit too long because (obviously) I was doing a lot of different weird RC drugs (I had a bad breakup and was depressed so I decided to make it better by making it worse), and I was lazy. I started to panic, b/c my family were getting impatient with me, and the question soon became "how do you graduate, apply for all these jobs, and not get a single call back??", and the talk of my house was how worthless the degree I had was, that I should've listened and gone into a different major, and stuff like that. So i looked harder but still struggled with finding one.

    I got an offer finally from an energy company ~4hrs away from home. I really didn't want it because it was far away, was low paying, and while it was technically in my field, I was overqualified for it and it wouldn't have gone far as a resume builder for my field. BUT whan I told my family I got the offer, they were stoked and they really really encouraged me to take it......looking back now it felt more like peer pressure. since I hadn't had any other offers. So I took it. I moved there, lived by myself, made money, paid taxes, everything. But I was miserable, I hated to job, the town, the people, everything. I was isolated and I started ripping through drugs like crazy to cope. I'd get up at 4am to get to work at 5:30, get home at 6pm and lay in bed until next 4am. On the weekends I only got out of bed for food and getting my drugs out of the mail.

    It all came to a climax when I ran out of drugs and my ability to order them and admitted myself to the local BSU because I was just about to take the "plunge" by overdosing or something, but had a moment of clarity and called the hot line and checked myself in. The W/Ds were nuts, GABAergic, so I had the full D.T experience of hallucinations and delusions. Scary.

    I got out after 9 days and went home. Immediatly started eating loperamide because I felt wrong all over. I used that all the time once I went back to work, but I remained depressed and awful. I started sleeping through alarms because I'd black myself out with benadryl to get sleep, and I was already not good at my job, I was scared of hights, not strong, bad hearing, and more, all of my co-workers dis liked me. Actually, its better to say that, at best, I was tolerated, most wouldnt work with me unless they had to, and I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I never improved. I got fired when I clocked in to do training without prior approval. The real thing is that they were waiting for a reason to fire me, I was a terrible worker.

    I moved home and I started looking for jobs again. It took awhile again. I struggled to find something, and I was still always terribly depressed and numb OR anxious and frantic. Again, the family made sure I knew that my bachelors was a waste of time and effort and that I should've done something else (cue long list of things that would've been better). This is where real lying started, with saying I applied to jobs I didnt apply to just to make it sound good. I was trying, but I told them I was trying harder.

    Then one of my best friends commited suicide and my other friends (and me) were struggling with drug use, which made me decide to change my direction and get sober and become an addiction counselor. My family were very supportive of this, but after a few months (before class started) they started questioning it, it became a waste of time, its a bad field, why do you even want to do it, you probably wont get a job with this one either, you're wasting your life, you're already 24 when will you do something real, and stuff like that.

    This is why I assured them that I would be done in 1 year, because every time something happened that extended the ammount of time that I was not in my carreer, it became an argument. One that would last days on end, with endless questions that were like interrogations. They'd diagnose me, the whole "you're a dope, a druggie", or waste of space dummy, stuff like that, and they'd sit with me and logically explain out each and every thing that I did and why I'm bad.

    "I'll be done i December" is what I said. I justified that lie to myself because I thought that by the time December came, I would have figured out everything and that I'd be able to say "oops, I have to do 2 years, sorry". But for some reason I was far to worried and scared to actually say that.

    It went from "i'll be done in december" to "it IS done" to "I'm applying for jobs", "Im going on interviews", to finally "I got the job"! Each step was frantic compensation for not dealing with the last lie. I told them I would be done in one year, when that time came i panocked and said I WAS done, then I had to say graduation was in May.........I needed more time to tell them I wasn't actually done. Next, when they started to interrogate me about employment I had to go on "interviews" because I couldnt be done with school and just not get a job. Once enough time passed and they were good and pissed at how long it was taking, I got a "job". Once I "had" the job I had to GO to the job, so I'd leave my house and continue taking classes that my family never knew I had. I also needed paper work to prove I had one, business cards, name tags, you name it. I had to invent reasons for not having them and also find ways to get them. I got good with photoshop. I also had to explain where the money was, I had no paystub..............the lies just kept falling out of my skull one after another until I realized that I was trapped under an enourmous pile and that there is no way to go back.

    My family found out about the fake job and it was like a cataclysm, but I couldnt get myself to tell them about ALL the lies, just the job one. ALL of the lies branched off from me saying that I was done with school, so naturally I ended up in the same position again, lying. I still had to be done with school. so I interviewed for jobs. (this was real, except I was interviewing for an internship, not a full time job. After a few weeks my family were through, everyone was worried and depressed because of me. I'd hear my mom and dad talking to themselves under their breath about me, and saw how little joy things brought them. The pressure to move on came when I got daily seminars about how I had to GTFO and get a job asap, and not wanting to reveal I was still TAKING CLASSES I "found" another. One place I interviewed at really excited me and my family, so eavery other day I got questioned if i heard from them or if they were hiring soon. They asked so much that I felt like I NEEDED to hhave the job and not having it would destroy all of us. Overly dramatic I know.

    So one day while talking about the job they asked me for the 300th time "did they get back to you", I BLURTED OUT "Yes, I got the job!". I immediatly regreted it and felt sick, then my dad told me he was proud of me and that made me feel much sicker. There was NO way back, I've lost everything.

    It was the same thing all over again, but this time it was worse, i didnt sleep and i barely ate for awhile, I'd just go through my day thinking about how much of a piece of shit I am and how I let myself become the thing that is destroying my family. each day was day to night rotations of shame, pain, repulsion, and numbness. But I'm just being dramatic.

    I told them much sooner this time, and I told them, they didn't have to drag it out of me like before. It was bad. I tild them about the fake job and that I'm still in school, but I still couldnt get myself to reveal certain lies, which didnt matter because they dragged them out of one by one over time, each time making things worse. "those are all the lies I told, no more" and then they'd find something and I would have to say "yeah i lied about that, AND i lies about lying"

    I LIED ABOUT LYING FOR FUCK SAKE

    Trust is at 0% and to be honest I don't trust myself either.

    I've been given the final opportunity to finish up school and get out. I have one more semester and then I must leave. I;m lucky I can finish at all, but done irreversible harm to my family now, and that will never go away.

    all of this because I thought my family would be "so" mad that I needed an extra year to finish my degree. All of this damage and stress and nights spent contemplating euthanizing myself over a childhood fear of making my family upset. I;ve had nothing but bad news this year, all because of lying. And it still takes an incredible amount of effort to avoid lying even with small things



    As far as who I've lied to, its really just my parents. I mean, I've lied to people, i think everyone has at some point, but never like this. I've never gone to such extremes as to make all these intricacies up and materialize things to back it up. And I've never kept lying and lying like this either. Hell, I've been lying about lying.

    It's a surreal feeling. I'm exhausted and I feel disassociated most days, when I go to my part time job and/or friends house I live one life, and when I get home I live a new life that's completely fabricated. It brings me no joy, and I've really fucked up my own feelings about myself. I don't feel like I have much value to speak of anymore, and not just because I'm "caught" and found out so im sad b/c they're mad at me, but I felt this way before any of that happened, just knowing I was doing, every time anything good was to happen as a result of this it took me down several pegs and even if i did something "redeeming" I would never quite make it back.

    This is all been so shitty
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    #7
    Bluelighter Lobsterbutch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chronicpain54 View Post
    That is one hell of a world you have created for yourself. Are you telling us the complete truth? I don't understand why going to school for an extra semester turned into a complex and well thought out set of lies, including fake letters from EVERYONE regarding school, jobs, etc.

    My daughter changed her major and had to go to college an extra year to pick up the courses required for graduation. We were slightly frustrated but this was what she needed to do to graduate with the degree she wanted. She has a great job and is happy.

    What went so desperately wrong that you spent more time creating fake jobs, fake letters from school, etc? You said you were still going to school and would graduate in May instead of December. Did you graduate? Bills from college can be handled with monthly payments and your parents knew you were in school...why lie?.

    I'm at a loss because what you wrote doesn't exactly work and makes me think you are lying to us too but how would we know?

    You have this down to an art and I know one person who is exactly like you, and I know them well. They lost their wife and now spend more time in jail than out. The lies, fake calls from bosses, fake jobs, fake school...it was crazy.

    You need to understand that we can't really trust anything you say because of your history. The work it takes to create what you did is astounding.

    You need help now. Find someone that you can tell the whole truth to because you are tangled in a hell of a mess.

    Your parents will trust you again when you can show them you are working on yourself and only tell the truth. It will take a while but actions speak louder than words so it's time for you to grow up and stop lying over any and every thing.

    yeah, thats the biggest problem now............well one of several big problems, that I've put myself in a "boy who cried wolf" situation where everything I say and do is totally untrustworthy no matter what.

    It's pretty spectacular how idiotic this all sounds, but its really the reason. I don't expect you guys to trust me on this, but I'll say it anyways. This started as a result of the extra time in school, which triggered the first lie. I had told myself and expected that I was going to be able to and would sort the mess out and tell everyone "my mistake, its taking longer". But when the time came I deffered the burden to a later time by lying about something else. Then I told myself "now I have a month to figure out how to explain this and fix it so its not so bad", but obviously, I procrastinated AND there really wasn't anything else I could do to address the issue other than completely comming clean,,,,,which every time i came to it I failed to do it.

    In the beginning something I did when I did this was I'd have something bad, I'd freak out and frantically lie to get the heat off of me, think about what I had to do to adress it, then stay anxious and worried so I would go take something to make me feel better which would also make it very very easy for me to tell myself "I can take care of this later, now is not the right time". I'm fairly certain the way I was taking drugs were taking away all the inhibitions that would normally prevent me from doing an all out extreme lie fest with no regard for anything like I ended up doing.

    Avoidance i think its called, or escapism............Avoiding negative stuff is a reward in it of itself, and its a reward thats reinforcing, so it becomes habit. And habits are hard to break, but just like my drug habit, this shit has got to stop, because its easily going to destroy my life and fuck me over for good if I dont get a grip.
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    #8
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    First of, I want to point out that depression isn't caused by other people. It is a complex phenomenon that we are still working to fully understand, and there are many causes but other people are not one of them. How we respond and react to life events may lead to depression, and even if you might have caused your parents some stress, if their happiness is dependent upon your success then they have some deeper problems to address.

    Have you honestly expressed how their comments make you feel? If they aren't considerate of your feelings, perhaps it isn't healthy for you to be so concerned about theirs.

    What's your relationship like with your parents, while we are on that topic. To be honest, it doesn't sound like they have been the most understanding- although deception can be a frustrating thing to deal with. Not everyone has the determination to start and finish a college degree.. that alone is something they should be proud of rather than wondering why you didn't have more foresight into a job market you had never been in. Even more strange.. is that parents are supposed to be the ones offering the foresight. Anyone can look at someone struggling and say what they think that person should have done. Much harder to look at someone struggling and actually stop and help. Easy to say stupid shit like "shoulda became a doctor" much harder to find current ways to actually apply the degree you have- or if not, a supplemental degree.

    But beyond all that- forget about your parents and your negative friends, what about you. What about your own sanity, and your own happiness. If it's just a job that you are after then you don't even need a high school diploma for that. You can land plenty of decent paying jobs with just a GED. If there is a specific job you want to work, then you might have to work some positions that you are "over qualified" for until you have built up your resume and the right position opens up. Not saying take whatever shitty job pops up, although I don't think flipping burgers if you need the money is outrageous either. Whatever it is you decide to do, make sure you do it because it is your decision not your parents, not your friends, not your girlfriends. Try to think long term and bigger picture. It's hard when you are working long hours at a shitty job, but for most of us, that is an unfortunate part of life we must learn to accept. A lot of the bad aspects of your job you mentioned would improve with better work ethic and sobriety. The drugs are compounding your symptoms of depression and anxiety and making everything worse.

    Things will get easier once you get a handle on your substance use disorder. From the sound of things, it is something that needs to be addressed first- or at least at the same time as some of these other problems like depression and anxiety. It's impossible to really know how much is being caused by the drugs until they are out of your system and you have a few months in recovery.

    was family considerate or supportive of substance use disorder? takes longer than 9 days to recover from just acute benzo WDs, post-acute can last for years. I've been through some pretty rough benzo and opioid withdrawals. I have dealt with a couple psychotic episodes and have had a few seizures from benzo WD now. It takes time to heal and really recover. Of course your performance at work is going to be shitty, and of course you aren't feeling ok without drugs- you haven't even had a chance to normalize again. Do you have anyone that can advocate for you to your family? Sounds like they could do with some education about the disease and mental health.

    Until you come clean about it all, the lies will keep building. You don't have to explain every detail and every lie, but the bigger picture needs to come into the spotlight. Namely, your drug use, your depression, your current school and occupational situation, and probably most importantly, your feelings. It might also be wise to talk to a therapist about all this lying... it would seem to me that there is something deeper driving this behavior.


    Really man, need to quit worrying about what other people want of you and focus on your own health and happiness- whatever that may look like. You might not even know what that looks like, and that's ok. You still have time to figure it out. If helping others overcome their struggles is what you are passionate about, fucking awesome! go for it! It's a noble passion to have. But make sure you are doing it for you. Take care of yourself.
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