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Vent + advice or encouragement would be nice

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PuffinMuffins

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Jun 23, 2018
Messages
10
So in this dream I had the other day, this is what happened and how it made me feel within this dream...;)

Basically I really don't know if I'll ever be able to maintain sobriety long term, especially since I'm not even sure I want to.

I have what I would guess is kind of an odd drug history. Im 26, and I've been involved in drugs by choice literally almost my entire life. I'm not bragging by any means, but I used to be an extremely bright kid. I have memories of being unusually curious and driven to learn before kindergarten. I'd read any nonfiction piece of information I could find, sneak coffee to bed so I could read my teenage siblings science and history books all night. I'd prefer biographies and documentaries over cartoons. I was always fascinated by the concept of mind-altering substances. So out of curiosity and thirst for experimentation I did whatever I could to see what there was to see in terms of altering my mind - sticking my fingers in light sockets by age 3, huffing paint and glue by 4, drinking excess amounts of cough syrup by 5, stealing older siblings ephedrine diet pills by 7, etc. By age 10 or 11 I had huffed, done dxm, codeine, ephedrine, adderall, benzos and painkillers.

By 15 I had added at least weed (finally, some gate way drug), alcohol, ketamine, ecstasy and coke. Opiates were by far my favorite, but tbh I'd become pretty bored with what I'd done so far. My boyfriend at the time, also 15, used heroin regularly, and literally told me "painkillers are a waste of time and money, this shit is better and cheaper, give me your arm", shot me up and I fell in love. I shot up with him every weekend for a couple months before I got a little spooked and started snorting it instead - which ironically accelerated my tolerance. Started shooting again sometimes by 16. Every 7 hours by 17, using other drugs in addition to my main doc. I got pretty into "the life" as we called it, which felt like home to me. Sometimes helping cook, picking up a batch, weighing and packaging, distributing one dose at a time or in bulk, shoplifting and pawning, checking medicine cabinets, purses, glove compartments. I hated the complacent lower-middle class suburban type life I grew up in, it felt fake and maddeningly boring, this was comfortable.

Ended up with a lot of short and long term health issues but nothing was worse to me than withdrawal. I didn't quit heroin until about 2 years ago, and only quit methadone one year ago.

I am still in this maddening state of culture shock and gnawing, frustrating, aganozing boredom. I feel out of place even with my friends because while ex addicts themselves, were more the domestically acceptable, functional type. I feel like I'm wasting time now trying to fit in here, however I sometimes feel like I wasted so much time being an addict when I know I had enormous potential. I read, understood and could quote philosophy books at age 10. I can't finish sentences half the time now, I leave my phone in the fridge. I don't understand most pop culture references. I can't remember what I had for breakfast or half my coworkers names. People can't understand me sometimes my speech is so disorganized and broken as if it's my second language. I'm 26 and I look like I'm 36 with ashy skin and cellulite and weird muscle tone and sunken eyes.
The weird thing is sometimes I'm really upset by all this, and sometimes I love it like its a badge of honor and wanna add to it an little more.
I hated the 100% sober thing too much and now occaisionally use substances I can handle myself with, which is limited to weed, benzos and meth. It brings me some form of comfort but I genuinely don't know how long I can keep this shit up sometimes. But I don't ever want to get to where I was before, literally barely even getting high anymore slamming .25 gram as soon as the last hit was wearing off just the keep from getting sick. And I know itd end up there again, but that doesn't stop me from wanting so damn hard to try and see if I can do h occasionally and get back deeper into the overall production/trade/sale game. I don't know. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone who understands has anything to say that they think I should hear.
 
I can relate to that feeling. Living that life has it's highs and it's lows, but it's never boring. I would recommend trying to find ways to add healthy excitement to your life. Maybe taking day trips with no plans or getting into a sport. I've found climbing to be helpful because I'm always terrified when I begin, but once you are coming down from the climb and back on the ground there's a natural high that is really hard to beat.

I also believe that spreading harm reduction can help you get the vicarious excitement of the "life" without actually living it again and it allows you to help others who might be going through a hard time.
 
All I can say is welcome to growing up and becoming self aware... Don't let it get to you as it can drive one mad.
 
Well hope I don't say anything stupid or edge pushing, with that said as I read ur dream story it was like a puddle reflection in which, some of it is my story too I guess. I didn't do the huffing glue n stuff but dived in weed around 14 n kept it up for 20 years give or take. Was always pretty smart, street n book, but after LSD in my teens I didn't like school anymore til much later, well ur age now. Meth was fun for a bit but speed just eats away at ur brain making it mushy n ,lol, we think we are so smart then n doing stuff right but it's quite the opposite. Finally about 5 years ago I started opiates, they are as this began, a dream. Only thing I can think of that touches the euphoria would be adrenaline. Riding my bike at 160 mph thru traffic chasing another bike. Obviously don't do that, it's basically Russian roulette. Can the mediocre life of a 9-5 tax payer paying bills n starting a family compare to that?
It saddens me to hear you say that once u could quote philosophy but now u can't finish a sentence. The potential loss does suck but there is still more if that in you somewhere. Our choices in life always bring us pain cuz we make the dumbest decisions most of the time n we fail to learn from them. Failure is supposed to be our friend, it's what pushed us to be better or sit in a corner with a pipe or needle bitching about life ain't fair or something. Like you said though in the beginning, you probably won't have long term sobriety cuz u may not want it, the mediocre boring normal life just can't touch getting high n feeling good. I remember one time I was on acid n for some reason doing a lot of blow, I mean why, lol, running around thinking I'm Superman and it's an image that will always stay with me. How do I fit that guy in my suit/uniform for the daily grind for the rest of my life? Back then I thought I'd never stop smoking weed, I would keep pushing the limits for an adrenaline rush and never settle down.
What in life interests you? I guess I mean do u feel u got a purpose or is it more like idk n maybe it's just getting as f*d up as I can n enjoying the rest of my night. But that just ends up the same the next day, talk about boring. Same routine, same shady fools nearby, do I grab a knife or can I hide my pc so no one knows, when are my friends gonna kick me down or actually be a friend who does something for nothing. Just more sadness in this game, on this side of the tracks, thinking will it end and what has God got for me, is that it? Watching a person die, having friends taken, losing someone in general outta be enough for us to contemplate our own lil short existence but we just pick up the pipe or whatever n go around it, 160 mph in the other direction. Life, life is a beautiful thing if we can get ourselves out of the center n look at it from a different perspective n not ,u know, don't focus on the negative. Anyway I guess I went off track n ranted or whatever but I think we can meld the two lifestyles together and be content. Being content with what you have is a great starting place but hell who is ever happy with what they have n doesn't want more. Gotta find the happy medium. Hope you can find that, I'm almost there, still clinging to what I was 20 yrs ago n for that matter 5 days ago but we ain't talking about me. Ha ;) good luck I believe in you.
 
Alcoholics Anonymous. Has a track record of working for millions. Find your higher power and lean on it. People like us suffer from terminal uniqueness. You think you cant do the 100% sober thing. We ALL thought that, shit, i thought it for a year, but God (my higher power) saved me. Only a spiritual solution can help you. Going to send one long and honest prayer your way after i hit enter on this comment.

Much Love, PuffinMuffins ❤
 
Smoking weed is one thing, benzos and meth are another. Please, stay away from that shit.

Find something you are passionate about. Exercise will help the restlessness. Stay busy. Don't isolate.

I can identify with being in a group of addicts, but they are much less severe, so I still feel like the black sheep. Like "I was on alcohol and weed for 2 years." Is a world away from "after I cleaned up from IV heroin and crack, I got hooked on benzos, blacked out for 4 months, literally, and ended up with my parents forcing me to detox, telling me it was this or they would let me die from the seizures on the streets of Minneapolis, in -10 degree winter night." Try to find someone you can more relate to. Despite what 12 step people say, not all addicts are the same.
 
PuffinMuffins said:
So in this dream I had the other day, this is what happened and how it made me feel within this dream...;)

Basically I really don't know if I'll ever be able to maintain sobriety long term, especially since I'm not even sure I want to.

I have what I would guess is kind of an odd drug history. Im 26, and I've been involved in drugs by choice literally almost my entire life. I'm not bragging by any means, but I used to be an extremely bright kid. I have memories of being unusually curious and driven to learn before kindergarten. I'd read any nonfiction piece of information I could find, sneak coffee to bed so I could read my teenage siblings science and history books all night. I'd prefer biographies and documentaries over cartoons. I was always fascinated by the concept of mind-altering substances. So out of curiosity and thirst for experimentation I did whatever I could to see what there was to see in terms of altering my mind - sticking my fingers in light sockets by age 3, huffing paint and glue by 4, drinking excess amounts of cough syrup by 5, stealing older siblings ephedrine diet pills by 7, etc. By age 10 or 11 I had huffed, done dxm, codeine, ephedrine, adderall, benzos and painkillers.

By 15 I had added at least weed (finally, some gate way drug), alcohol, ketamine, ecstasy and coke. Opiates were by far my favorite, but tbh I'd become pretty bored with what I'd done so far. My boyfriend at the time, also 15, used heroin regularly, and literally told me "painkillers are a waste of time and money, this shit is better and cheaper, give me your arm", shot me up and I fell in love. I shot up with him every weekend for a couple months before I got a little spooked and started snorting it instead - which ironically accelerated my tolerance. Started shooting again sometimes by 16. Every 7 hours by 17, using other drugs in addition to my main doc. I got pretty into "the life" as we called it, which felt like home to me. Sometimes helping cook, picking up a batch, weighing and packaging, distributing one dose at a time or in bulk, shoplifting and pawning, checking medicine cabinets, purses, glove compartments. I hated the complacent lower-middle class suburban type life I grew up in, it felt fake and maddeningly boring, this was comfortable.

Ended up with a lot of short and long term health issues but nothing was worse to me than withdrawal. I didn't quit heroin until about 2 years ago, and only quit methadone one year ago.

I am still in this maddening state of culture shock and gnawing, frustrating, aganozing boredom. I feel out of place even with my friends because while ex addicts themselves, were more the domestically acceptable, functional type. I feel like I'm wasting time now trying to fit in here, however I sometimes feel like I wasted so much time being an addict when I know I had enormous potential. I read, understood and could quote philosophy books at age 10. I can't finish sentences half the time now, I leave my phone in the fridge. I don't understand most pop culture references. I can't remember what I had for breakfast or half my coworkers names. People can't understand me sometimes my speech is so disorganized and broken as if it's my second language. I'm 26 and I look like I'm 36 with ashy skin and cellulite and weird muscle tone and sunken eyes.
The weird thing is sometimes I'm really upset by all this, and sometimes I love it like its a badge of honor and wanna add to it an little more.
I hated the 100% sober thing too much and now occaisionally use substances I can handle myself with, which is limited to weed, benzos and meth. It brings me some form of comfort but I genuinely don't know how long I can keep this shit up sometimes. But I don't ever want to get to where I was before, literally barely even getting high anymore slamming .25 gram as soon as the last hit was wearing off just the keep from getting sick. And I know itd end up there again, but that doesn't stop me from wanting so damn hard to try and see if I can do h occasionally and get back deeper into the overall production/trade/sale game. I don't know. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone who understands has anything to say that they think I should hear.
Click to expand...

Hello I’m very happy for you and your recovery, im in the same boat with heroin. Im not too much younger than you. And same I started with weed, 1000s of $ in pain killers. Switched to dope and fet. Now I feel stuck and don’t know how I’ll get sober.
 
So in this dream I had the other day, this is what happened and how it made me feel within this dream...;)
Click to expand...

What part of your writing was about your dream?

Dale
 
^ Yeah if the dream scenario is an anti incrimination tactic like swim or afoaf then it's mostly pointless as A: it really won't protect you, and B: LE doesn't really care about personal use unless you're manufacturing or dealing which isn't kosher to share on BL anyway. If you really did have this occur in a dream then my apologies.
 
It sounds like you're romanticizing your early life and drug use and wanting to hold onto that excitement and novelty. I understand where you're coming from with the boredom, though. I'm a bit of an odd duck myself and the basic, garden variety lifestyle doesn't suit me. In my recovery, I've had to pursue interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, despite all the people around me who are living the ho-hum 9-5 grind, chasing the next shiny thing, and don't really seem to understand why someone would need more. That being said, I think your environment plays heavily into it, and you may have to step outside what you know or are comfortable with to find what makes you feel fulfilled. Take a class, join a meetup.com group, go on a day trip, do whatever feels interesting to you and don't let that niggling voice in your head stop you from living differently.
 
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